“Hey Dad.”
“Sweetheart. How are you? You don’t call as much anymore.” His voice fills the car through Bluetooth on my way home from work.
I need to focus on the road. I’m so all over the place these days, I can’t even concentrate on my driving.
Focus, Gemma.
“I know. I’m sorry. Work’s been busy.” I’m lying. It’s more than work. It’s Damon and Harvey and Harvey and Damon.
Everyone knows dealing with one man is complicated enough; why did I have to get tangled up with two? What was I thinking?
“Gia told me you’re having a hard time.”
I gulp, the invisible ball in my throat making a keen appearance again. I stop at a red light, gathering my thoughts.
“What did she tell you?”
His laugh is low, full of wisdom and love. “She said there’s another man in your life and that you’re confused about him and Harvey. ”
“Yeah, well, that’s a good way to sum it up.” My voice cracks as my foot rests on the brake pedal. “I don’t know what to do .”
I hear the squeaky, old chair in his office. No matter how many times Gia and I have begged him to buy a new one, he refuses. It’s comfortable, he always says, and it’s the chair that saw his career bloom as an architect.
“I can’t decide for you, but don’t ever be afraid of being alone. Sometimes it’s the best thing for the time being.”
“Shouldn’t I have it all figured out? Like Gia and James?”
“Gemma,” he says with a laugh. “The secret to life is that you never really have it all figured out. That’s the beauty of it. If everything was set in stone, we’d never grow. True, you and your sister are on different paths, but her time might come later. I’m a strong believer that at one point everyone has to look within to find the answers they’re looking for.”
“Sure, sure.”
“You know what you want. You know you do.”
“How can I leave Harvey?” I’m hyperventilating, my breathing quick and irregular.
“If that’s what you want. He’ll always be a part of your life; your relationship will just hold a different title.”
I can’t talk; I’m so afraid I’ll bawl my eyes out.
He continues, “Day by day. That’s how you do life. Day by day.”
I think of the fact that he lost his beloved wife; she didn’t leave only my sister and me. He lost his precious love, and he had to find a way to live without her and be happy again.
For our sake.
He tells me he’ll be in Seattle for a few days to meet a client but that we’ll have a family dinner upon his return. Then we hang up by the time I arrive home.
I don’t know why Harv told me to come home. What does he expect us to do? Go back to the way things were? Ignore the fact that he loves Claire and I want Damon ?
We keep going in a circle, over and over, and nothing ever changes. I’m not sure how much more of myself I can give to him... I’m not even sure I want to give him more of me.
I’m exhausted—our love has drained me, emotionally, physically—and I simply don’t think I can keep doing this anymore.
It’s time I think of myself. It’s time to work on myself. It’s time he works on himself.
Because together, we are the worst versions of ourselves. It wasn’t always like this, but somewhere along the way, I lost a piece of myself to hold our puzzle together.
And I’m done—I’m done carrying this load over my shoulder.
I take a deep breath in before turning the key and stepping inside.
“Hey,” I say to Harvey as I remove my coat. I do a double take because he looks worse for wear. The dark circles under his eyes are apparent enough to make him look sullen and lifeless.
His Adam’s apple moves slightly, and he wheels himself right in front of me.
“I’m sorry. For pushing you away, for kissing Claire. I... give me a chance.” He looks away, the tightening of his jaw a reminder of his pain.
How many redos will we go through before we realize things will never be the same? How many chances must I give?
But maybe he could change. Maybe, just maybe, knowing he could lose me will make him take me for granted less.
My thoughts fill with dangerous brown eyes and the man who has my heart and every feeling inside of it. Yet he didn’t want me. He made that clear. He’ll continue living on as my boss until I find another job, and he’ll be fine.
Damon will thrive without me.
He doesn’t want you.
“Say something . . .” Harvey prods .
I swallow, avoiding his gaze. All I want to do is rock myself to sleep.
I don’t want to think or feel because all there is inside me is pain.
“Do you love her?” I whisper into the night.
I see my answer as soon as I ask the question. It’s written all over his eyes. I know he does, down to my very core. Every hair on my body tells me to listen to my gut and walk away. Not to get reeled in again.
I’m not happy with Harv. I haven’t been since the accident.
And I tried. God, I tried so hard .
But even I had to learn the hard way that you can’t make someone want you. You can’t make someone love you. And, probably most important, of all—you can’t be responsible for other people’s happiness.
“Forget about Claire. We can figure out everything in the morning. I know she wants to talk to you, to apologize. We can put this behind us.”
“We’re different people now. We want different things.”
“Why’re you doing this? I told you I’d try!” He can barely control his voice as he wheels back, distancing himself.
“You’re too late, Harvey!”
Ice melts to reveal the remaining softness in his baby blue eyes. “Gemma, I-I said I’m sorry.”
I just got home from a long day, and already we’re fighting.
“I’m going to change, then make dinner. I don’t want to make a rash decision; I need time. I’ll stay here until we figure it out, but we need time, Harv.”
He laughs viciously. “Fuck this.” He leaves, and the door of his room slams shut. I flinch before heading to my room.
I’m ready for a hot shower. I don’t want to deal with his temper tantrum. All I’m asking is for one night and some time, and he can’t even give it to me .
That’s when the door to my room swings open again, and Harvey comes barging back in.
“I can’t wait. I need to know... I’ll try. I’ll try harder. I promise. Gemma, please, please Gemma , give us another try.” He moves to me so fast with his chair. His eyes are begging—he looks lost, and I know despite what I’m about to say that I shouldn’t do this.
I’m making the wrong choice. I’m back to square one when I should be stepping ahead.
“I can’t lose you.” He buries his head on my stomach.
I brace myself for impact. Because bad decisions have consequences in life, and one decision can alter the course of your life.
I know that now.
Guilt. Damon spoke of guilt. And I feel it too. It’s been a while, but it’s back in full force. So much guilt. So much loyalty.
But I think of him loving Claire and my feelings for Damon.
He lifts his head and stares at me for a few seconds before wheeling back. His eyes bloodshot red—he’s crying.
God, it’s probably the first time he’s let himself express his emotions for so long. No wonder he’s all over the place. He’s too scared to make a change in his life to see how good it could be.
No matter what happens between us, I still intend to buy him a modified car he can drive with the money I’m saving up.
“Why’re you looking at me like that, Gemma?”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re fucking done with us!”
“We just... we need space, Harv. Admit it.”
“No! Fuck your space—pick right now! You should be able to choose—me or him—it’s me or him!”
Him .
The conviction of my thoughts is deeply rooted in my mind. I can picture those chocolate eyes vividly. And I know I want to stare into them every single day .
“Him. Or me. I swear to God, if you pick him, I don’t know what I’ll do—”
I grab his hand, then gaze at his forearm, his phoenix tattoo taking me back to the night we met.
And I wish upon a star that being reborn is such a thing. That time can heal all wounds.
I want him to be happy. He deserves it, even if it’s not with me.
“Gemma.” He shakes his head and wraps his arms around my waist.
And while I should be soaring, flying from the height of an eagle, with his arms wrapped around me. ..
All I feel is the emptiness of a dark shadow and the impending doom of my decision.
TO BE CONTINUED . . .