Sin of the Saints (Between Delusion and Sobriety Duet #2)

Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

Bellcolor

S o many incarnations, full of ceaseless war. A war that broke out solely due to the one who dwells within me. Lilith’s rage consumed her and ignited her blood, just as it set everything she touched aflame. And yet her existence has driven me to fight for my own. She knows that. It’s the reason she chose me.

“You’re not the only one who’s cursed. The world is so dark, but I see you. I see only you,” Bar says, and I tremble.

My father said Bartimaeus keeps returning to the lands of Adam for Lilith. He said it was his calling, to banish her. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s under her influence.

“Who do you see when you look at me?” I have to know.

“You, Belle, just you,” he answers, softly caressing my face.

“And Lilith?” My voice betrays me as my windpipe closes.

He shuts his eyes and takes a long breath. “She’s part of you, I understand that.”

“Do you? Do you really understand what that means?” I harden my voice. “Me staying in the realm of Man means Lilith stays too. It’s not just a betrayal of your calling, it’s turning your back on all your beliefs, and directly violating an order from the one you answer to!”

“You think I don’t know that?” He runs a hand through his hair.

“It’s just… we had a different plan.”

“Plans change, Belle. I’ve changed.” His shoulders drop and his face falls at the weight of his confession.

I place my hand on his thigh and he raises his gaze to me. “So have I.”

Bar looks at me with his beautiful gleaming eyes. One green, the other blue. My gaze shifts between them, like they’re the eyes of two separate entities.

“You remain the same. Lilith hasn’t changed you, she brought you to life. But me? I’m unworthy of you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The Pope made me believe God was punishing me, that I was taking part in his grand plan. And since then I’ve been struggling with whether I’m worthy of it. But now I understand that it was Libretto who cursed me and took my sight.” He drops that bomb and I gasp. I reexamine his eyes, and they suddenly seem so tormented to me. My heart twinges. All this time, I hadn’t even noticed.

Guilt gnaws at me. Libretto cursed him, because of Lilith. “It’s my fault—”

“No,” he interrupts me. “It’s the curse of the one whose name I bear. The Pope said the curse comes with every incarnation.”

“Who was he?”

“Bartimaeus, who paid for his sins with his sight. It only returned to him after he accepted redemption at the hands of the man of God, Jesus of Nazareth.”

“Jesus of Nazareth… wasn’t he one of the Hebrews who brought the Old Testament, what you read to us in class?”

“Yes, but his death gave birth to the Church I currently work for, or at least I did until I decided to rebel against my calling.”

I sharply pull my hand away from him. “What do you mean, you decided? I just told you the heavy price we’ll have to pay. That’s not a decision you make in a heartbeat!”

“I want you, Belle. After tasting you I can’t back down, or deny what I feel. The Church can go to Hell for all I care.”

“You’re not thinking clearly,” I shake my head. He’s acting with an impulsivity that’s not at all like him.

“For the first time in my life, I don’t care. I want you; I want your chaos.”

I stand up and pace around the room, uneasy. My desire to hoard Bar for myself is taking a toll on him. He’s turning his back on his redemption. If he does that, he’ll be considered a traitor. God knows what they might do to him. And now he’s being punished by Libretto, that’s two fronts to fight on. Is it worth it? Those two fronts were fighting each other, and now we might turn their wrath upon us.

Am I worth it for him?

I can’t shake the thought that not only will his redemption be lost, everything else will be lost to him if he chooses me. Because the greatest sinner of all is within me, and she’ll never be worthy of salvation. Not her, and not anything she touches.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it 1 .”

He had promised her the Garden of Eden, and more. It was an almost intolerable feeling for her to be there, and more than anything she wanted to consume it in the wrathful flames bubbling within her.

How dare He give it to those hollow ones? How dare He ?

Lilith closes her eyes and focuses on the new abilities her rage has given her. Her body changes shape, her limbs meld into the center of her body and she whispers a torrent of curses that only increases the longer she stays in this place that has become her nightmare.

As she slithers through the thick green grass, she finds her goal: the Tree of Life, the Tree of Knowledge, the Tree that will punish her creator for his arrogance and pride.

She finds the woman lying on her back, the sun’s rays heating her pristine, delicate skin. The innocence dripping off her stirs in Lilith an unbearable nausea. She’ll make Him curse the woman, just as He had cursed her. She won’t be satisfied until she sees her drowning in her condescending blood. She and her hollow man.

“Are the fruits of the Tree not suitable in your eyes?” Lilith whispers as she twines around the Tree.

“Suitable,” the woman smiles at the snake. Her fucking innocence is visible across her perfect face.

“Have you not yet tasted the gifts your God has given you?” The murmurs and the rustling of leaves cancel each other out.

“It is forbidden,” the woman whispers, looking around anxiously.

“If it is so forbidden,” Lilith tightens her coil around the trunk and rubs her head against the gleaming fruit beneath the morning glow, “why would He make it so desirable? Here you are, a little taste, that’s all it takes for you to know that the whole world is in the palm of your hand. Creation of the world is not in His hands. Your womb will bring about the world, and life.” Lilith encourages the woman to come closer. With a trembling hand the woman plucks the fruit and stares at the serpent now positioned mere centimeters from her. “Taste it, and you’ll learn that forbidden things taste the sweetest,” Lilith rasps, drawing out her words.

The woman lifts the fruit to her mouth, and her hesitation vanishes the moment she bites into it and gasps with glee. A sublime feeling envelops her, and unlike what she’d thought, she’s never felt closer to her creator. He sanctifies me , the woman thinks with a satisfied smile.

“Go, call your man, discover with him that boundaries are meant to be crossed. Laws are made to be broken. And sins? Sins have flavors that can soar to the heavens, while morality is a burden that will weigh you down.”

Elated, the woman runs to seal her fate and her man’s. Forever shall she be condemned to pay for her sins in blood.

And Lilith the bloodthirsty? She is damned to that thirst, and it will be her curse. And indeed, mankind was made in God’s image. Eve sorrowfully brought sons into the world. Whereas Lilith, who had also succumbed to temptation and eaten the forbidden fruit, sorrowfully brought forth daughters.

“It’s my choice!” Bar stands tall right in front of me, despite his blindness. He grips my shoulders and shakes me as though trying to force his twisted logic into me. “You don’t understand.” He laughs like a maniac. “This isn’t about a choice between sin and redemption, to hell with all that. I don’t give a fuck.” The bell chimes and sends currents of pain through my body, but it’s nothing compared to the pain Bar is giving me.

“That’s not possible! You’ve been raised your whole life for a specific purpose, and…”

He cuts me off and his grip on my shoulders tightens. “It’s you, Belle! My choice will always be you. To hell with the consequences. I don’t want to find the straight path, I want to break all the rules with you, to shatter them into a thousand hellish pieces, I want to get lost with you and in you. My redemption will be burning in the underworld with you!” He roars, and the aura around him almost blinds me as well as it erupts from within him.

“Bar, what’s happening?” I start trembling and my body almost ignites just by being near him and his intense determination.

“This is me, offering you my heart, my body, my fucking soul. Take it. Take me.”

I can’t answer as he closes the gap between us and crushes his lips to mine.

I want to respond to him, I want everything he’s offering, but fear crawls into me and I realize it might not be enough.

I want him, but Lilith wants more.