Sin of the Saints (Between Delusion and Sobriety Duet #2)

Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

Bellcolor

I had to get out of that cabin. The walls were closing in on me, and I felt that Bar was surrounding me, even though he was offering everything I’d wished for.

I want Bar. Very much. I’ve wanted him from the first moment I saw him. But Lilith’s warnings continue to echo within me. Her memories overwhelmed me the moment she awakened, and yet I feel she’s hiding the most important thing from me. Her most secret longing, something she doesn’t want me to know. I feel her shame. She did something unforgivable and pushed it down into the deepest part of her, where even I have no access.

I stroll around the cabin. My powers are still dormant thanks to this shitty collar, so I don’t stray too far. I can’t be complacent, especially when I’m so upset and don’t know the area we’re in.

“He’s the Morningstar, right? The one Prof. Sapienti talked about?” I ask Lilith.

“Yes,” her voice rings out within me.

“But who is he?” I must know.

Silence.

I sigh in defeat. Lilith is me, but she still feels a need to protect me as though I were a totally separate entity.

“Is he aware of what he is?” I try my luck, trying to glean information from a different angle.

“No, the entity within him has not yet awakened.”

“But you know who he is.”

Silence again. I’m thinking I won’t receive an answer when she says: “I hope you won’t make the same mistake I did.”

“What do you mean?” I hurriedly ask, but she again closes herself off to me.

All my feelings for Bar well up within me. Am I capable of realizing my longing for him? Is it just longing, or does my selfish heart seek what I myself dare not? And what mistake am I meant to be avoiding?

I take a deep breath and my body quivers like a leaf in the wind.

“Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins 1 .”

Lilith adopted the fire. It seemed to her that the fire was the only one that understood her. So beautiful, so hypnotizing, with the power to give, but those who were not cautious could be burned. It was a tremendously powerful natural force, but at the same time could be destructive. The fire had become her wall against the other demons who had danced to her motions, who had worshipped her power, and now feared and resented her.

“I love you,” Hillel says behind her.

His declaration incites her wrath and the flames rage around her. “The love of God was in your heart as well, and it was wiped away in an instant.”

“For you.” He sounds angry.

“No, Hillel, for you. ”

Hillel wants to approach her, but Lilith sends out a burst of flame that forces him to retreat.

“And your heart has never known what love is. Not for Him, not for your offspring!” His tone is fiery, but there’s validity in his accusations.

Lilith turns her gaze to him, and her eyes spark with flame and fury. “ He is unworthy of my love. All He incites in me is hatred!”

Hillel recoils as though she’s slapped him. “And I, am I unworthy of it? And the creatures we’ve created? The blood of our blood?”

Lilith’s gaze flashes behind his back as she notices the congregation of demons.

“Love does not exist. It’s just another lie He has fed you.” Venom drips from her voice, and she laughs in disdain.

“There is no day without night, no light without darkness, no good without evil,” Hillel says with clear disappointment. “So tell me, Lilith, if you believe in hatred, how is it that you do not believe in love?”

I blink several times, and take a deep breath. I’m experiencing these disconnects more frequently and it’s terrifying me. Their meaning frightens me. Lilith’s warning is still echoing in my head, and streams of bad omens cramp my veins. Lilith never knew love. All her life she knew only hatred. Driven by hate, she destroyed everything she had with her own hands. When she couldn’t return the love of Hillel and her offspring, they repaid her in kind. Just as she couldn’t return the Creator’s love, whom she loathed more than any. Ashmedai’s declaration of love makes me nauseous. She knows Ashmedai can never love her, because she herself believes she’s unworthy of love from anyone, especially those close to her. And when Bar offered me his heart, all her fears rose up within me.

Bar loves me, loves Belle, and though I hadn’t known what love was, my senses plead with me to open my heart to him, to overcome my fears, to confess the terrifying fact that I love him. I let out a sigh of relief. Is that the recognition of my love, calling forth this calmness for me? I decide to return to the cabin, to confront Bar and pour my heart out to him.

A soft light bursts from the threshold. What’s he doing over there? I open the door and my breath catches in my throat. Many candles are scattered around the room, on the furniture and shelves. They’re lit, flames dancing in the wind I’ve brought with me. The white curtains flutter in the air, creating a romantic atmosphere in the cabin, and… horrendously sweet. Had he done this for me?

“Bar…?” I seek him out, deeply moved.

He walks into the living room from the bedroom. His mouth is curled into a beatific smile that reduces me to pathetic pieces. He walks over to the old stereo on the TV stand, and the opening piano notes of “Heaven 2 ” break the silence.

As though we’re playing out a ‘90s movie scene, he holds out his hand and demands, rather than requests: “Dance with me.”

I chuckle but accept, slamming the door behind me, approaching and twining my hand with his. Sparks of heat fly out as we touch, making their way directly to my heart. He pulls me to his chest and I rest my head on it, closing my eyes. It seems that from the moment I shut the door all the air was sucked out of the cabin too. I’m having a hard time breathing when he’s so close to me.

“You couldn’t have picked a cornier song?” I whisper, wanting to mock him, but the truth is if he weren’t holding me I’d have already become a puddle.

“I thought it suited our story.” He kisses the top of my head.

I listen to the lyrics, about finding your place in Heaven through love, and Bar’s heart beats against my own. I can’t help sympathizing with the singer’s emotions.

“Banished, wandering lost, seeking the Heaven promised to her,” I mumble to myself as we sway together as one. You’re still searching for it, Lilith, your Heaven, I add in my heart, feeling it pulse in response. Does she have any remorse for what she did? Is that why she keeps reincarnating in the lands of Adam, expecting to find it here?

“Not that I know anything about it, but I was wondering if this is how every woman imagines her first time. I wanted to give that to you,” he says, stepping back a bit and turning me in a circle. I giggle naughtily, and the candle flames around us dance along to my movements.

“Aren’t we being a little arrogant, Bar? Who said I’d give in to you?” I jab at him, but the truth is I’ve waited for this moment since he first tasted me, since he made me want more for myself.

“The first time in every respect, Belle. I want to be your first love, the first to claim your heart, and if I’m lucky, your body as well.”

“Isn’t that a sin? Ellis was pretty clear about that.” He seems surprised by my question. “I heard you in the barn.”

“I can’t lie, I’ve found myself at constant war with the system of faith I was raised to follow. I set out on His Holiness’ orders to make war against demon-kind, but I found myself in the most important battle of my life. The day I met you, the only battle I cared about was the battle for your heart.”

“And you’re paying for it… and we’ll both keep paying for it when we challenge the order of things in our world. It’s not about just my end anymore, it’s about both of ours’.” I have to know that he’s aware of all the implications.

“Faith is strong, but it’s empty for me now. It no longer has any significance in my eyes.”

“How can that be?” I ask, and his clouded eyes are so honest that I feel exposed before him, as I’ve never felt before.

“Because after tasting you, I discovered you are my forbidden fruit. And after you filled my world, there was no way I’d go back to an empty place. I can’t understand how something I was taught to believe was so evil suddenly became the only thing that’s good in my eyes.”

“I’m good in your eyes?” My lower lip starts quivering at his moving words. Damn it, okay, turns out I’m a huge fan of being corny.

“You may be the source of all evil in the world to others, but you’re good to me. You were made for me, Belle, I have no doubt about that at all.”

He bends down and gently kisses my lips, I feel the caution in his movements and his anxiety that I’ll reject him again.

I have no intention of doing that.

I stand on the tips of my toes, pull him to me and wrap my hands around the back of his neck. His gentleness can get the hell out of here, I mean to devour him. I have no desire or ability left to fight the fierce passion I feel for him.

When I start losing myself in our savage kiss, he pushes me back, and I whine in protest.

“I want you to trust me, Belle. I want to claim you, all of you, but I can only do that if you know you’re safe with me.” He looks so deeply into my eyes, and I feel him stripping my soul bare. Despite losing his sight, I’m the only one he sees, that he really sees.

Libretto’s warning suddenly pops up in my mind, and fear stirs within me as I consider the possibility that Bar might betray me after I give in to him. He who tastes of my blood can banish me… has Bar really lost his faith?

Suddenly I’m not so sure that the loss of his faith is what I’d truly hoped for. I wonder if Lilith is exposing her memories to me as a way of warning me of what happens to one who loses faith. But how can you hold onto faith when the people meant to represent it are so corrupt?

I push the thought aside with great difficulty. “I trust you,” I whisper, barely able to speak. I’m shocked at this insane display of emotion.

“Come to me. I’m going to make you mine, and I’m finally ready to let go.” Bar grabs my cheeks and pulls me in for a kiss that lets loose all the winged creatures from the cage I’d hidden in my belly.

I know the passion he ignites in me isn’t normal. I know it doesn’t happen to everyone, especially not in our world. His passion isn’t sane, it challenges the boundaries of our world. Its intensity frightens me, but I know I want to be brave enough to taste more of it. More of him. So I do the stupidest thing, what Lilith specifically warned me against, and I trust someone else: I trust Bar.

There’s something so familiar in him, familiar like the home I never had. Someone who accepts me despite all my flaws, all my sins. The darkness in me doesn’t scare him, he’s drawn to it like he’s been seeking it out all his life.

His hands move from my cheeks down my neck, and he tightens his grip on me until my throat closes. But I’m not drowning, I’m floating in the hope Bar instills in me. I’m fighting fears that urge me to flee, lest Bar destroy me, and I win. I raise my arms and caress him in the same place he grips me. When I increase pressure in sync with him, he trembles beneath my touch and bites my lower lip.

“If you mean to claim me, be prepared to be claimed by me. Equal among equals, that’s the deal. Take it or leave it,” I demand.

“I expected nothing else from you,” he answers.

I want to answer but he claims my lips again, with a strength that forces me back. My back hits the wall, something falls behind us but I pay it no mind. My mind’s busy with repeated prayers for him to make good on all his promises. God help me, I want to be his. The song playing in the background prevents me from fully concentrating on Bar, and I toss the stereo onto the floor. It crashes and the music stops. Enough of this sweetness. It, and they, can all go to Hell.

The candle flames spin around us and I empty my mind of all my thoughts. Bar grunts in satisfaction as I give in to my animal nature, as my sexual instincts take the reins. I bite his lips in the heat of the moment, and his blood bursts into my mouth. A sweet, intoxicating and heavenly flavor fills me, sending me into an unrestrained frenzy.

“That’s gotta go,” I say as I grip his shirt and tear it off him, revealing his perfectly muscled chest. His aura shines between the gaps, and I feel like the Promised Land has been revealed to me, and I want to set down roots and make a home there.

He matches me move for move, ripping off my dress. My red aura stokes my skin, and I’m sure I’ll set the whole place ablaze any moment now, and not metaphorically either.

“Fuck, Belle, I…” He tries to look at me, energetically rubbing his eyes.

I know what he wants. He wants to see me. If he only knew I felt his gaze in the only place that matters to me – deep within my soul. “Touch me, don’t stop,” I plead. Urgency demands it, I feel like if he doesn’t do it soon I’ll crash into oblivion.

“I wanted it to be gentle, romantic, everything I thought you wanted,” he tries to explain, but I lean in and suck the blood from his lips.

“Turns out I’m not that kind of girl. All I want is you, just as you are. Strong, savage, real.” My hands are already on the button of his jeans, undoing his pants.

Yep, romance is out the window, along with whatever’s left of my sanity.

We get rid of our clothes and I gasp as his huge erection presses against my belly. Strong as forged metal, hot as the melting point of steel. I wrap my hand around it and he shivers beneath my touch.

Bar grabs me by the hips and lifts me up. My mouth drops open as my eyes meet his. They’ve become clear, almost transparent and colorless. Something in him is reaching out to me, and I tremble in fear. What is that? What’s happening? Something within him is looking at me, with an intensity that shocks me to my core.

Before I can dwell on the significance of that, he drives himself into me. I scream. It stings, burns where he rips me open from the inside. I claw at his shoulders trying to dull the pain. He withdraws and plunges himself back in again. My inner walls clench around his cock and I get used to that feeling of fullness. I’m overwhelmed but still unsatisfied.

When I open my eyes I see that my long talons had deeply pierced his skin, and blood is pouring down the sides of his body. I want him. Bar, his blood in my veins, his cock inside me.

“Oh my God,” I lean forward and lick up his blood. I can’t stop feeding on him as he thrusts into me over and over.

I think I smell smoke and gunpowder. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s our friction creating that smell, because I’m burning, burning inside and out.

“Belle, look at me, I want to see your beautiful eyes while I’m inside you,” Bar growls, tightening his grip on me in mid-air and fucking me against the wall.

I look right at him and meet his colorless gaze, burning with his desire for me. He licks his blood-slicked hand and grunts wildly. The smell of this blood is different from his.

I notice fangs emerging from between his lips and I’m filled with a paralyzing terror, as I realize he’s just tasted my blood.

“Bar—” I gasp, but he clamps his hand on my mouth and the traces of my blood-scent drive me wild.

“Shh… quiet, Belle, don’t fight it,” he whispers, breathing deep and approaching my neck. My skin is tingling, crawling, I hold my breath. I can’t protest, I’m stunned as his fangs pierce my skin. How is this possible? He sucks my blood and I’m carried out on a wave that shatters me into a thousand fucking pieces of sublime bliss the likes of which I’ve never known. A Satanic orgasm that unleashes a part of me that’s so dark, so hidden.

The familiar itch in my upper gums takes hold of me, I knock Bar’s hand away and press my mouth to his neck. We wage a war of give and take, the one coveting the other beyond restraint. His hips thrust into me savagely, and I feel the wave of another orgasm galloping towards me at dizzying speed.

We complete each other like puzzle pieces, one complementing the other. The damn bell rings wildly, stinging and torturous. As though reading my mind, Bar crushes the bell in his hand, relieving me somewhat of its weight and influence.

Good God, what’s happening here? First he manages to hurt me, now he’s released me of that damned bell. Where is this strength coming from?

The crumpled metal falls to the ground, and I ride the wave of the orgasm flowing through me with such pleasure that my whole body trembles. Bar groans and spills himself inside me, climaxing with me in a harmony of animalistic, savage sounds.

I look at his eyes and see they’re blue as the sky I always imagined in Heaven. But I know we’re not in Heaven, everything around us is burning. We’ve brought ruin to the cabin and all the lands of Adam. And the person looking at me isn’t Bartimaeus, it’s the Devil himself, and we’re surrounded by the flames of the underworld.