Sin of the Saints (Between Delusion and Sobriety Duet #2)

Chapter 37

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Bellcolor

I reach out towards the handle on Dr. Abano’s office door for our evening session, and at the last moment I change my mind and pull back.

“Everything alright, Belle?” Ellis approaches me in the corridor.

“I’m not sure.” I stare at Dr. Abano’s name on the sign, and laugh bitterly at the irony of his name, which in Italian means water, the absolute opposite of my name, which means fire. Opposites really do attract, but in my case it’s destined to be destructive. “You think the administrator will be angry if I decide to skip today’s session?”

“I think it would help if you talked with Dr. Abano about what’s weighing you down.”

“I don’t want to talk to him.” I’m afraid he’ll want to pry into the subject we left open during our last session, I’m scared he’ll push me to open up when all I want is to curl up into a ball and just disappear. The most correct choice of words is that I’m not capable of talking to him.

“Would you like to talk to someone else? I’m not certified like Dr. Abano but I’d be a good listener for you.” Ellis’ voice is soft and I turn to meet his radiant smile.

“I think that could be nice.” The idea that someone might just listen without analyzing my thoughts is somewhat comforting.

“In that case,” he says, gesturing down the corridor. I follow him and he leads me outside. I cover my head with my hoodie and wrap my arms around myself. The nights are getting longer and colder, a fact that makes me sad in itself.

“You like this place,” Ellis declares as he sits on the bench, his gaze focusing on the sunset appearing before us in a panoramic view.

“Yes.” I sit by him and take a deep breath. “The air’s good here.” Unlike the constant suffocation in my life that I can’t get used to.

“You can start talking whenever you want, He’ll listen,” Ellis says without looking away from the sky.

“He?” I stare at him, wondering. “I thought you were suggesting I talk to you.”

“ Him. ” He points to the sky. I turn and focus on the shades of red in the sky, looking like they’ve been set ablaze. I’m mesmerized.

“Why do you think He’ll listen to me?”

He chuckles. “If He listens to me, I’m sure He’ll listen to you too. It’s my favorite time to talk to Him, try it.”

Despite my curiosity, I don’t ask Ellis why he questions the fact that God listens to his prayers. I know he’s caught up in Valentina’s ruses, all of which practically scream forbidden sins, but he was always nice to me and treated me fairly, so I ignore it.

I decide to take Ellis’ advice, and from the moment I open my mouth, my torrent of words doesn’t stop until the skies are painted black. Ellis stays by my side, saying nothing and not moving a muscle, even as I weep and direct all my rage at his God.

“As far as I’m concerned, you can send me to Hell! I’m not afraid of you!” I summarize my rebuking of him.

A long silence follows, becoming burdensome. Ellis clears his throat and says, in a steady voice: “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death 1 .”

“Yes, just what I needed, kick a girl while she’s wallowing in self-pity.” I wipe my nose and I feel so pathetic. Is he proving me so?

“What do you think it means?”

“That I’m everything you listed, I’ve properly earned what I’m getting.”

He ponders this for a long moment before replying: “Then aren’t we all? Isn’t it natural to be afraid, or lose faith in weakness? Aren’t we all loathsome? There isn’t a person in the world who hasn’t had at least one lie roll off their tongue. But is the punishment for an innocent lie equal to cruel murder?”

“I don’t know, you tell me. You’re the believer here.”

He laughs and shakes his head, and his reaction confuses me. “You believe too, Belle. You have more fervent faith than any believer I’ve ever known. You’re just angry, and I can understand that.”

“Some might argue with you about that.”

“Why do you think I talk to Him after nightfall if they say God is light?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know anything. I always thought He’d meet me at dawn.” I waited for Him every dawn, but He never came to me.

“Look ahead, Belle. What do you see?” Ellis gestures to the landscape, and I focus on the dark wadi. There’s nothing there.

“Nothing,” I answer, not getting where he’s going.

He spreads his hands across the sky and says: “I see his light gleaming brighter than ever in the stars in the sky, and the moonlight caressing the mountains, caressing you and I.” He turns to me, his bright hair practically glowing like an aura, and I gasp. He looks like an angel sent to me. “And within you is a hollow darkness many believe to be a place without God, but I say otherwise. How can you turn such rage towards someone you don’t believe in? The strength of your fury expresses your fierce desire to love him.”

Love.

The emotion was foreign to me. I knew only the cold of a world of self-interest, manipulation and cruelty. I knew only lustful madness, seeing what it did to people. Lust turns people into monsters.

“Yet He’ll still condemn me to eternal punishment in Hell, you said you yourself.”

“I’m not the one who said that. Someone wrote it, and others followed those words. Are they absolute truth? I can’t be sure, so I ask Him and we talk about it.”

I turn to him, surprised. “He answers you?”

“In His way,” he replies with a shrug. “Sometimes listening is in itself enough. If you tell Him your story, He’ll listen.” He gets to his feet and turns towards the central building.

“Where are you going?”

He returns to me, pulls out a fistful of pages and a pen from his pocket, and holds them out to me. I look at him uncomprehendingly. “It’s time for you to tell your story, Belle. Your true story.”

I take the pages and the pen from him, saying nothing, too stunned to speak. I turn back around and stare into the night’s darkness. My hair is standing on end as a caress brushes over my skin, like the haunted touch of a ghost. I should be afraid of being left alone, just me and my demons, but the light of the moon is shining brighter tonight than ever, dispelling my anxiety towards the invasive touch. I should also fear that second death Ellis mentioned – the lake of fire, but for some reason that lake appears in my mind’s eye as the most serene place.

I open the folded pages and stare at their emptiness, calling me to fill them like they contain the secret to that treasured liberation.

“If it’s my fate to be bound to yours, Libretto, I’ll pray that your fate be as cursed as mine. You and I will share our doom in the burning lake.”

I take a deep breath as he scratches me in protest, and write the header: “The Final Chapter”.