Sine Qua Non

Chapter Eleven

Nicholas walked her in through the door, one hand planted on her lower back. After settling her on the couch, he disappeared with the dog. “Where are you going to put it?” she asked, kicking off her shoes, and Nicholas answered, a little grimly, “I’ll find somewhere.”

To anyone else, the words would have been alarming, but the dog’s tail had been wagging as the two of them walked away, and she had seen the way he’d looked at her when she’d been holding the puppy. It made her remember a time that felt very long ago now, when she had walked past Damon’s office and heard Nick asking for a dog and his father telling him, no, that pets were a lot of work and wasted time that he would be better off spending elsewhere.

Still a little buzzed, Jay picked up the remote and tapped a few buttons. The landing page was full of nature shows and she landed on a live-feed of a camera somewhere in the deep ocean, with murky green water the color of a raw aquamarine.

She paused, transfixed by the sight of a shark weaving its way above a coral reef.

“This is all the algorithm shows me now, because of you.” Jay jumped, clutching the remote guiltily as Nicholas pushed off from the wall. His sleeves were rolled up and as he got closer, she saw little marks that must have been from the dog’s scrabbling dirty paws. “What’s this one?”

“It’s one of your ancestors. Cold-blooded, predatory, and always on the hunt.”

His eyes narrowed and then his shoulders twitched. She screeched when he vaulted over the back of the couch, causing the whole thing to shake so alarmingly that she felt a flicker of real fear when the springs shrieked beneath them as he tackled her.

“Nooo! Nick!” She half-gasped, half-laughed as she brought her legs to her chest, shoving at him ineffectively with her bare feet. He pinned her wrists down, despite her protests, and started biting at her face and throat. “Stop it! What are you doing?”

“Marking you for later.” A dull ache rocked her to the core as his teeth grazed the skin beneath her ear before he closed his lips over the base of her throat and sucked hard. Gripping him the way she was, she felt the low rumble of his laugh like a caress. “So I remember to eat you.”

Oh my god . Her hips suddenly felt as if they had been filled with hot lead. Giving her a slow, seductive smile, he tugged her sweater off her shoulders and bit her just above her left breast. Jay jerked with a gasp, her eyes swinging instinctively to the low wall over their heads.

“Is there a bird fish?” he whispered hotly.

“There’s a bird wrasse.” She pushed at him nervously and he growled. “Nick, seriously. I can’t go into the office with marks all over my throat.”

He gave a tug at her top. “Who said anything about your throat?”

“Stop it now.” She grabbed his wrist as she sat up, and he allowed her to push him backwards so that he was leaning against one of the arms, sitting sideways. “Where’s the puppy?”

“I put him in the garage.” His eyes kept flicking over her, like he found it impossible to stop. “I’ll take him to the vet tomorrow. They’ll see me without an appointment.”

Jay shook her head at the arrogant tone. His eyes were softer in this low light, though, and framed by those dark sable lashes, that icy gray almost looked warm enough to melt. “Are you sure he’ll be all right in there?” she asked worriedly. “There’s chemicals—and he might get lonely.”

“There’s no chemicals out there. Just a bunch of old Christmas shit. I’ll bring him into the house after he’s chipped—and washed.”

She put her hand on his chest. “Thank you.”

“Saying no to you wasn’t really an option.” His torso rose and fell beneath her palm. When she moved lower, he sucked in. “You have a history of picking up the strays.”

“Does the cold, ruthless millionaire have a heart, after all?”

“You tell me.” His lips parted as he watched her trace over his abdomen. Still stained faintly with wine, they were all the more tempting for their chiseled cruelty. “You’re the one who told me I didn’t have one.”

“I was wrong.” She leaned closer, bracing herself against his arm as she leaned up towards his mouth. “You weren’t what I thought you were.”

Jay felt the flinch of muscle through the thick waffle-knit and then he pulled away, sliding off the couch completely. She stared up at him, with her hands braced between her legs, confused and a little hurt. His face was unreadable.

“I’m going to make some coffee.”

Jay grabbed the throw blanket off the back and wrapped it around her shoulders. “I thought you didn’t know how to use the machine,” she called out, feeling vulnerable and small in the silence of the empty room. Her eyes darted warily to the wall where that spider sculpture had once sat. It was gone now—sold, she imagined. Or destroyed. “Wasn’t that why I had to make it?”

“I printed out the instructions in French.”

He was holding two full mugs when he came back. They smelled like the honey whiskey he had kissed off her body, and that realization nearly made her drop her cup when the scent hit her nose. “I’m not trying to get you drunk,” he said, a little coolly, watching her reaction.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to. I know that look.” He leaned back against the arm, stretching out his long legs. “The last time we drank out here, you accused me of trying to drug you.”

Jay took a defiant sip of coffee and the warmth spread down her throat like a hot blush. “The things I say and do don’t just occur in a vacuum, you know.”

“I know.” Nicholas set his cup aside and her stomach flipped when he put his arms around her waist and hauled her up against his chest so she was sitting between his raised knees. Reaching down for his mug again, she heard him take a sip. “But I want you to feel safe with me.”

Jay froze.

They had cuddled like this when they were younger, but it had been different then. Innocent. The way her body reacted when he ran his hand down her arm before pressing his mouth to the back of her neck was not innocent. Nor was the way that she clutched her mug in white-knuckled hands, struggling to maintain easy breathing as he slid the straps of her top and bra out of the way to kiss across her bare shoulders.

“I missed this.” The words were so quiet that if it hadn’t been for the rumble of his voice against her back, she could have convinced herself that he hadn’t spoken at all.

She shivered a little. Me, too , she thought, swallowing hard. “I was always a little surprised that you never came after me.”

He made a soft sound as he traced small circles over the soft skin beneath her navel. It felt almost as good as it did when he kissed her there while he was on his knees. “Why were you surprised?”

“You were so obsessed with me. I couldn’t believe you’d let me go.”

“Would you have come back?” She felt his hands lace over her stomach, as if even now, he was driven by the urge to claim and possess. “If I had tracked you down and shown up at your door five years ago, six years ago, would you have returned here with me?”

“N-no,” she admitted shakily. “I would have run.”

“That’s why I didn’t.” His fingers dipped beneath her top. “I don’t like to rush and I didn’t want to scare you.”

“No, you just sent a private investigator to take photos of me that you did god-knows-what with.” Jay twisted around to look at him. “What if I had been seeing someone?”

“I would have persuaded him to give you to me instead.”

“And you think that’s rational? You think that’s something ordinary people just do to other people because they feel like it? Trade them like fucking stocks?”

“Anyone who would give you up either doesn’t deserve you or can’t afford you, and since supply informs demand—” He flicked his fingers over her bare hip, each touch a sparkling constellation of fire and heat. “It looks like I control the market and the supply.”

“I find it insulting that you think I would have just stood around passively and let you do this absolutely insane thing you just said.”

Nicholas laughed. “You just told me that all your exes liked you because they saw you as pretty and uncomplicated, and how much that pissed you off. But that’s not why I like you, Jay. And you’ll never have to fight against your own happiness to prove yourself to me.”

I don’t even remember the last time I was happy , thought Jay. Except that she could, and it had been today.

With him.

She shoved against that thought so viciously that she physically recoiled. “I didn’t realize I was being publicly traded.”

“You traded ten million for me.” He flicked the snap of her jeans. “Turnabout is fair play.”

Fuck . She squirmed again and this time, his arms tightened, holding her firmly within the cradle of his spread thighs. “You put me on a pedestal,” she said haltingly, feeling much too hot under these too-bright lights. “Maybe you can’t help that. But the way you love me—I’m not perfect. I’m nobody’s angel. And you’ll begrudge me for not being the person you want me to be when public opinion of me drops.”

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“Nick—”

“No, Jay. I’m telling you right now, it doesn’t work like that .”

He nudged at her shoulder, making her look back at him, where she was greeted with a kiss so thorough that the alcohol coating her tongue seemed to catch fire. When he lifted his hips, she was forced into an ungainly sprawl, and when she rolled over to steady herself, she kicked the blanket to the floor and nearly knocked over her mostly-untouched coffee.

Nicholas looked up at her heatedly, and the flexing of his thighs beneath hers caused a ripple of sensation that pooled like ice between her legs and made her breath come shorter.

“You’re perfect,” he breathed, “for me.”

“No,” Jay said. “I’m not.”

Both his hands were under her top now. Slowly, he drew his thumbs over the tips of her breasts, his eyes firmly trained on her face. “Too bad. I want you anyway.”

“Nick—” It came out as a gasp.

“That’s why I said you could hurt me.” He sucked hard on her neck, stroking her nipples until they began to feel tender. “Nothing you could do to me would hurt more than leaving.”

“I want to stay,” she breathed.

The realization hit her like a slap, and so did this strange rush of power when she saw the desperation in his face as she got to her knees.

I can make him do what I want.

It was an ugly thought—her mother’s thought—and she winced from it, peeling her top off and unhooking her bra. “I want to stay,” she repeated. “You love me, don’t you?”

She felt Nicholas start beneath her, his eyes taking in her body. And then with an almost mocking gesture, he crossed his arms and tugged off his own shirt. “I can’t get you out of my fucking mind.”

When he fisted her hair, she felt an answering clench in her lower belly as her eyes swept over his lean and powerful build. He pushed up with his hips and the exquisite pressure between her legs, and the eagerness of his rough, biting kisses made her moan into his mouth.

“That’s why I was willing to pay so much to watch you come,” he whispered.

That should have terrified her. But she was so tired, and her resistance was no match for his desire. It had pulverized into fine dust. He pushed her hair back and kissed her jaw, his fingers spanning over her face, her throat, and she wondered if he would at least be gracious in victory.

Or if he would just consume her whole.

Nicholas growled when he felt her sag towards him. Then his lips seized hers again and there was something desperate about his kissing, an aggression that nearly felt anxious. She wondered if he’d ever kissed any other woman like this. And if so, whether any of them had ever suspected that they were trying to free a man who wanted to sink deeper into his obsession like a stone plunging into a dark sea.

“Open your eyes.” He breathed in harshly against her skin, every point of contact between them like a heated star in a fracturing constellation. “Look at me.”

“I can’t close my eyes?”

“If we’re going to do it with the lights off, I want to know you’re there with me.” Forehead resting against hers, he breathed, “I feel like I’m always chasing you through the dark.”

Jay felt her body flush from hot to cold and back, as if her nerve endings were breaking.

“Why won’t you look at me? Is it because it hurts?” She felt him run a hand down her spine, tender and possessive and so, so familiar. “Do you want me to be gentle?”

“No.”

The harshness of her voice made him blink at last.

“I don’t want that.” Jay looked away from his penetrative stare, clutching at her bare arm. “I don’t want gentle. I told you. I like it . . . when you’re rough with me.”

His hand closed over the back of her neck and he pulled her in for a possessive kiss that had her shifting in his lap. His eyes went to her face, seeking confirmation.

“Rougher,” she whispered.

Nicholas relaxed his fingers, tracing along to the front of her throat. She wasn’t expecting him to yank her forward by her necklace. The chain bit into the back of her neck and her eyes flew open as his mouth fiercely covered hers. He put his hand on her back to keep her pressed against him, even as the force of his kissing drove her backwards.

“Oh god,” she said, struggling to catch her breath. “Nick—”

She reached for him and he brought her hand up behind her back.

“Beg for it.” He bent his head to kiss his way down her ribs until she hissed. “Tell me you want it.”

“I do.” She choked on the words. “I want it. I want you . Just you. Please .”

He let go of the necklace, letting it swing back against her collarbone. And now his free hand was touching her everywhere, and his surprisingly callused hands painted her in swirls of fire with each caress, causing her desire to unwind like a molten cord in the pit of her belly.

“You’re so beautiful.”

Touch me , thought Jay.

“Daddy’s little bird.”

A desperate sound escaped her as his hand slid down her hip.

“Did you have a good time today?”

“W-what? I—yes—” She barely got the word out, distracted by his mouth, and the gentle slide of his fingers as he put his hand inside her jeans. “I mean, yes, Daddy.”

“You had fun?”

“Yes, but—”

“I want to take you out again tomorrow.” He was almost touching her where she needed him to, and Jay set her teeth to bite back another gasp, squeezing her eyes shut even more tightly at the sudden rush of pleasure. “When I come back from the vet, let’s go for a hike. And then we’ll grab lunch from some hole-in-the-wall. Wherever you want.”

“Whatever . . . I want,” Jay panted, feeling increasingly desperate as he dropped a featherlight kiss on one of her nipples while his fingers just skirted her clit.

“How does that sound?”

“Sure, but—” She blinked in foggy confusion when he pulled away, sober enough that she sensed a trap. “You—”

“What?” His full mouth parted into a predatory grin. “Oh, you thought you were going to get to fuck me? You should have kept your eyes open like I told you.” His eyes flickered over her as he leaned back on the couch. “I’ll still let you suck my cock.”

“Oh my god, you’re such an arrogant—” Jay broke off irately, grabbing at her top and pulling it back on. “ Asshole ,” she said. “Why am I even surprised? Everything’s always a game with you.”

“Poor little bird. I’d feel sorrier for you if I didn’t know you’d be getting off in your room later with the door closed to that picture of me you still have on your phone.”

“ Fuck you for going through my phone.” Jay rose on shaky legs, breathing far too hard, while he leaned back to watch his effect on her with obvious amusement. “I know what you’re doing.”

He picked up his shirt and pulled it back on, rolling the fabric over his magnificent torso. She looked away, but not fast enough. His grin widened.

“Don’t worry, Jay. I’m sure you can work off all your frustrations on tomorrow’s uphill climb.”

*****

Nine years of scouring the internet for any traces of her presence.

Five years of fighting with his father until the old man obliged him by dropping dead.

Four years of living in this fucking house alone.

So many sleepless nights. So much pent-up rage.

Sometimes Nicholas tallied up all that lost time until he thought it would drive him mad.

He’d murdered his father in effigy when he turned this mansion into a soulless shell of its former glory, but that wasn’t enough. No, what he really wanted to destroy was whatever it was that still made Jay look at him like he was the monster from her dreams.

If he could reach inside himself and pull it out, he would. He’d offered her the chance to do it herself, though the rot had burrowed deep. Long before he’d resorted to blackmail, he’d spied on her, photographed her, and raided her room, desperate to find any keys that might unlock her soul.

She would hate him even more if she knew all the depraved things he’d done. The fantasies, the stalking, the fucking obsession. That he had used her shampoo to jerk off and stolen her clothes, her lipstick. That when she wasn’t around, he had sometimes lain in her bed and imagined what it would be like to touch her the way she said she’d wanted to be touched in her journal.

And of course, he had watched her touch herself. Every catch of her breath, every discreet rustle of fabric, every teasing glimpse of brown skin—he had seen it all, and taken it as a sign that not even Jay was immune to pleasure. And, more importantly, that he could give it to her.

He could be the one to make her come.

The first time his stepmother had called him to beg for money, he had been thinking of Jay. She was in his thoughts constantly, like a fluttering dark moth drawn to the bright flame of his obsession. The sharpness of his rage at finding her gone the night of his father’s party had slowly dulled over the years, and in that well-lit gnawing emptiness, a lead-like desolation had begun to form that sometimes felt like it might drag him down to his knees. Nothing could fill that sucking void.

Desperate, he had set up a Google Alert for every variant of Jay’s name that he could think of but it hadn’t turned up much. Just fleeting ghosts of the past turned up by old web trawlers. One day, he’d got an email notification about one of her old high school awards. But then a Livejournal post written by one of her little hipster friends had allowed him to trace her to San Francisco, and he had felt a surge of victory chased by frustration and thwarted rage.

So close , he had thought. Just over an hour away by plane.

It had seemed a crime that she had been so close after all this time. A taunt. How fucking dare she.

He had no way of contacting her then but the private investigator had been able to provide him with some more leads: a list of her favorite places, the business where she worked, and photos of her looking impossibly, devastatingly beautiful.

She could be seeing someone. Nicholas had studied her large dark eyes in the photograph he liked best, the one of her in the café, and remembered their once-defiant glitter. I’ll tear him apart if she’s fucking him.

Hearing Danielle’s shrill voice had made all those violent impulses resurface, and he was perversely that his loathing for his stepmother was almost enough to distract from the thoughts of Jay spread out like a feast beneath another man.

“Nicholas, don’t hang up. Your secretary put me through.”

He let out a hoarse, disbelieving laugh as he toyed with the pen in his hand. “What the fuck do you want?”

“I’m broke.” Her nasally voice was like the whine of a mosquito. “I’m about to lose my apartment.”

“I’m not running a charity. And even if I was, you’d be the last person to benefit.”

“Would you be willing to talk to Jay?”

His fingers hovered over the “end call” button. “Is she there?”

“No, but I can give you her number.” She sounded smug now, but still spoke quickly, as if she thought his interest might wane. “Her address, too. For ten grand.”

“You think I’m going to pay you to have my estranged older sister give me a talking-to? That’s really how you want to play this? I’m not ten years old.”

“I know you’ve been looking for her.”

The words fell into a silence that was a little too telling on his part. She must have heard the rumors . “After what you did, I’m surprised she’s still talking to you.”

“I’m her mother,” Danielle said haughtily. “She trusts me.”

“And you’d sell her to me for ten grand.” Not bothering to keep the disgust from his voice, he said, “What if I hurt her?”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Would you care if I did?” Suddenly, he was furious, blinded by his loathing for this woman. “No, I don’t think you would. You’ve been jealous of her your whole fucking life. You’d love it if she got what was coming to her, you fucking Judas cunt.”

“Don’t talk to me like that—you—you oversized brat!”

“I can talk to you however I want,” Nicholas countered. “You want my money, you dance to my tune. You want to sell Jay to me? Do that. But call it what it is when you give me her information. You’re not her mother, you’re her pimp.”

“How dare you.”

“I’ll write you the check as soon as I’ve determined both are valid. Forgive me,” he added coldly, “for not trusting you.”

He hung up on her while she was still swearing at him, which normally would have been good for some amusement. But as he stared at the wall with his framed Stanford diploma, all he could think about was that photograph of Jay in the café with that lock of gray hair dangling in her eyes.

I’m going to possess you, my little blue jay. And I’m going to make you love it.

Nicholas had to hand it to the old step-bitch. She’d waited a full week after that initial phone call before hounding him for more money (after he’d told his secretary he didn’t want to talk to her, no less), and then threatening to sue him for all he was worth if he didn’t give her what she wanted. As if he’d been the one to get her disinherited. She’d violated her own fucking terms by cheating on his father.

Nicholas ran his hand over the desk in what had been his old bedroom, shaking the memory of that day from his head. Perhaps he had her mother to thank for making Jay into what she was: a woman who ran from her potential because she thought the spotlight would burn.

“Dried up old whore,” he muttered, and then laughed.

Oh, the fucking irony.

He knew exactly how he was going to make her pay.

Nicholas left the converted office, taking care to close the door behind him. Jay’s room was still shut, so he headed out through the sun room to the detached garage. The weather was fair, with puffy clouds rolling slowly across the cornflower blue sky. He could see them reflected in the serene surface of his pool.

The puppy had been waiting for him. As soon as he had the door open, there was a whine, followed by several high-pitched barks. A shiny black nose appeared in the gap.

He bent down and scooped up the dog. It immediately began to wiggle. The sight of those comically large paws cycling at nothing in the air made one side of his mouth turn up as he headed back into the house. Carbon’s carrier was still in the front hall, and he eased the reluctant dog inside.

Whines drifted from the crate all the way out the front door and into his car. Nicholas tried to put on music, but Puscifer turned the whimpers into anguished howls so he shut off the radio with a sigh. “You have shitty taste in music,” he told the dog.

The receptionist at Hana Vet Clinic wanted to be chatty, asking him if he had any plans for the day, but he wasn’t in the mood to play nice. He answered her questions with clipped answers while looking at his phone, knowing he was being rude and not caring.

“I’ve entered you in the system,” she said, sounding cross. “It should be a short wait.”

He wasn’t seated for five minutes before the door opened and a woman in scrubs poked her head into the waiting room. “Mr. Beaucroft, wasn’t it? I’m Dr. Jennifer. You had that charity dinner last year, didn’t you? For the city?”

“I just sign the checks,” he said, standing to follow her into the examining room.

She lifted her ponytail to loop her stethoscope around her neck. “Don’t be so modest. Some of that money got us new surgery lights and an ultrasonic scale. We’re very grateful.” When he didn’t reply, Dr. Jennifer bent down to the crate. “Who’s this handsome little fellow?”

“Maynard.”

“What an unusual name.”

“Mhm.” He looked away from her hunching backside, walking over to examine a sign on the wall that said, CAN DOGS EAT HUMAN FOODS? No nightshades , it said underneath. No xylitol.

“Is it French?”

“No idea.” Nicholas looked over his shoulder. The vet was looking into the twitching ears, the nose. Even lifted the tail for a quick look. “Is he all right?”

“He’s a healthy boy.” She ruffled the dog’s ears. “It looks like he’s already been neutered and chipped but his coat suggests he’s a little malnourished. Was he a rescue?”

“I found him in some shrubs.” He paused. “That is, my girlfriend did.”

“Oh.” Her smile dimmed a little as she gave the puppy another pat. “Well, that’s not uncommon, I’m sorry to say. Sometimes people fall in love with the idea of a puppy more than they do with the actual dog. Then it grows up and becomes too much of a handful. Especially with big breeds like this.”

Nicholas thought again of Jay’s mother. His jaw tightened. “What breed is he?”

The vet glanced at the dog. “Without genetic testing, it’s hard to be certain, but at a glance, I’d guess he’s a king shepherd, or a mix.”

“Does he need any shots? I’d like to get him all taken care of today, as well as a new chip.”

Dr. Jennifer seemed a little taken aback. “Generally, you’d need to set up another appointment for that. This is just a check-up.”

“I’m sure other parts of the building could use new surgery lights,” Nicholas said.

An hour later, and a few grand lighter, Maynard was back in his crate, a little dopey from his chipping, and Nicholas was back behind the wheel of his car. He stopped by the Afghan place again to pick up some takeout before their hike. Thankfully, the nosy owner hadn’t been there.

Knowing Jay, she was only just starting to get up.

He thought of how cross she’d been in her apartment, how it colored her cheeks and gave her eyes a vicious glint, and made her stand just a little taller when she faced up to him.

Grumpy little bird.

A satisfied smile curled his mouth.

He was looking forward to it.