Single All the Way (Single Dads of Dragonfly Lake #2)

Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

Emerson

C hristmas was a week away.

The salon was having its best month yet, and in spite of all the hard work that entailed, my stylists were upbeat and festive, not to mention thrilled with their higher-than-usual holiday tips.

Today was the last day of school until after the new year, so I was certain Berty had her hands full with hyper kids. On top of winter vacation, mine could hardly wait to see their nana.

Kizzy and Shannon were arriving in two days and would be staying at the Marks Resort for a full week. Xavier and Skyler were extra excited because Kizzy had invited them to swim at the hotel’s indoor pool as much as they wanted.

Having my mother-in-law and her wife take my kids off my hands for a few hours at a time would allow me to finish shopping and wrap their gifts in private—and maybe breathe for a minute.

The thing about extra holiday spirit, I was finding, was that it made me even more apt to spend on my kiddos. I’d never had this much fun with Christmas shopping before, and I wouldn’t apologize for it or feel bad about how much money I sank into it. My business was thriving. I was grateful, as a single mom, to have enough to spoil them.

Willow and I were the last two at Posh. We locked up and left together, laughing about a story one of her clients had told her. It was dark, cold, and snowing again, but in a light, fluffy, happy way instead of a closing-down-the-town way.

We said goodbye, and once I had my SUV running, I turned up the country music to cleanse my ears from holiday songs. I might be feeling festive, but if I never heard another carol, I’d be ever so ecstatic.

As I turned onto Honeysuckle Road, my phone rang. Kizzy’s name popped up on the dash screen.

“Hello, Mother-in-Law,” I said cheerily.

“Hi, Emerson. Is this a bad time?”

“Not at all. It’s good timing, actually. I’m driving home. Captive audience. The kids are so excited to see you they’re like those yappy little dogs who run in circles when they’re overstimulated.” I laughed at the image in my head because it was so appropriate.

“Yeah.” She didn’t laugh right away, her tone setting off my concern. “About that… Our plans have changed rather suddenly, I’m afraid.”

“What? Is everything okay?” Concern pulsed through me. The last I knew, Kizzy had been counting the days along with the kids. Every time they FaceTimed, they went on and on about her and Shannon’s visit and all the things they’d do together.

“Everything’s fine.” She laughed self-consciously. “It’s a crazy story and a rare opportunity.”

I stiffened, unable to find it in me to laugh with her or even smile. “Okaaaay.”

“We have these close friends out here, Marla and Lew. They booked a big, elaborate trip to Machu Picchu to celebrate their fortieth anniversary. All the bells and whistles, apparently. Well, they’re supposed to leave Saturday morning, but Lew’s been having some health problems lately, and he finally got a diagnosis yesterday. It’s a rare type of cancer, and they’ve got to start treating it right away.”

“I’m sorry, Kizzy. That’s awful.”

“It is. Prognosis is a little grim, but they think it’s early enough he’s got a decent chance, as long as he starts treatment right away.”

“That makes sense,” I said, my mind flitting ahead to how this was going to devastate my kids. “So you’re going to help them out?”

“Ohh, nothing that noble, I’m afraid. They can’t get their money back for this trip, but obviously they can’t go. What they can do is transfer it to someone, and they’ve gifted it to Shannon and me. Since we didn’t get a honeymoon, we thought it was a wonderful opportunity. We’ll come to Dragonfly Lake in January and have a late second Christmas.”

I drove with my mouth gaping open as I tried to figure out what to say. “Okay” was what came out, even though it wasn’t. I wasn’t okay. “The kids are going to be really disappointed,” I managed.

“I know,” she said. “I hate to postpone, but we’ll make it up to them when we’re there in January.”

She made it sound like all would be fine in the end, and it probably would be. It was the near future that was going to be hard—for me, Skyler, and Xavier, not Kizzy.

“Well, thanks for letting me know,” I said, not even trying to insert pleasantness into my voice.

“Emerson, I’m sorry. I can tell you’re upset.” Her tone was empathetic and gentle, which made me feel unreasonable. “If there was a way for me to make everyone happy, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I was hoping you’d understand and welcome us a couple of weeks late.”

I realized my jaw was clenched, so I took in a slow breath, trying to rein in so many emotions I couldn’t even label them.

“I do understand, Kizzy. I’m all for your amazing trip and you and Shannon getting a belated honeymoon because you deserve it. It’s just that my kids’ hearts are going to be broken. They were already having a hard time with you moving away, selling the house…Skyler especially.” She knew this. We’d talked about it multiple times.

“Bless her precious little heart,” Kizzy said, her voice teeming with love and empathy, and that was exactly what made it impossible for me to lash out at this woman.

She did love my kids unquestionably. For four years, she’d sacrificed her privacy and her peace and let us live with her. I’d shared some of the expenses, and she’d shared nearly all the parenting responsibilities.

We’d moved in when Skyler was a baby and Xavier was only three. Kizzy had jumped in wholeheartedly to help with whatever I needed. Then when the only local salon had closed and I’d debated renting out the space and opening Posh, she’d volunteered to take on daily childcare.

Without her, my life wouldn’t be what I’d built it into, with two kiddos who didn’t question how much they were loved, a successful business, and soon, God and the real estate market willing, a home of our own.

So I found it tricky to begrudge her any of her happiness now—her late-in-life true love, her cross-country move to be with her wife, and a honeymoon. I would come across as spoiled and petty to rail at her for any of it.

But railing was exactly what I felt like doing.

“I’m pulling into the driveway,” I said, deciding hanging up was the best way to avoid voicing the toxic comments in my head. “I need to go find a way to break it to the kids.”

“Let me know if I can help in any way.”

The way to help would be to show up as planned, but that obviously wasn’t going to happen.

“I’ll talk to you after your trip,” I said and ended the call, unable to summon any genuine good wishes or even a pleasant goodbye.

I parked the car in the garage as usual, but I needed time to cool down before I went in that house. I was sure Berty had the kids handled, and maybe Ben was home from work too.

I got out and slammed the door hard. It felt good but didn’t put a dent in the storm inside of me.

By the time I’d walked past the house, beyond the barn, and toward the east property line, my tears nearly blinded me.

“Dammit!” I yelled to the night.

I paced back and forth through the remnants of the previous snow, my anger growing with every step, drowning out the rest of the emotions with its intensity.

Who was going to have to tell my kids and break their hearts? Me.

Who would have to comfort them, get them to sleep, wake up with them in the middle of the night when they were still upset? I would.

Who would have to be mom, dad, grandma, and grandpa to Xavier and Skyler? Yep. “Motherfucking me.”

“Hey.” Ben’s voice came from several feet behind me.

I whipped around, on the edge, semihysterical, and now startled out of my skin. “Shit!” I put my hand to my chest, my heart galloping.

“Sorry, Ems. What’s going on? What are you doing out here?”

“What are you doing?” I snapped back. I wanted to be alone.

“I heard you yell as I was walking home. What happened?”

“I let my guard down. That’s what happened.” I resumed pacing. “Stupid, stupid, stupid!”

“Hey,” he said in a calm, reasonable voice. He took my hand, but I whipped it away. “Emerson, tell me what’s going on. Maybe I can help.”

“You can’t help. I don’t want help. That’s where I went wrong in the first place.”

He let me pace and rant in my head for a minute.

“Could you please tell me what happened? Something with one of the kids?” he asked.

I let out a scoff. “The kids didn’t do anything wrong, but they’re the ones who are going to be devastated. Kizzy canceled.”

“ What? ”

“Kizzy and Shannon aren’t coming for Christmas. They got a better offer.”

“Why the hell aren’t they coming for Christmas? Sky and Xav have been counting down the days.”

“I know that!” I yelled, then realized I was being awful and tried to rein myself in. A sob escaped me. “I know that,” I said more reasonably.

“Come here,” he said in his calm, caring voice.

I didn’t want to be calmed.

I shook my head and stomped away again, clutching the ends of my hair that hung out of my stocking cap. I wanted to rant, rave, scream, and cry.

“This is why,” I said, despair ringing through my voice. “This is why I don’t ever want to depend on someone else again. I never should’ve moved in with Kizzy after Blake was killed. I should’ve known better than to rely on someone else.”

“You were widowed with a newborn and a three-year-old,” he reasoned. “You needed help. Anyone would.”

“I should’ve made it work by myself. I could’ve come back to town without moving into Kizzy’s. Without depending on her for so much. I know better!” My voice broke. “I fucking know better than to get too close. I know better than to care too much. It hurts too much when they go away or let me down.”

I’d broken my own number one rule—twice now. With Kizzy and with Ben. My breath left me as that realization smacked into me.

I squatted down, hugging my knees, head buried in my arms. I was full-out hysterical, probably looked insane. Didn’t care. My heart hurt so overwhelmingly with loss. With loneliness. With bone-deep disappointment, not in Kizzy but in myself. Because I knew better. I’d messed up, and now my kids—and I—would hurt because of it.

When I felt Ben’s hand on my shoulder, I popped up, still unable to take comfort from him. I didn’t want comfort. I needed to be self-sufficient even in this moment.

Putting space between us, I said, “This is why I can’t give you what you want.” My voice was hoarse, quiet. I crossed my arms and hugged myself with my hands on my shoulders. “ This is why I can’t agree to anything long-term. Because it never lasts. Everybody leaves. They either die, or they go away and choose somebody else. My mom died. My grandma died. Blake died. Kizzy left, and here I am again, all alone.” I threw my head back, pointing my face to the sky, then closed my eyes. More tears poured out.

“Dammit, Emerson,” Ben said, his voice full of fire. “You don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what?”

“I’m here. I’m right fucking here.”

“Maybe for now,” I said, “but it won’t last.” If my mother-in-law couldn’t hang on, why would anyone else? I knew this in my soul. I’d just temporarily let myself forget because of a few orgasms and stolen moments.

“I’ll be here, Emerson, if you’ll just let me. For fuck’s sake, I’ve cared about you since sophomore year in high school, before Blake ever asked you out. All these years and I still have these feelings for you.”

“Stop.” I shook my head, unable to fathom what he’d just admitted to. He’d married someone else. Made a life, had kids with her. It didn’t make sense. I sucked in a deep gulp of frigid air.

“That’s just it, Emerson. I apparently can’t stop caring about you.”

His voice had gone quieter but even more intense. It slowed my rant marginally.

“You’re such a good, giving man, Ben, but life has taught me over and over not to get comfortable. Not to rely on anyone else. It’s just me. It’s better that way.”

“Do you really believe that bullshit?” he said, looking angrier than I’d ever seen him.

All that did was reignite my own ire.

“Yes, I really do!”

How could I not? So many losses. So much pain, and it affected my children too. The hurt in my heart from Kizzy’s moving away had been simmering for all these weeks. I’d tried to be understanding and accepting even as I’d felt like the kids and I weren’t important enough for her to stay. Had she ever asked Shannon to move to Tennessee?

Now, with her skipping out on us for Christmas, the biggest thing the kids were looking forward to about the holiday, the cut went deeper. Whether it made sense or not, it took me back to all those other losses because, once again, in the end, I was left to fend alone and wrap my head around another big void in our lives.

I squeezed my eyes shut as tears gushed out. My chest physically hurt. My throat pulsed with pain, making it hard to breathe.

“It was supposed to be a long weekend she took to Vegas, a visit to a friend,” I said, thinking back to just a couple of months ago when Kizzy had yanked the rug out from under us. “I was all for it. She deserved to get away for a few days. When she came back, she was married. No warning. Just, ‘I’m moving a billion miles away.’ And I was so understanding. Genuinely happy for her. I really was. I knew it would mean changes for us. We couldn’t stay in that house forever. But then she sold it so fast…”

“I’ve always thought it was insensitive of her,” Ben said. “She left you in the lurch, and you’ve been so damn understanding.”

“How could I not?” I shrieked. “How could I ask her not to take that preemptive deal on her house?”

I cried harder, because that was the same predicament I was in now. Kizzy’s actions weren’t unreasonable. She was just living her life. But my kids and I were the ones being hurt by it. Again.

“The person I trusted most in the world to be there for my kids has hurt them three times now,” I said, my voice quieter, calmer on the surface, mainly because I was suddenly drained. “Shame on me for letting that happen. This is on me, not Kizzy.”

“There were better ways for her to handle it,” he said. “And she sure as hell didn’t have to blow off the kids’ Christmas.”

“It’s up to me to make it okay for them.” As the words poured out of me, I felt the truth of them in my bones. No more relying on others for that. No more relying on others for anything.

“You’re not going to let me help?”

“No. We never should’ve moved in here. I appreciate your generosity, but I’m going to find an alternative solution. Maybe we’ll rent after all, or we’ll work out a long stay at the inn?—”

“That’s the dumbest thing you’ve said yet.”

“It’s what I should’ve done all along.”

“So you’re going to ruin my kids’ Christmas because Kizzy hurt you?”

Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit . Of course I couldn’t hurt Evelyn and Ruby. I didn’t want to hurt Ben either. “We’ll be here for Christmas just like we planned. But in the meantime, I’m going to see about a room at the Marks. My kids were promised a pool and fun times. If we can get a room, Ruby and Evelyn can come swim with us.”

“You’re running away.”

I let out a laugh that had no humor in it. “I’m keeping myself safe, Ben. Protecting my kids. I can’t take one more loss. Not ever. So call it whatever you need to, but I can’t stay.” I breathed, the panic starting to subside with my decision. “And now I need to go break my kids’ hearts with Kizzy’s news.”

I stalked off before he could say more, feeling wrung out and heartbroken. I needed another couple of hours to level out, process everything, and work up my soothing-mom face, but I didn’t have the luxury. I was a single mom. I’d tend to my own wounds later.

When I was almost to the house, I heard Ben yell, “Fuck!” at the top of his voice. I guessed he was letting out his own frustration.

I wished I wasn’t the cause of it, but I had to do what was best for my kids and myself. I’d lost sight of that since moving in here.

Thank you, Kizzy, for the unpleasant reminder.