Snow Going Back

Chapter 31

THIRTY-ONE

Kate walked out to Lance’s car, feeling a wistfulness for her parents and childhood home almost instantly. Usually she’d be looking forward to returning to London, but this time she knew she wouldn’t see them again until she came home for Christmas, and after seeing all the decorations up in the house and breathing in the familiar scent of cinnamon and nutmeg around the house from her mother’s baking, she felt her absence more keenly than ever.

Henry hugged her extra tight as they said their goodbyes. She’d already had her goodbyes with her mother, and Eleanor was now fussing over Lance as he tried to politely get away and into the car.

‘Did you notice the plastic tree in the living room this year?’ Henry asked her.

‘Yes. I always thought Mum hated the idea of a fake tree,’ Kate replied.

‘She does, but I just couldn’t pick a tree without you. It didn’t feel right,’ he replied. ‘We argued, of course. Your mother suggested I take Lance to pick it instead.’ Kate’s eyebrows shot up in outrage, and Henry nodded his agreement. ‘ Exactly . So I gave her a choice. Either we got a plastic tree or she had to release you from one of the wedding trips this weekend and take Lance to that so you and I could pick the tree together, as always. Obviously, she wasn’t going to agree to such a lopsided prisoner swap, so plastic tree it was.’ He shrugged.

‘Well, I appreciate you sticking to our guns, Dad,’ Kate replied, walking a couple of steps away before looking back with a suspicious squint. ‘You know, that comment I made earlier about you making a good spy…’

‘Yes?’ Henry asked.

‘You said, Who says I’m not ,’ Kate recalled.

Henry arched an eyebrow. ‘I’m not hearing an actual question.’

‘You really do use a lot of military analogies for someone who works for a bank,’ she replied.

‘That’s still not a question,’ he told her.

Kate squeezed her gaze further. ‘ No , it’s not ,’ she said in a suspicious voice. She pointed her index and middle finger towards her eyes and then his. ‘I’m watching you, Hunter.’

Henry laughed. ‘Ahh, if only I was a spy, Kate. What fun that would be. Banker and flower enthusiast by day, double-O by night.’ He put on his best Sean Connery voice. ‘One bottle of Miracle-Gro, please, Miss Moneypenny. Shaken, not stirred.’

Kate laughed. It was ridiculous, now he said it out loud. ‘No amaryllis thief would get away with their antics in these parts again,’ she joked.

‘Nope,’ Henry agreed. ‘Of course, you’d never know if I really was a spy. The families never do.’ He winked as Kate’s gaze resharpened. ‘Safe flight back, love. Touch base when you can.’ He smiled and then turned back to the house as Lance called out from the driver’s seat.

‘Are you ready? Kate?’ He paused as Kate stared at her father’s retreating back. ‘ Kate ?’

‘Coming,’ she said, finally registering. ‘Sorry.’

She walked to the car and turned to give her parents one last wave, just as Henry reached Eleanor on the front step and rested his arm across her shoulders. Kate frowned slightly through her smile, then got in the car and closed the door. As they drove off, she watched them through the wing mirror.

‘Everything OK?’ Lance asked, reaching across to hold her hand.

‘Mm,’ she murmured. She turned to him as they rounded the corner. ‘Hey, if my dad was secretly a spy, what tells do you think there would be?’

‘ Henry ? A spy ?’ Lance let out a loud, sharp burst of laughter. ‘For who exactly? The horticultural society?’

Despite the fact she’d made a similar joke just minutes before, Kate felt herself bristle at Lance’s words. When she said it, it was with love. From Lance, especially in the mocking tone he’d used, it just sounded disrespectful.

Henry was far from perfect, but it didn’t matter how long a stretch of time or space it had been, what she was going through or what her mother was doing, he was her reliable constant. An anchor through the storms and crazy winds of life, always calm, understanding and supportive when she most needed it. So he was someone Kate felt particularly protective over.

‘Never mind,’ she said, turning to look out of her window.

‘I’m only joking,’ Lance said, sensing her disapproval. ‘Come on – where’s your sense of humour?’ He sighed.

Kate twisted her mouth to the side. Perhaps she was being a touch oversensitive. Coming back this weekend had been harder than she’d thought it would be, and the fully packed schedule had exhausted her. She turned to look at him with a reconciliatory smile and squeezed his hand.

‘Sorry, I’m just really tired.’ As if her body was listening, she instantly let out a huge yawn.

She frowned as Lance turned off the road.

‘This isn’t the way out. This is a dead end.’

‘Is it?’ he asked in a strange voice.

He smiled broadly, a twinkle in his eye, and it immediately left her feeling uneasy.

‘What’s going on?’ she asked.

He pulled up on the side of the road and cut the engine. ‘I want to show you something.’

‘What?’ Kate’s concern increased further.

‘Come on.’ Lance got out of the car and walked around to open her door.

He took her hand and led her over to a large house, and Kate’s stomach flipped horribly. She shook her head in horror as he pulled out a key, and as he opened the front door, her hands flew to her face.

Lance took her reaction as amazement, and his smile widened. ‘Isn’t it something? You’re speechless, I know. But you haven’t even seen inside yet. Come on.’ He guided her forward into the house, and she let him, lost for words.

The hallway alone was almost the size of her little London flat. A curved oak staircase stood at the centre of the house, and the state-of-the-art kitchen and the manicured garden that she could see beyond were both huge.

‘It’s the dream , Kate,’ Lance said excitedly. ‘The absolute dream . Five double bedrooms, three with en suites, and a walk-in wardrobe off the master that you’ll love . There’s a games room, built-in cinema and another room down here I thought we could turn into an office.’ He opened a set of double doors. ‘Look at this. Look at that view, Kate. I think this one even rivals your parents’ .’

‘Whose dream?’ she muttered, feeling sick.

‘What was that?’ Lance asked.

Kate looked at him, her shocked expression finally darkening into a deep frown. ‘I said, Whose dream ? Whose dream is this, Lance? Because it is definitely not mine.’ She put her hands up onto her head as she looked around, then dropped them, turning to face him in anger. ‘Tell me you haven’t bought this? Please . Tell me you haven’t.’

Lance recoiled as if stung. ‘What is the matter with you?’ he asked. ‘Why on earth are you yelling at me?’

Kate just shook her head and leaned over, trying to pull in a deep breath, which suddenly didn’t feel possible. She hadn’t realised she was shouting. She recognised this feeling though. She was having a panic attack. ‘Lance, I need to get out of this house. Did you buy it ?’ she asked, trying to keep her voice calm.

‘No,’ he answered coldly. ‘I didn’t. I just arranged to have the key to show you around. I wanted to see what you thought of it. Well.’ He turned away, placing his hands on his hips. ‘ Now I know .’

‘Yes, now you do,’ Kate responded, closing her eyes. ‘Can we please go now?’

‘Yes,’ he replied curtly, marching away to the door without bothering to look back at her.

They drove out of the village in silence, and Kate stared across the fields with her arms crossed over her middle, feeling thoroughly miserable.

Lance eventually looked over, still furious. ‘Are you going to tell me what that was all about?’ he demanded. ‘Because right now, I’m completely in the dark.’

Kate’s frown deepened. ‘Why did you do that? Why didn’t you talk to me about it?’

‘Because I was trying to do something nice !’ he exclaimed. ‘I was trying to make it fun and exciting . I thought you’d be happy.’

‘But why ?’ she asked. ‘What about that did you think would make me happy?’

Lance’s face twisted into an incredulous frown. ‘Are you serious?’

‘Very,’ she responded. ‘I hate surprises, which you know. And if you’d ever actually asked , you’d know that the idea of moving back to the tiny village where I grew up fills me with dread.’

‘ What ?’ Lance asked. ‘That’s insane . It’s one of the most sought-after places to live in the country . What’s got into you?’

Kate stared at him, wondering how they could be on two such completely different wavelengths. ‘ Nothing’s got into me. That’s just how I feel .’

Lance lifted a hand off the wheel and let out a sound of hopelessness, then dropped it again with a shake of his head. ‘ Right. OK. I can’t pretend to understand that in the slightest, but if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel . We’ll look elsewhere. I just thought you’d want to be close to your parents when we had kids, that’s all.’

Kate rubbed her forehead, her nerves still scattered and skittish from the panic attack she was still only just holding at bay. She was exhausted, physically and mentally, and she knew that probably had a lot to do with her particularly emotional reaction, but knowing that didn’t make her feel any better. She felt Lance’s hand move across her back.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said in a gentler tone. ‘I should have spoken to you about it – you’re right. I was just missing you, and I guess I just got carried away with the idea.’

Kate leaned into his arm, burying her head in his shirt. ‘It’s OK,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry I flipped out on you like that. Admittedly, that wasn’t the best reaction. I’m just tired and stressed right now.’

Lance kissed the top of her head. ‘I know. Not long now though, right? You’ll be done soon, and you can settle back properly. Maybe take some time off, if you can. I think you need it.’ There was a short silence. ‘Kate?’

‘Yeah, maybe,’ she managed to reply.

But as the panic reared up again, like a wild horse fighting against the reins she gripped in her blistered mental hands, Kate knew it wasn’t just the house. This panic attack wasn’t going to calmly melt away because it was about all of it. The wedding, the future, the responsibility she had to everyone around her, the loss of control over her life, everything . It was all suddenly far too real, and she had no idea what to do about it. What could she do about it? It was too late. There was no way out of this whirlwind she’d slipped into. Not without blowing up her entire life and everyone in it. Not without destroying Lance and her mother and even Amy, with all that the four of them did together.

A tear escaped her eye, and Kate quickly rubbed it away before it rolled onto Lance’s pristine white shirt. The wedding was booked – it was paid for. Everyone had been invited; everybody they knew was watching them and counting down the days. This was it, she realised. She had no choice but to keep calm and carry on, like the good old British war slogan. And there had to be something in that, she reasoned hopefully. If it had pulled a whole country through a war, surely it could see her through this. It had to.

Because in three weeks she was getting married, and after that they would buy a family home and work out a timescale for children. That was the plan, it seemed. The wheels were fully in motion and the train was now steaming towards the platform.

Kate’s mind reeled as she just about held on to the reins. In just over three weeks, she would walk down the aisle. And there was no way out.