Snow Going Back

Chapter 37

THIRTY-SEVEN

After an hour of pacing her room and sitting at the window looking out at the gently falling snow, trying to snap herself out of this emotional mess she’d let herself get into, Kate stared at the bed debating whether or not to try to sleep. It was late and she was tired, but her mind and her heart were still racing. Her gaze drifted to Cora’s diary, and she stared at it for a few moments, unsure whether she was in the right frame of mind. Then, deciding to try it anyway, she walked over to pick it up. She propped herself up on the bed and thumbed through to the last page she’d read.

The tides had finally begun to turn for William in Cora’s young mind, and Kate had found this change of heart a great comfort to read, a balm for her nerves whenever she worried about her own upcoming marriage. If Cora had finally come around, there was no reason to think that she wouldn’t soon, too. Time was clearly the key. Her and Cora’s tales may have been seventy years apart, but seeing Cora and William’s wonderful, happy life together and knowing it had been born from a marriage based on friendship, sense and logic reassured her. Because she and Lance had so much more than just friendship. They’d chosen to be together. They loved each other.

Perhaps that had been the real reason she’d ended up out here. The universe had clearly chosen to test her at this junction in her life, but perhaps it had also placed this story in her path to bolster her faith in her future with Lance. Maybe Kate had just needed this reminder that sense and logic really were the best ingredients for a happy life.

In an entry Kate had read the week before, Cora had finally accepted William’s proposal. The mystery M had fought, asking her to wait for him while he made something of himself, then asking her to run away with him, as Cora was forced to make a decision. He’d told her his love for her ran so deep, there was nowhere on earth he wouldn’t go for her, and once more Matthew’s face had flickered through her mind. It was Cora’s mother who’d finally managed to make her see sense and marry William. And as her wedding day had approached, Cora had thrown herself into it with all her energy. Kate had stopped reading just before the big day, saving that entry to read on Christmas Day as a little gift to herself. But she needed it now . She needed to soothe herself with Cora and William’s happy ending. Or rather, their happy beginning.

Settling back against the pillows, Kate started reading it eagerly, already feeling her jagged nerves begin to calm as she delved back into their story.

5 October 1955

Today is the day I chose to get married. For weeks now I have lovingly prepared every single last note of the song that is today. My beautiful dress was made and the shoes to match. I woke up with the shakiest nerves I have ever felt in my body. For my nerves knew, it seems, more than I just how momentous a day this would turn out to be.

I knew from the moment I picked it that today would be the day my life changed forever. The day I forged a new path. I packed up my bags last night, ready to take to the home of my new husband, to spend my first night there as man and wife. And I’m so glad I brought my diary. I so very nearly didn’t, for memories can be troublesome things sometimes. But the past and the future are all linked by the present. It is all one big journey, rather than what was and what will be.

It was late last night, as I tossed and turned in my bed, that I felt so restless I could barely think. So I put on my coat and I went for a walk. I just needed some air. I needed to breathe. It felt so stifling in that room, under the shadow of my wedding dress. And my feet carried me without asking where I wanted them to go. I was not thinking of minor things like geography just then. I was thinking about life and death and love and the universe. And then suddenly, there I was, by our old tree. Mine and M’s. And what was more, I was not there alone. For there on the branch was a man. A broken man, his head hung low. And that’s when I knew so much more had aligned for us both to be there that night than just my restless feet. It was something that ran much deeper. Much wilder and more alive in my veins than anything else could ever be in this world.

I got so close I could touch him before he realised he wasn’t alone. And when he turned, the relief in his eyes met with mine and we knew we could not be apart again. Not for another day. Not another hour.

‘Er, what ?’ Kate exclaimed out loud. She turned a wary frown towards Cora’s picture before sitting up straight to read on.

I agreed there and then to go with him wherever he wanted to go. I no longer cared about anything else. I no longer had the strength to hide my unhappiness and be the woman my mother wants me so desperately to be. I know she means well, and her lessons come from a place of love, but my body is not worth preserving if the heart inside it has died. And so we walked back to the house and I picked up my bag. I picked up my wedding dress and my shoes and I left.

I left her a letter to explain and to tell her I love her. M urged me to wait and tell her in person, but he doesn’t know my mother like I. She won’t understand. She’ll need some time before she can accept or forgive this.

I sent just one more letter. An apology to W along with my heartfelt wish that he find a girl much more deserving of him than me. And he will do, I’m sure of it.

M and I walked and talked all night, our need for each other’s company stronger than any need for sleep. We made our plans and our promises. And then first thing this morning we found a little church, far away, where the vicar was happy to marry us. And we stood in front of God and those stones and we said our forever vows. To have and to hold each other, for our whole lives through. For better or worse, now and always.

Now, I belong to M, and he to me. But of course, I no longer have reason to fear writing his name. For today I became Mrs M. Today I so proudly and ecstatically became Mrs William Moreaux.

Kate’s mouth gaped, her eyes as wide as saucers and the diary dropped to her lap. It was him . It had always been him . M had been William all along. She’d been wrong about everything . This incredible life Cora and William had built, the deep, inspiring love they’d shared, wasn’t built on sensibilities and logical choices; it was built on passion and chance and the bravery to take a leap out of the normal lanes and into the unknown, for what made them feel alive!

Kate’s heart thumped hard in her chest, and she stood up, feeling as though the rug had just been pulled from right underneath her. She began to pace tensely from one side of the room to the other, one hand on her hip, the other rubbing the back of her neck. This was a disaster. She couldn’t get her head around it. Her mind began to whirl. What did this mean for her ? Cora and William’s story had been the proof she’d been clinging to that she was doing the right thing marrying Lance. That tick boxes and practical compatibilities were the right tools to measure the best future. It had made sense, proof of an already logical argument. But now that proof was gone. It had never even existed. And more than that, what she knew now seemed to stack proof of the exact opposite . Now it seemed that Cora and William’s incredible life was built on blind faith and by ignoring all sensibilities entirely.

The enormity of the situation, of everything becoming the polar opposite of what she’d previously trusted in, suddenly overwhelmed her. She sat down feeling lightheaded and tried to calm her reeling thoughts, tried to think straight for just a moment. But then a sound in the hallway made her freeze and look up. It was Sam. He’d paused outside in the hallway. She held her breath and stared at the door, then his steps continued, and she heard the squeak of his door opening and shutting as he retired for the night.

She continued staring at the door for a few moments, her mind whirling in a chaotic tangled mess of contradictions. All the many waves of panic she’d felt about Lance and the wedding that she’d pushed down since he proposed now reared back up, all at once, no longer prepared to be ignored now that the logic she’d used to subdue them was gone. Every decision she’d made for the greater logical good, every internal scream she’d subdued with her silence, every doubt she thought she’d defeated with reason, all came flying back, hitting her in the gut with so much force she had to physically catch her breath.

They flew around and around in her core and her mind, growing faster and louder until they were one big roar of confusion, and suddenly something in Kate snapped. She mentally grabbed hold of the tornado of thoughts and threw them out of her mind with force, leaving just one lone whisper behind. The truth. The raw, unspoken truth that she’d never allowed herself to hear. The whispered truth that what she really wanted, what she needed , was to do something that was just for herself. Something that wasn’t designed around other people’s expectations or desires. Something she didn’t adapt to fit someone else’s happiness over her own. And as she finally set that desire free, Kate suddenly saw, with stark clarity, that she hadn’t made a choice in her life that was actually for herself in years. The realisation was simple but devastating, and she felt something inside her shift. She felt something awaken.

Slowly, and not entirely sure that she knew what she was doing, Kate walked across the room and opened the door, stepping out into the dark hallway. Light spilled out of her room, throwing just enough glow on Sam’s door for her to make out the grain of the wood. She touched her fingertips to it and felt her pulse quicken in both fear and excitement combined.

What am I doing? she asked herself in despair.

The angel on her shoulder beseeched her to turn back, but the devil rested a hand on the angel’s arm and shook her head.

Something for me , Kate told them calmly. Something entirely for me .