Somewhere New (Isle of Doughnut #1)

Chapter Sixteen

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

CALLUM

I ’d done something wrong.

It was the only explanation. Ever since I’d talked to Aster about the storm, he’d been strange.

I hadn’t noticed at first. Too relieved that the mass of lies had been stripped from my mind, for days I walked around in a daze. Everything seemed sharper. I walked from shelter to shelter as the snow melted, and felt like I was tracking across the island for the first time.

I still carried guilt, but it was muted. I wouldn’t ever stop feeling sorry I was alive while most of my family had died, but at least now I wasn’t dragging around the impossibly weighty belief that I’d been the cause of their untimely deaths.

I felt freed. The air was fresher, the sky bluer, all the sounds and scents of the island crisp and new.

This lightness distracted me from the disconnect between me and Aster, and we were both incredibly busy now winter had ended. Fourteen more goats gave birth and after I was done checking them, Tim waited at home. Aster spent his days darting between examination squares and his evenings petting Tim while typing furiously on his laptop.

I told myself Aster’s hugs were shorter because he had lots to be getting on with. I reasoned that we couldn’t watch so much TV because we arrived home later in the day and had too many responsibilities.

My logical explanations stuttered when I noticed Aster didn’t look me in the eye when we talked. He rarely sat on the sofa, settling himself each evening on the armchair instead. He didn’t lecture me in the mornings about carrying him to the bed every night.

I watched him one evening while pretending to read. He definitely was working, but I kept catching his gaze on me. He snapped a smile into place each time. It didn’t reach his eyes.

Something crucial about Aster had gone flat. I wasn’t sure why, but it started on the snow day. As I trekked across the island and spent lonely nights flicking through books, I came up with two possible theories.

Despite Aster’s kindness, something I’d disclosed had made him uncomfortable. Maybe it was my inability to judge when someone had the capability for murder. Maybe he worried about what the secret might be. Maybe he’d thought more about what I’d said and decided I was to blame.

That last option scared me. It almost made me hope my other theory for Aster’s strange behaviour was right.

The only other thing I’d done on the snow day that could affect Aster’s behaviour was waking up in bed with him. He’d said he was fine with it. Maybe that was true, but he was distancing himself so there would be no repeat performance. I’d been careful not to linger in his arms or touch him without invitation, but maybe I’d slipped up and revealed how much I wanted more. He was keeping himself self-contained until I got the message.

I watched Aster walk away from the cabin a week after the snow day, his scent lingering on my shirt from the most perfunctory of hugs, and I knew this couldn’t continue. Something I’d done had made him unhappy. I needed to make it right.

I left it until midday so he’d think I happened upon him, rather than I’d followed him across the mountains to force a conversation he seemed determined to avoid. When I came into view down river from where he sat with a posse of goats on a checked blanket, his face lit up. But then dimmed. The same reaction he’d had to all my arrivals since the snow day.

The goats scattered when I sat down, perhaps sensing I wouldn’t be as generous with any food tucked about my person. Only the friendly one lingered, settling in for a nap on the edge of the blanket.

‘I’ve done something wrong.’

Aster blinked at me for long seconds. ‘You know normal human beings start conversations with words like hello, then ease into the good stuff?’

I resisted the faint urge to tell him I wasn’t human. That would open up a wide avenue of conversations I was unwilling to participate in.

‘I’ve done something wrong,’ I repeated. ‘Since the snow day, you’ve been acting strange. I’m sorry I’ve done something that made you uncomfortable. I want to make it right.’

Shock melted from Aster’s face, replaced by a complicated mix I couldn’t interpret. ‘Nothing’s wrong, Cal.’

His heart skipped. He was lying.

Dad taught me that stating it outright when people lied wasn’t a good idea. They didn’t like it. Better to take a softer approach. Even when I categorically knew they weren’t telling the truth.

‘I think something is,’ I persisted. ‘Did anything I said about the storm upset you?’

I could definitely name the emotion flitting across Aster’s face now. Concern. ‘No. Not at all. We can talk about it more, if you want to?’

His heartbeat stayed steady. I shook my head. ‘No, I don’t need to.’

Aster spread his hands, looking at everything but me. ‘The offer is always there.’

‘Thank you.’ I balled my hands into fists and willed myself not to blush as I forged on. ‘I wonder if I made you uncomfortable by sleeping in the bed with you that night? I can promise it won’t happen again.’

Aster laughed, but not his normal involuntary snorts or delighted guffaws. This was sharp-edged. Bitter. ‘Oh, don’t worry. You’ve made that abundantly clear.’

I narrowed my eyes. Wasn’t that a good thing?

Aster sighed. ‘Stop beating yourself up and worrying you’ve done something to hurt me. You’re perfect.’ He bit his lip. ‘Nothing’s wrong. I’m just busy.’

Life would be a lot easier without advanced senses. Without them, I could have been comforted by Aster’s words. I wouldn’t know his last two statements were lies.

I glared at my crossed legs. Aster didn’t want to talk about whatever was making things strange between us. Maybe that was the problem.

I softened my brow as I looked up at him. Louisa once told me I had resting rage face, so I aimed for a gentle smile.

‘You know you can talk to me about anything that’s making you unhappy? I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel like you can’t.’

Aster stared, then let out an inarticulate cry of frustration. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead on them, his arms bracketing around his ears.

‘Why are you being so nice?’ His muffled voice found its way through. ‘Why are you always so fucking nice to me?’

‘Do you want me to back off? I can give you space.’ I tried not to let desperation leak into my voice. ‘I don’t like how things have been the last few days, Aster. I want to go back to how they were.’

Aster raised his head and looked up at the sky, his mouth pressed tight. I tried not to stare at the long line of his freckled neck. If my interest made him uncomfortable, then imagining how it would feel to press my lips to his skin wouldn’t make anything better.

‘In my defence, I thought this was what you wanted,’ Aster said.

‘I don’t want things to be strange between us.’ I tipped my head to the side when Aster bit his lip instead of replying. ‘You honestly can talk to me about anything.’

Aster made another low sound, then swung around to sit cross-legged. It was the first time in days he’d properly looked at me. I tried not to be dazzled by his sudden and unadulterated attention.

‘Okay, so you thought things have been weird the last few days, but it’s your fault if they get worse now you’re practically forcing me to tell you the truth.’

A bump in his heartbeat. He was exaggerating.

‘Things won’t get weirder. I promise.’ I turned to mirror his position on the blanket .

Another harsh laugh, but his eyes were lined with sadness. ‘Don’t make promises you can’t keep.’

I took his hand in mine, linking our thumbs as my fingers spread across the inside of his wrist. ‘Just tell me what it is, Aster.’

‘Fine. Fine, fine.’ A faint blush rose across Aster’s pale cheeks. His eyes darted to our linked hands. ‘The reason I’ve been trying to keep my distance is because I like you, okay?’

‘Oh.’ I couldn’t stop the soft exhalation.

Aster tore his hand from mine. ‘Yeah, I like you. But you don’t need to worry. I know you don’t like me back. That’s fine. More than fine. Peachy. But that’s the reason I kept away. I didn’t want you to feel weird because you had to share your space with someone harbouring romantical feelings for you. And you don’t have to feel weird. I have a handle on it. We can carry on as we were. No problem. No problem at all.’

Aster rambled himself into silence, his face bright red. I turned his words over. His heart hadn’t skipped when he said he liked me. The only time it stuttered was when he said he had a handle on his feelings.

‘I like you too.’ My smile was involuntary.

It fell when Aster dropped his face into his hands. ‘That causes a whole other problem.’