Somewhere New (Isle of Doughnut #1)

Chapter Thirty-Four

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

CALLUM

I t took me a while to identify what I felt the next day as I trekked across the island to check on the goats living on the other side of the loch. They were a determined lot, obsessed with the six-foot-high fences around the island’s dairy farm. Normally, my mind settled into a fragile sense of contentment while I worked. Since Aster came to the island, that contentment had felt stronger, robust. Even verging on happiness.

This feeling was different. Only when I sat down for lunch, watched by goats who had become far too familiar with a human sharing sandwiches with them, did I identify it.

Hope.

My mind hadn’t been filled with tasks to complete or working over memories of the night before. Not all of it. At times a flash of what it was like to be inside Aster almost brought me to my knees.

The main thing I’d been thinking about was the future.

A subject I generally avoided. Before Aster arrived, I had nothing to look forward to. The years flowed one into the next in familiar patterns, and my days would be spent alone until I lay down and closed my eyes for the last time. Once Aster interrupted the well-trodden paths of my life, I’d avoided the future even more strenuously. I didn’t want to fully face his leaving, so I focused on the present.

Today, I couldn’t keep my thoughts from turning to what might be.

Something changed last night. Aster and I hadn’t just had sex. It was something deeper. He knew every part of me. I knew every part of him. I’d never been seen in this way before, had never been so close to another person.

I didn’t want to let it go. Not without at least trying to keep it.

Aster had to leave—he had to return to London to finish his master’s—but I was going to ask him to come back here when he finished. I didn’t have much to offer, but I wanted him to know that the little I did have, I would give to him.

He would be able to find a job here. Maybe he could find funding to be some kind of flower ranger, a protector for them like I was for the goats. We could live in the mountains together. Or in the village. I could bear that, if I lived there with Aster. We could carry on my TV education, maybe graduate to films. The years would flow one into the next but each would be different. Special. I would hold the man I loved in my arms until we found our final rest.

My hope didn’t dampen when I walked back across the island in the late afternoon and nerves crept in. There was a chance Aster didn’t feel everything I did. He might not want to live on a remote island with me. But even the doubts couldn’t shake my resolve .

I loved Aster. I wanted to be with him forever. That was worth trying and hoping for.

I heard his voice long before the cabin came into view. I wasn’t sure who he was chatting to on the phone, but they were getting a detailed rundown of the final stages of his project. The subject matter didn’t narrow who it might be. Once someone got Aster talking about flowers, it was hard to stop him.

‘I’ve actually only got one week left of practical stuff. Then I’ll write everything up and maybe even relax during my final few days here. I know, that’s illegal. I’ll turn myself in.’

I smiled as I walked. I loved so many things about Aster. I wanted his animated chatter to be the soundtrack of the rest of my life.

‘Aster, that all sounds great.’ A low voice broke through Aster’s explanation. ‘But it’s not why I called.’

I hadn’t heard this person before. Aster’s Dad’s and Lucas’s voices were familiar, as was the warm way he spoke to them.

‘Oh, shit.’ Aster laughed. ‘The whole first half hour of this conversation has been a waste then.’

He didn’t sound too put out. He never really was. I shied away from the memory of his anger last night, but it had burned bright then dulled quickly. Aster wasn’t the type to hold a grudge.

‘I should have known better than to ask how you were doing. Your emails were detailed enough.’

This had to be Aster’s university tutor. I sped up, the intrusion of the outside world uncomfortable when all I wanted was to keep Aster here.

‘My emails are a joy to behold. Don’t pretend otherwise. ’

‘If you say so. Anyway, I called because I have job offers to discuss with you.’

‘Fuck,’ Aster snapped. ‘You can’t leave me. I have literally months left of my master’s. You must stay until I complete it.’

His tutor chuckled. ‘Good to know you’re supportive of my continued professional development, but these are job offers for you.’

‘Me?’ Aster sounded mystified. ‘But I haven’t applied for anything.’

‘You have friends in high places. One of them being me.’ Aster’s supervisor tapped at her keyboard. ‘I sent your provisional research to the doctoral team here, and they’ve offered you a space.’

‘Shut up,’ Aster gasped. My heart raced along with my footsteps.

‘In addition, they want you teaching a new undergraduate module about wild Scottish ecosystems.’

‘Shut your mouth,’ Aster whispered.

‘Finally, they want you to commit to writing a book, with a guaranteed teaching and research spot at the end of your studies.’

‘Fuck me.’ Aster’s voice filled with joy. ‘Where do I sign?’

I stopped walking. Stopped listening. My ears filled with the rushing beat of my heart as I fell to my knees just out of sight of the cabin.

I’d forgotten something key about myself, something that couldn’t change regardless of whether I was to blame for my family dying or if I found someone I loved; I was meant to be alone. In the whirlwind of Aster entering my life, I’d forgotten my natural state.

This job offer sliced through the fragile hope blooming inside me. My love for Aster didn’t matter; he was meant to go home. He sounded so damn happy. He would leave, and I would be alone, and everything would be as it should be.

I lowered my head to the ground, keening as tears trickled down my nose and onto the scrubby grass. Knowing this was how things had to be didn’t make it any less painful. My chest felt cracked open.

One day of hoping did this. I should have been more realistic, should have focused on the end date.

Things between Aster and I were always going to finish. He had to go home and live his life, while I would stay here and endure mine.

I lingered on that lonely hillside for a long time. My forehead pressed into the ground and I hugged tight around my torso to keep some of the pain inside.