Sorrow (Cape Frost #1)

30

As much as I hate to admit it, that took a lot out of me. The shallow cuts he left on my chest stung, but they didn’t hurt. Not like this. By the time Hayes reached the first R, I thought I was going to pass out, and by the O? I’m surprised I was still alive at all.

Someday, I’ll look back on this and kick the hell out of myself. I might as well have gotten his name tattooed across my shoulders for as permanent as it’ll be, and for what? To remind myself of the most complicated time of my life?

Or the man who made and broke me?

It’s clear my silence bothers him as he cleans me up and bandages my back. He keeps asking questions, making small talk. Staring down at me with pinched brows. Pulling me closer like a little more physical contact will do the trick.

I’m okay, it’s just... I’m not okay .

“Samara,” he whispers once we’re in bed. He’s pulled me between his legs so he can hold me from behind and kiss my wound whenever he pleases. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t feel good. Maybe because he can’t fully see my face. “How are you feeling?”

“Like some psycho just carved his name into my back,” I laugh quietly. “What are we doing here, Hayes?”

“Psycho, huh?” I can hear the smile in his voice. One thing I’ll say about knife play is it puts Hayes in this state of calm I’ve never seen him in before. I wasn’t sure if the first time was a fluke, but now that I feel his steady heartbeat against my back and the deep breaths he takes as he ghosts his fingers along my skin, I know there is no going back for him. Blood is his vice. “I don’t know how to answer that,” he admits. “All I do know is I’ve never felt closer to a person in my life.”

Yeah, I’m sure. He’s already admitted he’s never done this with anyone else.

Maybe I should just quit asking.

“I get that,” I say softly. “Just forget it, I’m too tired to talk about it anyway.”

His next question is mumbled, like he’s just as exhausted as I am. “What do you want to be doing here, Hurricane? ”

That’s more complicated than I’d like to admit. What I wanted before and what I want now don’t feel like the same things anymore. I still want to get out, sure — but I’m no longer content with my original plan. All those walls I built up, the facade I created, the lies I told so many times I actually started to believe them... they’re disappearing with every gentle stroke of his fingers and cut of his blade.

I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t want to be in some loveless, lustless relationship just to get by.

I want passion. I want fury. I want love.

And I think... I think I want it with him.

It feels ridiculous to think I’d want Hayes of all people, and yet, every interaction we have seems to break me down a little further. He’s the one I curl up next to when I’m sleepy, who I run to when I’m scared. He makes me feel things after years of being a frozen, cursed girl in a frozen, cursed town. The butterflies, the fear, the adrenaline, the arousal. It’s him. Maybe it’s always been him.

But though there have been signs that he wants more with me, I can’t forget the past completely. It would be just like the Hayes I thought I knew to lure me in, use me, and break my heart just to say he could. So until he says the words... I’ll keep mine to myself.

Thankfully, the giant is snoring quietly behind me already. I’m too offended by the realization that I’m falling for him to actually go to sleep, and now my mind is focusing on other things — the sting in my shoulder, the bruises he left on my hips, how dry my lips are. I can’t do anything about the first two, but he has to have chapstick around here somewhere. No way his lips are as smooth as they are without it.

Uncurling myself from his grasp, I sneak out of bed and rifle through his bathroom. I find just about everything but chapstick in there, which amuses me as much as it pisses me off. If I ever need calamine lotion, foot powder, an industrial size box of Band-Aids I’ve never seen him use, or exfoliating scrub, I know where to go. But if he’s got chapstick at all, it’s hidden somewhere else.

Curiosity gets the better of me. Sneaking over to his side of the bed, I switch my phone’s flashlight on and slowly open the drawer to his nightstand. I find the bottle of lube he uses when he fucks me in the ass, some spare bullets for his gun, a stack of cash I’m sure I’m not supposed to be looking at... and something so familiar it makes my chest ache.

Rocky.

He’s still covered in soot from the fire, but I’d recognize his not-quite circular shape and speckled colors anywhere.

Turns out the reason I couldn’t find him in the rubble is because someone else already did.

Dropping to the floor in a heap, I stare at the stupid pet rock that meant so much to me and barely hold myself together. Tears fill my eyes and sting my nose as I clutch him to my chest, and then the worst thing imaginable happens.

I hear Hayes sit up behind me.

“Samara,” he croaks, one eye still closed as he takes me in, and I see the moment he truly wakes when they both snap open. “You’re crying.”

Oh, fucking hell. He wasn’t supposed to see this.

I nearly throw the damn thing at him.

“Why’d you take him?” I ask, louder than I meant to. “Why?”

He flinches like I struck him. “I don’t know.” For once there’s no filter between us, just two exhausted people being laid bare before each other. “I guess I didn’t want you to be without him forever... but I wanted to see how you’d fare thinking you didn’t have him anymore.” Hayes glances down at my hands before he finishes. “Maybe you’d lean on me instead.”

Maybe I’m too tired for this, too emotional. Did that motherfucker just say he was jealous of a rock? A rock. A fucking rock.

My head swims as I rub my eyes. “Try again. I might believe you if it happened yesterday, but that fire was weeks ago. The night you were ready to leave me out in the cold because you hated me so much. Did you take him so I wouldn’t find him?”

“I never hated you, Samara. I was just holding onto the stupid thing for a while, and then we got closer and you didn’t need anything but what I provided — I don’t fucking understand this shit, okay?” Hayes runs his hand through his hair, thoroughly fucking it up so it matches how we’re both feeling inside. Ruined. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Bullshit,” I snap, scrambling to my feet. Being on the ground down below him makes me feel too vulnerable. “You know exactly what you’re doing, you’re just too much of a coward to admit it. ”

Frowning, he stares up at me like he’s not getting it, but deep down we both know he does. “What do you want me to fucking say? That I’m falling for you?”

“If that’s the truth, then yes!” I yell, gripping Rocky so tightly, my hand cramps. “But don’t you dare say it if it’s not true, Hayes. I’ll keep fucking you for money if that’s all this is, that’s fine. I just... I can’t handle all the mixed fucking signals.”

His heavy breathing is all I hear for a moment, the steady rise and fall of his chest all I see as he slowly deflates before me, and then finally holds out a hand. “Come here.” He pauses to meet my gaze. “Please.”

My nerves feel like they’re on fire as I force my feet to move closer, closer until I’m so close to him, I can feel his heavy breaths on my face. “Say it. Say the words.”

Swallowing thickly, Hayes leans his forehead against mine and takes a breath. “I never imagined I’d be your hero and I was fine with that. I was fine living in your shadows and ensuring you had thick enough skin to survive this world. I thought I’d be okay when you found the man that was meant to be your hero — the one who would treat you how you deserve — because I showed you how shitty guys are and made you refuse to settle for anything less. I didn’t realize me holding you at arms’ length would only make me dig my fingers into your skin to keep you close, regardless of whether or not you hated me. I don’t know when things changed from protectiveness to obsession. All I know is somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing you as Boo’s little sister and began seeing you as the woman you are. And all that has done is make me crave you more. I don’t want anyone else to be your hero, Samara. I want it to be me.”

Fuck. If I ever stop shaking, it’ll be a miracle. But this feels right. It feels like the truth, after years of misdirection and lies. It feels like clarity.

“I never needed a hero, Hayes. And I never needed someone to toughen me up, this town did that well enough. I needed someone to be gentle. To be kind. To show me there was more to life than doing whatever you had to in order to survive. That this world could still be soft, even when all it ever showed me was jagged edges and razor sharp corners. Do you understand?”

To my surprise, he nods. “Do you believe I can ever be that for you?”

Before my life turned upside down, I’d have said no. Laughed in his face, actually. Flipped him off with both hands and walked away, never to look back. The Hayes I grew up with was sorrow personified. But when I really force myself to think about it, the only true moments of peace I’ve known in years have been with him.

“Yes,” I answer quietly. “I do.”

“You’re already everything I’ve ever needed... I want to be that for you too. Don’t let me off the hook if I fail you for even a moment.”

If nothing else, he’s woken up the side of me that isn’t afraid to be loud. I won’t let him fail me, because I’ll never fail myself again. I’m not sure where this leaves me and my plans to get out of Cape Frost forever, but what I do know... is that I’m finally ready to see what happens next instead of trying to dictate it.

“Alright then, Sarro. I guess we’re doing this for real then.” Leaning up, I cup his cheek with my hand and kiss him softly. “Let’s see if we can break this curse once and for all.”