SOS HOTEL: Ho, Ho, No

Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

“Holy Saint Nick! What the fuck happened here?” Zee skidded to a stop on the broken bits of Christmas tree and shattered lights. “Kitten?! Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine.” From my sitting position on the floor, I ruffled glitter from my hair, popped my red Christmas hat back on with its jingly bell, and held out the knife for Zee.

He took it and eyed me sideways, checking for telltale cuts and scrapes. “After you vanished, we figured you’d end up here. Looks as though we missed the party.”

Victor surveyed the broken gnomes, twisted winter tunnel, toppled forest, collapsed gingerbread grotto, and me sitting in the middle of it all, mostly untouched. “It appears you have taken care of Santa?”

I pursed my lips, planted my hands on my hips, and took a fresh look at the carnage. “It was like this when I got here.”

“Hm, was it?” Victor gripped my shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze, then swiped his thumb at something on my cheek. “Just a little blood.”

“Oh.” I brushed a hand across my cheek. “How’d that get there?”

“Wait.” Zee spun in a circle until facing me again. He blinked and whispered, “Did you eat Santa?”

“What? Me?” I gave a half-hearted snort. “That would be silly.”

He straightened, but his lips tucked sideways into his cheek. “Right. Sure.”

“And if I had—which I’m not saying I did—it would have been an accident.”

Victor coughed a laugh. “Excuse me, a little dust in my throat.”

Zee poked half a gnome, toeing it over, and grimaced at the hole where its face had been. “Hey, so, this has been fun and will be giving me gnomemares for the rest of my fabulous life, but now that it’s over, what do we do?”

“Wait until the store reopens,” Victor replied. “And make sure our stories are aligned for the inevitable arrival of the authorities.”

“Ugh.” Zee huffed, then perked up as a new thought brightened his eyes. “I know a place full of bright, fluffy cushions that has room enough for three.”

That sounded like the best way to pass the rest of the night. We both turned toward Victor, hoping he might agree. “I’ll watch for threats,” he said. “Should any remain.”

“Right.” Zee rolled his eyes. “You can watch , Daddy Vampire. Adam?” Zee offered his hand, and when I took it, he reeled me against his side. “Lovin’ your hat.” He flicked its tinkling bell.

“Aw, thank you.”

“Victor wishes he had one just like it. Don’t you, Fancy Fangs?”

“No.”

“Pfft, whatever. Keep it on, Adam. Imma make that little bell ring when we get back to my nest.” He waggled his eyebrows and I chuckled back. “So, how’d you lure Santa from his grotto to gobble him up like the cute little murder-weirdo you are?” Zee booped my nose.

I grinned back. “Oh, you know... maybe took some hints from your playbook?”

“Wait, you did a striptease ?!” he squeaked.

“Not really, but kinda?”

“Gah.” He clutched his heart. “I fuckin’ missed it.”

“Honestly, it was impressive.”

“ If you’d done it,” Victor said, following along behind.

“Right. If I’d done that, which I didn’t.”

“Right,” Zee laughed. “Because you’re such a good boy, Adam Vex.”

I smiled, like I really was a good boy. Good enough for Santa, anyway.

Zee, Victor, and I had stood under the store’s entrance canopy in the early morning hours as the multiple black-bagged bodies were wheeled out. The police sirens and flashing lights were a little disconcerting, but there was one person whose face was potentially more unnerving than all that—Agent Leomaris.

Leomaris’s arrival was inevitable. We watched their tall frame topped by glossy green hair weave through the EMTs and police cordon, and duck under the crime-scene tape.

They didn’t smile, just regarded us with that cool, professional expression of mild disdain, and withdrew an electronic tablet from inside their long coat. “You three,” they said, as a greeting.

“Us again.” I beamed, then winced. I’d maybe read the room wrong. “We were shopping and got stuck inside, and wow, some crazy stuff happened which was nothing to do with us.”

“Nothing,” Zee echoed. “We spent most the night in the cafeteria. They sell great donuts. You should try ’em, unless you don’t like donuts since you’re probably on a strict fae diet. That’s how you get such great hair, amiright? Your coat is the best. Family heirloom, or did you get it from Amazon? Do they give all SSD agents awesome coats? It’s a shame dusters went out of fashion, right? Have you tried a cloak? Fuck, you’d look the rizz in a cloak.”

The SSD agent waited a beat. “Are you done?”

Zee pinched his lips and wings together. “Yup.”

Leomaris’s keen gaze skipped over me to Victor. “Lord Reynard, I suppose your version of events runs something similar to Zodiac’s?”

“Indeed. But more concise, and without the fashion critique.”

“Of course.”

We were going to get arrested, I could tell. Victor would have to summon a vampire lawyer, which would get him into all sorts of trouble with his fanged family, and one problem would spiral into another, Daisy would get involved, there would be fingers on cushions! Ugh.

“We really didn’t do anything,” I said. “We’re innocent bystanders in all this.” If I could appeal to their softer side—if they had one—we might get away with a warning?

A coroner wheeled a gurney and bagged body toward their waiting van.

Yikes. “We just wanted baubles.”

“I came for dick.”

“He means the phallic cactus,” Victor said, then gestured at the tiny cactus in the woefully half-empty shopping basket next to us.

Leomaris’s eyebrows lifted. They studied us one at a time, then slotted the tablet back inside their coat and lifted their chin. “I have read the statements you gave to my colleague. Your version of events is highly improbable and rather fantastical, not to mention the inaccuracies. Two claim to have been attacked by gnomes, but one of you says it was... children?”

A growl simmered from Victor. “Demon, there were no children.”

“We don’t know that for certain,” Zee explained. “Human spawn are vicious and they’re the same size as gnomes.”

I was pretty sure we did know that. “Zee, it was just gnomes.” And a reindeer. But as Leomaris hadn’t mentioned it, I wasn’t going to either. Hopefully it was off living its best reindeer life and not murdering innocent people.

Zee ruffled his wings. “Whatever. I have fuckin’ trauma, okay? I just want to go home with my spiky dick, order a Tom Collins special, and forget this night ever happened.”

“Stop!” Leomaris snapped, then rubbed the bridge of their nose. “Thankfully—or not, depending on your perspective—there was CCTV footage of the night’s improbable and alarming events.”

“Footage?” I squeaked, while my heart fell through the ground.

“There were cameras?” Victor asked, his voice just a little bit higher than normal.

Zee grinned. “Can we watch?”

“No. I have watched the entire event from multiple angles and it is not something I’d wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy.” Leomaris’s penetrating gaze drilled into me.

Oh mercy, the striptease to “Santa Baby.” I gazed back, slowly dying inside... And the eating Santa part, which I’m not saying I did, but could have... Maybe there hadn’t been cameras right there ...? And the improvised rough sex in the cafeteria... Had they seen that ? They couldn’t have, or we would surely have been arrested and tossed in the back of a police van.

“That frog plushie was like that when I got there,” Zee said, feet shuffling.

Leomaris closed their eyes, took a breath, and slowly sighed it out. “You are free to go.”

We looked at each other, unsure if Leomaris was joking, since they must have seen enough to at least charge us with criminal damage.

“Oh-kay. We’ll just . . . leave then?” Zee asked.

“Yes. Go,” Leomaris said so sharply their face got all mean. “I do not want to see you anywhere near this store again. Ever.”

“Okay, sure. Uh-huh. Adam?” Zee beckoned. “Fancy Fangs, don’t forget my spiky dick.”

Victor grabbed the yellow basket on wheels and headed for the Love Wagon , parked nearby in the lot. The basket rumbled along the asphalt, ensuring everyone turned to watch him leave.

“Uhm, thank you?” I told Leomaris.

The agent nodded tightly. “Thank you , Mr. Vex, for saving Christmas.”

“Oh, uh... We didn’t... I didn’t really do that... We just sort of happened to be nearby and some things happened while we were here?—”

“Take the win and go. Now.” Their lips ticked and a sparkle of knowing made their eyes shine. “Before I change my mind.”

“Yup, okay. Uhm, bye?” I scooted off after Victor and only glanced back when we made it to the minivan. Leomaris was watching us without blinking. They’d let us leave for now, but they’d also seen things they shouldn’t have.

Would they use it against us later?

“I think we got away with it,” Zee said once we were all in the van. He started the engine and grinned at me beside him, then at Victor in the back.

“Perhaps.” Victor handed Zee his cactus.

With a broad grin and a hand-flourish Zee propped the cactus on the dash. “Worth it.”

It was a cute little cactus. Probably not worth almost dying for though.

Zee flicked the bell on my hat, then rammed the van into gear. “Happy holidays, Kitten.”

“Indeed,” Victor agreed from the back seat.

My smile grew. We may not have had the most peaceful of Christmases, but I did get to spend it with my two most favorite people, and we were all still alive. Like Agent Leomaris had said, we should definitely take the win.

And Santa wouldn’t be eating any more people, ever.

There was only room for one apex predator at the top of this tree.

And that was me.

“Ho, ho, ho.”

The End