Stars May Fall (Stars May Burn #2)

7. Kasten

KASTEN

S ophie’s hair spilled over her pillow like flowing moonlight, carrying the faint scents of rose water and damp earth. Her face was relaxed in sleep, the scab on her lip now gone, and only a pink tightening of the skin remained. Her cheeks were becoming full again, and she breathed more easily than before.

I’d intended to leave as soon as she had fallen asleep, but I couldn’t help lingering as I drank in every inch of her from where I sat in the chair, a book on my lap that I had been pretending to read. She should be dead. I would never take for granted that she now lived. And not only that, but her memories and personality seemed to have all been restored. None had been lost in the transfer back of her vitality. It was a miracle.

I reminded myself that she would sleep better without me disturbing her and stood to retreat to my chair on the other side of our bedroom door.

We’d been back in Kasomere for four days, and I still hated every moment I wasn’t right next to her, touching her. But she needed extra sleep so her brain could recover from her ordeal. I had never needed much sleep.

I closed the door to our bedroom softly, not wanting to wake Sophie, and was startled to find Callum sitting in the corridor. He had dragged a second seat up from the third floor and was slumped in his normal threadbare armchair, taking up most of the space of the passageway.

It was rare for anyone to come to the fourth floor. Callum must have been feeling ignored by me. In the last four days, I’d spent every waking moment with Sophie.

I was half annoyed, half grateful that he had guessed I would want to stay near Sophie and not go down to our drinking room even while she slept. The last few nights I had lain beside her, watching her sleep until I was tired enough to sleep too. I knew my shifting movements disturbed her rest, but, even having the door closed between us raised my anxiety. I needed to manage this fear before it became too much of a weakness and I smothered her. Just because I couldn’t see her didn’t mean I was going to lose her again.

I sat down in the spare seat and didn’t say anything. Callum handed me a large glass of red wine. “How are you finding it?”

“What?” I growled, taking a sip of my wine.

“I don’t know, maybe the fact you have an infinite amount of power at your fingertips, humming through your body every second? You don’t feel like you’re about to cause the castle to explode?”

I scoffed. “No. I’ve gotten used to it. I’m…ignoring it.” As if in response, the power throbbed within me, reminding me of its strength. Its potential. It was tempting to draw on it a little, but I resisted, just as I resisted drawing constantly on my reserves to banish any shred of tiredness. Still, I…liked having the potential for power there. It was a comfort in a strange, terrifying way.

Callum raised his eyebrows. “Truly?”

I tilted my head toward him. “Callum, if there is one thing in this life I’ve had plenty of practice at, it’s holding back.”

He nodded slowly, the corners of his mouth pushing down appreciatively. “That’s impressive, Kasten.” He narrowed his eyes. “Because, even if you were just drawing on it a little bit every day you could…”

I waved his concern from the air. “I know, I know, it could be a slippery slope with no end. I’m not using it at all, so don’t worry.”

He sat back and his posture was more relaxed but I could tell there was a lot on his mind. No doubt I was about to hear it. At last, he tapped a neatly bound report on his lap. Its cover was blank, the title area unmarked. “It’s Sir Egbert’s report on the fall of Whitehill. Do you wish to read it?”

I looked away from him. “I asked you to take care of everything for a few weeks. I need a break to just concentrate on Sophie.”

Callum shrugged. “And I am. Kasomere has never been run so well, if I may say so myself. But you were the one who asked for this report. Do you…want it now?”

I didn’t even look at it but took a deep gulp of wine. It seemed like a lifetime ago that I had been so desperate to know whether the king had ordered the majority of the soldiers to leave Whitehall with the aim of letting it fall to the enemy. If so, he was responsible for the deaths of hundreds—all to set a death trap for me. “No. I don’t want to think about the king. I don’t want to think about anything but Sophie. She almost died, Callum. I need a break from my duties. We’ve never had the time to spend together, so now I’m making it happen.” I sighed and rubbed my forehead. I shouldn’t be so irritable with him. “Thank you for taking on so much extra work. I know the last few weeks have hardly been easy for you either.”

Callum raised an eyebrow. “Did you just thank me? Out loud? I’ll have to write down the quote and hang it above my bed for proof.” He scoffed and patted the report, nudging it a little in my direction. “Just let me know when you want it. I know you wanted to know what your father did.”

I frowned, staring at my wine glass as I swirled the liquid around. “I did. Now? I’m not so sure.”

Callum rested his chin in his hand as if he expected this answer. “Really? That’s a big change.”

Is this what he was here to talk to me about? I wanted to shut it all away.

“Callum…”

“You really don’t care what your father did in order to try to kill you? You really don’t care how many of his own people he has killed? How far he would weaken our defense against Kollenstar? Do you even care if he was involved with the halfsouls?”

I clenched my hands into fists. I didn’t want to debate right now. “I won’t endanger Sophie’s life again. Especially not for something as petty as revenge.”

Callum leaned back in his seat. “I’m not talking about revenge.”

I scowled at him, increasingly annoyed, but kept my voice low to not disturb Sophie. “Why are you bringing this up, Callum? Why now?” I flung up a hand. “Before you warned me about even doing this report, saying it might be better I didn’t know. Now you’re saying the opposite.”

Callum rubbed his chin with a half-apologetic look. “I know you want to pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist, but you’re going to have to decide soon, Kasten. You need to tell Sophie so you both can decide what you’re going to do. The king won’t leave you alone. He never has. Once the power of the starstone becomes common knowledge, things will be much, much worse. You both need to take time to think about this. It can’t just be a snap decision when the summons or order comes.”

I winced. “I don’t want anything to do with them. I’ve had it with their games. I’m no longer willing to die at their hands or to risk losing Sophie. I don’t care how evil or vile their activities are. We will stay at Kasomere and shut them all out.”

Callum nodded slowly, his expression blank. “But where will that lead, Kasten? The king won’t just leave you alone if you refuse his orders.”

I shrugged. “He can try all he wants but he won’t be able to reach me here. Not now that I have the power from the starstone. He could send his whole army here, and I’d be able to resist them.”

Callum frowned and gentled his voice. “You’re willing to have Fenland’s army attack us? You would kill soldiers you’ve fought alongside? It would have to be a good number for them to retreat.”

I nodded, refusing to feel the weight of his words. “I will kill whoever threatens us until they learn to leave us alone.”

Callum pressed his lips together and gave an exaggerated nod as if theatrically considering my words. “Ah, I see. So you will become an independent city state, refuse the authority of the king, wipe out half his army when he challenges you, leave them to then be destroyed in their war against Kollenstar. And then, when Kollenstar comes to attack, you will single-handedly defend us against the tides of soulless too? Even if we’re surrounded because Fenland has fallen?”

I narrowed my eyes and leaned my elbows on my knees. “Callum, I will kill anyone who threatens us, whether it’s the king, Kollenstar, Cerith, Nibawae, or the entire world. It doesn’t matter. You know I have the power to do it. With our troops, devices, and the starstone, and with no foreign war to distract us, we will be invincible here. I will tell them to leave me alone. If they choose to try and take Kasomere to get the power of the starstone for themselves, they’ve made their own decision and will pay for it. I won’t be responsible for that.”

Callum lifted an eyebrow. “That still sounds like a lifetime of war to me.”

I scowled and took a gulp of wine. “They will eventually learn to leave us alone. Until then—well, as the king said—I’m good at killing things.” I grimaced.

“And Sophie? Do you think she will feel the same? And what about any children you might have? We don’t know how to pass the power of the starstone to them. Do you want them to take over a city surrounded by enemies with no easy way to defend it? Will they have enough food and resources for everyone inside our walls?”

I gritted my teeth. This was becoming too hypothetical. We probably couldn’t even have children. This would carry a high cost, but I would not repeat the mistakes of the past, which led to Sophie almost being killed. “I’ll protect my wife, my home and my people. That is it. This place will be a sanctuary, and nobody will touch us again.”

Callum sighed and leaned back in his chair. He drummed his fingers on the armrest before breaking the heavy mood by lifting an eyebrow with a slight smirk. “And what about me?”

I looked at him with a long-suffering expression. “What about you?”

“You go on about burning cities when Sophie gets injured and defending your people against every threat even to the doom of the world, et cetera, et cetera. Where do I come into this? I’m technically not one of your people.”

I sighed and looked away, glad he had stopped his previous line of questioning. “You too.”

Callum leaned forward, raising one eyebrow. “Me too, what?”

I sighed and looked back at his eager expression. He exaggerated a grin. I reached over and patted his head like a dog. “If somebody kills or injures you, I’ll burn down everything for you too.”

Callum settled back in his chair, wiggling his shoulders in satisfaction. “You know, that is by far the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me.”

I raised an eyebrow and said nothing.

Silence settled over us, but my mood was darker than before. Why did I always have to make unpleasant decisions that affected thousands of people?

Callum fidgeted. “I just wanted you to think about it, Kasten. You’ll want to discuss it with Sophie. It will affect everything.”

I tensed. “I’m not bringing this up with her yet. She has had so little happiness in her life. She almost died. I’ve already had to tell her about her half sister. I want her to have at least a few weeks where she can simply be content.”

Callum tilted his head toward me. “You really think the king is going to give you a few weeks?”

“She needs rest.” A sudden surge of protectiveness made me stand up, suddenly restless. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Sophie, Callum. Nothing.”

He stared into space and took a sip of his wine before pursing his lips and tapping his glass with one finger. “You know, Kasten, have you ever wondered why you were so attracted to Sophie right from the very beginning? And why you’d do anything not to lose her?”

I narrowed my eyes and folded my arms, cautious about where this was going again. Surely it was obvious that I simply loved her.

Callum kept staring away from me. “I think it’s because she’s so good despite everything that has happened to her. You crave her innocence. I wonder if you’re scared of who you are without her. You see her as the north star that stays your course. She is the one reason that you can look at yourself in the mirror.”

I frowned, wishing Callum would talk a little simpler. I paced a few steps. “What’s your point?”

He sighed, took another sip, and finally looked up at me. “What I mean is that if you believe she’s what keeps you good, Kasten, wouldn’t it be a shame if you fought so hard to keep her that you lost that goodness in the process? If in your endeavor to become good for her, you only became more of a monster? And so, you still lose Sophie after all?”

I shook my head slowly, my insides turning cold. “I’m not losing Sophie again. That’s why we’re staying here where it’s safe and shutting our enemies out.”

Callum pinched his forehead and sighed. “Just think about the sort of husband Sophie deserves, Kasten. Think of the things she loves about you. She brings out the best in you, and you her. That’s one of the reasons why you love her. What I’m trying to say is, don’t let her bring out the worst in you now when you’ve come so far. Don’t make her the source of unhappiness for thousands. The source of death for thousands. She would never forgive herself. In protecting her, you could destroy her.”

I stepped toward him, suddenly angry. “The world is not my responsibility, Callum. Kasomere is. Sophie is. You can’t hold me accountable for all the evil that happens out there.”

His face grew sorrowful. “I don’t, Kasten. I don’t blame you for anything, and I agree it’s not your fight. I just want you to think before you do something you regret.” He spread out his hands. “There’s no right or wrong answer. But that power inside of you, it's terrifying. And sometimes we trap ourselves merely by taking little steps.”

I clenched my fists. “If the king orders me to give up the starstone on pain of death, he won’t understand that his request is impossible. I won’t have a choice but to cut us off, Callum. I won’t have a choice in hundreds of scenarios that might happen.”

He looked away and drained his wine. “I know, Kasten. I know. And I will stand beside you no matter what. Because, I don’t think it’s just Sophie that makes you a good person.”

His words hung in the air as I slumped back down into my seat and we silently stared into the gloom. How could he still believe that? If Sophie had died, I would have destroyed Lord Lyrason, the king, and probably half of Adenburg in the process, not caring about the power vacuum I would leave behind.

Sophie was the only goodness in me because my parents had made me a monster. And I would cling to her.