Stars May Fall (Stars May Burn #2)

40. Sophie

SOPHIE

I t was our first night back in Kasomere, and I slept in my original room on the second floor rather than Kasten’s at the top of the castle. Right now, I needed space.

I sat up in bed and stared at the blood stain on the sheets, highlighted in the morning light. I felt…numb. Horrible, cold numbness that froze me until I couldn’t move.

My bleed had never come at regularly monthly intervals, even before I’d taken the tonic. And now the shock of seeing bright scarlet on pristine white, made me feel broken.

Beatrice and Lucy had come to check on me when I didn’t ring the bell, and now they hovered awkwardly with fresh sheets in their arms, waiting for me to move.

After innumerable uncertain shared glances between them, Lucy put down the sheets and took a small step forward. “Should I get Physician Harris, my lady?”

I shook my head and finally found the will to speak. “No, I’m well. I’m fine. Thank you.”

I walked to my bath, and Beatrice took my robe. I eased myself into the warm water, the cramps in my stomach already starting. My reaction was ridiculous. Of course I wouldn’t have become pregnant after sleeping with Kasten once at a random point of my cycle. It was unlikely I could even have children. But I hadn’t realized that deep down I’d desperately hoped I was pregnant until I’d seen the blood. I was stupid and foolish. And it was selfish of me since I didn’t even know if I could be a good mother. Right now, I wasn’t even being a good wife.

I held my breath and plunged my head under the water, shutting out the world. But it didn’t drown out the thoughts in my head.

What was wrong with me? Everything was fine. Better than ever in fact.

After I was dressed, Kasten knocked on my door and offered me his arm. “I have something to show you, Sophie. Forgive my impatience, but you wouldn’t have been able to see it last night when we arrived in the dark, and now I want to be there when you notice it.”

I swallowed down my emotions until they were safe beneath my smooth mask. I gave him a smile, but I could see he wasn’t convinced by it. Instead, concern grew behind his gaze. He covered it quickly by patting my hands and leading me down the stairs to the back of the castle.

I attempted to be curious, but my mind kept circling back to the emotions I was fighting and not winning. After everything I had been through with my family and Frederick, maybe it was naive to believe I could be whole enough, worthy enough to have a successful marriage. I was treading on eggshells.

My emotions were simply incorrect for the situation. I should be overjoyed that we had defeated our enemies, that Kasten was well and healthy despite losing his vitality. I should be longing to fall asleep every night in his arms and teasing stolen kisses from him in the day.

What was wrong with me?

Kasten threw open the conservatory doors. In the garden was a huge greenhouse. It was beautiful, formed of scrolling silver metal and sparkling glass. Inside, the walls were already crowded with plants. I could grow so many new species in there.

But I felt nothing. None of the joy that had come from his gift of the bog.

I forced my widest smile. “Oh, Kasten, it’s beautiful.”

He didn’t seem convinced by my reaction. When had he gained the ability to see straight through every one of my expressions to what lay beneath?

Kasten handed me a cloak to ward against the early winter wind and walked with me toward the greenhouse in silence. He pushed open a door, and I was surprised by the warmth and humidity within. It had to be some sort of clever kryalcomy. Giant blue and green butterflies fluttered around with lazy flaps of their wings. Through the center, a stream cascaded down several small waterfalls to a pond filled with lazy fish.

It was perfection. It was an overwhelming expression of love from Kasten. Yet I remained numb.

He patted my arm. “It’s a retreat for you, Sophie. A quiet place you can go to when you need it, as well as the chance to grow different plants. I hear there are many rare medicinal plants that thrive in this climate.”

“Thank you,” I repeated. I hated myself that I wasn’t giving him more.

Kasten looked around like he always did when he was searching for the right thing to say and worrying that whatever he chose would be wrong. I swallowed down my rising guilt.

“Sophie, you know you can talk to me about anything at all. You can shout at me if I’ve upset you. You can cry on me if you need to be vulnerable. Anything.”

I nodded, squeezing his hand to show I appreciated the offer.

He reached out and tapped a giant leaf, causing a flurry of colorful butterfly wings. “You know when we argued after I killed Gregane? You told me to stop committing monstrous acts.”

“I’m sorry.” I winced and opened my mouth to correct what I’d said, but he continued.

“I almost committed a larger one—I almost didn’t wake my mother. I was scared that without the vitality I was used to, I wouldn’t be able to protect you. I was in half a mind to march to Kollenstar then and there and use the starstone to destroy their armies so nobody would ever destroy your peace again.” He swallowed, and I held my breath at his confession. “But I didn’t, because I didn’t want to be a monster. I wanted to believe what you and Callum said, that I could be a good person even when I was apart from you, even if it meant putting you at greater risk. So I didn’t. I refused to do what was wrong despite the fact it put you in more danger. And I hoped that would make me a better husband. I listened to your fears. I’m sorry that I spoke as if I blamed my faults on you. I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that at all. You helped me see that I could do better.”

“Oh, Kasten.” I lifted his hands to my lips and kissed them before resting my cheek on them. Guilt and shame tugged on my words, making them hard to shape. “Kasten, you’re a wonderful husband.” I gestured to the greenhouse to prove my point. It only seemed to highlight how little I deserved it. I couldn’t even be truly grateful. “You were never, ever a monster.”

He rested his forehead against mine, mingling our breaths together. “But I’m worried about you. Tell me what to do, Sophie. Tell me what you need. Do you need time and space and rest? Or do you need…me?”

The pain in his words was almost overwhelming. How could I be doing this to him? “I don’t know, Kasten.” The words seemed cruel in their honesty. “I don’t know.”

We stood in silence for a while, listening to the bubbling water. Kasten pulled in a long breath. “You know, Sophie, that I learned another lesson a while back. It might not seem like it, but sharing what makes you vulnerable is a form of strength.”

I hugged myself, increasingly uncomfortable. Suddenly the words spilled out without thought. “Kasten, I’m not pregnant.”

He blinked at me, completely taken aback, and then he looked around himself in confusion. “Did…did you think you were?”

I shook my head. “No. I knew it was unlikely. But still, I’m not.”

“Oh. Well…” he seemed to be desperately trying to work out the right thing to say.

I looked down. “I know. I know, I probably can’t even get pregnant.” I probably sounded like such a fool.

Kasten licked his lips, concern heavy in his eyes, and then pulled me into his arms, tucking my head under his chin. For a moment he simply held me, and it helped far better than anything he could have said. I sank into the soft fabric of his jacket and willed my tears to stay hidden. At last, he stepped back and lowered his face to mine. “You know that I love you? Whether you can have children or not, you’re still perfect to me. You’re enough. More than enough.” The intensity of his gaze showed he meant every word.

I clutched his hands as a tremble ran up my throat. I wiped my eyes on my shoulder. I didn’t deserve this man. I didn’t deserve him at all. “I love you too, Kasten. I know I’ve been distant, but I do. I really, really do.”

He squeezed my hands. “I know. It’s all right.”

Silence filled the air between us once again and the peace of the greenhouse started to soak through my skin. It really was a generous gift.

Kasten took a lock of hair from my shoulder and ran it between his fingers, studying the way it shone. “I saw the ballroom. Lucy said you had asked for it to be renovated while we were away.”

I blinked. I’d completely forgotten about that. I had done it to help Kasten, but he didn’t seem to need it now. Well, maybe I could use it to distract myself from the negative cycle of my emotions. “Do you mind if I organize a ball here in Kasomere?”

His face went slack with relief. “That sounds like an excellent idea.”

And once again, I had purpose. I straightened a little. “When I take risks and put myself in situations where I am not comfortable, it helps me feel strong and capable.”

He smiled. “Well, this sounds like a risk I can fully get behind—as long as no halfsouls are involved.”

The thought of halfsouls dancing at a ball made my lips curve of their own accord.