Stars May Fall (Stars May Burn #2)

42. Sophie

SOPHIE

I t had been three weeks since Kasten had given me my greenhouse, and I still went there every day. My mood was slowly improving as I busied myself with preparing the ball and developing new cures from my plants. Callum and I had made exciting advances with stabilizing felixleaf so it didn’t have to be prepared freshly beside the patient.

Kasten and I spent plenty of pleasant time in each other's company, but I was still sleeping in my old bedroom. It helped keep my fears at bay. There was no ‘if’ I was going to have my period, only ‘when’, and that made things easier. Not that there probably ever could be an ‘if’.

I wondered if this would be the new normal of our marriage, and if I would ever be able to escape this lingering shadow created by my father’s tonics to restore it back to where we had once been. I couldn’t look at Kasten without feeling guilty that I couldn’t be more for him, even though he’d said I was enough. I was damaging the most precious thing I had, and I couldn’t help it.

I entered the greenhouse for a break from the business of the castle, the wall of humid warmth and the music of trickling water instantly making me relax. There were even small exotic birds within that glimmered like jewels when you spotted them flitting between the plants.

I was so, so grateful to Kasten for this place, even if I hadn’t been very good at showing it. It was the most perfect place in the world. But it still highlighted how much more worthy of love Kasten was compared to me.

I rounded the dense tropical flowers, Lucy and Beatrice following a few steps behind, to a quiet corner where we had buried Meena. I came to talk to her every morning. I didn’t want her to be lonely here. She had attended me; now I would attend her.

I was surprised to see Kasten’s mother in her wicker wheelchair, looking at the mound of carved stones we had erected as a memorial. Meena’s curved blade and freisk knife were mounted on an iron stand at the top.

“Eloise?” I asked, not sure if she had heard me approach.

She looked around and smiled, holding out her hand. “Sophie.” She had such a warm smile. “I hope I’m not intruding. I know this greenhouse is yours.”

I smiled and squeezed her hand. “No, no, not at all.” I turned to the polished bluish-grey stones. “I just didn’t expect to see you at the grave of somebody you’d never met.”

Her smile turned sad but lost none of its warmth. “She defended you and my son. That’s enough for me to be grateful to her and honor her death.”

I sat on the ledge around one of the ponds and straightened my pale skirts. “Are you sure you don’t want to join us at the ball tomorrow?”

She shook her head. “No, my dear. You have fun. I’m sure it will be amazing, but you know how I like to retire early. There’ll be too many people, too many questions.”

We sat in silence for a moment, listening to the beautiful, unfamiliar calls of the birds. “Thank you,” I said at last, “for saving Kasten. You are an incredible mother. The way you loved him…”

The words hit too close to home, and I stopped speaking before I broke down.

Eloise seemed to notice anyway and continued sitting in silence, her eyes very like Kasten’s as she sought for something to say. “I am glad he found you when I couldn’t be there. It was wonderful to wake from my sleep and find that he wasn’t alone.” She watched my face for a moment and pursed her lips. “Now, I will return to the laboratory for one more hour’s work before I retire.” She started to swivel her wheelchair around.

I perked up. “Is it almost finished?” Eloise had resumed her experiments to find something that not only purified the blood but could restore the damage toxins had done to organs. It needed stored vitality and so we had decided to make use of Gregane’s overflow haemalcomy disk that had harvested vitality from the last of the halfsouls Lyrason had created, since the people it belonged to were already dead. Queen Annabelle had made any future harvest of vitality highly illegal, so we wished to use this wisely. She had given her permission for its use in this one instance.

Eloise patted my hand. “I am very close, but I will only be able to make a small amount. One dose for Kasten, to heal any residual effects from the poison. And one for you.”

I frowned in confusion. “Why one for me? I thought you were making this for Kasten?”

Her eyes softened. “Kasten told me about the tonics your father gave you, the ones that damaged your womb. Well, this will remove any damage done.”

I could only stare at her in surprise. “But…don’t you think you should use it on yourself instead?”

Eloise’s eyes were flicking across my face as if solving a puzzle. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to use my legs normally again, but I’ve made peace with that. It was my own choice to give away my vitality. It was never yours to lose your ability to have a child.”

All at once my walls broke and tears came out in thick, soul-ripping sobs. Kasten’s mother kept her hand on my knee, her face sympathetic and concerned. “Sophie, is this what has been bothering you? Your inability to have a child?”

“Yes and no and…I know I’m being ridiculous, but I want to become a mother, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I’m bad enough at being a wife to Kasten, but if I had a child depending on me…I…I’m so scared of getting pregnant. Yet I dread never having a child even more.”

“Oh, my sweet girl.” Eloise’s voice broke and she held my hands, leaning as far out of her wheelchair as she could. “That’s not silly. You’re not being silly at all. Being a mother is a terrifying thing. And the uncertainty of whether you can even become one is even worse.”

She waited until I had calmed down before handing me her handkerchief. “If you could picture any future you wanted, Sophie, what would it be? What do you want deep down, if only it was possible?”

I closed my eyes tight. It was dangerous to say these things out loud. It was dangerous to dream when hope could hurt so much. “I want to be Kasten’s wife and for us to be happy. I don’t want to cause him pain and worry. I want to be the Lady of Kasomere and run the castle well. I want to be a healer that helps people all over Fenland. And…I want to have children with Kasten and be a good mother.” I opened my eyes, feeling vulnerable at exposing myself so deeply to Eloise.

She smiled gently. “Those are wonderful dreams, Sophie. Truly wonderful. And you are deserving of them.”

At her words, the tears threatened to break again. “How can I be deserving of them? People lost their lives to make that store of vitality. How can I be worth that?”

She cupped my cheek. “How can you not? Kasten told me that your father tried to make you small and insignificant. But you were never small. You always burned bright. That is why Kasten tells me he fell in love with you. And you’ve shown the world your fire time and time again. You saved Kasten when he was badly injured. You’ve healed hundreds of people through your plants. You helped save Adenburg.” She patted my heart. “You are a great wife to Kasten. And you will be a great mother to your children. And you have many dear friends who will ensure you succeed.”

I wiped my face on the back of my hand. “You really think that’s possible?”

“I do. The fact you are so anxious about being a good mother shows that you’ll be a brilliant one. And I can think of no better use for these lost lives than allowing new ones to be brought into the world. They will be a blessing.”

I looked away and stared at the waterfall and the gentle lapping of the water. Kasten had made all this beauty, all this wonder for me. He was always trying to show how much he thought I was worth.

We had so much. How had I never truly seen how much Kasten and I had to give?

It was as if a great weight was lifting from my shoulders as I dared hope in that beautiful dream. Tears pricked my eyes. “Thank you, Eloise.”

She squeezed my hand. “Now go and speak to Kasten. Fight for that wonderful future with everything you have.”

I turned and I ran. I ran faster and faster as the lingering touch of my father fell away from me. I would be able to have children after all. Eloise was right. I could have everything I’d dreamed about. In its place, the weight of love I had for my husband only grew in my chest. He’d defeated his own fears, and he couldn’t be any more wonderful. He had given me so much. So, so much. I didn’t knock but burst into his office where he was talking to Callum. I flung myself into his shocked arms as our friend made a hasty exit.

“Kasten, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry or push you away. I am so sorry. I love you. Please forgive me.”

His strong arms wrapped around me hard, pressing me to his body as if he wouldn’t ever let go, as if he was scared I would melt away. He kissed the top of my head.

“I’ve missed you,” he breathed into my ear.

I tangled my fingers in his hair, wanting to pull him and everything he was as close to me as I could. “Thank you for waiting for me.”

And then his lips were on mine and the ink pot was tipped on the floor, and papers were flying everywhere.

The ballroom was stunning. The chandeliers glittered with thousands of rainbows, and dozens of kryalcomy lights were encased in beautiful blue and green lanterns. The glass doors down one wall were open to the gardens, bathed gold in the light of the setting sun. On the opposite side of the room, tables laden with thousands of bite-sized delicacies beckoned between beautiful floral displays.

I had always known this room would be exceptional. Now as I saw it glittering and expectant, I felt oddly emotional. Who could have guessed I would finally be hosting a ball in Kasomere? And that so many people would come.

Nerves twisted in my stomach. Could I really do this? Could I really host a ball for royalty? Well, I wouldn’t know if I didn’t try. And this was, at last, a risk I could take that didn’t scare Kasten.

Mistress Rose came to stand beside me and bobbed a curtsy. “Is everything as you hoped, Your Highness?”

The title sounded strange on her lips, and I wondered if I would ever get used to it. During her coronation last week, Annabelle had declared Kasten her legitimate brother and elevated his title to prince, though he had publicly renounced all claims to the throne. As a result, I was now a princess. It all felt too grand and strange at the moment, especially when life continued as before in Kasomere.

I beamed at her, happiness spilling out from me. “It’s perfect. Everyone has worked so hard. I never dreamed it would be so beautiful. The queen is due to arrive any minute. I assume all the guest rooms are ready?”

“Yes, Your Highness. I’ve just checked over them myself. Who would have thought we would have had so many positive replies to our invitations when we’re so far from the capital.” She smiled and clutched her hands together. “It’s about time we were able to show Kasomere off.”

I nodded in agreement. Today was the climax of weeks of hard work, and now we could have a party where nobody was threatening or trying to kill us—and most importantly, where nothing stood between Kasten and me.

The relief I’d felt since talking to Eloise yesterday was tremendous. And I had barely left Kasten’s side since. The ease of his forgiveness had been humbling. His love for me hadn’t dimmed in the slightest. I was the luckiest woman in Fenland to have another chance to get this marriage right.

I smoothed down my glittering silver skirts and admired the way the light from the chandeliers caught the tiny diamonds sewn into the lacework on my bodice. It was an extravagant dress for an extravagant evening. Finally, my mood matched the occasion. We had so much to celebrate, and so much to look forward to.

I sensed Kasten enter the room before I saw him. I turned and grinned at him to share my excitement. He was wearing a flattering black velvet coat, perfectly cut to match his broad figure. It was covered in silver embroidery and joined by a silver cravat to match my dress. I loved every inch of him. He took in the room with admiration. “Sophie, Mistress Rose, you have done a most excellent job.”

Mistress Rose bowed deeper to him than she had previously. “I am glad it has your approval, Your Highness.”

He half scowled. “Save the fancy titles for when the guests arrive.”

I elbowed him. “The party hasn’t even started yet. You’re not allowed to be grumpy already.”

He raised his eyebrows as he looked down at me. “Well, according to Callum, I am always grumpy. Especially at balls.”

I hooked my arm through his and leaned my head against his shoulder. “Thank you, Kasten, for agreeing to host the ball. I know this must be stressful for you.”

He took a glass of sparkling wine from the side. “You can host them as often as you like, Sophie. This castle belongs to both of us, and as you have reminded me on many occasions, it is good for us to have friends and allies. However, if anyone here dares to look at you like the Cerith ambassador did at the king’s party, I will personally throw him out.”

I gave him a tight smile, brimming with humor, as happiness bubbled inside me. “You mean you’ll actually let me talk to people this time?”

“Well, the quality of the guests should have greatly improved. And as I said, I will simply kick out anyone who annoys me. It’s not the royal palace. I can do as I like in my own home.”

I spun to face him fully and leaned into him, tilting my face up. He was so attractive, I still couldn’t get used to the fact I was allowed to touch and tease him whenever I wished. I took a little step closer. “And will you dance with me? At least once?”

“Yes,” he said, distracted by studying my face. He leaned down and kissed me. I didn’t care if it smudged my lipstick. His free hand spread across my back and pushed me closer into him. “I will take every free slot you have.” He kissed me again, and I felt warmth start to pool in my belly.

We were interrupted by the sharp sound of someone clearing their throat, and I leapt back from Kasten’s arms in alarm. He didn’t react at all but kept his eyes on me with a smug smile.

I smoothed down my skirts and was horrified to see Beatrice clearing her throat in order to announce the entrance of the queen. Annabelle stood in the doorway in a huge scarlet dress that glittered with rubies and thread-of-gold. Nobles cramped the corridor behind her in an entourage, many looking around the queen. I blinked. I had planned to greet her at the door, but clearly, she had entered as fast as Beatrice could reach us.

How many of these people had just seen us kiss? It was hardly a good introduction of us as hosts.

Beatrice cleared her throat again. “Prince Kasten and Princess Sophie, the queen has arrived. Welcome to Her Majesty, Queen Annabelle.” She finished her words with a deep curtsy.

Annabelle was giving me a wicked grin, and I could feel my skin flushing all the way from my neck to my ears. I composed myself and walked up to her, offering both my hands.

“Your Majesty, welcome to our home. Thank you for gracing our ball with your presence.”

Her grin didn’t drop. “It looked to me like you didn’t want to be disturbed, actually. Are you sure we’re not intruding?”

I looked down, my cheeks only getting hotter. “I am sorry, we got a bit distracted.”

She laughed and looked over my shoulder. “This place looks exquisite. I can’t believe I have never visited Kasomere before. I hope I will receive many more invitations.”

Kasten stepped up beside me and bowed. “Your Majesty.”

Annabelle inclined her head, still smiling. “Your Highness. I hope now that you are hosting, you’re not going to lurk in dark corners and leave Sophie to do all the hard work.”

He reached over and took my hand. “She knows I am fully at her disposal all night. Though she has done an admirable job without needing any input from me.” He looked up at the musicians' gallery and raised his hand in a gesture more suitable for summoning armies than musicians. Music started to play.

The queen looked back to me. “My physician told me that you and Callum have recently found a way to stabilize felixleaf using kryalcomy. I am not familiar with the plant, but he told me the treatment is not in common use since it previously needed to be harvested immediately before it was administered to a patient. I hear it will be the strongest medicine against infection that we have. He predicted it would save hundreds of lives.” She inclined her head to me. “It seems Fenland has yet another reason to thank you.”

A blush was heating my cheeks again. “Oh, it was mostly Callum’s genius. But your physician is very kind. I’ve been hoping to do this for months. I was so excited when we managed to get it to work. I’m hoping we can expand bogland in Kasomere to produce more, and I would love to have an area to grow it in Adenburg as well so we can easily supply the capital. My dream is for it to be available for everyone. It saved Kasten’s life before.”

Annabelle smiled. “Whatever you want and need, you only have to ask. You know you have my support. And it would be nice to have you visit Adenburg often so we can have more of our conversations.”

I bowed my head. “Thank you. I will call on you soon, I promise. Though, I had hoped you would stay here for a couple of days following the ball.”

She grinned. “To be honest with you, I have wanted to see Callum’s workshop. I have a few kryalcomy ideas of my own. Alterations to my crossbow bolts. The Maegistrium isn’t happy I have granted Callum exception to their licensing, but I think they will be less vocal if he is producing kryalcomy for the crown, especially after learning of this new medicine you two have made.”

Kasten took a small step forward. “And how are the negotiations going with Kollenstar?”

Annabelle pouted. “We shouldn’t talk about the war at a party, Kasten.” She lowered her voice. “But Venerick is doing an excellent job as our representative at the peace negotiations. Apparently, he can be a ruthless bargainer. They’re terrified of you and your kryalcomy. We should reach a peace treaty soon, and I suspect it will be very much in our favor.” She straightened and looked around the room. “Now, we will have plenty of time to catch up later. I don’t want to keep you from the rest of your guests.”

Beatrice announced the rest of the nobles as they entered and I greeted each one. Kasten remained at my side, inclining his head politely as they passed and, every now and again, whispering comments in my ear. My heart thudded in a heady mixture of nerves and excitement.

Each guest smiled, bowed, or curtsied and expressed their appreciation of the invitation. There were no disapproving looks or veiled threats. Now that we were in the highest favor of the queen, it looked like everyone wished to be in our favor as well. Even Prince Clarence and his group of normally rambunctious friends inclined their heads lower than they needed to as he addressed me as ‘sister’. I was never going to get used to this.

After a second wave of guests arrived, Callum swaggered in, dressed in a red suit that made him stand out from all the other men.

He frowned at Beatrice as he came to stand beside us. “Hey, how come you didn’t announce me when I walked in?”

She frowned at him and lowered her voice. “Surely, you count as one of the hosts.”

He shook his head and waved his hand. “No, announce me. I wish to hear it.”

Beatrice licked her lips and straightened. “Lord Callum Tavolyn,” she called.

Callum grinned and picked up a glass of sparkling wine.

I frowned at him. “I thought you didn’t like titles and deliberately never used them?”

He sniffed. “Yes, well, now I am a lord for saving the queen and the kingdom. I just wanted to remind everyone. It was for their benefit, of course. All this change could be confusing.”

Kasten sipped his wine and raised an eyebrow. “And now that you have your own lands, does that mean you’ll stop bothering us and go and live over there?”

Callum snorted. “Nah. Not when Sophie puts on parties like this. Plus, it would be too much work to move my workshops.” He held up a finger. “Remember. All of the wealth, none of the responsibility. I have underlings now. They can take care of a simple estate.”

He broke off and looked over my shoulder toward the door with a surprised expression. He reached out and touched my arm. “Sophie, I didn’t know you invited your half sister.”

I turned to see Claribel and her new husband enter the room. I smiled. “I did. I just didn’t know if they would come. Venerick said he thought it would be a good idea.”

“Mister Jakobe Bridge. Mistress Claribel Bridge,” Beatrice announced, double-checking her roll of paper.

They walked to us, a little hesitant, and I beamed at Claribel, raising my hands to welcome her. “Claribel, I am so glad you could come.” She looked well.

Jakobe was tall and slender and seemed unsure of himself, but he had a disarming face. He bowed deeply. “Princess Sophie. Prince Kasten. Thank you for your generous invitation.”

I inclined my head. “You are very welcome. I wish to hear about your wedding and how Claribel is settling in. I know the previous king arranged for it to be a rushed affair.”

I led Claribel to a seat, and we talked like we had never talked before, unhampered by father or expectations. Then I talked with Annabelle who introduced me to another person. And another. And then Kasten was sweeping me away to a dance.

“You seem happy, Sophie.” He slipped his hands in mine, and I appreciated their warmth. He watched me with a content expression on his face that made me melt a little.

I grinned. “I am. I’m so glad Claribel came. And everyone is being so nice. Annabelle seems suited to being queen.” I squeezed his hands. “I hope you’re not finding it all too tiring. Well done for not throwing anyone out.”

He pursed his lips as the dance started, and he led us in the first few steps. “Well, I have been tempted.”

I gasped and leaned closer, lowering my voice. “Who?”

He shrugged. “Everyone.”

I stepped further back. “Kasten!”

His voice became low, and he leaned in as the dance brought us closer together. “And then I will get you all to myself again.” His warm breath tickled my cheek.

I couldn’t hide my smile as I glowed under his intense gaze. “This is a ball, Kasten. It won’t finish until after midnight.”

He pouted. “It’s a good thing I’m a very patient man.” His arm slipped around my waist as he swayed me backward in an arc.

I let the dance take hold of me as we did the moves in tandem, our bodies always touching, our eyes never leaving one another.

As the dance came to a finish, Kasten took my arm to lead me from the floor. A ruckus made us pause and turn to the door. Still dressed for travel and covered in dirt, sand, and sweat, two men had entered the room. I couldn’t believe my eyes. One was Lord Venerick, and the other was Sir Chase. Was something wrong? But no, they were smiling.

Kasten and I glanced at each other before walking to them. Venerick bowed his head to me. “I know I didn’t receive an invitation and am not suitably dressed. I hope you will forgive my intrusion.”

I waved a servant carrying wine over. “Not at all. Are you all right? Have you traveled here straight from Kollenstar?”

Annabelle practically ran to my other side. “Venerick! What are you doing here?”

The way he took Annabelle in, his eyes softening and his lips parting, made my chest clench a little. I smiled.

He took a moment to recognize the question. “Well, my dear, we finished negotiations last night. And the treaty was signed. I saw no reason to delay my return to you. I heard you were at Kasomere, and this city is far closer to the border than Adenburg, so I thought I would surprise you. I missed your coronation. I didn’t want to miss anything else.”

Annabelle flung her arms around him in a very unqueenlike gesture. “Oh, you brilliant, brilliant man!”

Sir Chase edged away awkwardly and turned to Kasten with a bow. “I will submit a full report tomorrow, Gen…Your Highness.”

Kasten clapped him on the shoulder. “Feel free to enjoy yourself, Chase. May that be the last time any of us have to go to Kollenstar for a very, very long time.”

Annabelle took Venerick’s hand and dragged him to a private corner before we could question him further. With him dressed in drab, dirty clothes and her in radiant silk, they could not have looked more different, yet they complemented each other perfectly. I couldn’t have been happier for them.

When Annabelle stole a kiss, I looked away. And she had teased us!

I turned back to Kasten, and my stomach dipped at the look of wonder on his face. He was smiling to himself, and he seemed lighter, his movements more free. His eyes shone, and it was as if I were seeing a new, younger version of him. His eyes focused on me, and he almost whispered, “It’s the end of the war, Sophie. It really is the end. We won’t have to fight anymore. I won’t be called away from you. It’s over!” Before I could respond, he picked me up at the waist and spun me around. All I could do was manage a breathless squeal and laugh.

He set me back down with a grin and took my hand instead. He didn’t seem to care that some of our guests were staring at us in shocked surprise. I didn’t either. I hoped everyone could eventually become acquainted with this joyful side of Kasten.

Peace. We had peace.

I surveyed the rest of the ballroom, finally free of dust sheets and filled with glittering, smiling people. I beamed with pure happiness at it all.

“I love it when you smile like that.” Kasten lifted my hand and kissed my fingers, but his dark eyes didn’t leave my lips. My stomach flipped. “I fell in love with your smile first, Sophie. It showed your joy. Your goodness. Your compassion. I would have been lost without that smile. And now, I hope it will be a constant in my life. You have no idea how happy that makes me.”

I could only stare at him, my mind replaying his words over and over.

Without warning, Callum popped up between us. He raised his glass before my husband could speak. “To Kasomere, kryalcomy, and a queen who is not trying to kill us.”

I laughed and raised my own, looking at each of them. “To true friends and true family.”

Kasten finally stopped glaring at Callum for his interruption and raised his own glass. “To peace. And my wife. And long, long lives.”

We drank and laughed, and everything was bathed in sparkling light.