Stick Your Landing (All In #3)

21. Finley

21

Finley

“What was it like growing up with Cap?” Zach asks as we start another lap—our third? fourth?—at the slow and steady pace he’s set.

The reminder of my brother—somewhere on the ice, likely wondering when Zach and I became so close—is unwelcome. But it’s necessary to talk about him, because he’s a frustrating roadblock we’re speeding straight toward.

“Probably your wet dream—the Harris household was hockey central, twenty-four seven. For my brothers and the hoards of teammates who constantly hung around.” My dad left our basement unfinished so they would have a space to hang out that was fine to destroy. “It’s how I ended up in gymnastics. My parents needed me in an activity to keep me occupied multiple days a week while they carted my brothers around, helping them chase their professional hockey dreams. I think they were shocked when I took to it and had a dream of my own to chase.”

“They weren’t supportive?”

I shake my head. “Oh no, they were. Once I told them I wanted to go to the Olympics, they supported me as much as they did my brothers. It meant a lot of split time because my parents can’t be in four places at once.”

I understood their absence didn’t mean they didn’t love or support me, or that they didn’t want me to succeed. But sometimes, all I wanted was to have someone in the stands cheering for me, to know I wasn’t there competing alone.

Zach glances over his shoulder, then maneuvers us around a teammate’s family. “My parents worked a lot to support me and my older brother and sister, but it meant they couldn’t always be with any of us, too busy providing. Jeff and I often played on the same team because he’s only a year older than me. It made it easier for our parents to be there.”

“He must be proud of you for making it.”

“Sure, yeah. But he's also a little jealous.” He shrugs. “I understand it.”

If any of my brothers hadn’t made it to the NHL, I bet it’d be a similar dynamic. It’s never easy to watch someone else live the life you want, even if you’re happy for them. Even if you love them.

“I want you to meet them,” Zach says, the intensity of his eye contact driving home the sincerity of his words. It’s moments like this when I can’t believe my luck.

I squeeze his hands. “I’d love to.”

He pauses. “Why do you think your parents stopped supporting your dream?” Zach tentatively asks the question that could shatter this moment between us. For that reason, I don’t shut down and, instead, push through the ambush of bitterness flooding me.

“They thought it was in my best interest. Which is why I’m hiding it. They still think that.”

Zach opens his mouth to speak, but before he can, Alexei Volkov skates up beside him, disrupting us. I’ve sat at the table with him on more than one occasion when Matt and Gemma invited Alexei and Kennedy over. He didn’t intimidate me then but now with his pads and skates giving him extra bulk and height, I’m reminded how he treats anyone on the ice who isn’t a Palmer City Wolf as his enemy. After watching Alexei pummel Justin Ward to avenge Zach, let’s just say I’d never want to make this man mad.

His eyes bunch together, creating angry creases in his forehead. “You’ve drawn his attention,” Alexei mutters, his gaze flicking to where my brother skates beside Gemma as they push Elodie around the rink.

“We’re not doing anything wrong,” Zach answers at a normal volume.

I love that he’s an open book with his thoughts and feelings. He disarms my fortified defenses in a way no one else has. I’ve never trusted anyone so quickly, certainly not when it comes to handing over my heart.

“Can I steal her?” Kennedy glides up to me, linking our arms like it isn’t a question.

Zach’s eyes meet mine, and I mouth, I’m fine. He lets go of my hand, leaving me unsteady after I got used to depending on him for balance. It isn’t a stretch to tell people Zach and I were holding hands because I need the support.

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep her in one piece.” Kennedy winks at Zach before turning to Alexei. “I’ll see you later, babe.” Then we skate to the opposite side of the rink from them.

Alexei can’t help but track Kennedy, even after dating for two years. I’m betting a Kennedy Cole and Alexei Volkov wedding isn't too far in the future. I’ll score an invitation because Alexei is close with my brother, but I’d prefer to be Zach’s plus-one.

“So this isn’t one-sided?” Kennedy’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

“What?” I’m stalling to sort out her motive for cornering me. Is she snooping on behalf of my brother? For Volk for my brother? For her best friend, Gemma, who’s been staring oddly at Zach and me since he landed in the room next to mine a month ago?

Kennedy drops my arm and spins so she’s facing me the way Zach did, except we’re not holding hands. Her dark blue hair is stark against the bright white ice. It’s one of the most gorgeous colors I’ve seen, and she pulls it off flawlessly. I’m not surprised Volkov is wrapped around her finger. She’s naturally beautiful and can go toe to toe with anyone.

“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter,” Kennedy says, squaring her shoulders and preparing to confront me. “I lied to myself for a long time about Alexei. And when I stopped lying to myself, I still refused to admit my feelings to him.”

I roll my eyes, shifting my stance to match hers. “You’ve got it all wrong. I have no problem admitting I like Zach to myself or to him. Or you. I like him, all right? Mystery solved.”

Kennedy raises her eyebrows, obviously surprised she didn’t have to beat it out of me… metaphorically speaking of course.

“When are you planning to tell your brother?”

I shrug. “Zach and I haven’t talked about it.”

Kennedy laughs. “So you’re going the passive-aggressive route, suggesting something is going on in a public setting so you don’t have to tell him directly?”

“Skating with Zach has nothing to do with my brother. Or with you.”

Instead of my attitude putting her off, she skates toward me and slings an arm around my shoulders. I’m shorter than her, so she easily reaches across me. She smiles wide. “He needs someone like you.”

“Someone like me?” I repeat. I’ve turned into someone desperate for anyone to speak a word about Zach, so I can learn more about him and hear other perspectives on his feelings for me.

“Someone with a mind of their own, who keeps him on his toes and doesn’t let him take shit from anyone. Someone who has his back. He deserves more than he thinks he does. I think you’ll help him see that.”

Her approval means everything. Of everyone in Zach’s life in Palmer City, she knows him best. They lived together for more than a year.

“He doesn’t know how rare he is,” I agree.

Kennedy drops her arm from my shoulder and holds it out wide to encompass the entire arena. “Yeah. He’s a star. This fanbase is completely in love with him.”

“I’m not talking about that.”

She nods slowly. “I know, Finley.” Kennedy does a three-sixty spin before coming in closer than before. “Have you told him everything about yourself?”

My eyes snap to hers, hackles rising at the knowledge that she knows something I never told her. One of her hands nervously runs through her hair. I hate that Gemma revealed my bipolar disorder, but I have to believe she did it because she needed support. And I can tell Kennedy doesn’t want to bring this up. She’s doing it because she loves Zach. How can I possibly blame her for that?

I tamp down my instinct to flee.

“I don’t know if I could stand him looking at me differently,” I whisper, voicing the fear I keep stuffing down. It roars louder the more time I spend with Zach. I’m too invested to play off a negative reaction as anything other than heartbreaking.

Kennedy’s brow wrinkles. “You think he would?”

“Not on purpose. Not consciously.”

It would be difficult to accept. I couldn’t be around him, watching him school his features into acceptance. Because he might want me, but he can’t possibly want someone whose mental state could disrupt his entire life in unpredictable ways without much warning.

“It’s been a month. Would you have told Alexei?”

She bursts into unexpected laughter. “Not unless my life depended on it. But our story is different from yours, trust me. He wasn’t looking at me like that quite yet.”

Kennedy tips her head toward the other side of the rink, where Alexei and Zach stand against the boards. My stomach hits the floor when Zach’s stare collides with mine. He doesn’t look away, continuing to hold eye contact, communicating silently how much he cares for me.

“What did you think when Gem told you about my condition?”

She replies without a moment’s hesitation. “I thought if there’s anyone who could manage a difficult hand, it’s the girl who made a four-inch beam her bitch with a Worlds silver medal on the line.”

A breathy laugh gushes out of me. “I didn’t know I'm in the company of a fan .”

She holds up her thumb and finger close together, a little space between them. “After my mom died, I spent a lot of time at home. I went through a period watching gymnastics.”

I don’t know what to say. It’s no secret Kennedy’s mom passed away tragically, but I have no magic words other than the inadequate I’m sorry .

Thankfully, she doesn't expect a response. “Consider this payback for how you helped me. I don’t think Zach could learn anything about you that would change his mind. It’s not only because he’s loyal and unwavering, though he truly is both. I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you, and I’ve spent a lot of time with him these past couple of years. It’s probably why Alexei is over there talking his ear off when he’d rather do anything other than talk about feelings .”

An anvil drops on my chest. “He’s warning him off?”

“Oh, no! Alexei would never do that. We’re both team Zinley.” I ignore the couple name she gives us when we are not, in fact, a couple. At least, I don’t think we are. “Zach’s like the annoying little brother he never had, and he’s worried. We both are. The concussion had Alexei in a state, even though”—Kennedy drops her voice low, saying the remaining words with a Russian accent—“it’s hockey and people get hurt.”

A familiar refrain in the Harris household.

I grin. “I bet he hates when you talk in that voice.”

She beams back. “Oh yeah… so naturally, I make sure to do it at least once a day. I think my fake accent is getting pretty good. He disagrees, but it doesn’t stop me.”

I can’t remember the last time I confided in a girlfriend, not since my gymnastics days. Even then, I was always on guard because my friends were also my competition, and some of them made that abundantly clear. It made for a lonely existence.

“I really like him,” I say, the words barely audible over the noise surrounding us. “It’s scary how much I like him.”

“Aw, Fi.” Kennedy wraps her arms around me, and I give into the hug. Mark this off the bingo card of events I never imagined. She’s not what I consider the warmest of people, especially compared to the sunbeam that is Gemma Harris. I also don’t project the kind of openness that invites friendship. “It scared the shit out of me too. It works out when it should—not because of any stupid thing like fate, but because people step up when it’s right.”

Her words sooth an ache in my chest I didn’t realize was there. An ache from wanting the deep, lasting love story I thought bipolar disorder made impossible. Kennedy’s words whisper hope that once would’ve been reckless to hold onto. Now it doesn’t seem far-fetched the right someone could care for me despite the challenges I bring.

“I’m here if you ever need to talk, Finley,” Kennedy says, placing her hand on my shoulder as we pull out of the hug.

My heart soars at the offer. “Thank you, Kennedy. Seriously.”

When I finally tell Zach, when one day becomes now , I’m going to need her support.

It’s hours later, and I’m in my new favorite position for watching TV—tucked into Zach’s side, head on his chest, one arm splayed across his stomach. At his insistence, we’re watching my favorite show about a precocious high school student who solves paranormal mysteries between romantic and familial drama. I love dissecting the story I love with him, and hearing his opinion of my favorite characters.

Everything takes on new meaning when I experience it with Zach. It’s scary, this realization about how his presence enriches my life. After losing gymnastics, I didn't understand who I was anymore. It was with me through every triumph and disappointment. I could mark time based on what I’d been doing in the sport. I never thought I’d have to worry about getting so attached to another person that they could so profoundly affect the way I experience life.

I’d never known real love before.

But as I listen to Zach’s steady heartbeat, I wonder if I’m about to find out.