Stick Your Landing (All In #3)

28. Finley

28

Finley

The sun filters into the gym four hours after I arrive on Christmas morning.

I couldn’t sleep last night after the party. Not when I tried again and again to call Zach, only to have it kick over to voicemail every time. He probably shut his phone off, not wanting to deal with me. I still can’t stop seeing the sad puppy dog look on his face. I wish he’d lashed out, yelled at me for not telling him what he wanted to know, then I could be angry at him for pressuring me.

Instead, I hate myself.

Once I tell him about my bipolar disorder, everything will change. He might leave me. Or worse, he’ll sacrifice himself—his happiness—because he loves me. He might not see it as a sacrifice, but Zach Briggs has the entire world in the palm of his hand. He doesn’t need to saddle himself with my complications. I’ve been selfish not to tell him, to give him the chance to walk away from my mess.

I leap from the low bar to the high, pushing off the balls of my feet and effortlessly catching it. My body propels around the high bar, once, twice, then I let go to complete two layouts before my feet land solidly on the mat.

A slow clap echoes off the gym walls. I turn, my heart in my throat, hoping it’s Zach behind me. My stomach sinks to the floor when my brother’s glare greets me instead. He leans against the balance beam about fifty feet from me, dressed in matching black Palmer City Wolves sweatpants and sweatshirt with absurdly white sneakers.

“I would’ve bet any amount of money you snuck out last night to see Briggs, but you’ve been keeping an even bigger secret.”

I cross my arms over my chest. “How did you find me?”

“You’re on my phone plan, Finley. I can track your phone. I could’ve tracked it since you moved in, but I trusted you to stick to the agreement.”

I’m such an idiot . All this time, I’d never once thought about this possibility.

Hurt flashes across his features, but it’s gone in a blink, replaced by unnerving calm. Matt waves a hand around the gym. “How long has this been going on?”

“Since I was five years old.”

“You know what I mean.”

I shrug. “It’s the reason I came here. Well this, and to escape the house I’ve been trapped in for two years.”

“So you used me.”

“What if someone tried to take hockey away from you?” I shout.

“Hockey isn’t hurting me.” Matt matches my tone.

“You’re shitting me, right? Injuries are handed out with salaries in your sport.”

I shake my head, disappointed he can’t put himself in my shoes. Our age difference kept us from being close as kids, but as a fellow athlete, I expected him to have a baseline understanding of what gymnastics means to me.

“This isn’t about me,” he says.

“Of course it is!” I throw my arms into the air, chalk shooting out around me. “Everything in my life is about you, and Mom and Dad, and Charlie and Ryan. No one cares how my bipolar disorder affects me. How could you when none of you will talk to me about it? It was easier to strip my life of anything that could potentially put me at risk.

“My life isn’t my own. My only option was to lie, since no one in this family gives a shit enough to ask me how I’m doing or what I want.”

Matt walks toward me. “Finley, do you have any idea what it was like getting the call from Mom when they found you unresponsive in the gym? She couldn’t get the words out because she was crying so hard. I thought you were dead. ”

I roll my eyes. “I was asleep.”

“You were unconscious . That’s what they call it when you won’t wake up.”.

“Thanks for the lesson,” I reply. “Did you say everything you need to? I still have another half hour.”

“Enjoy it,” Matt says. “Because you’re going home with Mom and Dad after the holiday. I told them what’s going on, and they’re very concerned about your well-being.”

A scream lodges in my throat; I won’t give his smug ass the satisfaction.

“Like I’d expect anything else from you. You’re such a brown-nosing golden boy, running to Mommy and Daddy for approval and support, like you have our entire lives. I hope their approval is worth it, because after today, you no longer have a sister.” I nod toward the doorway before turning on my heel to face the bars. “Don’t let the door hit your treacherous ass on the way out.”

Then I jump and catch the bar, immersing myself in my routine. If he says anything more, I don’t hear it, using my well-honed skills to block out noise and lose myself in my gymnastics.

Zach still isn’t answering my calls when I leave the gym. Of everything falling apart in my life right now, I can try to salvage my relationship with him. It’s also what I need to fix most. Returning to the gym brought me purpose, but my happiness these last few months stemmed from sharing my life with Zach.

It’s pouring rain when I reach his apartment. My legs ache from the rigorous workout, but still, I sprint from my car to his building, taking two steps at a time to his floor. I knock urgently on his door, five loud rasps before I hear him call, “Hold on!”

The door unlatches and swings open, revealing Zach Briggs, shirtless in gray sweatpants. Fuck me .

“Hi,” I say, wiping rainwater from my brow. “I tried calling.”

Zach shakes his hair, water droplets falling to the floor. “I was in the shower.”

I raise an eyebrow. “All night?”

“My phone was off.”

The stiff conversation hurts, especially when I’m hit with memories of every other time I was in this apartment—joking, laughing, swapping stories, tangling bodies together, sleeping with his arm draped over my waist, pulled snugly against him. A sharp pain settles into the center of my chest at the idea of never having another moment like that.

“Can I come in? I want… I need to talk to you.”

Zach steps back, nudging the door open wider. He walks to the main room instead of the game room where we’d spent most of our time. Message received . Zach sits on one end of the couch, remaining shirtless. He can’t be this oblivious to how seeing him half-naked affects me?

I take the opposite end of the couch, not wanting to cross any boundary he’s setting. No matter how much I want his arms around me, I can’t lose sight of the reason I’m here. I’ve hid from him for too long. He deserves the truth.

“What do you want to talk about?” Zach asks after an extended silence.

I tuck hair behind my ear. “I couldn’t sleep last night, knowing I hurt you. I want to fix it.”

“There’s only one way you can do that.” He shifts in his seat. “I was fine waiting until you were ready, but then I realized you don’t trust me. I’m starting to think you never will.”

I lean forward, wishing Zach was close enough for me to reassure him. “That’s not the reason. I promise it’s not. I’ve wanted to tell you, but I’m terrified. I’ve never had this conversation before. I wanted to be sure we were on the same page… but then I cared too much, and your opinion has the power to break me.”

Zach’s fingers dance across the back of the couch, but he meets my gaze. “Finley, I love you. That means I’m here, I have your back. I’d rather break my arm than hurt you.”

The words meant to soothe remind me of everything I stand to lose if Zach Briggs leaves my life. He’s the rarest of rare—kind, funny, loyal, handsome, talented. I’m one of the lucky few who find a quality man and aren't too oblivious to realize it. Zach’s the brave one, putting his heart on the line without confirmation I’ll handle it with care. Meanwhile, I keep mine wrapped in barbed wire to remain safe.

I don’t deserve you . I think the words but don’t say them because it’d be unfair. He’d try to reassure me, and this conversation would take an entirely different turn.

Instead, I say, “I’m going to tell you everything, but I need you to promise not to say anything until I finish. Is that okay?”

Zach lifts one shoulder. “Fine.”

I take a deep breath, readying myself to tell the entire story to someone for the first time. “Three years ago, I was training for the Olympics. Everything was fantastic. I’d been performing my routines consistently in competitions. My skills on beam—my best event—were in high demand. The stars were aligning. I thought I’d make the Olympic team.

“But I started to feel different. Not for the first time, but it was worse than before. My parents always said I had a hard time regulating my emotions, not realizing it was a condition I couldn’t control.

“I don’t know what triggered it or why the change in my mood was more severe than other times in my life, maybe stress or getting older. I didn’t want to get out of bed, my body felt drained—both physically and emotionally. I struggled to sleep, and sometimes I had these really scary thoughts.”

I shudder as I remember the sheer terror that I might never climb out of that dark lonely hole. I run a hand down my face, surprised it comes away wet. When did I start crying?

“People could tell something was wrong,” I go on, “but I didn’t know how to explain it, and I wanted to pretend I was fine, so I distanced myself. Sometimes, I didn’t want to do gymnastics, the sport I’ve loved my entire life. It took every ounce of my energy to get through the day. I didn’t have anything left for anyone else.”

Zach pushes to his feet, comes to me, and settles at my side. One hand lands on my knee while the fingers of his other hand brush tears off my cheeks. He doesn’t say anything, giving me time to share my story like I asked.

But he doesn’t need to say a damn word for me to know he would do anything to stop my pain right now. It’s in the way those soft brown eyes linger on my face, the comforting squeeze of my knee.

All I can hope is this next part of the story won't change his feelings.

“The only person who didn’t try to interrogate me was this guy I was seeing casually, my brother’s old teammate, Garrett.”

Zach’s fingers tighten on my leg before relaxing again, the only sign mentioning another guy bothers him. He continues to stare as I talk, his chin propped in the palm he’s resting on the couch.

“Garrett gave me pills to help with my energy problem. And they worked great for a long time. Until they didn’t.” I look away from him, not ready to see judgment. I’d experienced enough of it from my family… and from myself.

“What happened?” Zach’s quiet voice breaks through my thoughts.

I clear my throat. “Well, I had a lot of energy. Too much energy. The pills triggered a hypomanic episode. I barely needed sleep. All I wanted to do was work out and do gymnastics. I never got tired. I had this incredible feeling of invincibility. But it didn’t last, and the low I felt after…”

I can’t say the words, but Zach knows them. His hand entwines with mine, a comforting presence I desperately need.

“Eventually,” I continue, “my body couldn’t take anymore. My coach found me collapsed on the floor one morning, unresponsive with a slow pulse. I don’t remember what happened. The whole night is a blur. I’m thankful I wasn’t in the middle of flipping on the beam or swinging on the bars when I lost consciousness. It could’ve been a lot worse.”

“That’s why your family is so overprotective? Because of a mistake you made?”

I shake my head. “They’re protective because we found out I have bipolar 2 disorder. Since then, my family has solely focused on keeping me healthy—limiting stressors, like college and gymnastics, monitoring my sleep, my diet, my medication. My parents pay for college out of state only because I’m staying with Matt and Gemma. Matt’s in charge of making sure I keep to my routine and stay healthy.”

A weight eases from my chest, making it easier to breathe. He knows everything now, and he hasn't pulled away. More tears race down my face.

“This explains a lot.” Silence blankets the room. Finally, he says, “Can I ask you a question?”

I force a smile. “You can ask me anything.”

“How many people know?”

It’s not the first question I expect, but that’s Zach Briggs, a never-ending source of the unexpected.

“Not many. My family, Veronica. She needed to know so she could keep an eye on me. I didn’t tell her… everything.”

“Why did you decide to tell me?”

Maybe it’s because he’s looking at me the same way he did before, despite everything I’ve told him. Or maybe it’s because he moved closer to me with every new piece of myself I shared. I love Zach Briggs, so intensely my chest aches, and I want him to know all of me.

“Well, there are a couple of reasons.” I fiddle with the silver ring on my right hand. “You’re the best person I’ve ever met, and I can’t stand that keeping this secret was hurting you. I also can’t imagine my life without you, and there’s no shot at a future if I'm not honest. I’ve been terrified to tell you for the same reason. It changes things.”

Zach tries to say “It doesn’t,” but I swiftly cut him off.

“It does. I’m never going to be easy to love. It’s always going to be hard.”

Zach shifts closer, his knee bumping and settling against mine.

“Finley, I’ve never fallen in love before, so I can’t pretend to be an expert on it, but falling in love with you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. Nothing would be harder than staying away from you.”

A fresh tear falls from my eye, but Zach doesn’t sweep it away this time. He holds my hands, anchoring me in this moment, keeping me connected to him.

“ Dammit ,” I mutter. “It’s this , right here, that’s turned my entire life upside down. How could I not fall in love with you? Every moment I spend with you lights me up from the inside in a way nothing else ever has.”

Zach grips my chin, turning it until I meet his wide eyes. “Did you say you love me?”

There’s a tsunami in my stomach, waves crashing one after the other, the longer we hold eye contact. It’s unsettling as much as it is thrilling to have everything out on the table between us. There’s so much we still need to discuss, but more than anything, I want Zach to know my heart.

“I love you, Zach. For a while now, act—”

His hand slides from my chin to the side of my head and his lips slam into mine, unrelenting in their devouring of my mouth. I’m not sure who moves first, but it isn’t long until I’m in Zach’s lap, legs wrapped around his back.

His mouth retreats from mine, his tongue skimming my bottom lip as he pulls away. “I’m sorry, did you want to keep talking? I—”

“No, I want this. I want you.”

And for the rest of Christmas morning and into the afternoon, I show him the depth of my love.