Sticky Situationship (It’s Complicated)

5. Libby

Libby

M orning rounds are usually an hour, sometimes two. Today, we’re pushing three, and my stomach is growling, despite the foul combination of astringent antiseptic and stale cafeteria coffee in the air. My friend Zoe and I, along with the rest of the residents on our rotation, converge around our next patient’s bed.

Dr. Novak, our no-nonsense attending, stands at the foot of the bed, her hawklike dark gaze sharp and unyielding. Despite a tough love approach and terse bedside manner, her knowledge of medicine is unmatched. I’ve learned as much from her in the past few months as I did in four years of med school.

The patient, a heavyset eighty-six-year-old with a perplexing combination of presenting symptoms, peers at the six of us with suspicion.

“Given the patient’s fatigue, intermittent claudication, and non-healing ulcer on his anterior longitudinal sulcus, what would be your next step?” Dr. Novak’s eyes sweep over the lot of us and come to rest on me. “Dr. Bauer?”

Damn. I take a deep breath, running through my textbook knowledge and what I’ve learned on-the-job during my residency.

“Well,” I start, buying myself a few seconds by leaning in for a closer look at the ulcer before straightening. “Considering the symptoms, I would start with a CBC to check for anemia or infection along with an MR angiography for a better view of the blood vessels.”

Dr. Novak arches a thin brow expectantly as if waiting for more. An awkward silence falls as the other residents shuffle until Dr. Hanson, across the patient’s bed from me, chimes in. Because of course he does. “Perhaps a detailed vascular examination, including an ankle-brachial index to assess for peripheral artery disease, would be more appropriate. If the index is abnormal, further imaging, like a…duplex ultrasound, could assist with an evaluation of the extent of arterial involvement.”

Dr. Novak purses her lips and gives him the slightest nod. “Well done. I concur. Write it up.”

I swallow hard and force a tight smile at Dr. Hanson, my fingers curling around my pen in a death grip as he proceeds to explain to the patient, in basic terms, what he’s ordering. Part of me wants to strangle my colleague by his blue paisley necktie. The very un-doctorlike part.

Zoe, at my side, nudges my arm as we file out of the room and leans in to whisper something in my ear, but Dr. Novak’s voice cuts her off. “Dr. Bauer, a word in the hallway. The rest of you, continue on.”

My stomach flips, but I nod and tuck a loose curl behind my ear. The other residents file out, and Zoe shoots me a look, her nose crinkled as if to wish me luck, before she follows fast on their heels and I’m left alone with Dr. Novak in the barren beige hallway. As usual, my attending physician cuts right to the chase.

“Boards are in eight weeks, and I have concerns you’re not fully prepared.”

To be honest, I’m not sure I am, either. My regular sexcapades with Brock over the past few months might work wonders for my stress relief, but they’ve eaten into my study time. Not that I want to give them up.

Either way, I’m not about to let the influential physician staring me down believe there’s any cause for concern. “Dr. Novak,” I say, raising a hand as if to emphasize my point. “I assure you, I’ll be ready. I—”

“Your performance reflects not only your knowledge, skills, and abilities, Dr. Bauer. It also, for better or worse, reflects the quality of this hospital, this program, and me, as your recommending attending.”

I nod vigorously. “Of course, Dr. Novak.”

“If you need me to reduce your on-call hours so you have enough time to prepare or—”

“No,” I insist, reaching out to grasp her arm and immediately realizing my mistake and yanking my hand back. “I…I have time, I swear. I’ll spend every spare hour from now until the boards preparing. I’m fully committed to demonstrating my qualifications, as well as ensuring there’s not so much as a whisper about the quality of experience you, or this program, provide.”

Her gray eyes narrow, and for a moment, I hold my breath, waiting to see if she believes me. Knowing Dr. Novak, this could go either way, but with a single, sharp, “Good,” she spins on her low-heeled, sensible Mary Jane’s and clicks off down the hallway, leaving me breathing a sigh of relief.

I scramble to follow her, rejoining rounds in the next patient’s room, but my thoughts are still reeling. Thankfully, the next few cases are clear cut and wrap up quickly. As soon as we’re done, Zoe grabs my arm and pulls me into an empty on-call room, closing the door behind us.

“What did Dr. Novak want?” she demands, sinking onto the empty bed and pulling a half-empty bag of gummy worms from her lab coat pocket. “Spill it.”

I snag a red worm from the bag. “She doesn’t think I’m ready for boards.”

Zoe snorts. “None of us are ready for boards.”

“Yes, but she must be particularly concerned about me, considering the way she called me out.”

Zoe shakes her head and bites a worm in half. “You know that’s her M.O. One bad day at rounds, and she’s on your case. Remember how she made Sammy cry last month?”

“Yes, but in my case, she’s right,” I lament, pacing back and forth across the small room. “I haven’t been studying as much because I’ve been spending so much time with—”

“Don’t tell me you’re thinking about cutting it off with the hottie next door!"

"I—" I start, but she cuts me off.

"Come on, I've had to live vicariously through you since my dating life is nonexistent."

"I'm not dating!" I insist.

She waves a hand. "That's just semantics."

I reach for another gummy worm, ignoring the twist in my gut. “Brock’s a…distraction. Plus,” I add, stretching the sugary invertebrate between my fingers, “it’s not like I’m breaking up with him. He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Right,” she says, in a patronizing tone, “because of the agreement .”

“You don’t have to say it like that,” I snap, shooting her a look.

“I wouldn’t have to if you actually admitted you have actual feelings for the guy.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She adjusts the stethoscope hanging around her neck. “Have you gone on a single date with anyone else since you met Brock?”

“I haven’t gone on a single date since my first year of med school.”

Zoe drops the bag of gummy worms back into her pocket with a shrug. “Me neither, but think about it, Lib. You two have physical chemistry in spades, but every time I ask about him, that’s not what you mention. You light up and gush about something funny he said, or the way he left a bag of coffee beans with a handwritten note for you at the front desk, or the way he always checks in on you after a long day. You can’t tell me that’s what you’d focus on if all it is between you two is great sex.”

Her words carry a sting of truth, but still. “We’re just having fun until…” I trail off because I’ve never given a thought to what might happen down the road. After my residency and boards and—

“Until you realize he’s actual boyfriend material.”

“I can’t manage a boyfriend right now, Zoe. That’s the point.” It doesn’t matter how well Brock fits the bill. How much I look forward to seeing him. How I feel when he answers the door and shoots me that adorable, sexy, lopsided grin. That even though I’m still bleary-eyed and running on caffeine, the past few months haven’t been the blur the last three years were. They’ve been…great.

I shake my head to clear that train of thought and focus. “I’ve got boards in two months, and I just swore up and down to Dr. Novak that I’ll spend every spare hour preparing, like I should have been doing for the past few months.”

“So, you are going to cut off things with him?”

I stop pacing and turn to her, my shoulders falling as I face the facts. “I have to. Becoming a physician, finishing my residency and passing the boards has been the goal for as long as I can remember. Ever since my dad died. That’s the priority, no matter how I feel about Brock.”

Zoe rises and wraps her arms around me. “I know, hon, but it’s not an either-or situation. Years ago, you pressed the pause button on any sort of social life in pursuit of becoming a doctor, but there’s more to Libby Bauer than having an MD after her name.”