Succeeding Love

The Divorce

“I’m in love with someone else,” Nick said. “I’m sorry.”

It didn’t surprise me. I have been suspicious for months now. I’m just surprised he would do this today, of all days.

There’s no reason for me to be surprised. He probably doesn’t even realize what today is. If he doesn’t love me anymore, why blame him for not remembering? When has he ever remembered a birthday without my reminder? I never planned on reminding him that today was my birthday, just out of spite for the emptiness I’ve felt from his neglect of this marriage for the past few months. If I had, it would have only delayed this inevitable conversation.

“Who is she?” I asked calmly, trying my hardest to swallow down my pain and not get emotional. It would do no good.

Nick’s eyes narrowed almost accusingly. I don’t know why. I’m not fighting him. I will not push back. I just want to know who this woman is.

“If you’re leaving me to be with someone else, I deserve to know who it is that will be around my children.” My heart paused. What if he is cutting the kids out of his life, too? What if this is him trying to start with a clean slate? As our kids progressed to teenagers, and he started working more, he hadn’t exactly maintained a close relationship with them like when they were little, but they would still be devastated.

“You would let her around the kids?”

I swallowed deeply. “They still need their dad,” was all I could say past the giant lump lodged in my throat. Letting his affair partner around my kids isn’t my concern. It’s his. I just pray he won’t shrink on his duty to them.

Nick’s features softened, a regretful look coming over his face. “They know her already,” he mumbled. “Arlene, my case partner.”

Arlene. That explains the awkward tension at the last Christmas party we hosted for Nick’s entire firm. I thought the tension coming from her when she examined the pictures on our walls, and the wedding photo above our fireplace was because she had gone through a divorce just last year. That was the excuse Nick had told me, anyway.

She was nice, though. We’ve spent some time with her over the past year, as she assisted Nick in a big case. She had even brought gifts for me and the kids without obligation. I caught her laughing with my daughter over a board game once that night, too. I’m sure she won’t be mean to Jessie and Preston.

“Alright,” I whispered, trying to focus on the good in this, that my kids won’t lose their father, even if I felt like my heart was being squeezed in my chest.

“Is that all you want to know?” He asked gruffly.

I bit my lip, not sure what to do or say now. The panic in me triggered the tears, and seconds later I was choking on a sob. His face turned to guilt, and he clenched his hands at his side. He didn’t touch or try to comfort me. “I’m sorry,” was all that he could say. “I’m so sorry.”

Kevin, my two-year-old lab, ironically, a birthday present from Nick two years ago, nudged his way between my legs, licking my hands pressed to my face until I let them drop. He licked away the tears, nudging me with his enormous head until I nuzzled into him, wrapping my arms around his large body for support.

I wiped the backs of my hands across my face, trying to muster all my control and strength to get through this moment.

After a deep breath, I demanded softly, but firmly, “I want the house.” I took one more shaking breath, looking all around. “This is the only home our kids have ever known.”

I’m sure the affair couldn’t have happened here. I work from home, and this is where our kids sleep. He may be a cheater, but he wouldn’t have crossed that line, if only because the risk of getting caught was too great. Nick didn’t take unnecessary risks.

“I will sign over the house and car to you.” I’ll keep Preston’s car in my name and pay for the insurance. You and the kids will still have my full health coverage, too.”

“How generous of you,” I scoffed lightly, taking a tissue to my mess of a face. “You do not need to cover me. I can take it out through my employer.”

“Fay,” he sighed in annoyance. “Just accept the help.”

“I need nothing from you,” I smiled sadly. “It’s fine, Nick. Really. I can support myself. Just, please don’t neglect our kids after you move out.”

He went silent, just staring at me as I anxiously pet my dog, playing with Kevin’s cold ears.

“I won’t, Fay. I promise. I love my kids.”

“And they love you,” I said roughly, forcing a smile. We stared at one another awkwardly for some time. I didn’t know what to do next, and Nick looked like he still had more to say, but just couldn’t say it.

After a few minutes, I asked, “Do you need help packing?”

He pressed his lips together, then slightly shook his head. “No. I have what I need for now. Movers will be here this weekend.”

How thorough. He’s been planning this.

“Well, the kids will be home soon. Do you want to stay to tell them, or would you like for me to explain?”

“I’ll tell them,” he said levelly, watching me with a wary expression as I got to my feet.

I nodded, the forced smile frozen in place. If I drop it, I’ll break down again, which I’m not willing to do. Not yet.

“If you’ll excuse me. I’m just…. Just going to collect myself before they get here.”

I proceeded without waiting for his reply. Rushing to the bedroom we have shared for the past thirteen years, I found myself in a hurry, ever since Nick landed his current job at the firm. I don’t know how I would sleep in here now. This room held all the most intimate memories of me and him.

I went into the bathroom, Kevin following me behind, then shut the door before falling to the floor. I hugged my arms around Kevin’s neck, bawling into his fur. With Kevin, I let myself come undone.

~

“Are you serious right now?” Preston asked, his face red like he was ready to fight. “How could you do this to mom?!”

“You’re leaving us?” Jessie asked through tears with a shaking voice, hugging a pillow to her chest. I wanted to go to her, to comfort her, but Nick should be the one to do it. I mentally urged him to be the one to step up. She fears being abandoned, and stepping in when it’s his place to reassure her he’s not would make him look worse to them.

“No, sweetie.” Nick leaned forward on the ottoman where he was sitting, wrapping his arms around our daughter’s shoulders. “I’ll still see you just as much as I do now.”

“But you won’t be here with us,” she wailed, clinging to his shirt.

“No, but I won’t be far. You can come stay with me when you want to.”

“You and your whore,” Preston scoffed.

“Preston,” I scolded, giving him a disapproving look. “Be respectful”

“She’s sleeping with a married man! If that’s not a whore, then what is?!”

“Come on, Pres.” The tightness in Nick’s eyes was the look he got when he was holding back his anger. And these two were already on thin ice. I didn’t want their fragile relationship to shatter.

“None of this is Arlene’s fault,” I said, trying to be the voice of reason. It really wasn’t Arlene I should blame for the affair. I’m not married to her. What’s done can’t be taken back, so there is no use in blaming anyone right now.

“You’re right,” Preston nodded, then glared at his father. “It’s yours.”

Nick opened his mouth, but I beat him to it before he could say something he would regret.

“It’s not your father’s fault, either. It’s no one’s fault. We just….. we just fell out of love. It happens,” I smiled sadly. “It’s a testament to why you don’t marry young. People change so much just from the time they graduated high school to the time they turn thirty. Your father and I naively married my first year in college, so we were bound to grow apart. Wouldn’t you rather we be happy than stay together and be miserable?”

Preston’s eyes turned red, filling with moisture as he looked to the ceiling. “Mom, you always make excuses for dad. I’m tired of it. You can’t excuse cheating.”

My sweet son. Preston was truly my first love, and it breaks my heart to see his pain. Being nineteen when I had him, that being the real reason I married so young, I didn’t know what love truly was until I saw Preston’s little face after the nurses laid him on my chest.

“I’m sorry, Preston,” was all Nick said, still with that sour look on his face.

“Whatever,” Preston stood up from the couch, walking off towards the stairs. “Happy birthday, mom,” he yelled out before heading up.

Nick’s eyes went wide as he slowly turned his head to stare at me. He really forgot. I knew it.

“Mama,” Jessie slid away from her father, then came to sit practically in my lap, holding me tightly as sobs overtook her. She cried harder than before, and I knew she wouldn’t stop soon.

Nick’s face as he stared at us was pure agony. He chose this, so I couldn’t find it in me to feel sorry for him. Not when my kids were hurting so much.

“They’ll come to terms with it in time,” I said to Nick, running my fingers soothingly through my daughter’s hair. “You can head out and I’ll have them call you when they’re ready.”

Nick opened his mouth, then closed it again. He did this several more times, like he wanted to say something but couldn’t.

Eventually, he just nodded, then grabbed his jacket, briefcase and suitcase, and left our home for the last time while I could still call it our home. It will be mine starting tomorrow.

“I’m sorry, mama!” Jessie cried. “I’m sorry!”

“Hey. Stop that,” I said shakily, feeling the damn behind my eyes about to break free. “It’s not your fault. It just happened, and no one is to blame.”

“No,” she hiccuped. “Not that. I’ve been texting her. Arlene. She was so nice, and I…. I was nice back.”

“Oh, baby,” I brushed away the tears under her eyes with my thumbs. “That’s great! See. This won’t be so bad.”

It hurt me badly to know that even before today that woman was taking it upon herself to connect with my daughter, but showing that to Jessie will just make her feel more guilty.

“But Preston is right,” Jessie sniffled. “She took daddy from us.”

“She didn’t take daddy. Daddy left, and it’s not fair to blame Arlene for daddy’s choices. I want your daddy to be happy, and I know you do too, so don’t feel guilty about liking the woman making him happy now.”

“But you made daddy happy.”

My chest was sore from the emptiness I felt, thinking about all the effort I put in to keep Nick happy all these years. It made me feel hollow and used.

“Neither Daddy nor I were happy together, sweetie. Now, we can be happy apart.”

~

Nick

I stood outside and listened to my wife through the open window near the front door.

Fay always opened all the windows in the house every morning in the spring, wanting fresh crisp air flowing through the house. She would never remember to close them before bed, and I would lightly scold her as I went around the house to do it.

She always had on this sweet, cheesy smile, saying things like, “that’s what I have you for,” or, “you close them better than I do.”

She was always the sweetest, kindest person to be around, which was why I fell for her. Listening to her selflessly tell our daughter that it was okay to like Arlene reminded me again how kind Fay could actually be.

She’s making this far easier for me than I deserve. She didn’t even mention it was her birthday or blame me for anything.

I feel like shit. I thought I would feel relieved, but I feel the opposite. She didn’t even fight it. She accepted everything except my offer to support her. Even after she came back down from our room, before Preston and Jessie got home from school, I tried to convince her to accept the health coverage and discuss alimony, but she would not entertain the notion. She kept saying she wanted nothing from me, besides for me to maintain my relationship with the kids.

She’s selfless to a fault.

Regret was eating away at me, making it hard for me to take these irrevocable steps away from my married life to drive away into the exciting unknown.

I was so sure about this. I’d been going over everything for weeks. Arlene wasn’t pressuring me for more than the affair, but it no longer felt good to hold Arlene during the day, then sleep beside my wife at night. I couldn’t continue having both without risking my career and reputation, so I chose the one I thought I couldn’t live without.

Now I’m not sure.

I was so bored with my mundane life, and Arlene was exciting. We have worked together for years, but it wasn’t until she got divorced that she started showing the free side of her I fell for. She smiled more. Laughed more. She was ruthless in court and didn’t take shit from anyone anymore.

I wanted that. The more I envied her new sense of freedom, the more I craved a new life like hers.

We won our first case together last year, and in the thrill and celebration, we started our affair. It was casual at first, just hooking up after work a few times a month, but then after the Christmas party Fay and I hosted at our house, Arlene asked me to go on actual dates, too. Not just meet ups in motels. Our relationship gained depth, and the closer I got to Arlene, the further I pulled away from my wife.

I forgot how thrilling dating could be, and she showed a level of dependency I craved. In bed, she was wild, with a wild heart, and she could be demanding and vicious when necessary. She was tall and slim, working out daily. She had purpose and drive.

She was the complete opposite of Fay in every way.

I knew I had to choose. I went over this so many times and knew I was doing what I needed to do to achieve that level of freedom and happiness I craved for so long.

So, why do I feel like I just made the biggest mistake of my life?