Succeeding Love

Déjà Vu

Nick

“Daddy!” Jessie smiled excitedly as I pulled up to the curb of her school.

“Sorry I’m late,” I cringed. Jessie was one of the last kids at parent pick up. I’m about thirty minutes late. I had a phone call with a client right before I left the office. One partner patched it over to me, so I couldn’t ignore it, and it took me forever to reassure the client that their case was in the right hands.

“It’s okay. My friend just left, so I was only by myself for a few minutes.” My beautiful daughter was always so upbeat. I’m not sure if what she said is true, or if she is just trying to make me feel less guilty. She’s like Fay in that way. She’s too sweet for her own good sometimes.

“I’m still sorry, honey. Next time you can go home with your brother and I’ll pick you up from there.”

Jessie made a face. “It’s okay, daddy. I don’t mind the wait.”

I studied her face for a few seconds. She looked guilty for some reason.

“What?” I stared in confusion.

She quirked her lips, making a face she learned from her mother when she’s trying not to hurt someone’s feelings. “Pres told us to call him when we finished shopping.” That’s all. He’s going to come get me after his baseball practice.”

“I was just going to drop you off, Jess. You don’t have to call your brother.”

“It’s okay,” she smiled stiffly. “Preston said-“

“Jessie,” I stopped her. “Did Preston say something about me and your mom?”

She bit her lip, shrugging her shoulders. “It’s nothing, daddy.”

I sighed, feeling exhausted and more beat down than before. Preston is even getting his sister involved to keep me from Fay. I can’t even blame him. I did this to myself.

“Okay, sweetie,” I said, putting a smile on my face. “How does Starbucks sound first?”

I took Jessie to get her favorite lemonade drink and a pastry before we headed to the furniture store. She excitedly skipped around the displays, picking out a whitewashed canopy bed with matching furniture before helping me to pick out furniture for the rest of the condo. I liked the dark leather motorized couches and loveseats with charging ports and massage functions, but Jessie turned her nose up at them. She pointed out brighter colors, and I ended up getting what she preferred instead. Honestly, Fay had similar preferences to our daughter, and I was still hoping to share this condo with my wife.

The bedroom furniture for Preston’s room was easy. I sent him a text of the first display I saw he might like, and he gave me a thumbs up emoji. It wasn’t until I started picking out furniture for the master bedroom that I felt frantic. I took our old bedroom furniture during the divorce. Fay bought herself a new set and told me she was just going to give our old bed and dressers away. I had it taken to storage with the bulk of my belongings instead, and now I’m wondering if I should just use that instead of getting something new.

“What’s the matter, daddy?” Jessie asked as I was running my finger over a paisley bedspread similar to the one Fay once had on our bed.

“Nothing, sweetheart. What do you think of this?”

She shrugged. “I like it, but Arlene doesn’t like things that are girly or flowery. She might like the cheetah one instead. Or maybe just a dark color?”

I pressed my lips together, wondering for a few seconds if I should break it to Jessie that Arlene’s opinion wouldn’t matter.

Jessie skipped to a display of more masculine and dark printed bedding, shifting through the shelving until she found a deep forest snake skin pattern. “This one looks like her favorite dress.”

“Oh, Jess,” I shook my head. I know Arlene and Jessie are close, and I feel guilty for allowing that to happen, even though I’ve known for a while that Arlene and I wouldn’t work out. I should tell her though, so she’s not put in any awkward situations later. “Arlene won’t be coming over to the new place.”

“What do you mean?” She tilted her head to the side.

“It’s just not working out, honey. I know you like her, but this move is going to be a new start for me. Away from Arlene.”

“But,” Jessie looked at the ground, her brain working to make sense of what I just said. “Did you two break up? Arlene still talks to me like you both are together.”

I winced internally. “It’s complicated. I’m planning on talking to her soon.”

Jessie stared at me. Her eyes, which were so like her mother’s, were swimming with some emotion that had me feeling on edge. “Is…. Is it because of mom?”

My eyes went wide for a second, and I hesitated. “What do you mean?”

She picked at the threading of a decorative pillow on the display in front of her. “Preston said something, and now I’m wondering if mom is why you don’t want to be with Arlene.”

“What did Preston say?”

She shrugged. “That you need to quit bugging mom.”

That hurt. My son might be the biggest obstacle to getting my wife back, and he’s an obstacle I’m not willing to fight. I want Fay back, but I love my son too much to keep driving the wedge deeper between us.

“It’s an adult problem, Jess.” I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. “Don’t worry about any of that. Your mom and I can handle these issues ourselves.”

“I know,” Jessie sighed, hugging me back. She tilted up her face to smile sadly at me. “I want you and mom both to be happy. I thought you said Arlene would make you happy. I’m sad she couldn’t.”

I kissed her forehead, loving my sweet little girl. “I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I made such a huge mistake to begin with.”

Jessie held my hand as we walked to the front of the store. I paid for all the purchases and arranged for them to be delivered at the end of the week. Jessie was quiet until we got out to the car. She just buckled in and looked out the window, seemingly deep in thought.

“What are you thinking about, sweetie?” I reached over and squeezed her hand.

She smiled and shrugged. “I’m just daydreaming, I guess.”

“Are you daydreaming about what you want for dinner? I’m thinking burgers,” I wiggled my eyebrows. Arlene hates food you eat with your hands, so burgers are a common meal when it’s just me and Jessie.

“Sure,” Jessie giggled, looking in a more upbeat mood.

After dinner, Jessie called her brother, but I insisted on taking her home. I told her I would just drop her off at the door and not go inside, so her brother wouldn’t be upset. She agreed, but judging by the faces she made while looking at her phone for the few minutes after, I’m guessing Preston still didn’t like that plan. I was going to have to talk to him soon.

“Thanks for dinner, daddy,” Jessie said happily when I pulled up to the curb.

“No, thank you,” I grinned. “You helped me a lot today.”

“I know,” she giggled. “Your apartment would have looked like a western spaceship if I didn’t come.”

“Hey. My taste isn’t that bad.”

“It kinda is,” she laughed, making my father’s heart happy. Her laughter died down, and she looked a little more serious as she leaned over and hugged me. “I love you, daddy, and I hope you can be happy with mom again soon.”

With that, she grabbed her backpack and hurried to the door, waving at me with a glee-filled expression before going inside. I just sat there in stunned silence, my chest feeling like it was being squeezed tight.

I may not have my son’s approval, but I think I just got my daughter’s blessing.

As I pulled into the parking garage for Arlene’s, my smile still hadn’t faded from my face. I felt hope for the first time in a long time.

Arlene looked at me questioningly as I strode in through the front door. She was sitting in one of her leather wingbacks with a glass of red wine in her hands. She couldn’t even temper my good mood.

Or so I thought.

I nodded at her perplexed expression, then walked back to the guest room to change out of my suit and ponder over what to do next. I felt like I was on a high. I wanted to use this energy for something productive before the inevitable gloom returned.

Arlene must have followed me back. She was looking at me with scrutiny while I hung up my jacket and undid my cuffs and tie.

“You seem to be in a good mood for once,” Arlene said, leaning against the open doorway. She was watching my every movement with a sharp stare, probably still hung up on our tiff earlier this afternoon.

“I had an excellent dinner with my daughter,” I offered blandly. My glee is already fading in her presence. She has that look like she wants to fight.

“I had takeout sushi and wine for dinner,” she said snarkily, holding up her glass. “Thanks for asking.”

“Don’t start, Arlene,” I huffed, throwing my tie down on the bed.

“No, you don’t start. I’m tired of this, Nick. I’m tired of you treating me like I don’t matter. I’m tired of you going off with your family during the day, a family you don’t feel inclined to involve me with any longer, and then coming back to my place at night like some distant roommate.”

I glared at her, heated with fury for so many reasons. “Are you telling me to quit spending time with my children?”

“What?!” She looked at me like I was the crazy one. “No! I’m saying that if we’re partners, I want to be included. You used to include me. I don’t know why you stopped, but I want to feel like I matter, too.”

“I told you that Preston won’t spend time with me here. I have no reason to make him either.”

Hurt flashed in her eyes. “What about Jessie? Jessie and I were close.”

I know they were. It was the only thing that had made me hesitate and caused me to doubt leaving sooner. But that was before my daughter told me she wanted me to be happy with her mom again.

“You’re not her mom, Arlene. You keep trying to be, but you’re not, and I’m not comfortable bringing her here with your misconceptions. It’s not right.”

Tears were spilling from her eyes now. She hurried to look away, dragging her acrylic nails across her face to drag the moisture away.

“I know I’m not her mother. I’m not trying to be. I just…. I just love that girl, too.”

The guilt was creeping in, but I kept it from showing. “That changes nothing, Arlene.”

Her eyes sharpened, staring at a single point at the ceiling while she willed away her tears. I could see the resentment building in her strict features from my words. She was once so vibrant, still youthful for someone so driven. Now, she looks older than I remember, worry lines looking like wrinkles in the soft light shadowing her face.

“Fine. If you don’t care about me enough to include me in your daytime affairs, I shouldn’t be at night.”

My brows pulled down in confusion. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying,” she sniffed, wiping the last of her tears away, “if I’m not good enough to be included in your family, then you can’t stay here any longer, Nick. I’m not just here for your convenience. Include me, or get out.”

I closed my eyes, trying not to show my relief.

She said it first.

When I opened them, I felt a resolve settle in my chest. “Okay.”

Her eyes widened. “Okay?”

“Okay,” I said again, picking back up my tie from the bed. “I’ll get out.”

She sputtered, opening and closing her mouth several times like she didn’t believe I had just agreed to leave so easily.

“I’ll pack what I can for tonight and send for the rest.” I moved past her, heading to the bedroom to get everything I could. Seconds later, she was in the room too, mouth gaping open and eyes wide.

I had most of my clothes in a suitcase and was pulling out a duffel bag when she found her voice.

“You’re just going to leave? Really?”

“You told me to,” I muttered, going through the drawers.

“It didn’t have to be right now,” she huffed. “You can, well, sleep on it or something.”

“I’m not going to change, Arlene. You were right. I’m not being fair to you.”

She looked at the ceiling as her eyes started to fill and glisten again. “Fine.” With that, she left the room, going to sit in the living room to finish her wine as I finished gathering my belongings. I left my key on the kitchen counter on the way out. She didn’t even look up at me. She just stared into the void blackness of the night over the city, her reflection clear in the plane window.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured before walking out, closing the door behind me. As I got in the elevator and traveled down to the parking garage, a sense of déjà vu washed over me, but I was surprised at how easily I left the place I had lived for the past year.