Teach Me How To Fly

17. Annalise

17

ANNALISE

M y head weighed what seemed like a ton and as I tried to open my eyes; I felt my body trying to regain its energy.

I felt a light touch on my hand and I knew without having to look by the feeling of it that it was Maksen’s. The moment my eyes adjusted to the light, I opened my eyes and I saw the pale pink ceiling in front of me, I froze.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.

“Did you close the door, Annalisa?”

He asked me and the sound of his belt opening filled the room. I nodded and I wanted to cover my legs more, so I pulled the edge of the dress Aunt Lydia gave me before she went to work and left me home with Maksen and Uncle Sylvian.

“Did you lock it?”

“Yes, uncle,” I replied, turning to him.

He had his pants fallen to his ankles and my body started trembling again, as it always does every time my uncle approaches me. He came closer, and his eyes were pinning me. I wanted to run, but I knew that would have made the situation worse for me. I ran once, and he beat me, touched me even harder and did things to me I didn’t really understand.

“Take your dress off, Annalisa.”

“I-I’m freezing. I’ll get sick if I take it off,” I replied, hoping my reason was good enough to stop him as my legs started shaking.

Why was he always like this way with me? What did I do wrong for him to punish me every time? Didn’t he know he was hurting me?

The next moment, he grabbed me by my arms and lifted me up from the ground, throwing me on the bed’s surface. With a sudden movement, he took off my dress, leaving me naked in front of him.

“Look, your aunt gave you these tiny pink panties I love so much.”

I looked down at myself and saw the pair of panties I was wearing. These were my favorites too. They had a little pink bow on them, so I guessed that’s why my uncle liked them too.

He touched the bow and I looked at the colorful drawing on his hand. I always liked looking at it because the bird in flames reminded me of the Phoenix bird I always saw in cartoons.

He came above me wearing that face that scared me everytime. That’s how I imagine the big, bad monster in the bed time stories Aunt Lydia reads to me looks like, but he was a real life monster. Why?

“Start counting, Annalisa,” he whispered and he took off my panties. “Show me that you didn’t forget how to count. Show me that you’re a smart girl,” he added and his breath hit my face.

“One,” I said and the tears rolled down my cheeks.

He touched me there and I felt embarrassed, dirty, and odd. He moved his fingers on me and the excruciating pain I felt was even more painful than all the other times.

“Keep going.” His breath became harsher, more accelerated and sonorous.

“Two. Three,” I replied as I couldn’t do anything but burst out crying.

“Four,” I continued and I felt myself being pushed up and down on the bed, while the pain that chained my body made me want to scream. I couldn’t have screamed, because I knew he would beat me and do worse things to me than what was already happening. And Maksen could’ve heard me too, and I would’ve been very ashamed of myself if he would see me like this.

“Keep. Going. Annalisa.” he growled in my ear, continuing to move inside me and break me into pieces.

“Five.”

He moaned and I cried even harder.

“Six.”

And he stopped with a sound coming from his mouth that seemed to be taken out of a real living Hell.

Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

He didn’t know that, but I knew how to count to ten, and I liked it more, because those were the seconds when he was getting away from me and I was finally being left alone.

Empty, and numb.

I opened my eyes and I realized I was being held in someone’s strong arms. But only when I took a deep breath in, I realized it was Maksen who was holding me to his chest. I turned my head and saw Aunt Lydia sitting on the chair next to my bed.

I remembered that I collapsed on the ground, and then I remembered that I woke up and the moment I saw the ceiling, I fainted again.

My body was trembling continuously even though I was awake now, but somewhere inside of me, I knew I wasn’t safe. I was in the house where I lived all those painful memories that came back to me.

I started crying and turned around to put my hands around Maksen’s body, hoping to calm myself down, but not even that worked. I cried even harder as I realized that each nightmare I had, each feeling of pure terror I felt, were because I had been abused as a child by someone who was supposed to protect me.

My own uncle abused me.

No.

A stranger who pretended to be my uncle abused me and destroyed my innocence for years. And my brain tried to cover it for me, not letting me fall down the road of such a trauma. I understood very well the coping mechanism my mind used to deal with it because now that I’ve remembered, I felt like living with that part of my life blurred in my memory, was a mercy.

“Annalise,” Maksen’s whisper took me out of my mind for a few moments. “Please say something. I got you, I’m here with you,” he added as he started caressing my hair.

“I-I want to be with you. Just with you,” I mumbled, knowing that Lydia would hear me.

She let out a deep breath, then I heard how she stood up from the chair and left the room without saying any other word. The sound of the door being closed behind her made me move away from Maksen a little and look him in the eyes, where I couldn’t see any hope, and that scared me.

“Please, just say something to me. Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it, no matter what it is,” he spoke slowly and put his hand on my face.

I didn’t shudder at his touch, and that shocked me as I knew very well how my body responded to any touch. Now that I remembered everything, I knew Maksen would never hurt me, but would always protect me, just as he did when we were children.

“I remember,” I said, glancing at him with big eyes.

He furrowed at my words and caressed my right cheek with his thumb. His dark eyes were pinning me, trying to peel off every layer of feelings I had stirring inside me. I wanted to let him in, to let him see everything by himself so I wouldn’t have to tell him that I wasn’t the little girl he thought of as being an innocent one.

I had been touched.

I had been destroyed and never put back in place.

I was ashamed of who I was, disgusted of my body and my entire being, and I was sure he was going to be too when he finds out what I’ve been through.

“Anna,” he said, and I tilted my head to come back from my mind.

I’d gotten lost in it. Again. For the millionth time in the last few hours.

“I’ve been zoning out again. I’m so sorry,” I quickly replied as I ran my fingers through the hair strands that were resting on my face.

“What did you remember?” He asked briefly, looking at me and maybe hoping for my answer.

“I remember my childhood,” I answered, trying so hard not to look him in the eyes because if I would’ve done it, I might’ve just started crying again.

I cried too much, and it pissed me off that I was so vulnerable and emotional. I didn’t want to be like that, neither did I enjoy being a cry baby, but everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours made me realize that I wasn’t that strong woman I’ve always wanted to be. I hoped that one day I would be past the mansion’s walls and be who I wanted to be, that confident woman I’ve always dreamt of, but that was what it was — only a dream. My past came for me and I knew there was no hope for me now.

I was a little girl, afraid of everything around her, who just found herself alone in the entire world and not belonging to any family that cared about her, except for Maksen.

“Do you remember everything?”

His question hit me like a tornado, and I felt the need to stand up from the bed and start walking.

How could I tell him that I remembered I’d been abused all those years and that’s the reason why I forgot it in the first place?

But did he remember anything since we came here?

“Yes. I do,” I replied, starting to bite my nails as I felt the tears coming in again.

I became nervous, agitated, and I was trembling like I was going to collapse soon. My knees didn’t know how to support me anymore. I heard Maksen towering up from the bed and stepping closer to me, and when I felt his body sticking to mine and his hands hugging me tight, I knew he was trying to encourage me and comfort me.

“I’m here for you, Annalise. No matter what.”

“I don’t know if you’ll be here after you find out the truth,” I whispered, my voice trembling with emotion.

I was afraid to tell him that I wasn’t actually the innocent and perfect girl he always saw in me.

“Your truth is my truth. Your consequences are my consequences. Your darkness is my darkness,” he spoke slowly, close to my ear, and I felt tingles all over my body.

“My darkness is far away from being just that. It is an abyss, a black oasis I’ll never be able to recover from, Maksen.”

I let it out. The tears started rolling down my cheeks again, and I didn’t care about them anymore. I just let them be there, because they proved that I was human – a broken human being.

“You don’t have to recover from it, but to learn to live in it, just like I did,” he answered and placed a kiss on my neck.

Oh , I said to myself as I felt how calming it was to feel his lips on my skin. I didn’t know I needed it until then. His touch made me feel at home.

But with what did he learn to live? He also didn’t remember his childhood.

“Tell me what you remembered,” he spoke slowly as he kept me in his arms. “Don’t be ashamed with me.”

“I can’t.” I sobbed, as I tried to hide myself into his big arms.

I didn’t know where I wanted to hide, but I just wanted to do it. He continued to hug me as his warm breath caressed my skin. He managed to calm me down, and even through the silence he maintained between us, he encouraged me to speak.

Maybe if I told him, the weight I felt sitting on my chest was going to be lighter.

“I remembered my uncle, Sylvian,” I said with a lower tone of voice.

Maksen tensed behind me as his hands gripped me more.

“And what did you remember about him?” he asked.

I gulped, feeling how my knees were going to abandon me at any second.

“I can’t tell you. I can’t. I’m ashamed of myself, of this body, and everything he did to me,” I cried out the words, and the moment I wanted to get away from him, he pulled me back and buried his face in the hollow of my neck.

“Would it be easier if I asked you the questions and you just answered with a yes or no?”

I remained silent for a few moments, thinking about his proposal, and then, I nodded and wiped off my tears. He inhaled deeply into his lungs, and with a quick movement, he turned me around to face his eyes. The way our eyes met almost caused all the oxygen in the room to be consumed by a deep burning fire.

“Did he make you do things you didn’t want to do?”

I nodded, feeling my heart ache in pain. A spark of fire hit his black irises and I knew he was angry. Not at me, but at the entire situation. My mind kept contouring all those memories when my uncle was taking advantage of me.

“Did he touch you where he shouldn’t have?”

Fuck.

I nodded again, the tears running down my face in salty streams. He gulped and put his hands on each side of my face, pinning me with his eyes.

“Did he do it more than once?”

I nodded a lot, feeling how my heart was breaking into millions of pieces. I wished I wouldn’t have to say yes to those kinds of questions, but it was the reality I lived.

“If he isn’t already dead, I promise you I’ll kill him myself, Annalise,” he whispered and caressed my face with his thumbs. “Even though it can’t erase your pain away, it will make you feel better. I will fucking end his life, trust me when I say it.”

“I don’t want you to kill him, I want you to help me understand why it happened to me. What did I do wrong for him to hurt me so much,” I whispered and I put my hands on his.

“A child could never do something to instigate that treatment. He was unstable, a maniac, and a pedophile, Anna. You did nothing wrong, and nothing is wrong with you.”

His words were like stitches to my wounds, but the pain wasn’t going anywhere. I was just dealing with it.

“It was horrible,” I said, making a little pause. “Once I stepped in this house and I saw the hallway, everything came to me. And once I opened my eyes and saw the ceiling of this room, the memories flooded my mind, and I remembered everything,” I added and sighed deeply.

“Your father knew something if he forbade us from coming here. Your aunt told me this,” he replied and his answer made me furrow.

“I remembered something about you too,” I replied, chewing my inner cheek.

“What?”

“You always gave me one of the flowers from the vase in the hallway, and Sylvian always came and took you away from me,” I explained, and his mouth opened in shock. “You were nowhere to be found, and everytime he was doing things to me, you were missing. But then, when he was done with me, he suddenly brought you back like nothing happened.”

“A-And what was I doing? Did I say something to you?”

“No. We both kept silent like we didn’t even know each other.”

Just like we did now. We kept silent as we tried to better understand our blurry past.

“Did Sylvian do something to you too?” I asked and put my right hand on his shoulder.

He looked down at me, and I saw how confused and agitated he was by the way his look changed.

“He might’ve, but I can’t remember any of it.”

“Maybe Sylvian is the man from our nightmares, Maksen. What if he?—”

“No!” He exclaimed, and walked away from me.

He put his hands on his head, pulling his hair as he was probably trying to deny the idea that my so-called uncle could have abused him too.

I wished it wasn’t true, but our stories were connecting way too much, and the fact that we both had nightmares of the mysterious man who was chasing or abusing us made me think that it could’ve been true.

Me and Maksen could’ve been abused by this man, and both of our brains chose as a coping mechanism to block our memories and not let us live with the trauma. But forgetting things didn’t prepare us for facing the trauma, and now, we were in a pure agony where we tried to accept that the reality we had been living was a total lie.

“I want to leave this place, but we have nowhere to go,” I said and I stepped towards him.

He was breathing heavily and he kept pulling his hair out of agitation.

“Everywhere we’d go, we could be found by Lukyan or by his people, and I don’t want to face a situation like that now.”

“Maybe aunt Lydia has an idea. Where is she?”

He tilted his head and exhaled deeply, then passed his hands over his face, maybe trying to get out of his mind.

We were the same. When something bothered us, we locked ourselves deep into our minds and planned not to leave there for a long time.

“She’s downstairs. Do you really think she’ll help us? I don’t remember her much, and I have mixed feelings about her,” he said and I nodded, sure of what I know.

“She’ll help us because she always loved me, or at least I hope she did. ”

We looked at each other for the last time before we stepped out of the room and made our way downstairs. I tried not to look around too much because with each step I took, I felt like I was five years old again and my uncle was going to appear at any moment.

Little me didn’t feel safe here, and neither did I.

“Lydia?” I exclaimed, and as soon as we entered the kitchen, I saw her crying beside the kitchen counter, with a bag of pills near her.

“Annalise! Oh, my dear!” she replied and came running to me, taking me into her arms and hugging me tightly.

I hugged her back, even though I was confused about her now. I always considered her to be the mother I never had, just as I considered Olivia, but now that I found out that I was not part of the family and that they both hid it from me, I could no longer feel compassion for them.

They should’ve told me the truth. They should’ve prepared me for the moment when I was going to find out, but they did nothing. They kept lying to me, and maybe they would’ve kept going if it wasn’t for me hearing the discussion between Katya and Lukyan.

It was so strange to call him by his name after all these years when I called him my father.

He was Lukyan Makenova, and I was Annalise, if that was even my real name.

“You have to help us get away from here without my father knowing the location we’ll be going to,” I said as she moved away from me.

She cried a lot in the past hours,considering her swollen eyes and the redness around them. Maybe she was hurting too, but at that moment, I didn’t care about anyone but me and Maksen. I had to be like that, even though my heart didn’t say the same.

“There’s an abandoned cabin in the middle of the forest. The coordinates are on this paper,” she explained and gave me a piece of paper she just took out of her pocket. “Maybe your father forgot about it, so there won’t be any security cameras. He hasn’t ever talked about it since he sent your uncle away. They used to go there after they were finished hunting animals in the forest,” she explained as she kept her hands on me.

“So, Sylvian isn’t dead?”

Maksen’s voice filled the entire kitchen, and both me and Lydia startled.

“No,” she quickly replied, sighing. “He’s hospitalized in a sanatorium.”

The moment I turned around and looked at Maksen, I got frightened. I’d never seen him like that before. His eyes got darker, and his lips curved into a more evil-like grin that made me wonder what exactly was going through his mind. But I knew he was portraying the exact moment when he was going to kill Sylvian. He had it in his blood, and by that I meant killing people who did wrong to others.

“We’ll go to the cabin then.” I told her briefly.

She looked at me attentively, then breathed out and grabbed a key to hand to me.

“We have to talk about everything you found out, Annalise. There’s more for you to know.”

More for me to know.

For fuck’s sake. I wasn’t even able to bear everything that I found out just now, and she wanted to tell me even more than that.

“I can’t do this right now. I need time to process, but thanks for your attempt of honesty. Let’s go.”

I turned on my heels and took Maksen’s hand in mine. We moved out of the house, and the moment I opened the doors, my glance fell on the car we’d come here with.

Maksen opened the door for me and I hopped in on the back seat, then I waited for him to do the same. The driver turned on the engine, and I gave him the little piece of paper I had from Aunt Lydia.

“Take us there.”

He nodded and immediately entered the coordinates in the car’s integrated GPS.

Maksen and I held onto silence throughout the entire journey, yet our hearts talked with each other. I remained uncertain of whether he felt it as well, but the rhythm of my heart made me realize it was a language spoken solely by our unique form of love.

Was it love, or merely the need to escape loneliness in this unforgiving world we lived in?