Testing Recipes for Disaster (Emberwood #2)

Chapter 38- Jeremy

“ W as it, in fact, an emergency? Or may I continue distracting you now?” I asked, letting the last of my water slide down my throat.

“I guess that depends on your definition.”

“Oh.” That sounded more serious. “What’s going on?”

“Tell me, did you ever hear back from the bakery about the job?”

I felt the blood drain from my face as she leveled me with a stare.

“I take it you already know the answer to that question, or you wouldn’t be asking it.”

“I’d like to hear it from you, though. Instead of in a stream-of-consciousness text thread from Sam, who assumed I already knew.”

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I briefly wondered if Jesse had been forced to give up my secret or if something else had happened.

Not the point.

I took a deep breath.

“It’s not a complex story, Laur. Delaney, the owner, was at the bar the night Charlie happened. And I already told you I had to disclose my previous misdemeanor for fighting, and well, that made it look like I was the same guy now that I was then. So, she had every right not to hire me. I sent her an apology email and moved on.”

“You...you understand why this is a problem, right? You not sharing any of that with me?”

My heart was racing now, all the lighthearted bantering from earlier forgotten.

“I didn’t want you to worry about it. It’s not like I lost my actual job. It was a hypothetical part-time gig, and it would have been awesome to get experience somewhere, but it didn’t work out. Sometimes things don’t.”

I reached for her hand, but she yanked it away. I sucked in a breath. That might as well have been a punch to the stomach. She was shaking her head, and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. I needed to fix it, but I had no idea what to say.

“But this thing would have if it wasn’t for me, right? Like if my stupid choices hadn’t led to Charlie in the bar, you’d have the job you wanted and be closer to leaving the garage.”

“Laur, that’s not even a thing that crossed my mind. I chose to put my hands on him. Anything resulting from that is on me. And he deserved it. I can’t think that I would feel better if I’d let him walk away. I would feel like I’d failed you.”

“ That! That right there. You did it for me . To protect me or for my honor or something. And Jer, I appreciate you being there for me, but you can’t do this! You can’t keep things from me that are important and like, impacting your life. It...it feels like you don’t trust me with real shit. Like I’m a fucking helpless damsel over here who constantly needs saving, which, fair point, I have needed saving recently. And you’ve been here, and it’s made me fall—it’s made me feel safe with you. But the whole time, it hasn’t been real because it hasn’t been a two-way street.”

My entire body froze when she spoke. Because it sounded like she was about to say she loved me. And if I fucked that up with this stupid god damned omission, I would never forgive myself. Tears were on her cheeks and clinging to her jaw. I wanted to touch her, to pull her into me, but I didn’t want her to turn away again, so I stayed put.

“Laur, please don’t cry. I can’t even tell you what it’s been like for me...being someone worth trusting. Being someone you can call when things go wrong is everything to me. I have never been that. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you about the job. I don’t want you to feel like I don’t trust you with real things. I do trust you. With everything.”

I reached for her involuntarily, and she stepped back reflexively. I withdrew and shoved my hands in my pockets.

“Me crying doesn’t mean you have to save me, Jer. I’m crying because I’m so fucking angry! At myself mostly, but I’m also so pissed at you for not telling me. You’ve pulled the rug out from under me, and I don’t know what we’re doing here. I’m obviously not good for you, and you clearly have no sense of self-preservation.”

“Whoa, whoa, baby, stop. This one thing is not some sort of sign that we’re not good together. We are fucking great together. Don’t do that. Don’t start questioning our entire relationship because of one mistake. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I should have told you that night. Things were so tense already. But I had plenty of time to tell you after. And I didn’t. I’m sorry. I will apologize however you want me to; just please don’t tell me this isn’t real because it’s the realest thing I’ve ever had.” I was choking on my words by the end. She owned my heart, and she was dangerously close to demolishing it.

She took a deep breath. Then another. And another. Her tears were drying, and her voice was steadier.

“I will wait until I’m calm before I say anything else. But I need you to leave. Take your kitchen stuff. I’ll go to my room so you can pack it up.”

The only thing I read in her face was resolve. I wasn’t going to change her mind on this right now, but thinking about walking away and leaving things this way was enough to make me want to crawl out of my skin.

“Can I call you later?”

“Please don’t. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk to you.” Her words sounded watery at the end of her sentence, and it was enough to bring the tears I’d pushed down right back up again.

“Okay. Just know that I do not want to leave right now. I want to stay and talk to you and fix this.”

“Noted.”

With that, she went upstairs and closed her bedroom door softly. All of my muscles were coiled like springs, and I clenched my fists until they hurt. I tried to calm down in vain, but I managed to get grocery bags from her pantry and haphazardly pack up most of my stuff, though I left the cake in her freezer because moving all of it could be a disaster.

I threw everything in my trunk and sat in my car for longer than was probably appropriate. I was willing her to text me to come back or to see me sitting outside and come out. Eventually, I felt like I could drive without being a danger to anyone else on the road and headed toward my apartment.

How had I fucked this up so badly?