The Burden of a Scottish Chieftain (Clans of Mull #2)

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Meg

As they rowed back across the sound after returning the horses, so many thoughts swirled in Meg’s mind that she couldn’t decide what to say first. She loved Lennox, but had she made a mistake handfasting with him? It wasn’t Lennox that worried her, it was his status. Peering up at the majestic castle they were approaching, she had no idea what she would do as wife to the chieftain of such a large clan. She needn’t have worried about what to say because Lennox started everything for her.

“Meg, stay with me. Marry me. We can make it official.”

“Nay, I cannot yet.”

“Why? I’ve waited for you all my life. You’re a part of me now.”

“Because I have to find Tamsin. Please be patient. I must find my sister first.” And herself. She had to find out exactly who she was and what she wanted. Mull, Ulva, Oban, Drimnin. She’d been more places in a fortnight than she had in her life. Her head spun with all that had taken place over such a short time. More places, more castles, more people.

They landed on the coast, and the two got out, their conversation uncomfortable but something necessary. They returned the boat to the boathouse and gathered their belongings, then faced each other.

“Why, Meg? Stay here. I’m sure Tamsin will visit, but we can wait a fortnight or a moon to marry if you like. Get to know each other better.” He stepped toward her and attempted to pull her in close, but she wouldn’t allow it.

“Lennox, I know we handfasted and I accept it, and do love you with all my heart, but I’m confused. Overwhelmed? In due time, I will return to stay with you and take my rightful place here as your wife, but now, more than anything, I need to see my sister. And I’d like to spend some time alone with her. We need to talk, get to know each other again. I promise that I will come back.”

“I will remember that, though I’m happy to give you whatever time you need to be alone with her right here at our castle. I don’t need to listen to your conversations. Bring her here.”

Stepping back, she said, “You don’t understand. Without my sister, I am no one. All my life, she is the only one who cared about me, who cared for me, who cared if I lived or died. I’m nobody without her.”

“You just saved four bairns from a life of drudgery and pain. I’d say you are someone, Meg.”

She whirled away from him. “I’m leaving, Lennox. I need to go. I’m sorry. Tamsin has a daughter who she cannot leave. It’s too difficult for me to explain what I feel deep inside, but I must see my sister on my own.”

“Wait,” he called out. “A sennight, please?”

Spinning back to face him, she said, “Nay. I’m going now because I have to. And I’m not changing my mind because some man told me I should. This is not about you, but about me. I know that having spent your entire life as a chieftain or the heir to a chieftain, you’ve been given your way in most things. Been waited on. Had people cheer you on. Have been the one to order others around and never been refused. Been thanked for things you have done. I’ve had none of that. I cannot explain…”

She tugged her hair behind her head, trying to restore her plait. “Lennox, I don’t know who I am. What we’ve had, it’s been wonderful. You are wonderful, but I must find my sister. She was the only positive thing in my life before I met you. Don’t you see? I need to process all that has happened. Not be defined by who my husband is or what clan I’m in. I was just set free from a life of hard work. I need to understand myself, and as much as I love you, you don’t know me well enough to help me with that, but Tamsin does.”

Lennox’s shocked expression hit her in the gut, but it was time someone told him. Even though she loved him, she wasn’t going to give up her life for a spoiled chieftain.

She stepped closer and cupped his cheek. “You have given me so much, opened my heart to so much. Please, I beg you, allow me this without arguing. It does not mean I do not love you. I do. But I love Tamsin too. I need her help in sorting my life out. I feel lost, overwhelmed.” She kissed his lips, but the tension emanated from him. “Remember that there is ten summers’ difference in our ages. You have seen so much more than me.”

“I’m not spoiled,” he ground out, his jaw ticking. “I’m a hardworking, responsible chieftain whose leadership takes care of many people in our village.”

“Of course you do, but allow me to explain what I mean. My mother died when I was seven summers, and ever since then, I’d get up before dawn, make porridge for my father, then prepare a sack of food for him to take on his journey wherever he was going. The rest of my day I might plant seeds, pull weeds, sew the holes in our clothing, wash the clothing, clean the floors, the pans, the dishes. Make our own gowns. Peel vegetables to soak in a pot. Chop vegetables. Skin and cut up rabbits and squirrels. Have you ever done any of those things, Lennox? Any of them?”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. “Wait, I’ve skinned animals. My sire forced me to do it when I was young.”

She smiled and squeezed his arm. Her voice turned low as she leaned in. “And when my sire returned home, he would check everything and decide which of us deserved a swat, a fist, or the paddle. Which was your father’s preferred method?”

He barely shook his head, but enough for her to know that he’d gotten her message. But she still wasn’t finished.

“Then he married my sister off, so all the chores were mine alone. Alone. All the time Tamsin was gone, I was alone, and I missed her. Every. Single. Moment of every day. Then my father chose a husband for me who was more than twice my age and spent his time drooling whenever he looked at me. He never asked me my opinion. Never asked if I was ready to marry. Never asked if I liked the man. Instead, my father chose him, told me the day before I was to marry, and the last comment was the worst. My father made him promise to work me hard. Why? What did I ever do to anger my father to treat me so? I don’t know.

“If that’s how I lived my life, how can I ever be good at the job of a chieftain’s wife? I have no idea what to do each day. How could I handle the chores? Handle the staff? Know what needs to be done on a daily basis?”

“I’m not worried about that because you are intelligent and caring. Those are the two only requirements in my eyes. And if you wish to run away somewhere, know that I’ll run away with you, Meg.”

“You’d do that for me?” Tears sprang to her eyes at the thought that this man would do anything she asked. It was indeed proof that he had deep feelings for her.

“I would. I love you with every part of my being. I would rather live as a pauper with you than live in a castle without you.”

She nearly cried over that because it was such a powerful statement, another reason to love Lennox MacVey. “I will think of you and that comment every night before I close my eyes.” Perhaps she’d told him too much. It didn’t matter. Her feelings were difficult to explain, but she needed Tamsin to help her sort her life out. On how to be a wife, how to love a man, how to be a mistress of a castle, how to believe in herself. “I don’t even comprehend how the world works. Only the small one I was in, and I hated it. I wish to find a life of happiness, but I think I need my sister to help me work through it. Please don’t take this as rejection, but postponement.” She reached for him and placed her head on his shoulder. “I love you, Lennox, but this is something I must do.”

He nodded, the click in his jaw bothering her again, but he was holding her, not pushing her away. “I will wait for you, lass. Thank you for explaining, and I do understand better, but please don’t make me wait forever. I’ll support whatever you choose to do now.”

“I must find my sister. I have to follow my heart because I have nothing else to follow.” She stepped closer and stood on her tiptoes, kissing his lips. “I do love you. It will always be you, Lennox MacVey. You’ve shown me gentleness, joy, and happiness. Those three things I’ve had to learn again because I lost them for so many years. Now I must determine if I deserve those things. Tell your mother I appreciate all she did for me.”

“Ah, lass,” he whispered, pulling her close to kiss her forehead. “You deserve so much more. But I love you, so I have no choice.”

Confused by his last comment, she held his hand and tipped her head.

“I have to let you go. You’ve taught me more about strength and the capacity to love than anyone I know. You have it deep inside. You just don’t know it. Go see your sister, but promise me that if you need anything, you will send for me.”

“I will. My thanks for all your gifts.”

He gave her that lopsided grin she loved so.

“Lennox, I think I have more to give, so I’ll save it all for you.”

Lennox said, “I will escort you to MacQuarie land. Please do not try to deny me this. I’ll keep my distance, but I’ll not sleep unless I know you’ve arrived safely. After all that has taken place, I must know you are safe. Once I rest my horse, I promise to return. And I would love to meet your sister and your niece.”

“You mean our niece?” She made her way up to the back of the castle. “I will accept that. Stay for a brief repast and then return. I need to be alone, be with my sister.”

She didn’t understand the quandary in her heart—she needed to step away from him for a bit, yet she loved him.

What the hell was wrong with her?