The Christmas You Crash (Going Rogue #2)

Chapter 22

twenty-two

RYDER

Is there a leak in the roof?

It takes a moment to remember where I am as water drops onto my face and draws me out of sleep.

I fell asleep on Lexi’s lap. Her fingers still slip through my hair as the end of It’s a Wonderful Life plays on the screen. It feels so good that I don’t want to sit up and figure out where the water is coming from. I don’t want to break whatever spell this is. I haven’t felt this relaxed or content since my mom would run her fingers through my hair as I rested my head on her lap.

But then a sniffle breaks through my reminiscing, followed by a slight shuddering of Lexi’s body, and the bubble I’m in pops. I sit up slowly, all my attention on the beautiful, teary-eyed woman beside me.

Shit. Why is she crying?

“Lexi? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Wiping another tear away with the side of my finger, I wrap her in my arms and drag her onto my lap.

“N-nothing’s wrong,” she says through soft sobs.

I can’t help it. I chuckle. This woman.

“It looks like something’s wrong,” I say, trying to keep my humor at bay. “Talk to me.”

She sniffles again, then tries to dab discreetly at her face and nose with the sleeve of her sweater. “Seriously, I’m fine. It’s this damned m-movie.” Her breath hitches again before her face crumples and she sobs for real. Is she really this sad because of the movie? I mean, sure, it’s moving, and the end is definitely on the emotional side, but she’s sobbing. Even if it is just because of the film, I hate seeing her cry. It grates against the inside of my ribs and makes my stomach bottom out.

So, I do what I can and hold her tighter. I press slow kisses to her temple and rub circles on her skin with my thumbs.

“God, this movie is so sad. Seriously. Why does it have to be so sad?”

We’ve reached the end, where George Bailey and his family are surrounded by friends and family who’ve come together to save him from ruin. It’s not a sad part. It’s happy.

“They all love each other so much.” She hiccups, another tear streaking down her cheek.

Ah. I get it now.

“And that’s sad?”

Her slim fingers splay across my bare chest. “Obviously.”

Fighting a chuckle, I hum low in my throat. “I get it. Sometimes I almost forget that I don’t have any family left, and then some sappy-ass advertisement will play, showing big, happy families, and it’s like I’m right back to the way I felt when my parents died.”

Lexi’s body goes completely still.

Shit. I did not mean to say that. I hate when people find out I’ve lost both of my parents. Hate it. The look of pity. The what happened -s. But with Lexi, those feelings are less oppressive. Maybe because she has her own familial crap to deal with. Maybe because we’ve been trapped in this cabin together for days and we’re both feeling a bit raw. Or maybe she just puts me completely at ease. Whatever it is, the train’s left the station and there’s no backing it up.

Her voice is so soft, her eyes so wide. “Ryder.”

I give her another squeeze and rest my cheek on her forehead. With a sigh, I explain. “My dad died four years ago. Heart attack. It was totally sudden, and they tell me it would have been quick and relatively painless.” Her fingers stroke my chest slowly with featherlight touches. It’s comforting, but my voice still sticks in my throat. “I was away at college.”

“Shit,” she whispers. No sorry, no pity, no platitudes. Just a quiet curse that somehow says it all.

Sighing, I slump against her, tightening my hold. “Yep. Shit is right. I wasn’t there when he passed away. He was alone, and I was at some stupid party, thinking how great life was because a few girls were vying for my attention, and I felt like a big man, you know?” So stupid. All of it was so stupid. None of that ever mattered, but after losing my dad, it mattered even less.

“But that’s what you’re supposed to do in college,” Lexi tells me with a soft certainty that nearly destroys me. “I don’t think he’d blame you, Ryder. I bet he’d be happy knowing you were out there, living your life and figuring out who you were. Having some stupid fun.”

She’s probably right. My dad always worried I was too serious after my mom died. That I didn’t laugh as much as I used to. That I worked too hard at hockey at too young an age. By the time I hit high school and college, I was still busting my ass to be the best, but I’d lightened up some too. I started allowing myself to have fun, go to parties, be a stupid kid every once in a while.

Still, the guilt eats me alive some nights. It’s why I don’t see the appeal when guys on the team go out to bars and clubs, night after night. They go with the goal of getting drunk and sleeping with a beautiful woman they’ll never have to see again. It’s fine if that’s what works for them. I’m not one to judge. But all that stuff feels hollow to me. So, I never go. I’ll hang out with them when they choose to do other things. Griffin Wright, our first-line left winger throws barbecues at his place sometimes, and I love hanging out with my teammates at those. Just like I’m looking forward to New Year’s Eve at Maddox’s place. Those guys are solid.

I’m searching for something real, I guess. Without my parents, I’m missing those deeper connections, and when Chase Bowen and I fell out in college, it wrecked me. I still don’t understand what happened there. One minute, we’re inseparable. Best friends. The next, my dad had died and Chase became a raging asshole. Now, every time I see him, we end up brawling instead of catching up. I hate it. Though, I suppose I owe him a thanks for injuring my hand. After all, I never would have met Lexi if he hadn’t.

Scrubbing said hand through my hair, I give Lexi a bit more of my truth. “He never got to see me play in the NHL. Didn’t even know I’d gotten drafted. There was some talk among a few teams when I started college—a couple of them were vying pretty heavily for my attention—but I didn’t sign with the Rogues until after he died.”

Lexi’s warm body presses into me, her arms wrapping around my waist to squeeze me tightly. I draw strength from it and continue.

“The Rogues were always his favorite team. He’d take me on weekend trips to see games whenever he could.” God, those were some of my favorite times. Still are. He’d buy a ton of junk food from the concession stand, and we’d spend the whole game cheering and picking apart the best plays so I could try to replicate them at home.

“Where did you grow up?” Lexi asks.

“Milwaukee. So, not super far away or anything, but far enough that we’d make a weekend out of it.”

She hums, and it vibrates against my chest, tickling slightly. “I bet that was fun.”

I don’t miss the melancholy in her tone. Did Coach Cross ever do anything like that with her? Did he take road trips with her to see a play or go to some concert she was excited about? I want to ask, but I don’t. “It was. He worked so hard to pay for my hockey stuff, and I was old enough to realize it. So, when we went away for the weekend, it just felt like... Well, like I was the most important person in the world, you know?”

She hums again, and I almost miss her whispered no . It makes my chest ache.

“Do you have any other family?” she asks.

I nod against her head. “Yeah, I have an aunt and uncle and a couple cousins out in California. We’re not really close, because they were my mom’s family. When she died, we kind of lost contact, you know?”

“Yeah. My parents are both only children, so I never had any aunts or uncles. I guess I never thought about how much that might suck when they die...”

Well, this all got really dark. Time to turn it around. It’s Christmas, after all. And I don’t want to scare Lexi away. She’s skittish enough. As if it’s in on my plans to get us off the topic of parental death, my stomach chooses that moment to growl so loudly, it actually echoes around the arched ceiling. Lexi giggles, and the way her body shakes in my lap has me fighting a hard-on.

This is not the time.

“Guess I’m kinda hungry,” I say sheepishly.

Lexi laughs. The sound is bright and vibrant, and I relax against her. “Come on. Let’s figure out what to make.”

Even though we’re a tangle of limbs, we manage to get up without falling over. I instantly miss Lexi’s warmth. I miss the soft yet solid feel of her in my arms. But she’s letting herself touch me more. I doubt this will be the last time I get to hold Lexi Cross. Hell, I’ll make sure it isn’t.

“I wish we had stuff to make sugar cookies.” They’re not on our nutrition plan, but sugar cookies go with Christmas like peanut butter goes with jelly. “A couple of weeks ago, me and some of the other guys decorated a batch. They were the ugliest things you’ve ever seen, but they tasted so good.” I chuckle, remembering. I tell her how Griffin made a snowman with a carrot dick instead of a carrot nose. Maddox whacked him upside the head when he saw it.

Lexi laughs so hard, she nearly chokes on her own saliva. “You hockey players are such little boys sometimes.”

“Yeah. Suppose we are,” I say. No sense denying it. “Still, I’d kill for a cookie.”

“Actually, we might have everything we need to make some,” Lexi says once she’s done choking. “I bet there’s even stuff to make royal icing.”

“Really?” Sugar cookies and an afternoon with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met? Best Christmas ever.

She nods. “I’ll check, but I think so.”

Making Christmas cookies with the guys was fun. But making them with Lexi? I don’t think there could be anything sweeter.