The Coast is Clear (Breakaway Shores #1)

Izzy

Grown

The boys were in bed, and I was ready to get in the shower with Zander. I walked into my room and stopped in the doorway. I could tell by the way he was sitting on the edge of the bed, picking at his nails, that something was different. Off. I leaned against the frame of the door. “What is it?”

His head flicked up quickly. “I got a call from my agent. They’re offering me a commentator gig for Thursday night.”

“That’s a big night for football,” I said simply. I could see it written all over his face. We hadn’t known each other for long, but we’d spent almost every day together. “ So, you want to do it?”

Zander scoffed and rubbed his palms on his pants. “No. I was just telling you.”

“Okay. But that sounds like something you’d enjoy doing. It’s like the podcast your friend has but better, and you’d be right there at the games.” I closed the door behind me and walked toward the bathroom. “Don’t not do it just because of me.”

I didn’t wait for him, hoping that he’d follow me inside like he had after we’d woken up from our nap. My stomach twisted as I turned on the shower, the water steaming up the mirror. Zander was still in the bedroom. I poked my head past the door frame. He was still in the same spot, his eyes down on his hands again. “You coming?”

Zander didn’t look up. “No, but I’ll be here when you get out.”

Warning bells rang out in my head, the feeling so shrill throughout my body. How was this the same day? Just this morning, we’d said I love you for the first time, and now, I could see the wheels turning in his head. He didn’t feel like he could pursue his dreams and now do what he wanted to do. Even if I told him, I wanted him to do it.

I got in the shower, and I let the water pelt my scalp, closing my eyes. I’d wanted it to be a long shower where we’d talk and stand together with the water, keeping both of us warm. But I worked quickly, cleaning my hair and washing off my body. I turned off the water and heard the murmur of the TV coming from my bedroom. I got ready quickly, trying to stop myself from thinking. I didn’t want to think about it or overthink any of it.

Zander was a grown man. He could make this decision for himself, right?

I plastered a smile on my face, my wet hair brushed back and went out into the room. The lamps were turned off, and Zander was lying in the bed, his arms behind his head. He glanced over at me as I crawled in, and the look on his face almost made me freeze. It was half love but almost anguish. He was upset. And I didn’t know what to do to fix it.

I slid under the covers, moved over to him, and placed my head on his chest. He brought a hand down to grab mine, but I didn’t say anything.

He’d put on the cooking show, the only one that I liked watching, and we watched as the four chefs were given disgusting canned seafood ingredients to use. “Canned squid? That just doesn’t seem fair at all,” Zander grumbled, his chest vibrating underneath me.

“I bet it takes like metal.” The beat of my heart quickened. I pushed out a breath. “Zander, I feel like you want to do the commentator job. You seem almost upset about it.”

Zander squeezed my fingers. “I don’t want to do it. I was just telling you, being open with what’s going on. I’m not going anywhere.” His tone was hard, and it had an end-of-story vibe. And I wanted to keep going, to make him admit that he was not being completely honest with me .

But I didn’t press the issue. We lay together and watched the cooking show until his breathing deepened, and he started to snore. I pulled away, resting on my own pillow, and watched him sleep.

When Jack died, I knew that dating again would be incredibly challenging. I knew that it would be a huge ask to find a man who wanted to be with a widow, to step into a parenting role to two kids that weren’t his, and overhaul his life to fit all of that. It’s why I pushed dating to the side for so long.

But with Zander, it had been easy.

We fit together, and the boys liked him. It didn’t feel like I was forcing him to be with us. But now, reality was starting to settle in. He still had things he wanted to do. He wanted to accomplish things in life, just like I did. I didn’t want to feel like a burden to him.

I didn’t want my boys to feel like a burden, either.

I rolled to the side and tried to fight the sound of the tiny wall that I’d knocked aside for Zander. The sound of it being repaired built back up because I didn’t want to risk being left on purpose.

The little cabin wasn’t really that little. There was an upstairs loft, where the bunk beds for the boys were, and two rooms were downstairs. It was a great weekend to faux-camp, and the boys were so excited. The KOA had everything within walking distance, and it felt like freedom for the boys. Our cabin was right near the kids’ section, and Zander had walked them over there so they could jump on the big bounce pillow.

Zander had been quiet this morning, and I was trying to act as normally as possible. But something felt just a bit different like there was more distance between us than normal.

“That’s the last of the food,” Luke said as he dropped another bag in the little kitchen. The counter space was nonexistent, and there was just a two-burner countertop stove with a small fridge. It was rustic, but it would work. The boys were banking on roasting marshmallows and hotdogs for dinner anyway. I grabbed the bag from my brother and began to put the few perishables away. “Is everything okay with you and Zand?”

“Yup.” My answer was too quick. “Why would something be wrong?”

Luke eyed me carefully as I turned around. “He seems quiet. Like more broody than normal.”

I shrugged. “He got a job opportunity, but he’s not taking it. I think he’s upset he can’t, but he won’t tell me that. I’m trying not to press the issue, but I just….Yeah.” I wasn’t going to unload on my brother about his friend. I wasn’t going to tell him that I felt like I was already weighing Zander down, and we were only dating.

“Do you want me to talk to him?” Luke asked, and I immediately shook my head.

“No, it’ll be fine.”

But it wasn’t really proving to be that way. The boys came back, all covered in sand from the volleyball pit. They were laughing and giggling, wanting to then go for a swim. We got ready to go in the pool, but Zander decided to stay behind. I had fun splashing the boys, carrying Kingston most of the time, and watching Christian jump off the edge to Luke. But I felt Zander’s absence.

When we got back to the cabin, I heard muffled voices coming from the room that we were sharing. I went up to the door as Luke helped the boys look through their backpacks for new clothes. It was hard to make anything out, but I thought I heard the word Thursday and hand-picked. A pit formed in my stomach. I wouldn’t be able to handle knowing that he gave up an opportunity to be with me. Christian called my name and I tried to push it to the back of my mind. I was going to enjoy this night. We were only here one night.

The boys were antsy, not caring that it wasn’t dark yet and demanding a fire be built. I handed Luke the lighter and the two bundles of firewood that we bought at the KOA store. Building fires wasn’t really his thing, but the boys enjoyed blowing on the sparks and helping him until the flames were strong.

Luke handed them each a roasting stick and a hot dog. I sat down in one of the camping chairs we brought and glanced behind us at the cabin. Zander was still inside. “How was your day with Mom?” I asked him. Kingston hyper-focused on his hot dog while Christian tried to set a perfect amount of weight on his stick so he didn’t have to hold it anymore.

“It was, well, a day with Mom.” Luke chuckled. “I know she’s a lot, and I agree with you that she is. But I feel obligated, I guess, to at least try to have a relationship with her. Even if it is surface level.”

“She always liked you better.”

“Yeah, I don’t know why,” Luke said, poking another hot dog onto the metal stick. He handed it to me, and his eyes flickered to the cabin. “Hey, buddy. You’re just in time for some grub.”

“Great.” Zander’s voice was gruff, and my appetite disappeared. I wanted to rush over to him, to wrap my arms around him, but I stayed put. I held my hot dog over the fire as he came around to the other side of the fire pit, sitting in between the two boys.

I avoided his gaze, not sure if I could handle seeing the truth in his eyes, and watched as the skin of my hot dog began to bubble.