The Coast is Clear (Breakaway Shores #1)

Izzy

All is Lost

“You’re freaking out?” Zander asked, his tone sharp.

“No. I’m just thinking—I’ve been thinking about this, us, and I don’t want to be the one who holds you down. I don’t want my boys to be the ones that hold you down. It’s fun now, with them, because you can take a break whenever you want, but when you’re a parent, you can’t. You know that. There are no breaks, and it’s exhausting. They have to be the focus, the most important thing, and you still have so much you want to do. I know you want to do this podcast and this commentator job, and I can’t stand in the way of that.” Zander took a step toward me, but I held up my hand. “We’re moving into your house. That won’t be your house anymore in two weeks. I know you said you’d still be here, but that just seems so inconvenient. You were going to move. Get a new start. We’ve been ignoring the reality of our situation, and I think it’s best this way.”

My heart rebelled against me, tearing open at the broken way he looked at me. “, it doesn’t—"

“Yes, it does. It’s okay. I—" I wanted to tell him that I loved him. That I would miss him but none of it felt fair. None of it felt right at that moment. I wasn’t sure what cosmic joke was being played on me. That the first man I would love after my husband died on me would also end with my heart breaking. But I guess I was the one doing the breaking.I didn’t even really know why I was doing it. Why I was forcing it all to end. Trying to push him away, just to save myself any more hurt.

The rain was falling harder now, which just fit my mood perfectly. I moved down the sandy path, needing to see the ocean. I didn't bring a raincoat. My mind had been busy rehearsing what I wanted to say, so the raindrops fell right into my scalp. The air was warm thick with moisture.

My thighs burned as I made my way up the final hill, tall grass on either side of me, and then I could hear the waves. I stopped for a moment and looked out at the angry sea. The clouds were dark, darker than normal, and I let my feet slide and slip as I moved down the sharp decline. I spotted someone to my right, farther down the beach, but saw no one else. This was where I could cry it out. Zander would take the job. He’d started the summer wanting to move, to start somewhere new, and I don’t think that really changed. He was going to leave the small seaside town sometime. My boys needed stability. Someone who could be there reliably.

They needed that guy. I needed him, too.

I stopped in the sand, shoving my hands in the pocket of my sweatshirt, and watched the waves crash against the shore. My hair flew around my head, but I didn’t do anything to stop it.

My chest felt terrible. Tight and achy, and I felt a twinge of nausea. But I was going to be okay. I’d felt like this before, even worse than this, when those two police officers had showed up at my door. If I could make it through that, I could make it through losing Zander.

A hand gripped my shoulder, and panic overwhelmed me. I twisted around, Zander’s face filling my vision. His skin was slick from the rain, and it felt like a storm raged inside his green eyes. “We were not done talking.”

It took all my effort to not touch him, to not throw my arms around him and be held by him. “I don’t know what else to say,” I said, my voice quiet against the roar of the waves.

“You are not holding me down. The boys are not holding me down, and you seem to be conveniently forgetting that I was a parent to my niece. I know what it’s like to always put someone else before myself. Which is something you’re really good at, almost too good. Because this whole speech, this decision you’ve made for the both of us, is you putting whatever you think I need first.” I opened my mouth to speak, but he held up a hand. “We don’t need to break up. I don’t want that. I just want you.”

I couldn’t tell if I was crying or not, the rain falling down my cheeks. Zander’s hand was still on my shoulder, and I wanted badly to let him pull me closer. “I just can’t let my boys get hurt again.”

Zander let out a breath, his gaze moving out to the horizon. “And why am I going to hurt them?”

He dropped his hand, and I wanted it back. “You’re leaving, moving out, and we’re moving in. You’ve got these awesome jobs coming up. How do we fit in with that?”

Zander met my eyes, and I knew we should have had this conversation before. “It would be one overnight a week during the regular season. It’s not that much time.”

I nodded, fully aware that I was crying now. “And that’s okay. But what happens when you rock, and they want you for this show and that game? It’ll be more than just one night, and I can’t let the boys be strung along. If it was just me, I’d let you string me along for as long as you’d like. But I can’t with them.”

“So, you think the answer is to break up?” he asked, his voice so heartbreakingly sad.

A sob broke through my chest, and Zander stepped closer to me, wrapping his arms around me. I sank into him, relishing in his warmth. I never wanted to forget how it felt to be held by him. The strength of his arms. The hardness of his chest and the way he nuzzled his face against my head. I’d remember this. The raindrops started to lighten up, and I pushed myself away from him just enough to look up at him. His eyes were glassy, and his hand ran across my cheek. I leaned close, standing on my toes, and pressed my lips as lightly as I could to his. We kissed on the beach for the first time. Why not for the last time?

The thought broke my heart, and I let him hold me. I rested my head on his chest, my hands tightly wound behind his back until the rain had stopped, and all I could hear was the sound of his heart and the crashing of the waves.