The Dirty Saint (Dirty #1)

18. Chapter Eighteen

18

Chapter Eighteen

After

EZRA

July 5, 2023

Dear Diary,

I recently read a quote that says, “Grief is the price we pay for love.” How ironic.

I know I have a past and secrets that follow me around and enough baggage to weigh someone else down. It’s just that I’ve always thought that someone out there must have a fucked-up enough heart to want me.

Dr. Safiya tells me that I have a history of falling in love with the people that have hurt me because I’ve never seen myself as someone deserving of happiness. She’s probably right. But the people who have hurt me are also the ones that are the most broken and it’s easy to relate to someone when you, yourself, aren’t put together.

I feel like I keep repeating myself. Saying the same things over and over again, hoping to get a new outcome. I wish my life were a freaking movie where I can create the script and everything on the page can come true. Maybe then my tears wouldn’t smudge the still-wet ink.

I’m trying. I’m trying really hard to heal and to glue whatever pieces I have left back together. But it isn’t working. I am still having nightmares. I can still feel Caleb, Tono, Killian, and Dom inside me as if they never left.

Is this how it’s going to be forever? Am I always going to be one step away from falling apart?

If that’s the case, at one point, do I just accept it and move on?

* * *

“This is really good, Ez. Did you write this?”

I grab Noah’s toys and place them in the bin tucked in the crook of my arm. “What are you doing here, Mom?”

“I came to apologize.”

I sneer. “I’m sure you did. Now, tell me, what’s Dad doing in my driveway?”

My mother looks around and then follows my gaze to the window. I make sure to point out the car lights.

“Unless you suddenly stopped being able to drive, I don’t see why Dad had to come all the way here.”

My mother fiddles with her fingers, uneasy.

“He wanted to see you and Noah.”

I place the toy-filled bin on the floor in the closet and close the doors shut.

“He was with us last night.”

Giselle Maya shrugs.

“I guess he wanted to be with you again.”

I roll my eyes until they’re sore.

My mother really thinks that I don’t know her all these years later. That I don’t recognize her tried and true habits as if they haven’t been what has driven a wedge between the two of us.

It was either that or my conception.

“Ezra, I want you to know that I’m…s orry. ”

My mother walks towards me, but I raise my hands to stop her from coming closer.

“Ezra—”

“Please, don’t,” I say.

“What—”

“I need some space to breathe.” I walk towards the fridge. “And to think.”

My mother sits down on the couch, motioning for me to do the same. When I refuse, concern makes its way onto her face.

“You think I’m broken. Damaged . That I’m not the same girl you raised. But the truth is, that innocence didn’t go away until…until he died right in front of me.”

I haven’t talked about the day Joey passed because it hurts too much to remember that moment, and I don’t have the strength to keep going through it again.

Once is more than enough.

“I get that you don’t understand why I loved Joey, and I’m not asking you to. God knows I don’t have a good explanation myself. But I want you to at least acknowledge that relationship and not shun me or judge me for it.”

Tears fill Giselle Maya’s eyes, and she swipes them away.

“Mom—”

“I want to know everything,” she whispers to me. “Every detail, every…p art of what you went through.”

“No,” I shake my head. “You don’t.”

“Ezra, please ,” my mother begs.

I lean my head against the wall, hoping that it can calm down my heart before the ravenous beating kills me.

“If I do, it will destroy you. You won’t be able to sleep at night. You won’t be able to live with that information, and just when you think you’ve forgotten, your mind will bring it up again just to fuck with you. I don’t think you understand how bad it truly was.”

“Then help me,” my mother grabs my hands, and this time I don’t pull them away. “ Help me.”

“Why do you suddenly care,” I ask.

My mother pulls something out of her pocket and hands it to me gently.

“What is this,” I ask.

“It’s a photograph from when you were younger. You were five. I know that because I bought you this dress for your birthday party.” She takes a breath. “It was also the first time I had ever gotten physical with you.”

Before my mother can get the last word out, sobs are raging out of her like she’s being exorcised. Years of guilt wash over her like an ocean, and she lays her head in her hands to quiet her pain.

“I’m so sorry, Ezra,” she wails. “I’m so sorry for all of it.”

I don’t know how to react. The apologies, the regrets— it’s too much to process all at once.

“Mom—”

“What did Michael Santo and his men do to you?”

During

JOEY

Dom rips Ezra’s pants off of her, along with her underwear, causing the most sacred part of her to be on display.

I swear I’m gonna kill him. The second I get out of these chains, I am going to squeeze his body until it snaps in my constraint.

“Tono told me about your little ‘fingering’ situation and how you did it right in front of him. God, it made me so mad. But then I thought: I could still have my fun. You’ve got more than one hole; it’s just too bad I only have one dick.”

The anxiety stirs inside Ezra, and she looks to me for guidance. I shake my head, unable to do anything but silently pray that what I think is going to happen doesn’t actually happen.

“Now I know Tono might be slightly on the older side, but he’s still got it. His wife told me that he can work it in the ass like no other.”

“So feel free to tell that she can have that all to herself,” Ezra snaps. “She doesn’t need to share.”

Dom laughs before taking one her nipples in between his mouth and sucking it hard. Everything in me twists and turns, urging me to go out there and stop my friend from fucking my girl.

“Joey has had his sights on you since the moment he got the job. But when he brought you home, and I got my first look, I was immediately taken aback.” Dom places his hand on Ezra’s heart. “It’s beating for me, baby girl. You want me as much as I want you.”

Ezra is seething. “You wish.”

Dom nods, waving Tono over. When he makes his way towards her, he places his hands on her hips and adjusts himself. Ezra shakes her head, her body thrashing in her chains, causing the room to rumble.

“Tell me, Ezra, have you ever been fucked by two men at the same time?”

She growls.

“It’ll be the most amount of pleasure you’ve ever been given. Just wait. It’ll be like heaven is marinating inside of you.”

Dom tongues Ezra’s clit, flicking it and licking it as if he has the right to.

Tono, on the other hand, is getting himself ready for my girl’s ass. The thought of his old-man balls in her, all hairy and saggy, is enough to make me hurl. How I trusted these two men with my life is beyond me.

Safe to say I’m never trusting anyone ever again.

“I can’t wait for you to scream like you’ve never screamed before, all the while Tono and I are fucking your little whore of a body.”

I can feel every bone in my body burn up at the sight. God dammit, I can’t stand this whole fucking situation.

I am about to fucking explode in a nasty rage when, suddenly, I hear my mother’s voice in my head.

“What is yours can never be taken, no matter how hard the other side fights to steal it from you.”

Ezra is mine. Has been since the second I discovered her existence. Tono and Dom can do their very best— I’ve already planned their slow, merciless deaths, but I know my girl, and I know what gets her off.

Micro-dicks and ancient testicles aren’t it.

Stealing one final glance from Ezra, I nod my head softly.

“I’m so sorry, Ez,” I mouth.

A single tear slides down her cheek.

And then, finally, Dom thrusts himself inside her body.

“Yes, Ezra,” he says, his her vagina clenched around his dick. “Oh my god.”

I have to will myself to look forward because all I want to do is turn away. Cum drips down her thighs, along with her blood.

I think I’m gonna be sick.

Not wanting to wait any longer to join in on the fun, Tono pulls Ezra towards him, his hands cupping her round, muscular ass. He smiles before inserting himself inside her, the happiness never leaving his face.

“I can’t remember the last time I got the chance to mess around with young ass,” Tono breathes. “I forgot how amazing it is.”

I yank on my restraints, cursing as they pull me back in place. I want to rip them from the wall and then claw out Tono and Dom’s throats; cause them even worse pain than what they are causing my girl.

Tears slip down Ezra’s cheeks, and just that action alone makes me want to rip the heads off of every single person who has even simply thought something bad about her.

You don’t judge perfection.

Ezra, sensing my discomfort, whispers, “It’s okay, Joey. I can handle it. I’ll be fine.”

“You don’t deserve this, Ezzie,” I say, unable to look into her eyes as two men are fucking her like there is no tomorrow.

If I can get out of these fucking restraints, you bet your ass there won’t be a tomorrow.

“Hey, Tono,” I roll my eyes, seething, “I can’t wait to tell your wife all about this. I’m sure she’ll be very happy to know her husband, and the father of her two daughters, likes raping young women.”

Tono releases himself, and Ezra breathes in a sigh of relief. “You won’t be saying shit to my wife.”

“Does she use the home phone more or her cell phone? I want to make sure she picks up.”

Tono snarls, a nasty look in his eyes. After he cleans himself off slightly, he comes over to me, pinching the bridge of my nose and jamming his fist in my mouth so I can’t breathe.

“I wouldn’t threaten me, boss. Not when I have all the power.”

I smirk. “Even if I was dead, you still wouldn’t have all the power, so don’t kid yourself. Michael Santo cares as much about you as a dog does an ant.”

He has no heart. You could blame it on the disappearance of his son, but I don’t think he ever had one to begin with.

His actions prove just that.

“If I were you, Joey,” a voice calls out, “I’d save my energy. The last thing you’d want is to miss anything happening to your girl.”

I turn around to see Michael Santo, the expression on his face as sick as he is.

I don’t even bother to hide my rage.

“Your friend’s daughter is being sexually assaulted, and you’re just standing there?” I bark. “As if this isn’t your fault?”

Michael nods and then makes his way over to Ezra. He crouches down to her level and brushes two fingers against her cheek.

“I promise Noah will be good in hands. I’ll make sure of it.”

Ezra, who has been keeping herself from reality, suddenly snaps back.

“You keep my son’s name out of your fucking mouth!”

Her voice breaks a little on that last word.

“Oh, Ezra,” Michael Santo kisses the top of her forehead. “What happened to you? What unfortunate circumstance made you like this?”

She looks up at him. “Like father like son. Why did you both feel the need to hurt me?”