The Dirty Saint (Dirty #1)

21. Chapter Twenty-One

21

Chapter Twenty-One

After

EZRA

August 16th, 2023

Dear Diary,

Is it possible for another person’s screams to linger in your mind for the rest of your life? Because if so, I’d like to peace out here and now.

I can’t sleep at night.I toss and turn, but it never comes, and I’m starting to learn to accept that. Accept the nightmares and the grief and the pain that gets brought along with it, too.

Every time I close my eyes, I can see his dead body in my peripheral. It’s haunting, really. Yet another human being I loved so much going to heaven in front of me.

Sorry. I just need a minute.

Anyway, I begged for my life to be taken instead of his. I begged and begged until I had practically bled my lungs dry.

Because, as selfish as it sounds, I didn’t want to live without him. I didn’t feel like I was strong enough to withstand the pain I knew his death would cause.

Hell, I’m barely strong enough now.

I haven’t put a blade on my skin since I was seventeen years old. Once I had Noah, I stopped believing I couldn’t feel anything. My heart doubled in size, and for the first time, I finally understood what love entailed.

But after Joey, the temptation became too real for me to keep fighting.

I hate it. The same as I did then. I just can’t seem to stop.

Maybe I really do deserve this. Maybe my mind is correct in telling me that I’m a horrible person who should hurt. Who should bleed.

And who should want to die every time she opens her eyes.

* * *

“Tell me, Ezra, why do you keep going?”

I clasp my hands in front of me, my legs crossed over each other.

“You know this already.”

“I know Noah is part of the reason, but he can’t be the only one.”

I sneer. “Why not? It isn’t uncommon for parents to live for their children.”

“So if Noah didn’t exist, you wouldn’t either?”

“Dr. Safiya—”

“Ezra, most people in your position would give up. You’ve seen rock bottom, and it’s really hard to come back on top. But you, you continue. Partially for your son, but for someone—or something—else. I just wanna know what that is.”

“It’s most definitely not for me,” I mumble.

“Then who?”

I don’t hesitate.

“Lana. Joey. And everyone else who was innocent and put in my position.”

“Because you survived, and they didn’t.”

I cross my arms over my chest. “You want a trophy for stating what I already feel,” I snap.

Dr. Safiya shakes her head. “No. I just want you to admit it.”

“I already have.”

“But not to me.”

I nod and then lean forward. “Listen up, you Prada-wearing, self-righteous piece of shit. You act like you know me so well, but you don’t know anything. Now, I might be crazy, but I know myself well enough at this point in my life. There is no saving me.”

Dr. Safiya leans back.

“So that’s what you want? You want to be rescued?”

I can’t even look at her right now.

“I don’t sleep. I can barely eat. I am hanging by a thread, but I can’t snap because if I do, then my son will see how fucked up his mother truly is.”

“Ezra.”

“And that’s one thing I refuse to be.”

“So what exactly are you saying,” Dr. Safiya asks.

“I’m saying that I’m afraid to become my mother. Because she might say she loves me, but we both know obligatory love isn’t love. Look, I won’t blame my mistakes on her because I won’t give her that much power, but I do owe parts of me to her. Just not the good ones.”

“It’s okay to feel sad, though. Your emotions are always valid, Ezra.”

Tears form in my eyes. “Really? It just sounds like I was stupid enough to think my mom was coming around when, instead, all she did was let me down again.”

“She made you feel like a fool.”

“Yeah. She did. But what I hate more than anything is feeling trapped in this universe when all I want to do is escape.”

“Ezra,” Dr. Safiya sets her notepad down and looks into my eyes.“You are not in that basement anymore. You are not chained up. You are not being violated day in and day out. You’ve been set free.”

I shake my head.

“My wings are still clipped, though. I can run, but I can’t fly. And running doesn’t keep your predators from catching you.”

“They are locked up—”

Digging my nails into my palm, I shake my head.

“Not everyone.”

After

brIGGS

I look to Ezra, who is handing my nephew napkins to wipe his ice-cream-covered face. He’s giggling, and she’s shaking her head.

“Did it even make it in your mouth,” she asks.

Noah nods.

“Doubt it,” she finishes.

I smile at my godson, hoping it hides the fear within.

When Ezra was missing, Noah lived with me. The two of us have always been close, but our relationship grew in the time when we were both leaning on each other to survive. Noah had no idea where Ezra was or if she was coming home. My mind was filled with those same questions; only I had to raise a child while living with them.

I’m worried about my cousin. I know she’s strong and resilient, but that doesn’t mean she’s invincible. And if there’s anything I’ve learned in life, it’s that everyone breaks at one point or another.

“Here. I’ve got it.”

I take a napkin and run it over Noah’s mouth. I then ruffle his hair and stick my tongue out at him. He bursts out laughing.

“Really,” Ezra asks Noah. “You thought that was funny?”

I glare at my cousin.

“Of course he did. The kid’s got a sense of humor.”

“Too bad you don’t.”

I roll my eyes at her, and then we smile at each other.

“I missed this,” Ezra says as the two of us sit on the couch, Noah asleep in his room.

“Me too,” I say, taking a sip of my wine.

“If I’m being honest, I didn’t think I’d have the opportunity again.”

I set my glass down.

“What happened, Ez?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, what happened at the end? The only thing you’ve shared was that Joey was murdered. But I know you, and I know when you’re holding back.”

“I’m not holding anything back.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No,” Ezra gets up from her seat, “I’m not.”

I shake my head. “You’re pushing me away.”

My cousin rolls her eyes.

“ Stop trying to pressure me into speaking about one of the scariest moments of my life. Just because you went through something similar doesn’t mean you get to dictate how I choose to heal.”

My cousin is stubborn. Always has been. She gets set in her ways and then won’t hear any differently.

“I’m just trying to help you, Ezra,” I say.

“Well, I don’t need your help, ” she snaps. “Because I’m doing just fine.”

“Is that why you’ve started cutting yourself again? Because you’re ‘fine?’”

“How the hell do you know that?”

“Because I know you,” I answer. “You might not like it, but it’s the truth. So believe me, please , when I tell you that I am not doing any of this to hurt you. I’m doing this because I want you to take your power back, and if you keep allowing those men to steal your voice, then you’re always going to come up empty. And Ezra Evaline Maya—at least the version that I knew— wouldn’t stand for that.”

“Well, the Ezra that you knew doesn’t exist anymore. And if you’ll excuse me, I don’t want to be having this conversation right now.”

“You mean you don’t want to have it all,” I finish.

“Why would I,” Ezra asks. “Why would I want to remember Lana being raped at the same time she was being suffocated? Why would I want to hear her cry out for her son, her last words ever, and then watch as one of those sick fucks defiled her dead body? Or why would I want to see the man I loved get murdered right in front of my eyes, all the while I was screaming for them to kill me instead?”

Ezra looks at me as the realization of her words reaches her ears.

“Why would I,” she repeats.

I grab her hands and hold them close to my chest. “Because you can’t move on if you don’t.”

Her voice breaks. “It’s all I can see when I open my eyes. And it’s all I can hear in the silence. I wish this never happened to me. And I hate that I wish it could have happened to someone else. No one should ever experience that type of fear .

“I tried to hold it together, Brianne. I made sure that I was seen as someone who couldn’t crack. I refused to let my real feelings show because I knew if they did, I was fucked.

“But now I’m afraid. All the time. I’m looking over my shoulder, waiting for a hand to shoot out and take me to another god-awful place. I check on Noah thirty times in the middle of the night like I used to do when he was a newborn just so I can remind myself that I get to be his mother again.

“And I hate it. I hate every second of it, but I’m so accustomed to a life I never wanted to lead that I don’t know how to go back to what I had before. Hell, it may not even be possible.”

I look at Ezra, my baby cousin, who I realize isn’t such a baby anymore.

“Ezra Evaline Maya, there isn’t a weak bone in your body, but it isn’t my job to make you see that.”

“I just want to be okay,” she whispers.

I nod.

“I know.”

“When do I get to be that,” she asks.

Ezra looks to me for an answer, but unfortunately, I don’t have one.

But I really fucking wish I did.

During

JOEY

There are two parts of our deal.

The first one is a confession.

The second is death.

The only problem is I’ve fallen in love with the very person I’m supposed to kill.

I don’t want to keep hurting her. It isn’t fair to cause her any more pain. It makes me ill knowing all that has been done to her and how I’ve done very little to stop it all from happening.

I’m not ready for her to hear the truth.

Then again, I don’t think I ever will be.