The Dirty Saint (Dirty #1)

24. Chapter Twenty-Four

After

NADIA ODEH

I pick up the hat that I brought him home from the hospital in, and bring it to my lips, closing my eyes.

I miss my boy. I miss the way he would hug me and make me laugh. I miss watching him with his brothers and sister and his nephew. I miss his love. His light.

A mother shouldn’t outlive their child. A mother shouldn’t have to bury their own blood. A mother should go knowing that their lifelines will be okay.

“Oh, Joey,” I sob. “My sweet, sweet boy.”

I was supposed to go first. Why couldn’t God have let me go first?

I know I should be strong for my family. After all, I’m the matriarch. The one meant to be wise and have the answers, but the truth is I’m as lost as anyone. I feel like half of me is missing, and the other is in shambles.

My second son was not perfect, and some could even say he was a stranger based on how much he kept to himself, but he was mine. I created him. He was the product of me and all my strength and, at one point, a great love.

I place the hat down and walk over to the little window in my bedroom. With my hands on the sill for balance, I gaze up to the sky, tears falling.

“I’m sorry for making you think that this was the only way. That you needed to resort to violence to try and save me. God knows I wanted to win this fight on my own.”

From the time I was a young girl myself, I was independent. In some respect, I would have liked my children to inherit that trait. Maybe not quite to the same extent, but I wanted them to make their own decisions. Good, bad, in between. They had to be their own person.

“Ezra, she’s so special. I can see the love in her eyes when she talks about you, Joe. It’s so evident. It’s written all over her face. She misses you so much.”

Out of all my sons, Joey had the biggest heart (just don’t tell Manni I said that). He had this fierce sense of loyalty and protectiveness. I used to worry about him the most growing up because he was always getting into fights trying to defend another kid.

The world will never be the same without my sweet Joey Parker. It will never shine as bright or be filled with as much laughter.

“I would ask you to please take care of Zahra for me, but honestly, your ass is the one that needs to be taken care of.”

I smile. One day, I will be up there. But for the time being, I am going to make sure that neither is forgotten.

And I promise, no matter how hard, that I will learn what it’s like to be okay again someday.

After

EZRA

“Ezra, last week, I asked you to write a diary entry to share during this session since it has been a month since your rescue.”

As I sit in Dr. Safiya’s office and look around the room, my diary in my hands, I feel a tender expression creep onto my face.

For the first time in a long time, I’m alright. I don’t feel like I’m suffocating every time I open my eyes.

Honestly, I forgot what it felt like to be…okay.

“Ezra?”

I let out a small small grin.

Honestly, I can’t help but think how far I’ve come.

I was a broken, lonely person when I first entered that cell. I was barely even surviving. But something clicked inside of me when I was there, and it made me want to stop giving up when life got tough.

And look, I know it sounds cliché and a bit cheesy, but it’s my truth.

And I’m done letting myself get in my own way.

“I think I’d like to read it out loud.”

Dr. Safiya nods, “Whenever you’re ready.”

I smile.

“Dear Diary, I thought about Joey last night before bed. Thought about how things ended. I thought about what he said and what transpired and felt sad that we didn’t end on good terms.

“A lot came of my abduction, but not all of it is bad though. I got the opportunity to fall in love with not just one person, but two. At least, I re-fell love in love with someone I greatly missed.

“I have spent a lot of nights alone in my room, staring up at the ceiling, wondering why the universe hasn’t let me end up with the people I love. I haven’t had an answer until now.

“It’s because I was meant to fall in love with myself. Not a man or woman, but the lady in the mirror who stares back at me.

“So from here on out, I promise to value every second as if it could be my last. Because it very well could be.

“And I’m just not ready.

“Ezra.”

Dr. Safiya smiles at me and then closes her notepad.

“What,” I ask.

“Nothing. I’m just proud of you.”

I laugh shyly.

She leans closer.“Ezra, you and I have been seeing each other three times a week for about a month now, and during each one of our sessions, you have spent a great deal of our time together talking about other people: Noah, Joey, Lana, Briggs, Michael, your mother. Very rarely did you talk about yourself, specifically your strength and your growth.

“I asked you to write this diary entry not just for me, but for you. I wanted you to truly see how brave and resilient you are.”

I take the time to process what Dr. Safiya is saying because, well, I haven’t felt true pride in myself since I’ve been rescued.

I may seem like someone who is always put together on the outside, but that’s only because I’m masking what’s going on inside. I don’t want to burden the people around me with my pain.

“No one is perfect, Ezra. I most definitely am not. And just like I’ve accepted that, I want you to accept your journey and all that comes along with it. The good, the bad, the tears, the smiles. Allow yourself to feel everything that you’re feeling, even if you think it’s crazy, because let me tell you, Ezra, you are valid. And you do deserve happiness. And one day, when it reaches you, I hope you’ll reward me the privilege of letting me in.”

I fiddle with my fingers like I did the first day we met.

“You sure about that,” I whisper.

“I may not be perfect, but I do have a pretty good track record of being correct.”