The Fallen Ones (Holloway University #1)

7. Lily

Chapter 7

Lily

I felt like I was losing my mind as I sat at a table in the commons. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Instead, my emotions had become so confusing and conflicting over the last few weeks since Jace and I had split.

It was like a dam had been built inside me and everything was piling up against it, ready to bust it down and drown everything in its path.

Jace. Caleb. Damien.

My ex. My best friend. My former stepbrother.

I breathed out, trying to gather my thoughts.

Jace was everything all the girls wanted, me included. But damn my fear of becoming my mother. For better or worse, Jace was stuck in my head like a catchy tune on repeat. It was the way in which he looked at me. Like he knew me better than I knew myself. The way he touched me like I was delicate like a bomb and if jostled too much, I might explode. He was patient with me during our time together. He’d push, but he’d never take it further than what I was willing to give. Until this last time. I’d let him go further than ever, and it seemed to have broken him. Broken me. Hell, broken us.

Now, there was no us. Just me staring at him from across the commons as two of the cheerleaders hung off him.

“Girl, you gotta let him go,” Olivia said as she stopped and took a seat across from me at the table. “It’s not doing anything but hurting you.”

“I know.” Despite her words, I couldn’t look away from the train wreck in front of me. As if sensing me, Jace’s green eyes locked on mine, his stare cold and unfeeling. I swallowed hard beneath his gaze, unable to break the spell he had me under.

“You know, Caleb is pretty hot. I don’t know why you aren’t all over that. I’d have put him beneath me so long ago,” Olivia continued.

I tore my gaze away from Jace and looked to her. “I…I think we almost kissed a few nights ago,” I admitted, remembering how close we’d been on the couch in my living room.

Olivia’s brows shot up on her forehead. “Are you serious?”

I nodded.

“Spill. What happened?”

“Nothing,” I admitted with a shrug. “It didn’t get that far. You called.”

“God, I’m a clam dam? Why didn’t you just ignore my call and kiss him?”

“I don’t know. He’s my best friend. I don’t want to ruin that. He’s all I really have.” Plus, it would be weird.”

“You have me,” she pointed out with an eye roll. “I’m your friend too.”

“I know.” I gave her a smile. “It’s just, Caleb and I?—”

“You don’t need to explain it. I get it. I was just giving you shit. Seriously, though. Why torture yourself? Talk to Caleb. Maybe he feels the same way. I mean, if he’s leaning in and nearly kissing you?—”

“I don’t know that it was like that,” I interrupted. “I only think it may have been. He was acting weird all night anyway.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Doesn’t matter. It’s worth finding out. Imagine how pissed Jace would be if you started hooking up with Caleb? Oh my god. Or Damien Fletcher. They hate each other! Hell, fuck both Caleb and Damien. God, what I wouldn’t give to be the cheese in that cock meat sandwich.”

I snorted at her crass words. She grinned back and gave me an unapologetic shrug.

“Think about it, Lily. Like, seriously envision it. Close your eyes.”

I did as she said, only to humor her. Of course, the humor was gone the moment my mind’s eye popped Damien and Caleb onto center stage, both of them with their cocks in hand, cooing sexy as hell words to me.

Caleb would praise me.

Damien would degrade me.

And I would love every moment of it as they touched my body. Chills raced over my skin as Jace appeared on the scene, watching what they were doing to my body. More thrills scattered through me in sharp waves.

Jace would join in. Controlling. Domineering. If Jace was the thrill through my body, then Damien would be the chill racing up my spine, and Caleb the moan I’d let slip past my lips.

“See? That’s a good vision, isn’t it?” Olivia’s laugh cut through my dirty thoughts. My face heated as I opened my eyes and gave her a sheepish look.

“It actually is.”

“Then go get it,” she said with another laugh.

I sighed and glanced back to Jace, my heart right where I’d left it. The girls were still clinging to him and he was still watching me, a curious expression now on his face. I was sure he’d seen me having my vision of being thoroughly fondled just moments ago.

My cheeks heated again, making him narrow his eyes at me. I watched as he focused back on the girls, making them laugh before he backed away.

“I have to go,” Olivia said, getting to her feet. “I have to get this calculus class over with so I can focus on things that actually matter. We’re still on for Satan’s Hollow?”

“Yeah,” I murmured, watching Jace check his phone and glance back at me.

“Promise? You’re not going to back out? I’m working on getting us a token to enter.”

“Promise.” I gave her a tight smile. That vision I’d had seemed to have lit a fire in my, well, lady parts. Jace and his harem of bimbos seemed to help too, truth be told.

She bid me goodbye and left, leaving me alone at my table. I hesitated for a moment before getting to my feet and bravely approaching Jace.

“Jace?” I called out tentatively as he stared down at his phone.

He snapped his attention to me immediately, his face an emotionless mask. He used to greet me with a smile. A hug. A kiss. Not with cold indifference, but I understood where it came from. I’d hurt him. I deserved that.

“Can we talk?” I asked.

“Talk? What do we have to talk about?” He gave me a hard look which made my stomach clench. He’d stopped texting and calling me a week ago.

“I-I just wanted to see how you’re doing,” I answered softly.

“I’m doing fine, Lily. No complaints here.”

I twisted my fingers together in front of me. “I-I’m doing OK, too.”

“Yeah?” He nodded. “That’s good. I’m happy for you.”

“You’re not,” I whispered. “You’re upset.”

He said nothing for a moment. “Of course I’m upset. You broke up with me, Lily. I thought everything was good with us. That we were… progressing. Then you flipped out and just ended it.”

“I-I wanted to?—“

“What? What did you want? To continue leading me on with the hope for more? We were together seven months. I was beyond patient with you. I let myself slip one fucking night and that’s it. Game over.” He shook his head at me. “I’m over it.”

“Are you?” I winced at his words.

“Clearly I am. Haven’t you heard the rumors?”

I nodded miserably. I knew he’d been with Jessica. That was probably just the tip of the iceberg too. I shouldn’t let it hurt me, but I couldn’t stop the pain from searing through my heart at the knowledge of him making love to someone else.

“Everything that happened, everything that’s going to happen, is on you,” he continued. “You did this. Not me.”

“I know. I deserve it.” I wiped quickly at my eyes and offered him the strongest smile I had. “There’s no point in me trying to salvage a friendship with you.”

He remained quiet as he stared back at me.

“I’m sorry, Jace. I am. I’m just screwed up in my head from my mom and everything. I don’t want to be like her.”

“Trust me, Lily Pad, you’re nothing like your mother,” he said, his voice soft. “You’re a whole different kind of monster.” He pushed past me, his words like a punch to my guts.

I didn’t try to stop him. Instead, I let him leave.

Stopping him would only prolong the pain and neither of us deserved that.

“You OK?” Caleb asked me later that night as we wandered through a costume store in town. “You’ve been quiet today.”

“You’re one to talk,” I muttered. He was still being weird since the night in my apartment.

He paused at a sandwich costume and looked over at me. “You’re right. I’ve been shit lately. I’m sorry. Just stressed.”

“Me too.” I sighed. “It doesn’t matter though. I think I just need time, you know?”

He gave me a sad smile and nodded. “I get it.”

We continued browsing in silence for a few minutes before I broke it with a question that had starting to really plague me.

“Do you really think I should go to this party? You won’t be there. It’ll be so weird.”

“Olivia will be with you,” he said, shooting me a quick smile. “I have to work. You’re going to be fine. You can call me after you’ve had some fun and tell me you’ve changed your evil ways and are ready to seek no strings attached relationships.”

I laughed at that. “What if doing this makes it worse? Like, I won’t ever want anything? I’ve always hoped I could change it all, but it scares me too.”

“I’ve always dreamed of being with the perfect girl for the rest of my life,” he said. “So I’m not the one to ask.”

“Caleb, please. I’m being serious.”

“So am I, Lil bit.” He came over to me and encroached on my personal space, his tall, muscular frame looming over me. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Do this for yourself. It could change everything for you.”

“I don’t even know what I’m doing,” I said, feeling frantic. “I’ve made out with Jace a few times. I don’t have any experience. God. What if I don’t do it right and whoever the guy is hates it? What if I hate it?—”

“What if he loves it? What if you do?” He raised his brows at me. “Stop thinking in the negative, Lil. Positive thoughts. Positive energy. That’s what you need to put into this.” He moved away and thumbed through the costumes again.

“Would it be weird if I asked you to show me,” I blurted out.

He froze where he stood.

“I-I don’t mean like that,” I squeaked out. “I mean, maybe a little. Purely as a way to help me learn. We don’t actually have to have sex. That would be way weird. Plus, I know you’re not really into me like that. God, I’m rambling. I’m sorry?—”

“I’ll help you,” he said, finally thawing and turning to me.

I blinked in surprise at him. “You will?”

He nodded and took my hand before giving me a tug to the door. I followed, forgoing getting my costume for the party and letting him steer me to his car.

We got in and he started the engine and drove us to my place, neither of us saying a word to one another.

We didn’t have to though. The tension was so thick it could be cut with a knife. That line I hadn’t wanted to cross with him was blurring way behind us now.

“Come on,” Caleb said, taking my hand as he helped me out of the car once he’d parked. I took his hand and let him lead me upstairs to my apartment. The moment I closed the door, he shoved me hard against it and stared down at me.

He’d never had that look in his eyes before. So dark. So possessing. So…fierce. And he’d certainly never manhandled me that way.

My breath hitched as he leaned in and ran his lips along my jaw. “What do you want to practice, Lil bit?”

“I-I don’t know,” I rasped. “Maybe everything before it gets to sex.”

He chuckled softly against my ear, sending goosebumps spiraling along my skin. This wasn’t the Caleb I had known nearly my entire life. This Caleb was a ticking bomb set to explode once he let go.

“Have you ever had an orgasm, Lil bit?” he husked out in my ear.

“I-I think so?—”

“Mm, if you’ve had one, you wouldn’t have to think about it. You’d already know. Do you want me to make you come?”

Oh god. What was happening?

“Caleb—”

“Yes or no?”

“I-I this is too much.” I made to push away from him, but he kept me pinned to the door, his hands on my waist in a firm hold, his body pressed against mine.

“Lily, let go,” he said gently. “If you’re going to go to this party, you need to just let go. You’ll feel so much better once you do. You can’t run once you’re in the room. There’s nowhere to go but on your back.”

His words sent a thrill through my body. Maybe that’s what I needed. To be pinned. To be caged with no way out. Forced to my knees so I wouldn’t have to go to them on my own. Realization struck me like a bus.

“I don’t think I can,” I said. “I-I need someone to make me do it.”

He pulled away and frowned down at me, breaking the spell we were both under.

“What? You…want to be forced into it?”

I bit my bottom lip and contemplated it for a moment before nodding. “I think I need that.”

“Fuck.” He backed away and raked his fingers through his hair.

“God, I’m so broken, aren’t I?” I went to him, desperate for him to tell me I was fucked up and needed help, but at the same time, I wanted him to tell me it was OK to need this.

“You’re not broken,” he said, cradling my face. “I just don’t want you to get hurt. Fuck, it makes me sick thinking you’ll hurt. I don’t want that.”

“I won’t hurt,” I answered. “I need it to be this way. I need to be in a position where I can’t back out. You were right when you said I should go to this party. I’m clinging to my virginity like it’s the answer to all my problems. Maybe it’s what’s wrong with me. If I let it go, maybe I won’t fear a relationship or intimacy. I want someone to just take this burden away so I stop holding on so tightly.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat.

“Maybe you’re right,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “Then nothing that I help you with tonight will be of any use to you. You need to just go in and let whatever happen, happen. If that’s how it needs to be, then…” his voice trailed off.

I understood. This would be a waste of time tonight if I were to pursue it. I pulled away from him, my body hating the distance and cold. I gave him my best smile.

“Let’s just forget about this.”

“Are you sure?”

I nodded and bit my bottom lip. “Yeah. This was weird, right?” A little laugh left me.

His lips tilted up in the corner for a moment. “Yeah, I guess it was. It would just make things weirder between us, huh?”

I hated those words. While I wanted to do this to learn, I also wanted to do it because it was getting harder to tamp down these emerging feelings I had for Caleb.

So instead of acknowledging any of them, I pulled my phone out.

“Want to order in Chinese?”

“Yeah, Lil bit. Let’s eat.”

I let a breath whoosh out and logged onto my delivery app, grateful for the distraction.

I’d almost gone way too far with Caleb.

Something within me still wasn’t sold on hating the idea though.