The Fallen Ones (Holloway University #1)

23. Lily

Chapter 23

Lily

I stared down at the outfit I had on my bed. Olivia had been specific in her description of what I should wear to the party next weekend and I wanted to be prepared and not change my mind last minute. The party scene wasn’t really for me, but after the night with the three masked men, all I wanted to do was get out to see if I could find them again. Not that it would be easy since I had no clue who they were. And not that I’d be brave enough anyway.

I felt like everything I’d thought I’d known was torn apart. The masked men consumed every thought I’d had in the past week.

And if they weren’t in my thoughts, the very real fear of who I was becoming was.

A knock on my door pulled from the thoughts. Quickly, I went to the door and pulled it open to find Caleb standing there, his hair windswept. My heart jolted in my chest as I took him in. He was beautiful. Something about that hurt me and a surge of want rushed over me.

God, what was happening to me?

I’d gone from keeping my legs tightly closed to wanting to open them at the slightest breeze.

And with Caleb?

It pained me to think I’d risk our friendship just to experience him. What would he even say to me if I voiced my thoughts? We’d known each other since we were young. The very real memory of him pinning me to the wall surfaced, making me blush.

“Lil Bit?” Caleb’s voice cut through my heated thoughts.

I blinked rapidly at him. “Hey.”

“You OK?” He reached out and cradled my face for a moment sending the butterflies scattering through out my belly and chest.

How could someone’s touch set me off like that? And why was it happening after all these years?

“Y-Yeah. I’m fine.” I backed out of his reach so he could come in, his hand falling away in the process. Emptiness filled me, making me sad.

“You seem upset,” Caleb commented as he stepped into my small apartment.

“I’m fine. Just tired, I guess. Been a long day.”

“Don’t I know it,” he mumbled, going to my couch and flopping down on it. I went into the kitchen and grabbed us both cans of soda and returned, handing him his. He flashed me a quick grin, bringing the butterflies back to life.

“Olivia called,” I said, clearing my throat.

He raised his brows at me as he cracked open his drink and took a sip. “Yeah?”

I nodded. “She said she saw you getting pizza with Damien and Jace,” my voice wobbled. I was confused about why Caleb would be seen with either of them since he hated both, and I knew they didn’t like him.

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. “They paid me to write a couple papers for them.”

I groaned. “Caleb, why would you do that?”

“Money’s tight, Lil. Thought if I made a little extra, I could fix up the house or something.”

“Your house is fine,” I said gently.

He scoffed and looked away. “You never want to hang out there.”

“I-I…” my words faltered on my lips.

“You don’t need to explain yourself. I get it.” He offered me a quick smile. “I’m just trying to get ahead is all. I have quite a lot of money saved from bartending and figured a few more dollars wouldn’t hurt. Besides, it’s Jace and Damien. They’re good for the money.”

I said nothing. He was right. They were both loaded.

Caleb shifted on the couch. “Lil? Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Was it the money? Is that why you dated Jace and-and never considered anyone else…” his voice trailed off, his cheeks tinting pink.

“It was never the money,” I said sharply. “You know me, Caleb. I don’t care about that stuff.”

He said nothing, opting to stare at his now clasped hands as he rested his elbows on his knees while sitting forward on the couch, his drink on the coffee table.

“Sorry, I don’t even know why I asked that,” he mumbled.

I reached out and rested my hand over his, noting how twitchy he seemed tonight. It was completely out of character for him.

“Are you OK?” I asked.

He looked over at me and offered a smile that didn’t quite reach his pretty eyes.

“I just worry is all.”

“What are you worried about?”

“You,” he said softly. “Always you, Lily.”

My heart jumped in my chest at his words, and I bit my bottom lip nervously.

“I’m OK. Promise.”

“Do you want to talk about what happened at the party?” he ventured softly. “You haven’t said much about it. I know it sounded like a lot and I feel bad I’ve not been great about listening lately.”

“It’s fine.” I moved my hand back to my lap and sighed. “I just wish… I don’t know. I want to know who the guys were. I don’t know why I feel the way I do.” I paused and bit my bottom lip for a moment. “Can I ask you something and you’ll answer honestly?”

“You know I will,” he said.

I breathed out. “This whole thing was meant for me to come out of my shell. To have the experience without the attachment. I-I want to experience it again, but I know the likelihood is slim so I’m thinking about maybe going to this party with Olivia and just hooking up with someone.” I wrinkled my nose as the words came out of my mouth.

Caleb stared at me like I’d sprouted an extra head.

“Caleb?”

He blinked quickly and looked away, his Adam’s apple visibly bobbing.

“You want to sleep with someone new?” he finally asked.

“Yeah. I mean, that was the whole point in all of this. And since the three guys will never happen again, I mean…” my voice trailed off. “I sound slutty, don’t I?” I looked down at my hands.

Caleb slid closer and turned toward me and took my hands in his.

“I think you’re craving closeness with someone and are scared,” he murmured. “I think that’s what all of this boils down to right from the beginning to this moment.”

I swallowed hard at his words.

“You’re scared, Lil. It’s OK to be scared. The thing to know about dating and falling in love is that anything can happen. It may last forever. It may not. But every crack your heart receives is meant to build you up, not tear you down. You’re a wonderful person. So pretty. Smart. Funny.” He licked his lips. “ So fucking sexy. Give yourself a chance to live. If it means three guys and you, do it. If you need just one, I say do that too,” his voice grew softer, a slight twinge of pain in it.

“You think I’m sexy?” I asked in a small voice.

He let out a soft huff of laughter. “You don’t even realize how stunning you are, Lil. But yes. I think you’re sexy.”

“Should you say that stuff to me?” I pressed, my voice still low. “Should you tell me I’m sexy?”

He leaned closer, making the butterflies flap wildly in my guts. Kissing him rushed through my mind.

“I can tell you anything I want to tell you. You’re my flower, Lily. You always will be.”

I couldn’t help myself. I pushed myself forward and pressed my lips against his. He froze beneath the movement, his lips stiff and unmoving.

Feeling like I really misread the signals and supremely hating myself, I pulled back and stared in horror at him.

“Caleb, I-I’m sorry,” I stammered. “That was… That was out of line. I-I shouldn’t have?—”

He got to his feet, taking my heart with him, and paced the room for a moment.

“Caleb?” I called out, my heart in my throat. I had no idea what came over me and why I’d done that to him. We’d been close before and that had been all well and good, but I’d crossed a line. I knew I had.

“Um.” He stopped pacing and looked over at me. “Uh, I-I need to go. I just… I forgot I have something to do tonight.”

“What? God. I’m so sorry—” I got to my feet and went to him, desperate for him to stay with me. “Don’t go. I was so out of line. My head is a mess. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I-I didn’t mean it.” I stopped and stared up at him, watching as so many emotions flittered over his handsome face.

“You didn’t mean it?” he asked, his forehead crinkling at my words.

I swallowed hard. “I-I, yeah. I didn’t mean it. I just got caught up in your words and these feelings. It was a mistake and shouldn’t have happened. I mean, I don’t want you. You’re Caleb. A-And I’m Lily. We’re best friends. Kissing and going further than that is just… gross, right? We’re gross together. It would be like kissing a sibling. And it was like that. It wasn’t good. It really was gross kissing you.” My guts rolled at my continued mouth vomit, mortified I was even saying the words because I sure as hell didn’t mean them. I was trying to smother a fire I’d started and was failing terribly.

He let out a scoff and backed away. “Yeah, I need to go.”

He walked toward the door. I rushed after him, desperate to make this better.

“Caleb, wait.” I grabbed his hand and tugged him to a stop. He turned to me, his face blanketed in an emotion I’d never seen on him before.

“You’re right. I am a mistake. Kissing me was… gross,” he repeated. “I’m glad we cleared that up.”

“Caleb—”

“I need to go.” He pulled away from me and opened the door and stepped out before turning back to me. “You should go to that party next weekend. Fuck someone else. Kiss someone else. You know, someone not gross. Someone who makes sense to you.” He shook his head before slamming the door closed.

I stood there feeling like the biggest piece of shit for a moment before I pulled the door open and dashed down the hall to see him already in the elevator, the door closing. He saw me coming, but he only stared and didn’t try to keep the doors from closing.

I stopped in the center of the hall and watched him disappear from view, a look of pure heartbreak on his face.

I’d really messed things up.