The Guru: Shadow (Dark Triad #1)

6. Emma

6

EMMA

PLAYLIST: DOWN ON YOUR KNEES - FLORA CASH

S he knew he was dangerous. She knew he was capable of things that would cost her everything. And yet, she wanted him. Wanted to be wanted.

And she knew he wanted her, too. But he did not allow himself. For whatever stupid reasons. Not noble ones, she knew as much. He was definitely anything but a noble man. He was a violent one. And maybe she just wasn’t good enough for him.

For blissful moments, she had felt alive, as if she could rule the world, and then, she was pushed away again. First Chris, now the stranger. And his fucking words as he left were lies. Lies people tell to make themselves feel better, after they hurt someone. And there she was, thinking him to be different.

I should be so glad, it turned out like this. Glad he didn’t destroy me.

Only she wasn’t. All of her longed for him to take her. But he didn’t. What kind of man had that level of control to pull away while she showed him what she would do with him? Only a man she wasn’t good enough for. A man who didn’t want her. Maybe she imagined it all. Just the same poor judge of character she had been with Chris.

Nobody wants me. Not even the devil himself.

Despair ate her alive, and the fucking apartment did the rest. She had sat on the hard floor, leaning against the closed door for the past hour, staring into nothingness. The void that was her life.

And then she stared again into Sami’s eyes as she came home early, ten days ago, because she got fired from the bar. All she wanted to do that day was cry and snug into Chris’ arms until the pain of failure might ebb - only to open the door and see the devilish smile tucked around the corner of Sami’s mouth the moment their eyes met. The flicker in her eyes. She wanted her to find out. The more she rewatched the situation in her mind, the more she revisited Chris’ words afterwards, it became clearer every time.

‘ You. Always.’ That’s what Chris wrote in the caption of their just-married post. So they had something from day one? Or even before Chris and her had been a thing? But why do it? Why get engaged in the first place? None of it made sense.

Her anger ate her once again from the inside. She had to get fucking out of this dung hole called home.

So, she launched herself from the floor, grabbed a coat, keys, and phone, and went out of the door without a look back.

When she stepped out of the apartment building, she took in the air. Manhattan always smelled so special, especially at night. Yes, loads of waste and smog, but there was also the smell of sweet, endless possibilities. The fragrance of dreams and hope for a better life mingled with the fumes of lost souls and rush. The city so alive and, at the same time, so lonely. While some drowned in money, so many homeless people roamed the streets. The city was the incarnation of polarity - shadows and light.

People rushed past her as she walked down the streets and avenues. Seeing the city alive at night always had something magical to her, even after years of living here. Right now, however, it smelled like a rat’s nest .

Without a plan of where to go, she let herself drift wherever it would carry her. Her apartment was on 45th St, in Hell’s Kitchen, a lively area, and it was always loud, but the Manhattan buzz was imprinted in her existence from the very first day she had come here. Her whole life, she wanted to get out of that small town in Michigan, she so loathed, and she took the first chance she got to leave everything behind. Nothing would ever make her return there. The place where it all started. The place that cost her everything.

She walked where her feet carried her, trying to clear her mind. By walking, she became invisible. Something she loved so much about this city. So many people lived here, and if you wanted, you could become an irrelevant existence within a single moment.

She turned a corner, and as she stared up, she saw the top of the Empire State Building, today colored typically in red, white, and blue. Although it was mostly a tourist magnet and New Yorkers tend to avoid it where they could, for her, it had always been a place of power, a place she pulled strength from, because it somehow connected her with her dreams. As a child, she plastered a wall under her loft bed with images from New York City, and whenever she felt overwhelmed or in pain, she would hide under her bed and stare at the images of the Empire State Building - hoping, one day, she would finally break free from the endless cycles of pain she lived in. The Empire State Building was her guiding star, the one thing that gave her hope, kept her going.

Not today, however. She looked at it, and there was literally nothing. Only the blackness of anger inside her. The pain of betrayal and being all alone. She’d fled to Manhattan, hoping life would be better. And here she was, in a different place, but somehow in the same life.

She let herself sink down onto one of benches in Madison Square Park and took in her surroundings. A bench further along sat an old lady with an orange cat on her lap, who looked just as old as the lady with the white hair around her eyes and snout. The lady wore a very colorful flowery dress, a leather jacket, and black loafers. At least, from what she could see without staring too much, five necklaces dangled around her neck, and she wore a hat with feathers on it. Overall, the outfit was somewhat iconic and somewhat absolutely daring. In one hand, she held an ice cream cone, and while she licked it, she talked to the cat as if it was a person, she even shared her ice cream with it.

Maybe I’ll sit here with my cat in fifty years too and talk to it because I have no one else . She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to release the pulsating hate for everything in herself, including herself.

She could hear dogs barking at Jeremy’s Dog Run and the typical Manhattan noise of honking, cars, people talking, and music. Especially in Madison Square Park with the Flatiron building nearby – it always attracted people, especially tourists, as it was such an iconic place. All those people, they all went on with their lives, buzzing around, meeting friends, going places, while she was stuck in endless circles of self-loathing and drama. And she hated herself for it. Everyone here had something to do, hustle, do better, goals to achieve, dreams to follow, get more, be more. And she became less with every day.

When she opened her eyes, the world around her was still the same.

“Are you all right, dearest?” It was the old lady, looking at her with a knowing smile on her face.

“I…um…yes.”

Normally, she didn’t chat with strangers.

“You don’t look like it.”

Leave me alone.

“I’ll manage. Thanks for asking.”

“When I was your age, I had no idea who I was and what to do with my life.”

Is it that obvious? S he thought as she stared at the cat lady.

“Eventually, I stopped caring what others thought of me and became whoever I wanted to be.”

If it would be easy as that.

The lady stood up, walked over to her, and sat herself next to her on the bench, her hand reaching for her thigh. It was something she could not stand. Strangers touching her. Even if it was an old cat lady.

“I’ll let you in on a secret. You don’t need to know who you are, you don’t need to be anything. You just follow your heart. You love, you lose, you fall, you get back up. But never give up. It will get better, dearest. There will come a day, where what belongs to you finds you, and then you’ll know.”

And with it, she stood up, took her cat, and went into the night.

Life advice from a weird old lady wasn’t something she could take seriously as of this moment, but somehow, it had been sweet of her. This lady was, in the end, everything she loved about New York City. Maybe this was some sort of sign. A sign of something up there she didn’t believe in, but whatever.

Out of habit, she took out her phone.

No messages.

Immediately, the feeling of loneliness consumed her again.

I am not important to anyone.

Maybe I should just move somewhere else. New beginning. New life.

But where?

And with what money?

She opened her banking app and stared at the number of her checking account.

-$333.33

Seriously? What is it with all the threes today?

One of her credit cards was definitely maxed out; her other might get her to survive for the rest of the month on canned soup. She had nothing to sell anymore as she had sold so much stuff during the past three months. After quitting the job at the public library, the job at the bar didn’t pay enough to cover her costs, even with Chris. Without him, it was even worse. The library job hadn’t payed that badly, but she had been unable to stand it any longer because of the constant proximity to so many people. It had overwhelmed her every day a bit more. Initially, she had thought it to be a great change of scenery after her hustle job in the agency, as it was quiet there. But she had been so, so wrong. Everyone had wanted something from her, constant small talk. Plus, endless days when time would simply not pass. Part of her wanted action and adventure although she loved predictability, while the rest of her was exhausted only by existing. So she had worked part-time in a bar, which didn’t pay any better and also overwhelmed her daily, and her boss had been an absolute asshole. And as she couldn’t deal with being bossed around, it took exactly two months until she got herself fired.

Either to numb herself or out of habit, she closed the banking app and opened Instagram. First thing she saw was a photo Julie had posted forty-five minutes ago with the title ‘Guess what?’ And it showed them all celebrating at Stone’s. Julie showing her off her ring. Seeing it, not being part of it, made her heart clench so hard, it almost felt as if it would splinter, releasing more anger, like toxin, into her veins - although it was her own fault. She wanted to belong, but when she was there, she couldn’t stand the duplicity - story of her life.

She scrolled. Another stupid ad from that guru-girl telling her that her dream life was only one manifestation away.

Fuck you.

She scrolled further and groaned in her mind. Chris and Sami kissing half naked in a bed of roses while she sat here alone on a lonely bench in Madison Square Park.

Madison Square Park.

Chris had kissed her here for the first time. For a moment, she thought about crying, but still, tears would not come. Instead, her emotions consumed her, encased her being, blinding and separating her from the rest of the world.

The world does not care about you. She let the destructive voice in her mind know.

She bent over and let her face fall into her hands.

You’re a nobody.

A worthless piece of shit nobody cares about.

You will never make it anywhere.

Your own mother doesn’t even recognize you anymore.

No one likes you.

No one wants you.

No one cares .

And as the voice in her head overwhelmed her, she couldn’t stand her own existence anymore.

She had to get out.

She needed a release.