The Guru: Shadow (Dark Triad #1)

15. Emma

15

EMMA

PLAYLIST: SO COLD - BEN COCKS, NIKISHA REYES-PILE

C oldness. Never-ending coldness streamed like ice through her veins as Carl’s heavy perfume fell onto her with the realization, he really would do it. A scent she would never forget for the rest of her life. Imprinted with the sensation of being taken without consent, it shattered her soul apart.

Carl, the usually sweet guy, who always went into a deep talk with her. Carl, who she’d spent hours in Julie’s and his apartment while listening to how he worshipped Julie and how he enjoyed his research job. Yes, he had gotten her some cocaine over the past years as things requested some stamina – or, well, forgetting, but this? Never ever in her life had she believed him, of all people, to rape her.

And the moment he entered her, she lay back in her childhood bed. The painful feeling of being entered without consent broke her like a mirror into a million pieces. Deep, deep inside her, everything fell apart while everything was frozen at the same time. Unable to tell if it was the feeling of her father back then or Carl right now, she zoomed out, her heartbeat racing, but the world around her wasn’t there anymore. There was only nothingness. Not even pain. Just nothingness. No em otion. No pain. No her.

Boom!

But even that did not matter.

Ice-blue eyes stared at her, or what used to be her. She was not herself anymore. Her body didn’t belong to her.

“Emma.”

Who is Emma?

Am I Emma?

I don’t know.

Warmth around me.

Is that really me?

“Come here.”

Can’t.

“It’ll be alright.”

A hand on my face.

This..is..my face?

Warmth.

Bum…Bum.

Bum…Bum.

Heartbeat.

His heartbeat.

Maybe it was an hour. Maybe a whole night. Maybe a whole month. Unable to grasp the passing time, she could slowly feel her body returning to her. Her mind was able to focus back on the space she took in the realm of this world. Her warm and breathing underground by the name of Deis, calmly caressing with his hands over her hair.

He came.

He saved me.

After all that happened between us, he could’ve just let it happen.

So somewhere in there, there must be a heart, right?

And she placed her palm on the chest she lay on. The soft and calm beat pulsated against the skin of her hand.

Maybe it spoke a different language, but there was one.

“I came as fast as I could, I am so sorry I wasn’t here earlier,” his words trailed softly into her ear.

Whatever.

“We have it on camera, so he won’t wiggle out of his misdeeds again. ”

“Again?”

“He’s not who you think he is, but it doesn’t matter now.”

He was right. It didn’t matter right now.

“Emma, there’s something I need to ask of you. Do the forensic medical exam, please.”

“The rape kit? Is the evidence that important?”

“Essential, he’s a really bad guy.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes.”

Like I said, whatever.

Doing the forensic medical exam was probably the worst and most humiliating thing she had ever done. But what was the most disturbing thing happening was Deis. They left her apartment, and he walked her into the hospital, but then lurked always five steps behind her, and somehow, she couldn’t shake the feeling he was trying to keep her out of sight or not be seen with her.

Is it because he’s famous? People might recognize him.

Things, however, became really weird when a nurse came into the room, gasped and blushed at the sight of Deis, who sat on a chair in the corner.

So, he must be people-recognize-him-everywhere-famous. I really must google him later, now I know what he does.

“You know, you can wait outside if you don’t want to be seen with me,” Emma said coldly after the nurse left.

“No.”

“No, you don’t want to wait outside, or no, you don’t want to be seen with me?”

“Both.”

The moment the word came over his lips, she froze internally as they hit her like a basketball in the face.

“Go.”

And as he didn’t move, she repeated herself more clearly, “Deis, leave, now. ”

“No.”

“If you don’t want to be seen with me, I don’t need you here. Get. Out.”

“Emma, the world is not black and white, I am a person in public focus, people will talk and the echo will be awful. It’s in your interest, too, believe me.”

“Then get out of here, leave!”

“I won’t leave you alone.”

“Don’t tell me you care now because you don’t. You have a plan, and I am somewhat important to it,” as she said it his eyes flashed, confirming her suspicion, “but I don’t want to be part of it. So, go, I can handle myself.”

How could I be so stupid to even think there was more to it? That he somehow liked me? That he has a heart? Gods, you are so stupid Em. He has a plan, and that’s what all of it is about.

He stared at her. “Emma–”

“Leave now or I will have you removed,” she said, trying to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

When he left, he glanced into her eyes one last time, but she broke it by staring out of the window into the darkness of the night. And the moment the door closed, tears flooded all over her cheeks. His feeling of the need to hide her, to not be associated with, made her feel dirty and worthless. And for whatever reason, it felt just as bad as the feeling of shame boiling in the shadows of her heart from what happened with Carl. Both emotions nagged her in the depths of her chest, and she wanted nothing more than to disappear. Dissolve into the nothingness of the universe.

I don’t matter.

I’m just a name on a file somewhere.

And if I die, no one will care.

Mother doesn’t know she has a child.

Julie doesn’t know what her fiancé did.

Carl raped me. My own father raped me!

And Deis wants to hide me.

I’m just a nobody.

A lost soul. No one fucking cares about me.

“Hi Emma, I’m Claire. I’d like to talk to you about what happened and what you need right now,” said the woman in a white coat who had entered the room very carefully and at a respectful distance. “May I sit with you for a moment?”

“If you must.”

What I need is a scalpel.

“It won’t take long. Do you feel like talking about what happened?”

“I’ve already said everything.”

“For the official record, yes. But what I want to hear is about your feelings and what you need.”

My feelings? Certainly not. And a part of her immediately retracted, getting as much distance between itself and the psych lady.

“I’m fine, been through worse,” she said, trying so hard to make her voice convincing.

“Dissociation of emotions is a way of protection, that, however, does not mean they aren’t there. Are you in therapy? Or would you like me to set an appointment for you?”

I don’t have the money for a shrink, even if I did, I wouldn’t want you to. They’ll put me in a psych ward and vanish me.

“I am aware. And no, I just want the papers and to leave.”

“I understand. Just in case you change your mind, here is a list with addresses and resources, I’ll put it here for you.”

She was absolutely sure she would never use it, but stuffed it in her bag to avoid getting admitted immediately and at least look like she was processing what happened. She should feel something about what happened – anger, shame, whatever – but there was just nothing. Maybe it was dissociation, or maybe she already went through all the shit in the world and there was nothing she could feel about anymore.

I’m just broken. That’s why Deis doesn’t want to be seen with me.

And that ever-consuming feeling of being an outsider, of being unworthy, greeted her with heaviness in her chest.

When she finally got the papers, she almost ran out of the hospital. As the typical Manhattan air went up her nose, she closed her eyes for a moment to take it in. Listening to the buzzing sounds of honking cars and never-ending traffic .

Only tonight something was different - or more this morning – as she glanced at her phone, it was exactly 5.33 in the morning. Seeing it, made her shudder.

The damn 33. A bit too many coincidences by now.

The city, which normally felt like home to her on a goosebumps-producing level, didn’t feel like home anymore. Once again in her life, she felt like an uprooted tree after a hurricane, where nothing was where it was supposed to be and there was no way back.

So she walked. Because while she walked, she was still standing. Still breathing. Still alive.

When she reached her apartment building after walking a dozen blocks down 9th Avenue, she stood in front of it but simply couldn’t enter. Images flashed through her mind like a stroboscope. It wasn’t home anymore, it hadn’t been since the day she found Chris and Sami fucking, and looking back, it had never been a home before.

I have nowhere to go.

I have no home.

I have nothing.

Why do things like this always happen to me?

Why am I always the one who ends up hurt and lost?

My entire life I’ve been there for others, helped, was nice. Despite everything. And somehow, I am always the one being punished.

What’s the fucking point?

So, without another glance, she turned and walked. Walked so her problems, her emotions would not wrestle her to the ground. She made her way down 10th Avenue, until she reached High Line. There, she said hi to the sweet staff member, smiling at her as he just opened the park.

“How’s Nia doing?” she asked him.

“Better, thanks for asking, Em. How are you?”

“Will be alright, forgot the coffee today, quite a messy past few days.”

“Em, ya don’t have to, ya know that.”

“Take care,” she said and went to stroll down the greened old subway track between classic and modern New York City architecture. It was one of her favorite things to do .

As she sat down on a bench on the height of 20th St., the cloudy sky, with the horizon slowly being colored in all shades of pink and orange from the awaiting sunrise, laughed at her with all its beauty.

Maybe I can stay here forever and loose myself in the view.

And while she sat there, endless guilt and shame crawled up in her, consuming her inner existence, almost chewing away her organs from the feel of it. A growing urge wanted nothing more than to separate her body from her skin. She felt dirty, used, and the worst of it, she felt like all of it was her fault. She had asked for him to come over. It was her inability to cope with life that made her message him.

My incapability. My stupidity.

A feeling like someone stabbed her in the chest. At least that was what she thought it to feel like.

Her phone vibrated. Seeing who it was made her groan.

Julie

Hope u r alright

Sorry it went that way

I’m fine, told you

Can you talk?

Sth happened with Carl

Her heart dropped. She had opted out of reporting the crime as they did the FME, she wanted to think about it first, form a strategy.

what happened?

Julie called within five seconds of the message being sent.

“Em, Carl, he–” She was sobbing so heavy, her voice shaking, it seemed words failed her.

“Julie, breathe.”

“He sent me a text, a fucking text, things are over with us, and he’s in love with someone else, and then the police came by and questioned me about him sexually assaulting a woman.”

He what?

And then it dawned on her.

Deis. It was him for sure.

Blind rage fired through her within the second.

How could he? Against my will?

She had no idea what happened with Carl the moment Deis had entered her apartment, it was all such a blur, but Deis would for sure have things handled, but reporting him to the police against her will was something beyond.

“I’m so sorry, J. Better to see his true face now than after the wedding, I suppose?”

She tried to control her voice as much as she could. All of her just wanted to forget what happened and Deis, he just acted. But sure as hell, she wouldn’t be the one dropping that shit on Julie. Nor the drugs thing. All of it had to spin far, far away.

“It’s just so strange. His stuff is still here, but he’s not answering any of my other messages. I just can’t believe it. We’ve been together for ages. Why? How?”

“I don’t know. Only that everyone has secrets. Maybe he wanted to bind you, have you feel secure while he did something else. I dunno.”

“But how could I not see?”

“Because he was always kind and sweet with you and everyone. Maybe it was a mask. Maybe too many green flags are a red flag, I dunno. Don’t blame yourself for other people’s faults. ”

Funny how I give her the advice I should listen to myself.

“I feel so bad. First what happened with you, now Carl–”

Yeah, you should.

“Don’t. Well maybe for the event thing, but with Carl, you couldn’t have known. I’m sure you’ll find someone amazing one day, someone who really values you.”

I sound like Deis on stage. Giving stupid advice while my life’s a mess.

“I don’t know. This might take a lot of time to get over with.”

“You are Julie Regan. You are a ray of sunshine, having people fall for you just by walking by, you will get over him pretty fast I believe,” she said with a forced chuckle.

Julie laughed.

“Thanks, Em. How are you?”

“Thriving in chaos, you know me.” She tried to drive her away as she had absolutely no intention to dive into what happened.

“Give me a call if you need anything.”

“Sure, thanks.”

Pretty sure she would never, she stuffed her phone aside.

So, something happened with Carl. It must’ve been Deis. Must.

With a quick glance at her watch, she saw it was already 7.30 a.m., and in about an hour her shift at the diner would start. It was a job she had taken on just for the sake of having some income and getting her mind off things, her heart wasn’t in there at all. It would be a long and exhausting day. For a moment, she thought about going back to the apartment and taking the rest of the jay to get herself through the day and quieten the pain in her, but then she didn’t want to set foot in the apartment right now.

As she walked up 10th Avenue turning for 34th St., a bit later, she still fumed inside, bathing in a toxic cocktail of her emotions ranging from anger to shame. When she finally reached the diner on the corner of 9th Avenue a familiar deep exhaust sound trailed into her ears. And undoubtedly, when she glanced behind her up 9th Avenue, there it was: the black G-Class. The darin g he had turning up here.

How does he even know where I work?

She hadn’t told anyone. So, he must have her under more surveillance than just the cameras. Just thinking of it made her anger double. Except for a tiny, tiny part of her that found his possessiveness quite enchanting.

I told you to leave

Deis

You shouldn’t be working

Unlike you, some people have to make a living

You won’t make it in a diner, you’re better than that

Fuck off, classist asshole

She loathed people who judged people by their jobs and, even worse, who thought some jobs were less worthy. The job she has had at the agency for a few months was recognized and paid well, but it was the worst job of her life. While the library one not well paid and awfully boring, it was still considered valuable. Working at a diner, however, always made people turn up their noses or even worse, look down on her with pity in their eyes, considering her less – at least in the circle around Julie and Chris. Urgh.

The finest people she had ever met weren ’t the ones at Stone’s or down at Wall Street like Chris, dealing with the big money, but the ones waiting tables, cleaning, protecting the park, driving cabs.

The High Line staff member, for example. Will has worked there for years now, and every day she came there, he’d greet her with a big smile, and she’d greet him back. Until they started talking, and she brought him a coffee one day.

He had been thankful and told her about his family, how they immigrated in the 50s in the hopes of a better life. About how he worked three jobs at sixty-nine and usually skipped two meals so his granddaughter could go to university. Since then, she would always get him a coffee or a sandwich when she visited. And it was Will, who was one of the few people who really wanted to hear how she was, not the platonic “I’m fine.” He was the one who listened to her, asked questions, and always had great life advice for her.

And then there was Deis, sitting on his money in his luxury car, telling people at his events how they can achieve anything if they just believe in themselves. Or telling her she was better than working at a diner while he exploited people and their hopes for fun.

Gods, the injustice of it!

Did she have dreams of earning more money? Sure. But not at the cost of others.

Right now, the diner was fine. It was just exciting enough to keep her interested, keep her mind occupied, and she had at least some money. Not enough to fully pay for her apartment now that Chris moved out, but she would find a solution for it. For now it was Julie.

So, without another glance at him, she went inside, said hi to the others as if nothing happened, changed into the white blouse and black pants, stuffed away not only her things but also her social anxiety, and started her shift.

Although, a packed diner would’ve kept her mind busy from rambling about everything that happened this weekend, a little less frequented day would not overwhelm her that much after all that happened.

As a first action, she made herself a much-needed coffee. Just when her coffee cup was almost full, she heard the vibrations of a voice behind her, shattering through her bones .

“What would you recommend?”