The Kiss Principle (Hazardverse: Sidetracks)

1

“Keep it simple, stupid.”

Augustus sounded like he was trying not to laugh. “That is a terrible name for a life plan.”

“It’s not a life plan, sugar-tits.” It took me a moment to come up with: “It’s a life philosophy.”

“It’s terrible either way.”

“Sorry, Augustus. Not all of us had the opportunity to enroll at Dong Knockers University.”

“I have no idea what that means, but I’m going to take it as a compliment.”

“It’s not. It’s a dig about you being a dong knocker.”

On the other end of the call, Augustus sighed. Then his voice changed, and he said, “I’m talking to your Uncle Fer.”

“Is that Lana? Put her on the phone.”

“You want to say hi?” Augustus said, still speaking to Lana. “I don’t know, sweetheart. He’s pretty busy.”

“Give her the phone, monkey balls!”

“All right, here you go.”

Fumbling and scraping noises came, and then Lana said, “Hi, Uncle Fer.” Her voice was flat, but even the diminished affect couldn’t hide her excitement. It made me smile. “Papi’s taking me snorkeling.”

“Swimming,” Augustus said in the background, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

Lana then launched into a convoluted explanation of...something. It had to do with the pool and with another girl and I thought maybe there was something in there about Finding Nemo . Finally, Augustus’s voice came closer as he said, “Okay, let me talk to Uncle Fer now.”

“Bye, Uncle Fer!”

“Bye, princess.”

“You never had a cute nickname for me,” Augustus said.

“What’s a cute nickname for a crotch fungus you can’t get rid of?”

In the background, Theo said, “Did I hear ‘crotch fungus’?”

“Fer,” Augustus said.

Theo made an understanding noise.

“Tell him to shut the fuck up,” I said.

“He says he loves you,” Augustus said.

“No, I didn’t, dick-snot.”

“Hi, Fer,” Theo said. “I love you too.”

“Tell him he’s an infected ulcer.” Genius struck. “An ass ulcer.”

“He’s got a new life plan,” Augustus said. “He’s going to keep his life simple.”

Theo laughed way too long about that.

“I am going to keep my life simple, fuckwad.”

“You should hear him,” Augustus said, still talking to Theo. “It’s adorable.”

“You know what’s not going to be adorable? When you and Theo send out Christmas cards of you swinging on an ass hook in your sex dungeon.”

“You’re talking about our asses a lot today.”

“That’s because that’s prime real estate for you two butt pirates.”

“Do you think about our asses a lot?”

“This is what I’m talking about. This is the kind of shit I’m not going to have to deal with anymore.”

“Oh Fer.”

I chose to ignore that. “You’re off my hands now because you’re officially the responsibility of the senior living center you call a home.”

“That wasn’t one of your best ones.”

“And Mom’s getting married at the end of the year.”

“God, I hope not.”

“He’s barely older than a cumstain, but he seems like he’s serious, and that means she’ll be out of my hair too.” Augustus’s silence was unhappy, so I hurried past that part. “Chuy is doing his usual fuck-all, but he’s clean, and that means he’s officially not my problem either.”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to say clean. I think you’re supposed to say he’s not using drugs.”

“And now that I actually have a chance to live my own life, I’m going to keep it simple. I’m going to smoke a lot of weed. I’m going to watch whatever I want on TV. And I’m finally going to be done with fucking pharma sales.” I didn’t want to sound like an enormous geek like Augustus, but I couldn’t keep myself from adding, “I’ve got a fucking fantastic chance at a new job.”

“What? Fer, that’s amazing. What job? Where?”

“Do you remember Lou?”

Augustus groaned.

“Knock it off,” I told him.

“Are you serious?”

“She’s got one of the biggest grows in the county. Business is fucking booming.”

“I’m not worried about her business.”

“She’s my friend.”

“She gave me panties for my sixteenth birthday. In front of all my friends. Before I was out.”

“That was a compliment. She said you had the ass for them.”

“She said my wedding photos would be me getting gangbanged by a crew of roughnecks.”

“That was a compliment too. Like, stamina. And a willingness to please.”

A (horrified) pause. “What is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with you, you ungrateful little shit?”

“Why do I ever talk to you? Why do I pick up the phone?”

“It’s a great fucking job, Augustus. Head of sales for the entire fucking grow. It’d mean a pay cut at first, but that business is going to keep getting bigger, and I can swing the pay because—”

“You’re going to keep your life simple,” Augustus said drily.

“Fuckin’ A.”

“Okay. I guess we’ll see how that goes.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

He sounded like he was grinning when he said, “Bye, Fer. See you tomorrow.”