The Marine (Black Hawke Security #3)

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

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I wake, my eyes blinking , and stare at the strange curtains, taking a minute to work out where I am. Once I do, the floodgates open and I press my face into the pillows and cry all over again.

What am I doing?

I just walked away from everyone. In the middle of Savannah’s wedding.

God, I’m selfish.

Guilt rushes through me, but the thought of heading back and facing my life...well, I just can’t do it.

Not yet.

I need time and mental space to figure things out. Without being scared. Without other people’s demands of me.

I take a long hot shower and then dress. I take another hour to go downstairs and find a coffee shop where I have breakfast.

The rest of the afternoon is spent wandering around the shops aimlessly and walking on the soft, warm sand.

I sit on the beach and watch kids play, couples going on romantic strolls like Aidan and I did many years ago. I watch beautiful girls in bikinis strutting their stuff and teenagers hanging out.

People living their life.

A mom walks down to the edge of the water with her toddler and a pang of envy hits me.

Do I want to be a mother? I do, but I could never risk having a child with Kael. He would do what my father did to me. I don’t doubt that.

I wonder how I can stay safely in Los Angeles when I divorce him. I don’t have the money for personal security. Most people don’t.

But I do want to be a mom. Aidan would be an incredible father and husband. I’d never worry about being protected or if he loved me.

Never.

I hate that life tore us apart, and that by choosing him, I’d lose my mother. Tears roll down my face under my sunglasses and I don’t even care who sees.

I just let myself cry.

To grieve the loss, yet again, of the man I love with all my heart.

Life is cruel.

Freeing myself from Kael is one thing, but there is still grief in ending our marriage. Even after all he’s done to me. I can hate him and still feel an utter devastation at our relationship failure.

I might not be religious, but committing to a man for life does something to you. It creates a bond, a unity, that doesn’t exist when you’re dating.

Sure, I had years grieving it with every bruise and broken bone, but making the decision to divorce him is final. It’s over.

On Monday, I will ring Vanessa and tell her to proceed with the divorce. If I have to leave California for a few years and quit my job to be safe, then so be it.

It will also give me space from Aidan.

The man I want but cannot be with.

When I get back to my room, I put on a movie and curl up under the covers.

I don’t want to think anymore.

I don’t want to feel anymore.

I need to escape my thoughts.