The One Who Holds Me (Sovereign Love #4)

19. Olanna

19

OLANNA

NOW

“ C ancer?” My eyes widen as I stare at Alex. “Wow. I…I had no idea. I’m really sorry that happened to you.”

“It’s okay, baby.” He holds my hand and squeezes gently. “You didn’t know because I didn’t tell you.”

With those words, the reality of what really happened hits me and I move my hand away from his grip. “Wait a minute. Did you hear what you just said? You were diagnosed with cancer and you didn’t tell me?” My voice comes out more strained as I struggle to keep my emotions in check.

Heat rises in my chest and a lump builds in my throat as a mixture of anger and sadness turns my stomach sour and threatens to open the floodgates of tears. Remorse washes over his face as he lowers his head. I want to empathize with him, but his actions have sent out betraying daggers into the same heart that loves him.

“So, all those times you told me your dad was sick, you were the one who was going to the hospital?”

He sighs and nods.

“Was your dad ever sick at all?”

He doesn’t need to respond because his expression exposes his lies. “Olanna, I…”

“I can’t believe this.” I cut him short, my voice trembling. “How could you keep such information away from me? Did you think I wouldn’t understand? That I wouldn’t care enough to stand by you?”

He opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off again.

“Was I not a good girlfriend to you? Was I not a good friend to you? Did you find me so appalling that you didn’t trust me enough to open up about what you were going through?”

“No, it’s not that I didn’t trust you.”

“Then what was it, Alex? I’m sure you told Kwame everything, right? You told Kwame, yet you claimed I was your best friend. What excuse could you possibly give to explain why you lied to me?”

“I was scared.” Tears wet his eyes as he stares straight into mine. “I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. I was scared of what you would think of me. I was ashamed that…” He pauses and lowers his head again before wiping his tears with the sleeve of his shirt. “I was ashamed to tell you that there was a possibility my fertility would be affected. I was scared that you wouldn’t look at me the same and that you would leave me.”

An unintentional snort escapes from my mouth, but it doesn’t mask the tears flowing from my eyes. “Well, isn’t that ironic?” I lean back in my chair. “You were scared that I would leave, but you were the one who broke up with me.”

“I had too many things going through my mind.” I reach for her hand again, but she pulls away. “After the surgery, I wanted to tell you everything, but I wasn’t okay, Olanna. The physical ailment was out of my body, but my mind was not in the right place. For months, I kept checking and rechecking because I kept convincing myself I had found another lump.

“Every time I had a cough, I convinced myself it was lung cancer and every time I had a headache, I was sure it was a brain tumor. It messed up my head because even though God healed me, there was always that feeling of uncertainty hanging at the back of my mind about whether it’ll come back. I didn’t want to dump that on you. I didn’t want to be a burden to you.” He presses his lips together as another tear falls.

I want to step forward and wipe his tears, but I’m rooted to my spot. “You should’ve told me, Alex. If you had said something, you would’ve spared me a lot of pain.”

“Yes, but the story doesn’t end there. Something else happened and I…”

“I’m tired of your lies, Alex. I’m tired of your excuses and your explanations. You know I would’ve stood by you, but you shut me out. You were only thinking about yourself, weren’t you?”

“Olanna, it was a difficult time for me, but I never stopped loving you and you know it.”

I get off the high chair, my feet landing firmly on the ground. “No, I don’t know anything. I don’t know you. The man I fell in love with trusted me. He would’ve never treated me the way you did and you’re not him.”

Alex steps down from his chair too and holds my hand, the warmth of his touch sending tingles up my arm. “Olanna, it’s still me,” he says, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand. “I’m still the man you fell in love with, but a much better man who will make it up to you. Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it, please.”

My heart melts at his soft gaze and the more he caresses my hand, the more I want him to pull me close. As I stare at his hand on mine, for a moment, I let my guard down, my heart remembering the old times, when his arms felt like home.

But even if I pull him close, even if I let him hold me, his daggers are still wedged deep into my heart. Since the day he let me walk out of his life, I’ve only seen him as Alex—the guy who broke my heart.

“I gave my heart to you and I loved you in every way I could. Every day, I stood by you, but when the going got tough, you chose yourself and I no longer mattered to you. You ran away and guess what? You lost a good thing, so deal with the consequences. I’ve spent the last two years trying to get over you, and I will not put myself through this again. I’m sorry that you had cancer and I’m glad God healed you, but I can’t do this.” I close my eyes and remove my hand from his grip. “I’m sorry.”

“Olanna…”

“Nothing you say or do will change my mind, Alex. Please, leave me alone.” I grab my bag from the table and walk past him.

“Olanna, please wait. There’s something else I need to tell you. Please.” His voice calls out to me, but I don’t stop. My determined steps take me all the way back to the parking lot and when I’m safe in my car, I let the uncontrollable sobs break free.