The One Who Holds Me (Sovereign Love #4)

21. Alex

21

ALEX

NOW

I used to have dreams that the cancer came back. These dreams intensified the weeks after my surgery. While I was in hospital, I had faith that God is a healer and He came through for me and healed me. But as soon as I got out of the hospital, I looked for every single opportunity to make myself believe I was going to end up in the hospital again.

For a long time, there was nothing my parents or Kwame could say to make me believe otherwise. I just couldn’t shake off the feeling that if it had happened once, then it could happen again. Living in that constant fear wrecked me. I went from living my life for God to doing things because of the fear of the unknown. The fact that I had so many uncertainties about myself was the reason I started pushing Olanna away.

I thought she would understand when I told her yesterday, but of course, I thought wrong. This is something I should’ve told her two years ago. I see that now. It would’ve made more sense if I had opened up to her then. No matter how hard I try to explain now, she won’t be able to get past the fact that I hurt her. I shot myself in the foot and this is me paying for it.

Trust Me, my beloved.

Lord, I do. I trust You, but nothing I’ve done so far has helped. I don’t see how this can ever work out. Olanna hates me.

Is there anything impossible for Me to do?

No, Lord. There isn’t.

Then trust Me, My beloved. I am still at work. Trust Me.

The sound of my ringing phone forces me to open my eyes and my gaze lands on the golden chandelier hanging down from the ceiling of my studio apartment. After watching Olanna drive off yesterday from the parking lot with tears in her eyes, guilt ravaged my being as I drove back to my apartment. As soon as I got in, I jumped into the shower and lay on my bed because I didn’t have the motivation or the appetite to cook anything. I didn’t realize when I fell asleep.

My phone rings again, and I lean over to grab it from the nightstand. It’s eight AM. I rub my eyes as I stare at the photo of Dad and me on my phone screen. “Hello?” My voice is groggy, so I clear my throat and speak again. “Hey, Dad.”

“Good morning, Yaw. Are you okay?” His voice comes through the phone and I place it on speaker as I walk over to the couch next to the window.

“Yes, I am. How’s Mom?”

“I’m doing well, my darling.” Mom’s voice takes over and I know they have me on speakerphone. “We’re about to leave for church, but I was worried about you as we hadn’t heard from you in a few days, so I asked your dad to call you to make sure you’re okay.”

I smile and rub my forehead. She’ll never change. Always a worrier. “I’m fine, Mom.”

“ Wow? awer?hyem?” She asks in Twi.

“Yes, Mom. I’m very sure.”

“No, I’m not convinced because you sound low. Does this have anything to do with Olanna?”

I let out a sigh as I forgot how intuitive Mom gets. She’s not going to give up, so there’s no point prolonging this conversation. “Yes, Mom. It does. I finally spoke to her yesterday.” I explain how it all went down and one blessing that has come with being an only child is that the attention has always been on me.

My parents are both so approachable and I’ve never had issues with telling them about my personal problems. They always tell me the truth, correct me if I’m going the wrong way, and encourage me when I feel discouraged.

“The frustrating thing is that she didn’t let me finish my explanation. I didn’t get the chance to tell her about my trip to Ghana and I don’t know if she’ll ever listen to me again.”

“Hmm. I understand where she’s coming from,” Dad chimes in.

“Yes, I do too. That’s why I don’t blame her. The problem is, I don’t know where to go from here.”

“You still love her, don’t you?” Mom asks.

I nod before realizing she can’t see me, so I use my words. “Yes, Mom. I thought my feelings had fizzled, but seeing her the last two weeks has only confirmed that those feelings never went away. I still love her.”

“Do you know if she reciprocates those feelings?”

I sigh and stare out my window. “I’m not sure, Mom. If she does, she has a good way of hiding it. When we had lunch yesterday, it was nice to sit there and reminisce about all the good times we had. I missed talking to her and spending time with her. Apart from being a loving girlfriend, she was a wonderful friend to me and I blew it.”

“Yaw, the past is in the past,” Dad speaks. “To move forward from this, you have to stop dwelling on the past. Yes, you made mistakes and hurt her, but let’s focus on how we’ll move forward from here. What has God said to you?”

I clear my throat. “Well, every time I pray about this, I get the same response, which is that I should trust Him.”

“Then do so,” Mom says. “ Onyankop?n renhy? wo aniwu da . Never. God can never put you to shame.”

“Amen. Thanks, Mom.” Mom and Dad spend a few minutes praying for me in Twi and when they’re done, we say our goodbyes and end the call.

After looking at the gorgeous view outside my window for a few minutes, the previous doubt that filled my heart slowly fades away, and in its place, hope that God’s got this.

So before I can talk my heart into unbelief again, I push myself off the couch and make some omelets and toast. I would’ve put the eggs to good use if I made kosua ne meko instead. It’s a Ghanaian snack made from boiled eggs stuffed with tomato relish. But all is not lost. That’ll be my adventure for tomorrow.

After breakfast, I shower again and sit on the couch in the living room area of the apartment. Picking up the TV remote, I put it on and scroll through the different TV stations before settling for YouTube and playing some worship songs by the Ghanaian gospel artist Joe Mettle. I pick up my Bible and open it up to the back, which has a list of Bible passages about different topics. Under the title ‘trust,’ the first suggested story is the story of Abraham.

Opening my Bible to Genesis chapter twelve, I read about Abraham’s story, from when God first called him to when God promised him a son, and finally to when God asked him to sacrifice his son, Isaac. In all these circumstances, it must’ve taken a lot of trust to believe that the outcome would be good, even though Abraham couldn’t see the result. I flip through to Hebrews chapter eleven and read the first verse, which says:

Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see.

Even though I can’t see the end right now, I can rest because I know God can be trusted. If He could heal me from my previous physical and emotional traumas, what makes me think He can’t come through for me now?

In the past, I ran away when the going got tough, but this time, I’m staying with God till the end. God brought me here and I refuse to leave without accomplishing what He sent me to do.