The One Who Holds Me (Sovereign Love #4)

26. Olanna

26

OLANNA

THEN

“ S o you finally remembered that I exist?” I frown at Alex, who is making his way toward my table at the library. Since his dad got sick, he has been scarce, and seeing him today is a leisure I can’t take for granted. I deserve answers.

Instead of responding to my question, Alex pulls out the chair next to me and settles on it. He reaches for my hand and squeezes it, but I turn my face away. “Baby, I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I zap my head back in his direction. “For ignoring me? Not answering my text messages? Not picking up my calls or canceling our dates? What exactly are you sorry for, Alex?”

“For everything.” He averts his gaze to the bookshelves behind me. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“You can’t even look me in the eye when you apologize. This is so not you.” I push my textbooks to the side and lean forward, covering his free hand with mine. “Alex, please tell me the truth. What’s going on with you? Is it still about your dad? Is his condition getting worse? Tell me, please.”

He sighs and shakes his head. “I can’t.” His voice is a whisper as tears wet his eyes.

“You can’t or you won’t?”

“I can’t,” he repeats. “All I can say is that next week, my parents and I will be traveling to Portland for fall break. We’ll be visiting family there, so I might be a little busy. There’s so much I’m still trying to figure out about myself and my family. It’s a lot to take in for me, and I know it will be a lot for you.”

“That’s not fair. Let me be the judge of that.” My voice breaks, and tears slip from my eyes.

“Baby, when the time is right, I’ll tell you everything. I promise.”

No matter how much I want to believe him, I can’t shake the feeling that he’s lying to me. “Alex, what happened to us? You used to tell me everything. But these days, it feels as if you enjoy pushing me away.”

He lowers his head and leans his forearms on his thighs before whispering, “I don’t enjoy pushing you away. This isn’t easy for me. You don’t understand.”

“Then make me understand.” I move my chair closer and take hold of his hands again. “Tell me what you’d like me to do to help. I want to help you. All I’m asking is that you let me in, please.”

He lifts his head and looks at me, but when he goes for several minutes without saying anything, I’m convinced there’s an internal battle within him. But I don’t know what exactly he’s battling. Lord, please help him talk to me.

He reaches for my face and holds it in his hands, his warmth traveling all over my body. “If you want to help me, then baby, please pray for me. That’s all I need right now.” And with that, he kisses my forehead, stands up, and walks away.

“Alex, please wait. Alex!!!” I call out to him, but he doesn’t respond. I want to run after him, scream in his face, and throw things at him until he opens up to me. But I’ll be fighting a lost battle because he has made the decision to keep me out of that part of his life. I don’t have the words to describe just how much that hurts.

I’ve never lived through a more tortuous week than this one. Every part of my body hurts. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t concentrate, and I’ve woken up every morning with surging pains in my chest that have almost sent me to the ER.

Since speaking to Alex on Monday, I haven’t taken my eyes off my phone. Every time it beeps, pings, or vibrates, my fingers grab it so fast, I’ve even dropped the phone twice now, cracking the screen in the process.

“Girl, are you sure you’re okay?” India asked me last night when we were having dinner.

“Alex still hasn’t told you anything?” Danielle leaned in and rubbed my back.

I shook my head at them as tears rolled down my cheeks and a lump built in my throat. The girls have been by my side since I noticed a change in Alex three months ago. With this being my first relationship, I wasn’t sure if I was doing anything wrong, so I opened up to them about my worries.

Hearing India say that it was normal for couples to have challenging seasons was reassuring. At first, it made sense that Alex would be a bit withdrawn if his dad was sick, but I can’t shake the gnawing feeling that there’s more to his actions than he’s letting on.

Every day, when the girls ask me for an update, I wish I could tell them everything is okay now, so they wouldn’t think Alex is a jerk. I know he’s not a jerk, but as each day passes, I’m struggling to defend his actions.

Today is Friday and I’m going home tomorrow to spend fall break with my family. I was hoping we would resolve this before tomorrow, but I’ve lost all hope of that happening.

I’ve called him three times today and each time he lets it go to voicemail, the intensity of the pain in my chest goes up a notch. At least he still cares enough to respond to my text messages, but his answers to my questions provide no reassurance for me.

Me: Babe, please stop ignoring my calls. ??

Alex: typing …

Me: Why are you doing this to us? Please pick up the phone, so we can talk about this.

Alex: typing…

Me: Your actions are really hurting me, Alex. ??

Alex: Baby, my flight to Portland is at 9am on Monday. I’ll be back at the end of the week and I promise I’ll tell you everything then. Trust me, baby. Please.

I throw my phone on my bed before pacing the length of my room. “I don’t understand what’s going on with him.”

India and Danielle are sitting on the edge of my bed, with their eyes following my every movement. I’ve been crying for the last half hour and my throat hurts so much I’m losing my voice.

“Are you sure Kwame didn’t tell you anything?” I turn to India, who shakes her head with sympathy in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, girl. I’ve been nagging him for the past week about it and he insisted he doesn’t know anything and that even if he did, he didn’t feel it was his place to say anything.”

I stop pacing and rub my hands together. “I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe Alex is doing this to me.”

“Do you think he’s cheating?” India asks and Danielle smacks her arm with a notebook. “Ouch! Girl, what did you do that for?” India rubs her arm and frowns at Danielle. “It was just a question, and it’s a valid possibility.”

India is right. It is a valid possibility, and I have thought about it a thousand times. Even though my head would want to believe something like that, my heart believes otherwise. The pain and hurt in Alex’s eyes were too real. There’s something genuinely troubling him and he wouldn’t share it with me.

“No, I don’t think he’s cheating. He said it’s about his family and I believe him. I also understand if he doesn’t want to divulge specific information about his dad or family members. Some people are protective about their family business like that.”

“That’s true,” India agrees. “My mom is like that. When I was ten years old, I told my piano tutor I was late for the lesson because my mom and dad had an argument. When my mom found out I had run my mouth, she gave me an earful for a month about how I need to keep family business within the family.”

Danielle chuckles. “And yet, you still run your mouth.”

It’s India’s turn to smack Danielle’s arm and as the two girls bicker at each other, my breath hitches, my throat closes up, and stabbing pains travel up my chest as I fight to breathe.

I stagger backward while India and Danielle rush to my side and guide me to the bed. Danielle brings out a brown paper bag from her backpack and hands it to me. After five minutes of breathing in and out, my heart rate calms down and my throat unclogs, but the tears don’t stop.

A squeezing headache travels around my temples down to the back of my neck, and I lean forward and groan in pain. India takes out some Tylenol from her purse and gives it to me while Danielle hands me a glass of water.

After taking the pain medicine, I lay my head on India’s lap as tears continue streaming down my face and Danielle rubs my back gently in a circular motion. My phone vibrates and when I check the caller ID, it’s Manny. I turn the phone on silent and place it on the bed.

“Aren’t you going to get that?” Danielle asks, and I shake my head.

“No. Manny would flip if he hears what Alex is doing to me. I don’t want him traveling down here and beating Alex up.”

“I think Alex deserves a whooping, if you ask me,” India mumbles under her breath and Danielle sends her a glare.

“Yeah, I think so too, actually.” I smile through the tears and dab the corners of my eyes. “I just wish it hadn’t come to this.”

“I’m so sorry, Olanna.” Danielle squeezes my shoulder. “Is there anything you’d like us to do for you?”

I sniffle. “Pray for me, please. Just pray that Alex should come around and that God should give me the strength to endure this because it hurts. It hurts so much.”

The girls hold hands around me, and they sing worship songs and pray for me. Within a few minutes, a sense of peace washes over me and I’m able to fall asleep again for the first time in one week.