The Only Song (Only You)

36. Jaxon

Chapter 36

Jaxon

O rchestra mates chatter around me as they filter out the rehearsal studio. I wrestle with the sharp insecurity in my mind every time someone casts a look my way. It twists my stomach to see their faces that read what happened to you? Or why do you still come here? Even if it’s not meant to be negative, my wounded mind takes it that way and no matter how I shake my head, I can’t clear it.

So I stare at the carpet on the floor instead, like it’s woven in the most intricate pattern, and wait for the one set of eyes who doesn’t look at me that way.

Hazel with glints of honey and gold. Round and piercing that tells me she sees right through me. Paired with a sassy mouth that is the only thing that brings a smile to my face.

Her laugh rings down the hall like bells as she walks out with Miles and Anh, their instruments strapped to their backs and dressed in all black, and I can’t help the way my eyes immediately grip on her. My heart tugs when I see her wide doe eyes already looking at me. We stare at each other like no one else is around. In the distance, I think I hear Miles groan and roll his eyes at us while Anh looks on with a knowing smirk.

I stopped caring what others would think the moment I wasn’t sitting in a stand with her anymore, ignoring the voices in my head that still warned me to be careful. But she’s not a secret to be kept tucked away, and I’m tired of keeping secrets.

I’ve cajoled myself ever since I stepped down in the orchestra by still attending the rehearsals. It keeps me from being in a stupor because if I let myself stay home while she rehearsed, I’d plummet even faster than I already am into a deep depression. One I don’t know how I’d get out of. She keeps my head above water for now.

My face is buried in her neck in seconds as she wraps her arms around me, all rose and vanilla and sweetness and mine and the world fades away.

“Bye, lovebirds,” Miles sings as they pass, but Sadie and I are too locked on each other to respond.

Her soft waves caress my cheek and I nuzzle deeper, sighing when she asks, “How are you?”

My lips cover hers in a soft kiss, and I murmur, “Better now that you’re here. ”

Her smile is soft and when she leans her head in my chest, I wish I could stay in her embrace forever, cocoon myself with her but I know at some point I’m going to have to face the daunting reality of figuring out my future. For now, I let myself sink until a crisp voice cuts from a distance.

“ Sadie Love,” the voice purrs. In my arms, Sadie stiffens noticeably. She peers up at me questioningly, and my eyes reluctantly drag off her face to the woman standing behind us.

Pale blonde hair. Cutting cheekbones. Lips tight in a cocky smile. It makes my hairs stand on end and when Sadie twists in my arms to face her, I keep her locked on my chest in protection.

Ekaterina looks at us with pure malice in her eyes and everything about her stance screams deadly. Deadly to us.

“You know, when my husband first told me I didn’t believe it at first. But after he got kicked off the tour—” Her piercing blue eyes slice up to me. “I guess he was right.”

“What are you talking about?” I grit, my voice all gravel.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, Jaxon,” she snaps.

Sadie shifts in my grip and I can’t help but grip her tighter. Flashes of my past fly forward into my mind as Ekaterina continues to stare menacingly. An audition, an applause followed by a question. The question was all it took for everything to come apart.

“How do you feel about Sadie Love?” A panelist asked on my way out of my audition six years ago. Deep in my stomach, I knew this shouldn’t be a question I should answer. But I answered anyway.

“You don’t want to work with her.” The words slipped from my mouth before I could think better of it. Because when I thought about Sadie, my chest wanted to crumble with how overwhelmed by her I felt. How sucked in to her warmth I wanted to be. How I chose to walk away even though I was drunk on feelings for her but too career-driven and ambitious to think I could have love and a relationship when I grew up being told otherwise.

“Focus on your career first, Jax,” my parents would always say. “Love can come later.”

It’s ironic that I took that literally. Thinking of Sadie Love, of all people, more than just relationships. But I never saw her again after that night and it wasn’t until I heard what I’d said float around the music stands that guilt made me never want to reach out to her again.

“You haven’t told her, Jaxon?” Ekaterina taunts me. My blood drains from my face as I stare back at her. This isn’t how Sadie should find out about that audition. But now I realize I set myself up for this. Because this is something I should have told her about before I started to be more public with her.

My words come out strained. “Sadie, we need to talk in private.”

But Sadie’s frozen as Ekaterina doesn’t stop her assault, blue eyes slicing to her hazels and her voice slithering like poison down our throats.

“I mean, why else was I trying to climb Jaxon if not to shake him for fucking with things? But you shouldn’t be surprised, Sadie. He fucked with you first.”

I squeeze on Sadie’s arm gently, but Ekaterina has sucked her in with some fake empathetic expression, as if to say she knows how she must feel.

Sadie, to her credit, is too innocent and too curious to know not to step into a spider’s lair. And Ekaterina is webbing her right in.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sadie says shakily.

“Well, your boyfriend does,” Ekaterina sings, her smile cruel and scathing. My heart sinks with the creeping thought this will be my ruin. That Sadie is finding out too late and there’s no way this can come out without hurting her. There was no way she wouldn’t have been hurt at all—not without me being in the picture. That was my point of being away from her all those years, right? But I caved. Sucked in by all her sass and smiles like I knew I would be and thinking I could live without this ever coming out.

But I was wrong. So very wrong.

My hands loosen, just enough for Sadie to twist and look up at me. My biggest fear in this moment is that she’ll run before I get the chance to say I’m sorry, so I keep her caged in my arms with pleading eyes. Her only response is to furrow her brow tighter.

“What is she talking about, Jax?” Sadie whispers. My throat constricts as her hazel eyes harden and I know the truth will far from soften them.

“I can tell you everything, but please let’s go somewhere else,” I say anxiously. Sadie’s mouth gapes open and a hint of fear in her expression sends a pang through my chest.

“Yes, Jaxon. Tell her,” Ekaterina taunts. “Tell her why she shouldn’t trust you.”

“Trust?” The word chokes in Sadie’s throat. Flashes of betrayal now spark in her eye.

I look behind her to glare at Ekaterina. “Leave us. Please.”

“Are those your famous last words?” Ekaterina prowls.

But all I hear is Sadie rasp, “Why shouldn’t I trust you?”

“You can trust me. Just let me explain—” I start, but it’s cut off by a blur in my periphery. Fear contorts Sadie’s face, her eyes widen out of her sockets, skin pale as a sheet, and her mouth drops open. Her hands on my chest tremble as the man who passed sidles up to stand by Ekaterina.

Now, I know I’m done for.

“Oh, honey. Good, you’re here,” Ekaterina coos and wraps an arm around his waist as he presses a kiss to her cheek.

Anxiously, Sadie turns and even with my hands on her shoulders, I feel the warmth sucked out of her. She’s cold with fear, angst, and disgust. I squeeze her shoulders gently, but it’s little comfort to her as I hear the breath whoosh out her lungs when Ekaterina says, “Sadie, meet my husband, Smith.”

Smith stands beside his wife with that same cocky grin as the day he tried to touch Sadie in Chicago. The day he wanted to pull her skirt up and fuck her. The day I made a call to get him off the tour so Sadie wouldn’t have to worry about him again.

Ekaterina and Smith could not be a more disgusting pair and to make things worse they’re coming for me for reasons I don’t know except that they’ve brought Sadie into the mix in a way that will hurt her even more than just hearing the truth from me.

“Sadie. Let’s go.” I try again to pull her away but only manage two steps back.

“Oh, don’t leave yet, Jaxon. I haven’t congratulated her,” Smith croons and my teeth clench. The scowl on his face makes my muscles pull taut. Sharp pain shoots to my forehead at the sudden tension, but I’m so coiled with anger that my deepest secret is about to come to light.

There’s still time. I can still be the one to tell her. If I can get her the fuck away from them .

“Sadie,” Smith turns to her now with that menacing grin. “Congratulations on fucking your way to the top.”

“What?” Sadie chokes, her jaw sags. Ekaterina and Smith begin to cackle like a bunch of hyenas cornering their prey and she’s at their mercy. My stomach lurches to my throat and all will to hurl Sadie over my shoulder and run away evaporates as Smith cuts me of my chances.

“C’mon now. Jaxon never told you the rumor? It was him who said it, after all.”

“That’s enough,” I growl. Pulling Sadie to my side, stepping an inch before her. My arm stretches out as if it might shield her from damage even though the damage is already done.

“Aw, so protective,” Ekaterina coos, looking gleefully up at her husband.

Smith’s beady eyes round on me now with that same cutting grin. “Oh. So, she is your girlfriend now, Jaxon? Or is she really a slut like you said?”

Sadie’s gaze pierces my cheek now and I feel her slipping from my grasp.

“I said, that’s enough!” My voice booms, but it’s smothered by the carpet. Sadie slips around my arm to stand between us, looking lost and alone and helpless. When I try to reach for her, she flinches, and it sends a stab through my chest.

“What did he say?” Her voice is barely a whisper and my eyes crinkle in shame.

“See, Sadie. I was meant to be Jaxon’s stand partner. Until you came along,” Smith continues, and I want to wrap my hands around his neck to make him stop. “Made no sense to me why they’d push me back a stand, but then I remember that old rumor.”

“Why are you doing this?” I ask him painfully. I don’t miss how Sadie’s arms grow limp, eyes glassy and cheeks pink. This must hurt her so badly and all I can do is watch it all crash down. Watch everything we built burn .

“Because you took away my chance at being Concertmaster,” he seethes. “I knew you were going to retire soon, Jaxon. I saw you in that concert where you froze.”

The stage lights shine bright in my mind. My arm locked up. The orchestra hesitating as I took a breath to will through the pain.

“But then your girl took my seat, and I lost my chance. I thought I’d try and scare her a bit back in Chicago, make her leave and claim that seat back.”

The memories won’t stop now. Smith’s palms on her hip. Sadie pushed up against the wall. His lips grating on her neck.

“You had to fuck me off the tour, didn’t you? Was this your plan so you could fuck your girl?”

His words sound like bones snapping, and I cringe with every gut punch.

“That’s not what this is,” I grate out .

“You’ve been Concertmaster long enough, Jaxon. If you didn’t replace me with her?—”

“I didn’t make that choice!” I yell. I didn’t. Bert makes the final seating choices. He should know this.

“She’s on this tour. You could’ve worked your magic like all those years ago where you kept her from getting a seat by telling everyone she was the orchestra slut. Too hot to handle, too hard to work with. She’ll fuck everyone in the stands and make practice miserable. Ain’t that right?”

His eyes slide down to Sadie, who’s shaking on the spot. A choked sob escapes her lips and her hands fly up to cover her mouth. I break from my freeze and step in front of her. This conversation is over.

“Get. The fuck. Out,” I hiss, glaring toward Ekaterina and Smith. Their grins are victorious, but this time, they don’t fight, looping arms and walking towards the doors.

Ekaterina pauses at my shoulder. “Break a leg, Jaxon. You’re gonna need it.”

As much as I hate them for doing this, I hate myself more because I never should’ve gotten Sadie in this situation.

She stands crestfallen in the middle of the hallway. All light and glow about her extinguished.

My fingers touch her shoulder lightly and she springs off like I burned her.

I practically have.

“Don’t touch me, please.” It comes out a soft cry as her shoulders shake from her sobs. With shaky legs, she walks to a nearby bench, leaving me stranded in the open, aching to reach her but knowing that I can’t. Not after everything we built was shattered by a truth I chose to keep from her. Then stabbed deep with malice from two individuals with some vendetta against me.

“I wondered. For so long. Why I could never get in,” she pants. Her hands scrunch into her hair, the red curls tangling in her grip. “The orchestra slut?” She laughs hollowly and the way she says it will forever haunt me.

“It was a mistake. I—” I choke off because nothing I say will make sense. That six years ago, the touch of her lips alone was enough to send me reeling. That I was so overwhelmed with how much I was falling for her but too ambitious and scared of losing my career over it. Because I thought what if my parents were right? Would I fall into the same trap as them? Married too young and out of convenience? Unable to live their dream because they had a child too early?

The dejection on Sadie’s face spears through me. I never thought that she’d become a dream I wanted. I didn’t allow myself to with the words I uttered.

“I can’t do this, Jaxon,” Sadie says, the words a rushed whisper. “I can’t be around you right now.”

“Sadie. Stop.”

She gets up woodenly, avoiding my gaze. “I trusted you, Jax,” she chokes on a sob that cracks my heart in two. “But you didn’t trust me enough to tell me this. And I just can’t be around you right now.”

“Please don’t leave,” I plead.

“Don’t follow me back. I’ll be out of your place in an hour.”

“Sadie. Don’t .” My hands pause on her shoulders, but she slips through. “Please. Sadie, I love you.”

She stops short. Hazel eyes rimmed with red, dragging up to meet me. Her teeth sink into her bottom lip and I want to capture it with mine. I want her to feel how sorry I am. Feel how much love I have for her.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers and when she turns to leave, my heart fractures completely.