The Proposition (Hush Hush Duet #2.5)

Chapter 14

Fourteen

M y mind has been on my doctor’s appointment since the moment I woke up.

I’m antsy. Nervous. I can’t catch a good breath. I can’t think about anything else. I’ve tossed and turned in bed all week and hardly slept. I keep checking the clock. Only a couple of minutes pass, and I get annoyed with myself for checking again.

You’d think I was going to court to hear my prison sentence, not to the gyno to get bloodwork.

I blow out a strenuous breath, trying to calm my racing heart. When I made the appointment earlier in the week, I asked a bunch of questions at the time. The receptionist was kind and answered them. She told me it’s common for pregnancy tests to give mixed results. She sees it all the time. I learned that I won’t be doing an ultrasound just yet and the lab results will take at least forty-eight hours to get back. If I’m positive, then I will have to come back to do the ultrasound to see how far along I am…and what I decide to do.

I reach for my cup of tea and dip the bag a few times in the hot water. Tea doesn’t hit quite the same as coffee, but I’m trying to be healthier and not ingest copious amounts of caffeine at the moment. I’m sitting at my desk at Sanctuary, reviewing the paperwork from women applying for a place to live. For years I always told myself that if I got pregnant, I wouldn’t keep the baby. James and I had agreed to not having kids. He’s too old, and I don’t have a maternal bone in my body. But now that I’m faced with the possibility, I don’t know what I would do.

Would we have this baby?

I curse to myself and flip the folder closed, feeling defeated. There are only so many beds available at Sanctuary. I can’t give everyone a place to sleep. So many people are homeless, hungry, in need of a shower and a safe place to sleep. It breaks my heart that I have to turn women away. I want to help everyone. I try to take in as many children and mothers as I can, but I can’t single out the solo women either. It’s tough, and the decision isn’t an easy one. I wish I could buy a huge piece of land, build a compound, and give everyone a place to live to restart their lives. I’ve considered opening a third Sanctuary. James offered to help, but the demand is steep. It’s a vicious cycle.

I shoot a glance at the clock again and realize that it’s finally time to go home. There’s no way I’m going to the gynecologist without taking a shower first. Not that it matters or that I’m not clean. I’m sure the doctors see much more on a delivery table.

Grabbing my purse, I tuck a couple of the files in my arm to review at home tonight. I leave the bland tea on my desk. Next time I need to add honey. Turning the lights off, I shut the door to my office and say goodbye to my team then make my way to the subway.

I peel off the tape and remove the cotton ball where the blood was drawn earlier and throw it out. The appointment took all of ten minutes. I didn’t even need to spread my legs and get prodded. I begged my doctor to call me as soon as the results come in, and she promised she would.

Leaving the ladies room, I find James waiting outside for me. We just had lunch at Balthazar, where we shared a couple of dishes and then ended our lunch date with a cappuccino. James had one too. I was craving coffee and missing it big time.

James takes my hand in his, and we begin walking down the block. The cool air awakens my senses. There’s still snow on the ground from the last fall. Surprisingly, I’m not as tense as I was prior to my appointment. The anxiety is gone, and my chest doesn’t feel like it’s closing in anymore. The way I see it, what’s done is done. I’ll have real results in a few days.

James wraps his arm around my shoulders. His presence comforts me. I lean into his side, and he kisses the top of my head.

“Have you noticed how many people are pregnant?”

He lets out a little huff of a laugh. “Yes, I did, actually. Funny how you don’t notice that before.”

“Right? I swear it’s all I see now.”

Big bellies are popping at every corner. Backs arched as they waddle. My brows bunch together as I try to imagine myself like that. My frown deepens when I can’t.

“I know I said I won’t what-if until the results are back, but what if I really am pregnant? Would we have a change of heart? I keep asking myself, and I don’t have an answer.”

James kisses the side of my face as we walk together. “We’ll decide once and for all when the results are in. I can’t say I don’t want to see you pregnant with my child. Big and round, needing your feet rubbed, midnight runs to fill your cravings. It’s adorable. If I let myself dream, I’d have multiple kids with you. But the reality is, I know what it takes to raise a child, the responsibility that it comes with, and I don’t know if having a child fits our lifestyle.” He pauses. “I’m getting older.”

I’m partially relieved his views on children is in line with mine. The other part of me says it’s wrong to be happy.

“Do you feel guilty for thinking that?”

I bit the inside of my cheek as I wait for his answer. I’m supposed to want to have a baby because I’m a woman. But I don’t want kids. I never have, and yet I feel selfish for my choice. All my grammy wanted was to be a housewife and mother. It was her only goal in life, and she got it. She loved having kids and being pregnant.

The thought gives me hives.

I remind myself it’s okay that I have different aspirations. Some women are meant to get pregnant and raise kids. I’m not one of them.

Then again, I didn’t see myself getting married either.

“No. I’d feel guilty for bringing a child into this world that I couldn’t dedicate my time to again. I did that once with Natalie and am still facing the consequences to this day. Just because we lived in the same home doesn’t mean I was a good father. It requires more than just physical effort.”

This was also a thought in my mind—not having the time to raise a child given how busy my life is.

“Do you think you could love another? That you have the love to give?”

“Yes,” he says without a second thought. “You would too. It comes more naturally than you think. The moment Natalie was born, it was a love like no other.”

I consider his words and wonder if the same would happen with me.

“Is something wrong with me? Shouldn’t I want to be pregnant? Shouldn’t I want to have a baby? I don’t know what I want.”

James shakes his head. He adjusts his black sunglasses on his nose then says, “You’re being too hard on yourself. Pregnancy is tough, and a child is a lifelong commitment. There is nothing wrong with not wanting either.”

“Do you think it’s easier for you to decide since you are already a parent?”

“Possibly. But life then was very different than life now. I think it would present more of a challenge now.”

We turn left and continue walking. James quietly leads, and I follow. The icy-cool breeze billows against my cheeks. We stroll three city blocks before he speaks again.

“I can feel you overthinking, sweetheart. I’m going to remind you of the two centers for single parents you own and operate full time. They’re strangers, but you care for the people like they’re your family.” When he puts it like that, tears immediately climb to my eyes. “They look up to you like you’re their mother. You already have what it takes. Stop questioning whether you would be a good parent. If you need further evidence, didn’t you take care of your grandmother before she passed away? Let’s not forget about Lucy and how you spoil her. Love is a two-way street.”

I’m leaning into James as he wraps an arm around my shoulders and kisses the top of my head. I’m trying to fight back the onslaught of emotion coursing through my heart, but his words choke me up. I hadn’t viewed Sanctuary as my child, but in a way, Sanctuary is my child. She is my baby. I care for the people who live there unconditionally.

I think back to Grammy. “Give love toward anything that has a beating heart,” she used to say to me.

Sniffling, I tip my head back and take the night sky, wishing again she was here.

I think she would be so proud.