The Secrets of Roan Island

27. Noah

27

Noah

“ F uck!” I roar at the same time something cracks against the door behind me.

You are exactly like him .

I stalk through the lab into the library ready to raze the room to the ground, only to catch sight of the armchair where she’d pleasured me the night before. I stop short in the doorway, recalling the taste of her blood on my tongue, the way her pleasure became mine.

I want to keep her.

You are exactly like him.

I think about how she trusted me with her secrets, with her body.

You are exactly like him.

I turn around and face that metal door. Where I’ve locked her in.

She’s right. She’s fucking right.

I’m no better than David.

Fuck, I’m worse.

I hang my head, breathing deeply to control my rage. I knew she wouldn’t like the plan—maybe on some level that’s why I did it. Every fiber of my being is primed to protect her. Even from me. But I know how much she hates dark, confined spaces. I’ve seen the evidence of her panic first hand. And I still locked her up.

I curse, uncertain what to do.

There are threats she doesn’t understand.

But I don’t want to be the kind of monster her ex was. I’m long past saving, but I can’t leave her in there, even if some part of me likes the idea. I want her willing in my arms. I want her spirit. I want her blood on fire on my tongue. I want her to see me as I am, all parts of me, even that room, and choose to be with me. It’s a small hope, but it’s there. I already have my hand on the door when I hear her scream.

Panicked, I burst into the room.

She’s an angry, terrified goddess. The blanket is abandoned, a colorful scar against the gray floor.

“No! No! No!” She’s repeating the word like a wild mantra as she rips open the cold-storage locker doors with one hand covering her mouth. She grows paler as each door reveals its dark secret.

I know each of their names.

Ruby doesn’t notice me, too consumed.

Inside lies the remains of the women who died at the last Solstice—a small fraction of the women whose deaths haunt me. Maybe I didn’t kill them all, but I’ve been responsible for my fair share.

No matter how many times I see them, study them, experiment on them, they gut me like a knife.

Ruby drops to the floor, wrapping her arms around her knees, collapsing in on herself. I wonder if she did this when he locked her up. Her head is bent as she cries, and my hearts stumble in my chest with each of her sobs.

I’ve lost her. Truly lost her now.

Some part of me knew this would happen if I gave in to her temptation. If I put her in this room. And still I did it, as if taunting her, challenging her to discover my duplicity.

Professor Ruby Rose. Her curiosity might hurt her, but it will end me.

She’s finally seen the monster I’ve been trying to convince her I am. It’s better this way.

But as I stand here watching her, my hearts cracking under the strain of her learning the truth, I wish it could be different. I wish I wasn’t this man. That she could go back to looking at me the way she did last night.

Knowing there’s no explanation that will erase what I’ve done, I still crouch in front of her, hoping there might be a way she can see beyond my black soul.

I whisper her name.

She doesn’t look up, her face pressed to her knees, broken sobs shaking her shoulders.

I reach for her, but stop, noticing my claws, and snatch my hand back, curling my fingers into a fist to hide the evidence of the monster I am. Even if I want to wrap my arms around her, comfort her, I am the last person she’d want comfort from. I’d only scare her more. So I kneel next to her and wait.

Once her sobs slow, I tentatively speak. “I didn’t want to kill them.”

Her head shoots up, shock and horror written on her face. I think she hoped I’d give her an innocent explanation. Even still.

She scrambles away, gaze full of revulsion. “It was you? You killed them?”

I shake my head, then nod. “Some.”

“Is that what you’re going to do to me now? Is that why I’m in here?”

“No! I would never hurt you.”

“Is that supposed to make that”–she waves at the open doors–“better?”

“No.” I hold out the discarded blanket.

She snatches it.

My heart is a warning alarm in my chest, begging me to deny everything so that Ruby won’t look at me the way she is now.

But I can’t deny it. I won’t pretend to be anything less than the monster I am. Not with her. All I can do is lay it all bare. And hope.

I glance down at her bare feet, her bright pink toes. She’s cold. When I look back at her face, I immediately glance away, hating the naked fear on her features.

“Nothing will make this better. Nothing will bring back these women,” I admit.

She tilts her head, taking my measure, clearly wondering what game I’m playing with my confession.

I swallow my previous pride. “I shouldn’t have locked you in here.”

She barks a bitter laugh. “Yeah, because if you hadn’t I wouldn’t know you’re a murderer.”

“No.” The word is loud enough to command her attention. “I shouldn’t have done it because you were right. You deserve more than this. Better than me. But…” I swallow, chest swelling with feeling. “I need you, Ruby. I need to protect you. It drives me to distraction, to madness.”

She starts to say something, but I hold up my hand.

“It’s not an excuse. I was coming back in here to tell you everything and let you choose. And then…”

Her eyes flit to the cold lockers, all of them still open. Her face hardens. “Let me choose? Oh how gracious of you. And what is my choice? Between being your food supply or this?” She waves her hand at the open lockers.

“That isn’t–” I start, then stop, surging to my feet. When she cringes away, I’m filled with self-loathing and turn to close the coolers, locking the evidence away once more. “If Hammish knows you’re still here, you’ll end up in one of these drawers.” It’s not a possibility. It’s a certainty. It’s important she knows that.

“So you didn’t kill them? He did?”

I sigh, unable to meet her eyes. “These women died at my hand and my brothers’ at Summer Solstice. The women my father tries to turn”–I fight the metallic taste clawing at my throat–“don’t ever make it here.”

He destroys the evidence of his failure and expects my brothers and me to do the same. That’s why I keep this room a secret. So I have samples for my research without him knowing that we haven’t burned them.

“Turn?” Ruby shakes her head, tears still staining her cheeks. “I don’t understand.”

I sigh, grateful she’s asking questions, her curiosity outweighing her fear.

“Please, join me in the library? It’s warmer there.” I should have never put her in here without more clothes and a warmer blanket. It’s far too cold. “I’ll explain everything.”

She eyes me suspiciously. “You’re not going to keep me locked up?”

I shake my head. “I told you I was wrong. I shouldn’t have done it.” I sigh. “I’ll tell you everything, and then you can choose what you want to do.” The idea of letting her choose for herself feels like standing on the edge of a cliff and giving her the power to push me to my death. I don’t know what I’ll do if she chooses to leave, which she undoubtedly will. My Mavarri side roars at the thought of losing her, ready to pounce, to stalk, to drag her back like the apex predator I am. But I keep a tight rein on that side of myself. Thankfully, I’m well fed and satiated after last night. “You have my word.”

I hold out my hand. It hangs between us. An offering.

She doesn’t take it, getting to her feet on her own and walking past me back into the library where she sits in an armchair. At least she didn’t storm out of the Gate House immediately. “I’ll listen, but I expect the whole truth.”

The whole truth. I swallow. That won’t be easy. There’s no way she’ll stay once she understands what we’ve been doing.