The Serial Killers Guide to Love (Deadly Darling #1)

Chapter 10

10

Lilly

I woke up to an email from Sam and opened it with a wildly beating heart. This is not normal. A normal person doesn’t get crushes, not at my age. Crushes are for teenage girls that have their heart open and a head full of dreams and expectations that they still believe can ever be fulfilled. I should be above that. A woman in her 30s should have a grasp on herself, but as it was, I was flush like a teenager before her first kiss. I sat there, like an idiot with my hands clasped around my coffee.

A very professional email.

He appreciated that I took my time to see his store.

What have I expected?

A crazy love letter? Him declaring all his love for me?

Why?

That would have made no sense and would have seriously made me doubt his sanity, and how can I have a crush on a man that is insane.

Instead I picked at one of my cuticles, trying to calm my heart.

This is fine.

This means nothing.

Sam is a kind man and very polite.

He asked me for an offer and for two alternatives, and that was normal and absolutely usual.

People wanted one or two versions of flowers when it came to decoration.

No.

Stop.

You are crazy, and your mind runs wild.

I called out to myself. Closed the laptop with a bit more force than was necessary and sacked down in my chair.

I need to call the car shop today and get my AC fixed. Driving without AC was killing me, good that I had no long drives planned this week or any big delivery.

My business ran well, and with the money I put aside over the years I was absolutely comfortable.

Nothing that would ruin my cool.

With my hands clasped around the coffee cup, I made my way outside. My legs moved as if a strange force would have pulled them towards the porch.

Fuck, I wear my pj with a hole in the crotch.

Breath.

The t-shirt had a few stains and had seen better days, but I had it since my teenager days and it reminded me of Granny, but it was no way a wear in the open where people could see you t-shirt .

I took a sip of coffee and forced myself to calm the fuck down.

There I was, standing on the damned porch, looking at, the fuck. I stood there, like a stalker, looking over at Sam’s house.

And the horror, at 6:42 in the morning I was crossing the street, still holding on to the said coffee cup.

What is wrong with me?

What was I trying to do?

Just as I reached the driveway, I stopped and hid like a kid behind the lemon tree that was packed with fruit.

If life gives you lemons, use one to stick it up your pussy and stop being a crazy bitch.

God.

I finally managed to pull myself out of my trance shit thing and turned my back to Sam’s door.

“Hi.”

Oh God.

I was mortified.

My hair stood up in awkward angles, creating some sort of modern sculpture on my head. That, paired with the old t-shirt with ‘Go Tigers’ written on it and a pair of old jammies was already bad enough, but then, I was out there, like a stalker.

“Lilly, hi, good morning!”

And instead of running, even though each part of myself asked me to do so, I turned on my heel and faced the door.

There he was.

Handsome.

Dressed. In contrast to my shabby looking self.

“Hi.”

But it sounded more like a haaa, as if pronouncing the letter ‘I’ was too much for my speech impaired brain.

“Can I do something for you?”

I looked down, really hoping that the earth would split and swallow me. Just one time, please.

“Hm, no, I was just taking a short walk. You know, move around, get the blood flowing and the good old heart pumping just a bit.”

I looked at my flip flops in contrast to his fancy shoes. He was perfect.

Dressed in a pair of linen trousers, a button down shirt, and the type of shoes that make a guy look effortlessly casual but are expensive.

I bit my lower lip and faced his green eyes.

“Walking is good. It should be encouraged. Have you received the email I sent?”

“Yes, yes I did. I will send you a few proposals soon.”

“Hm, I, I hope this won’t sound preposterous out of the blue, but I am just about to take a trip to Orange Beach. It’s a two hour drive to see a rare book that I want to purchase. If you are not too busy and would like to join me.”

My eyes meet his foam green sea eyes.

What was he asking me?

“Like a date?” hut the fuck up woman. What’s wrong with you?

“Well, I usually don’t go on dates at 8 in the morning, but maybe we can call it a lunch?”

“I would need a few minutes.”

“Sure, take your time. I can pick you up at,”he looked at his phone.

“How about at 9? That will give me time to reply to a few business emails.”

“Sure. Yes. See you.”

I turned around and couldn’t erase the rather dumb smile from my face.

Did he just ask me out? I will spend four hours with Sam in the car. Close. Our elbows touching.

Fuck.

Did he even have AC in his beauty of a vintage car?

All my questions swirled around my head, like birds in old cartoons.

What’s wrong with me?

I made my way back inside and stepped into the shower. It was the least I could do, take a fucking shower before.

Time passed fast, as I tried on half of my outfits and picked a pretty sundress in shades of lilac and silver. It was vintage and hugged my curves just right.

A half moon necklace that hung low enough between my breasts did the trick to make me smile towards my reflection.

“You don’t look half bad, woman!”

I had to give that to myself. I clean up nicely, especially when there is no dirt in my hair.

Sam rang my bell. Literally.

And I stumbled over my feet to get to the door.

“Ready?”

He asked with a touch of a smile and I couldn’t stop myself from watching his hands and his forearms. The way his muscles moved under the lightly tanned skin made me gasp. This man was sex on a stick. Anna would call him that. I just gulped down.

“Yes.”

He made a step to the side and allowed me to take the lead towards his car that was next to the sidewalk.

The dark Camaro oldie sparkled in the early sun.

“Allow me.”

He stepped in front of me, and opened the door. Fuck.

“Such a gentleman.”

I whispered and took a step closer, almost inhaling his maddening scent.

My legs pressed together hard as I tried to stop my pulse from racing. The cool leather seat pressed against me and it did nothing to erase the throbbing between my legs. I watched Sam as he sat next to me.

“Shall we?”

He asked and offered me a small smile.

“Yes.”

Okay. We have two hours.

I can make some conversation.

I bit on my lower lip and watched him slide and slip through traffic until we left the city. We were both silent.

It was an all too telling silence but not an unpleasant one. I saw him looking at me, now and then. Just glimpses.

“What book are you going to buy?”

“Ahm, a rare vintage edition of Pride and Prejudice.”

“Nice!”

I racked my brain for a bit, unable to focus in his presence. I recalled Pride and Prejudice, but I couldn’t say anything about it. It was an okay story, but I always saw myself more as Lydia than Elizabeth or Jane. I had a thing for the wild, headstrong young woman, but maybe this was not the moment for me to voice my sympathy.

Just as I formed a question in my mind, he asked.

“What do you enjoy reading?”

“Monster porn,” the reply flew out of my mouth, the way snot jumps from the nose of a five year old with the flu.

Just shoot me. Why can’t there be an earthquake when you need one? Why?

Heat rose in my cheeks and images of my fantasy from last night where the minotaur man from my story and Sam melted together, made me very much aware of my flushed lady parts.

I even closed my eyes, my fingers turned into claws and I hoped that his pretty car was possessed and it would swallow me whole soon. I could be a nice meal, maybe a bit chewy, but I wouldn’t mind to disappear fully from the face of the earth. I need a fucking apocalypse, now!

Sam started to laugh.

I leaned towards the dashboard and covered my face with my hand.

“Sorry Lilly, I am not laughing because you read...

He made a break and my eyes met his in the rear view mirror. Could he be embarrassed?

There was a light blush creeping onto his neck, up his face, but this couldn’t be just because I have fucking verbal diarrhea and openly admitted to enjoy reading monster porn.

“I just imagined you reading something else.”

He added, his hands grasping the steering wheel, his knuckles white from the pressure.

“I didn’t have the chance to sample said, monster porn.”

“Oh, I mean,”

What the hell do I mean? I lost the ability to finish my sentence, my throat was thick and my mouth dry.

“Please tell me more about monster porn.”

Sam saved me.

Aware of the wild blush that spread down my neck and all the way to my décolleté, I pressed my eyes shut before taking a long breath.

“What would you like to know?”

“What’s the best thing about it. Horror makes one scared to go alone to the bathroom at night and scifi opens doors to new worlds. Books have always been my escape, so, tell me. I am curious.”

My blurry mind did the best I could to catch up with what he was telling me there. Was this smart, funny, and fucking hot man really asking me about monster porn? Should I mention the peens?

Monster peen is something that’s in another league entirely.

Sam must have taken my silence as a bad sign, because he added.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, it’s not that you make me uncomfortable. And yes, the story is leaning heavily towards erotica, but it’s not just this. Maybe it’s a bit like The Beauty and the Beast, only the Beast runs a BDSM dungeon and Belle is his sex slave.”

Fuck, I want to be his sex slave. Why isn’t he asking me to go down on all fours and fuck me right here in the car?

My sex deprived brain needs a break. I looked again towards Sam. At the way his tendons moved under his skin, and the way his skin tensed over his biceps each time he corrected the direction of the car.

Could I run my fingers over them? Are they as firm as they look?

The need to slap myself took over. This guy was nothing but decent and nice and I am acting like a drooling schoolgirl.

“Well kinda, sorta, sometimes, like in the new story that I am reading he’s a regular guy who runs a tractor business.”

“No really, how mundane. And what does he do to entice the protagonist? I assume that he does something special that makes her love him, or want him.”

“He is nice. Decent. And has a huge... Dong.”

“A what?”

Sam asked and I took a sip from the water bottle before almost choking on it.

“He is a bull, and certain characteristics are there.

“I assume Mr Darcy had a huge,”he made a break before he kept going.

“Dong.”

“Omg, you didn’t just say that. You didn’t just call Mr Darcy’s penis a dong.”

“You think Elizabeth Bennett called it his penis?”

“She most certainly didn’t call it a dong!”

Laughter filled the car as the reality of the rather prim and proper miss Bennett took shape.

“I am not certain, but there is regency porn, and I think it could satisfy your curiosity if you really need to know.”

“Maybe she called it his manhood.”

“Yuck, I find this worse than his love sausage.”

A new eruption of laughter rolled over us.

“Erotica is nothing to be laughed at. It is fun escape fiction, and people created erotic works from the time some guy could hold a pen and figured out that he can draw, well,” there it was the break before my cute neighbor turned red. “Boobs”

“What’s your poison when you read erotic literature?”

“Oh, I am old fashioned. The Decameron. Or straight up porn. Guys don’t have the patience to build up the anticipation jerking off to a book . We men are simple creatures, our blood can’t only be in one out of three places at the same time.”

“And those are?”

“Simple, brain, for the rare cases we think about sports or stuff, stomach, cause men are always hungry and the dooong.”

“Say it again.”

“What, do you want me to say dooong again? I will, but only because you asked me so nicely.”

“You should write a book like that."

“And about what?”

“Something like a guy’s guide to reading erotica. That way men would know what they get into and what to expect.’

“Nah, waste of my time. They wouldn’t read it anyhow.”

“Porn is simple, I assume.”

I giggled and started to feel less embarrassed by the second. Maybe there was hope for the socially awkward ball of nerves that I was. With each minute I spent with Sam, it became clear to me that he can’t be one of Mike’s guys. Mike would never in hell be so subtle. If he would be aware that I am alive and not five feet under, he would have killed me with his bare hands.

There are too many secrets of his that I know, and he would not allow me, his property, to be free.

Sam said something, but I was too busy looking at the road and imagining Mike, killing me.

“Sorry, I was,”

“Happens, nothing to be sorry about. I asked if you enjoy living here.”

“I always wanted to live in a sunny and warm climate. It’s great for the plants.”

“About the plants, I was about to ask, do you also offer a plant care taking service, because I am famous for being able to kill a cactus and I don’t want to do that to the beautiful plants that you will hopefully sell me.”

“I don’t.”

“I am so fucked.”

Sam said with his eye rolling.

“I will make an exception for you, and teach you how.”

“That would be wonderful.”

“What plants would you like for your bookstore, first and foremost?”

He cleared his throat.

“Hm, green ones? I don’t know. Something that adds to the place and works well in the environment.”

“So, it’s my choice?’

“Yes. Absolutely. I would probably choose a plant that’s all wrong.”

“I will get something for you that will be just perfect.”

He smiled, it was not a big all teeth Hollywood smile, but a small one, as if we would have shared an inside joke or something like that.

Slowly, I started to relax and stopped acting like a crazy person. Or at least, I did my best to do that.