The Sky We Seek (Love and Other Dreams #2)

Chapter 22

Noah

Robin redbreasts sing carefree songs. A woodpecker hammers in rhythm with their melody. There is orange light, flickering and warm like fire.

Contentedly, I take a deep breath. My chest rises, and with the motion, I feel a kind of energy that I thought I had lost long ago.

The bedsheet nestles snugly against my shoulders, and I feel both protected and free. A contented sigh escapes my lips. This is where I want to stay. This is how it should be forever.

However, even though my mind is already awake, I hesitate to open my eyes. What if this is just a dream? What if reality only holds heavy limbs and dull headaches for me once again?

I don't want that. Instead, I turn to the side once more and drift back to slumber.

Hardly have I turned when the orange light behind my eyelids becomes dazzlingly bright. Instinctively, I blink, but each time, I let my eyes close again. They provide me with snapshots. Fractions of seconds in which I perceive my surroundings.

I recognize dancing lights on the wooden floor.

The sprawling branches of the firs outside the panoramic window sway in the gentle breeze.

The glimmering of the mountain lake .

A flock of birds soaring into the sky.

The rocking chair, its fur cushion swinging just above the bright floor.

Disheveled blond hair.

A gentle smile, closed eyelids. And features so uniquely beautiful that I absolutely refuse to close my eyes again.

I lie perfectly still in bed, watching Elina, whose chest rises and falls evenly. A notebook rests on her thighs, the pen in her hand leaving erratic lines on the paper.

Yesterday, she got closer to me than anyone else has been allowed. Not even Hanna is allowed to mention Julian to me. But the way she looked at me and the words she said affected me.

Inevitably, I wonder what would happen if I were to leave the bed and approach her. If I were to place my hands on the armrests of the rocking chair and bring my face close to hers. If I could smell the scent of her skin and feel her breath on my cheek.

Perhaps I would brush the strand of hair from her forehead. My fingers would glide over her eyebrows, her button nose, and down to her lips. And then she would open her eyelids. Seconds later, I would be lost in the deep blue of her eyes, wishing to stay there forever.

Stop.

I must not think like this!

I am who I am, and not even Elina can change that.

Abruptly, I tear my gaze away from her and reach for the alarm clock.

It's five o'clock. I've only slept for six hours, yet I feel as if the whole night, through the electrodes on my skin and the strange contraption on my head, pure energy has flowed into my body.

How is that possible?

Confused, I sit up in bed and peel the electrodes off my skin. With a single step, I am by Elina's side. I take the notebook and pen with me. She emits an adorable hum, her head falling to the side.

Quickly, I grab a pillow and carefully position it under her cheek.

It happens all at once.

Without my consent, my hand tucks her hair behind her ear. My fingers continue their exploration. Just as I imagined before, they lightly touch her forehead, then trail along the bridge of her nose.

Elina purrs like a cat. A blissful smile spreads across her face.

I have to stop. Right now.

But my body does as it pleases. I lean farther over her until my lips touch her forehead. They rest gently between her eyebrows. I inhale her scent and feel her warmth. A longing spreads within me, so powerful that I cannot ignore it.

That's when I know it's too late.

Much too late.

And this, even though I mustn't let this woman get close to me. And certainly not the happiness she makes me feel. My heartbeat accelerates, panic rises within me. It forms an invisible wall between Elina and me. However, I am no longer safe here.

I tear myself away and storm out of the bedroom. Internally restless, I make coffee, throw on a jacket, and leave the house with the steaming cup in my hand. The crisp air cannot quell the turmoil within me, so I cross the clearing toward the lake. The wooden pier creaks beneath my feet, but I barely notice. Because the longing within me roars so loudly that everything around me seems to disappear.

The still water lying in front of me. The scent of the forest. The cool breeze brushing against my cheeks.

I stop at the edge and take a sip of my coffee. The longing is still with me, painting images in my mind that I simultaneously love and hate.

My God, what should I do? How can I be near Elina without it tearing me apart from the inside? How can I breathe the same air as her and look into her eyes without forgetting that she should stay away from me?

"Good morning." Suddenly, she stands right beside me. And she smiles at me. So radiant. So beautiful.

I shouldn't look at her, but my gaze is glued to her.

She tilts her head. "Are you okay?"

Well, sort of. Definitely. Maybe. "Everything's fine," I say.

Her skeptical expression tells me that she has caught me. Slowly, she turns her attention to the lake. "How beautiful the surface sparkles," she says meaningfully.

Immediately, I understand what she's alluding to. What I should respond, but I don't. In fact, I should beg her to leave me alone. I should push her away, run away, and do everything to forget her. But not a single word escapes my mouth. I’m like a prisoner in my own mind, at war with myself.

"But I won't be fooled by that sparkle. I want to dive to the depths," she continues as if she has no idea what she's doing. Then she turns her head and looks intensely at me. "Because there lies a treasure, I'm sure of it." The bright gleam in her eyes reaches me. She smirks.

My God.

"And what if you're mistaken?" I croak as a heat spreads within me, capable of burning everything to the ground.

Suddenly, she leans toward me and rises on her tiptoes. Her head inches closer to mine, our cheeks touching. "I’ve already seen it," she whispers in my ear. "It's here."

I want nothing more than to believe her.

"And it’s beautiful," she adds with her velvety chocolate voice.

It's not. It's ugly. A monstrosity. Yet it seems wonderfully far away right now.

"What are you doing to me?" Did I say that out loud? And do my arms really suddenly wrap around her waist?

I hear her shaky exhale. "I could ask you the same thing."

No, no, no. It can't be like this.

I pull her closer to me and bury my face in the fluffy collar of her jacket and her neck. I don't want to let go of her for anything in the world. How can something feel so right and so wrong at the same time?

"I don't deserve you," I whisper with a choked voice, and with that, it's officially confirmed. I have not only lost my mind but also my heart.

She turns her head, forcing me to release mine. Then she looks deeply into my eyes. "Who decides our happiness?" she asks. "And who lives our dreams?" Her hands caress my back. "Who dries our tears, and who forgives us for our mistakes? "

I’m unable to answer.

"Only we do." A wistful smile flits across her lips. It's as if she, too, feels something within her that is greater than herself.

I cup her delicate face in my hands and trace her fine features with my thumbs. There's nothing left of my panic, only the longing burning brightly within me. It may be wrong, but right now, at this moment, I no longer care.

Slowly, I close the distance between us, and with every small fraction of an inch, my heartbeat accelerates a little more. "You're incredible," I tremble, and that's only a fraction of what I would love to tell her.

With an expression full of yearning, she presses herself closer to me. Our noses touch. A tingling sensation runs through my entire body, and I feel the magic of the moment down to my toes. Nothing can stop me now. I want to give her everything of myself. I want to kiss her until the moon rises and hold her in my arms as long as she'll allow.

I gently place my lips on hers. She returns my kiss with such intensity as if she has been waiting for it her entire life. A second later, it feels as if my feet no longer touch the ground.

I'm floating. Together with Elina. Closer and closer to our own heaven.