The Sky We Seek (Love and Other Dreams #2)

Chapter 42

Noah

Once I arrive at the Lazarusweg, I take out my cell phone from my multifunctional vest and shield the display from the bright light of the morning sun.

It's half past nine.

Just like back then.

For a moment, I close my eyes and listen inward, searching for my memory.

Hey, Noah . Suddenly, I hear Julian's voice in my mind, and it feels as if he's here with me.

He's my best friend. Still.

I turn around and imagine he's actually standing behind me. With his semi-long, curly hair, his big horn-rimmed glasses, and his old-fashioned backpack. The image becomes clearer and clearer, his mischievous smile and wiry figure more vivid.

It hurts to see him. But at the same time, the memory warms my soul. Since his death, I haven't allowed myself to think of him. Neither in grief nor in joy. I was certain it would break me.

But today is the day I confront the past.

For my own sake. And for a future together with Elina.

"Hey," I whisper so softly that I can barely hear it myself over the background birdsong.

You look like you've just met ?tzi himself . His laughter reaches my ear. It's within me and even manages to make the corners of my mouth lift.

"Well then, off we go on the hike, ?tzi," I reply and set off with the same backpack and clothes as back then.

Even though Julian isn't here, I imagine feeling him by my side. It's as if he's right next to me, offering his support.

When I walked this path with my friend back then, we joked with each other the whole way. But today, I'm not in the mood for that. And apparently, neither is he. Silently, we march up the forest trail. Only the sounds of the forest can be heard—the crackling of branches, the rustling of wind in the fir tree branches, and the soft padding of forest creatures.

It doesn't take long for me to reach the fork in the road leading to Semmtalklamm. I slow down my pace and eventually come to a stop at the junction.

With a pounding heart, I follow the path that leads into the gorge.

That's where it happened.

That's where Julian died.

My chest rises and falls with effort, and my legs feel shaky.

Suddenly, I imagine feeling Julian's hand on my shoulder. The sky is particularly clear today, he says with a contented sigh. At the summit of Gro?er Semm, we can surely see more than just Venus. Saturn, Jupiter, and maybe even Mars .

I shake my head amusedly. "You and your stars."

Planets, my friend. Planets . With a raised index finger and a pedantic look, he corrects me.

Even though I stand here alone today, I see him clearly before me. I would love to casually put my arm around his shoulders and give him a playful jab in the side. I did it back then, and I received an angry glare from him in return.

Wait a minute. Was he actually angry? Or did I confuse his emotions?

I strain my mind, even closing my eyes to better relive the situation in my imagination.

Yes, there he is. Just moments ago, he lectured me with his knowledge of astronomy, and now he adjusts his glasses.

I shake my head, raise my arm, and pretend to jab him in the side.

Ouch! he exclaims with a pained expression even though I don't actually touch him.

He's making a joke. Or is he?

I do my best to remember, but no further images come to mind. For a fraction of a second, I see him squinting his eyes. Yet I can't assign a definite meaning to that movement either.

If I can't even remember something as simple as that, how will I ever retrieve the accident itself from my memory?

"Dammit," I mutter, turning away from the entrance to the Semmtal Gorge. If today is meant to unfold exactly as it did on that fateful day last autumn, then I shouldn't enter the gorge just yet.

I take a deep breath to calm myself.

Nothing can happen, and everything is fine. I've climbed the Gro?er Semm multiple times, even after Julian's death.

I can do this.

Once I reach the summit, I will search the sky for the planets my best buddy observed back then. I even have his binoculars in my backpack. After the descent, I will tackle the gorge. I must go all the way to the exact spot where Julian took his last breath.

Nausea rises within me at the thought. Doubts assail me, but I push them back.

Nothing is set in stone. First, I will ascend the Gro?er Semm. Everything else will come afterward.

I'll definitely take the first step. "Whoever gets to the top first," I say to my best friend, who now amuses himself in my imagination by shaking his head.