The Snuggle is Real (Christmas Falls: Season 2)

Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

Ford

I woke hard and aching Friday morning.

That wasn’t new—the most action I got lately was with my hand—but the visceral memory of Mason’s lips was. I didn’t know a guy’s lips could be so soft.

He’d made this sound in his throat when I’d first kissed him, and it kept replaying in my mind.

It was deep and raspy, but so soft.

My dick throbbed.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to will away my arousal. I didn’t do this. Didn’t get hard over guys. Didn’t kiss men.

Except you did…

I grabbed my phone and pulled up the web browser, intent on finding some porn to set me straight.

Straight being the operative word.

I typed porn women straight guy into the Google search, one hand wrapping around my aching cock in anticipation. My body thrummed with need that had been building all night. I’d avoided jerking off last night. It would have been weird to do it right after?—

I shut that thought down, squeezing my cock in my right fist.

A pulse of pleasure went through me.

“Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer!” Charlie’s voice wailed in the hallway. “Had a very shiny nose! Like a lightbulb!”

I groaned with regret and pulled my hand from between my legs and closed my web browser. Private morning time was up.

“And if you ever saw it…saw it! You would even say it glows! Like a lightbulb!”

My arousal drained away as I laughed at Charlie’s terrible singing voice.

A good thing too because a second later my door flew open, and Charlie ran in.

“Christmas Carols at seven in the morning, huh?”

She dove onto the bed. “Yep! You needed to wake up. It’s time for breakfast!”

“It is? What are you making me?”

She giggled. “No, silly. I can’t cook.”

“Okay, you can make a PopTart then.”

“Fooooord!” She crawled from the bed and grabbed my wrist, tugging as if she could hope to move me. “I want pancakes!”

“Pancakes, huh?” I reluctantly climbed from the bed, all evidence of my morning…distraction…long gone. Which, frankly, was a relief. “I don’t know. That’s a lot of work.”

“With chocolate chips too!”

“Chocolate chips? Where’d you get a weird idea like that? Yuck.”

“No, it’s good!” she said earnestly. “Grandma Dottie told me they make the pancakes extra special. You can put a happy face into it and everything! Grandma says it’ll make you smile when you eat them, and then you’ll have a good day!”

My heart warmed to hear her call Dottie grandma, even as a tiny part of me regretted that I was still Ford.

She’d only called me Dad the one time, but I kept holding out hope for a repeat.

“All right. I’ve got to try this chocolate chip pancake experiment,” I said.

“Yay!” She clapped her hands.

I picked her up and sat her on the counter next to the stove. “You’ll have to be my helper though. You can put in the chocolate chips.”

Charlie grinned. “I’ll make the best happy face ever!”

I chuckled, a lightness taking me over. Nothing lifted my spirits like this kid. “You know, I think you just might.”

After pulling pancake mix from the pantry, I let Charlie measure it into a mixing bowl. I added the liquid and eggs, stirring the batter to the right consistency while my frying pan heated on the stove.

“Okay, here goes nothing.” I used a ladle to pour a small oval of batter into the skillet, then a second and third one. “Okay, chocolate chip girl. You ready?”

“Yes!”

I picked up Charlie, holding her over the stove so she could place the chocolate chips. “Just don’t touch the pan,” I warned. “It’ll burn.”

“I know. I’m not a baby!”

“Oh, sorry. My mistake.”

“I’m really smart,” Charlie said smugly as she dropped chocolate chips onto each pancake. The happy faces were a little…lopsided. One looked demented. But she seemed happy, and that was all that mattered.

I put her down on the floor and finished the pancakes, carefully flipping them and piling them onto a plate.

Before I could start the next batch, my phone rang on the counter.

The caller ID flashed up Northern Illinois Recovery Center. That had to be LuAnne.

I handed the plate of pancakes to Charlie. “Get started on these and I’ll come join you in a minute.”

I wasn’t sure what LuAnne would have to say or how Charlie would handle it, so it was best she got some breakfast in her first.

I picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Ford, hey.” LuAnne’s voice was threadbare. “How’s my girl?”

A sudden rush of anger burst in me.

“She’s doing great, no thanks to you.”

“I didn’t have a choice. I had to leave her. You know that.”

“I know you had a lot of choices, Lu.”

“No, the court said?—”

“I know you couldn’t choose the consequences of your actions, but all those actions leading to this? You absolutely had a choice.”

“Addiction is an illness! It’s not that simple.”

I dragged a hand over my face. She was right, of course. Addiction was an illness. But Charlie deserved a parent who could take proper care of her. I was no longer convinced that LuAnne could.

“Sorry. I know it’s a struggle. I just wish you’d told me. Maybe asked me to take Charlie sooner.”

“You’re not her father.”

My jaw tightened. “I’m the only father she’s ever had. I love her.”

“That’s why I let you keep her!”

Let me . LuAnne was so generous in getting sent to rehab and dropping Charlie in my lap with no warning.

I was glad Charlie was with me. I’d have taken her weeks or months or—hell— even years sooner if only I’d known what was going on.

But a little warning would have been nice. A chance to prepare so that I had what Charlie needed, so that I wasn’t flailing, so that I wasn’t relying on the kindness of strangers.

Is he really a stranger once you’ve kissed him?

I brushed the thought away and tried to rein in my urge to yell at LuAnne for her failures. I was far from perfect. Who was I to judge? But this was Charlie.

“How is the rehab going?” I asked, trying to regain my composure.

“Rough,” LuAnne said, sounding tired. “Emotionally draining. Someone always wants me to expose my ugly insides, to face all the mistakes in my life, and ugh, you know how much I like talking about hard things.”

I chuckled, because I sure did. LuAnne avoided; she didn’t confront. Maybe that was one reason drugs were appealing. They were the ultimate distraction.

“I—” Her voice cracked. “I just really need to hear Charlie’s voice.”

“Of course you do. I bet she’d really like to hear yours too. I’ll go get her.”

“Thanks. And Ford?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you for taking her.”

“Anytime,” I answered honestly.

“I’m sorry about saying you’re not her dad. Because you’re the only dad that matters to her. To either of us.”

“Thanks, Lu.” I strode into the dining room. Charlie was humming and eating her pancakes, oblivious to the tense conversation in the kitchen. “Hey, kiddo. Guess who’s on the phone?”

She looked up. “Who?”

“Your mom.”

She hopped up from her chair, smile spreading. “Really?”

“Really.” I held out the phone. “She wants to say hi.”

Charlie grabbed it from me. “Mama?”

Her eyes widened as she listened to LuAnne speak. Then she started hopping in excitement. “It’s been so cool! Just like you said. I talked to Santa—and don’t worry, I told him you’re gonna be on the nice list from now on—and I saw this grinch storytime. Oh, and the PARADE! There are all these lights and hot chocolate and Ford has this really nice friend and h e has a dog, Mama! He’s black and white and…”

She continued chattering at 100 miles per hour.

Two things became clear to me in that moment.

Charlie had needed to reconnect with her mom again.

And she was having a much better time in Christmas Falls than I’d have ever dreamed. All the worry I’d carried over these first weeks, and to hear Charlie tell it, she was living in a winter wonderland.

“I wish you could be here for Christmas too,” Charlie said, voice turning wistful.

My heart ached for her.

“What, really? You’re getting out before then? I thought…” She trailed off with a frown. “But I like it here. Can’t you just come here?”

“Let me talk to her, Charlie girl.”

Charlie glanced up at me with an unhappy expression. For as excited as she’d been to talk to her mom, the news that LuAnne might be released early wasn’t making her smile.

“Ford wants to talk to you again.” She paused, voice smaller than before. “Yeah, I’m glad. Okay. Bye.”

She handed the phone to me and slumped in her chair in a sulk.

“What’s this about an early release?”

“It’s not definite,” LuAnne said, “but if I play my cards right, I can be out by Christmas.”

I carried the phone with me toward my bedroom, wanting privacy. “Christmas is a lot to take on, Lu. You won’t have a job when you get out. You won’t have any presents for Charlie.”

“She’ll understand.”

I scoffed. “She’s seven years old, Lu. She shouldn’t have to understand.”

“It’s not perfect, but we’d be together.”

“Then come here like Charlie suggested. I’m all set up for Christmas. She’s been having fun.”

“You know how much I hate that town at Christmas.”

“It’s not about you.”

She huffed. “Well, I need some motivation to get through this. I’m not exactly having fun over here. I want to see my daughter?—”

“Lu, be real. You don’t have a job. You’ve probably got an eviction notice waiting for you. I can help you get on your feet. You need to focus on getting your life back together. Let me keep Charlie an extra little while if you don’t want to come here. Let’s make sure she’s going to a stable home.”

“Well, I…I guess I do have a lot to sort out, but I don’t know, Ford. I need Charlie. She’s my anchor.”

That was a lot of responsibility to put on a child. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Charlie should be able to rely on Lu. Should have a grounded parent, not one with her head in the clouds—if only to avoid the reality on the ground.

“You’re stronger than that, Lu. You have to be,” I said. “Charlie needs a mom who puts her needs first. And before you can put anyone first, you have to be in a good place yourself.”

“Are you in a good place, Mr. Perfect?” she asked, voice tart.

“I never said I was perfect…”

“I know. I’m sorry. I just hate being in here.”

“It’s hard, but you can do it.”

“Yeah.” She sniffed. “Well, like I said, it’s not even certain I’ll make it out for Christmas yet. Nothing is decided.”

“All right. Keep me updated. But Lu, please…”

“What?” she asked, tone guarded.

“I’ve taken care of Charlie, and I’ve been happy to do it. This time with her is really special to me. Whenever you do get out, please—” My voice failed me for a moment. “Please don’t scoop her up and disappear on me. I want to be in her life more.”

“Yeah, okay, but if you think I’m moving back to that corny town, you’re out of your mind.”

I snorted. “Yeah, I wouldn’t expect that. Just…stay within reach, okay? Stay in touch. And please, if you get out for Christmas, just join us here. You don’t have to go out in town. Just hang at the house, watch Charlie open gifts. Let Charlie enjoy the day.”

There was a long, drawn-out pause.

“I’ll think about it.”

It wasn’t the answer I most wanted, but it was better than a refusal. Maybe LuAnne wouldn’t even get out in time. If she did, Charlie would probably still choose her mom over staying here.

But it would be one depressing Christmas for me.

All that worry. All that help from Mason so I could give Charlie a great Christmas. And she might not even be here for it.

I hung up and dropped onto the edge of the bed with a sad sigh. Charlie appeared in the doorway.

“Ford?”

I attempted a smile. “Hey, Charlie girl.”

She crawled into my lap. “Mama told you I might leave before Christmas, huh?”

I wrapped an arm around her, holding her close. “She did, but she doesn’t know what will happen for sure, Charlie.”

She snuggled in against my chest. “I know. I liked it here. I was kind of excited to see what Santa brought. But if I leave again, he probably won’t be able to find me.”

I kissed the top of her head. “I’ll make sure he knows where to find you, Charlie. If you’re not here for Christmas, I guarantee, Christmas will go with you.”

She tipped her face up. “But will you?”

My heart twisted. “I wish I could.”

“Me too.”

I squeezed her, my throat tightening. “But you know, if we’re not sure you’re going to be here for Christmas, we’ll just have to make the time we have left extra great.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. Let’s get dressed and go into town. There’s got to be some sort of trouble we can make.”

She giggled. “We can’t be naughty! Santa won’t like it.”

“We’ll just have to make sure Santa doesn’t find out,” I said with a wink.

Charlie hopped down, smile gleaming. “Can we go get shakes at The Snowflake Shack?”

“Shakes?” I gasped. “You do know it’s old outside, right?”

She giggled at my dramatic reaction. “Please!”

“Okay. Go get ready. We’ll have some fun, starting with shakes. Brr!”

“Yay!”

She skipped to the doorway, full of excitement for the day ahead. I wish I could so easily dismiss the gloomy cloud that Lu’s words had put over my head.

After having Charlie so close for so long, I couldn’t stand the idea of being held at arm’s length, never knowing exactly what was going on in her life, seeing her sporadically—when Lu could be reached and reasoned with.

And now after everything I’d learned this winter? I wasn’t even sure that home would be safe.

I wasn’t her dad in blood, but in my heart I was. So, how could I let Charlie go when everything in me cried out that she belonged with me?