The Sorrow of Shadows (Crimson & Shadows #1)

Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

brEYLA

I t’s too damn bright for what we must do today. The sun is beating mercilessly on all gathered around the funeral pyre. I missed my own father’s funeral. At the time, I hadn’t been able to face my feelings and found every reason to avoid coming home for it. Nolan was like a second father to me, and I don’t know if I could handle the remorse of missing another funeral. It had been three days since Nolan’s murder, and we knew no more now than we did the first day. Nolan’s body had been found outside the guard’s quarters, throat slit, completely drained of blood. There was no sign of struggle, and he was found around the time of the guard rotation. No one had seen or heard anything. We had no leads, no witnesses, nothing. None of it made any sense. Now I had to stare his wife and young children in the eyes and tell them I still had no idea who had murdered their father or why.

I stand front and center, dressed in a black tunic, leathers, and full armor, sword strapped to my left hip. My hair is braided into a crown on top of my head. Elijah stands to my right, my mother on my left, and Aurelius on the other side of her. The guards and soldiers in attendance are also dressed in black with full armor. The rest of the attendees are in black formal wear. I know my mother would prefer to see me in the traditional black mourning gown, but outside of the fact that I hated dresses, I was the general. All the soldiers are looking at me and the example I set. The full armor signifies respect for the fallen, and Nolan deserved the utmost respect.

On the other side of Elijah stands Nolan’s wife, River, and their two children. Briar is a girl of six, and Phillip a boy of four. These babies would never truly know their father. Not like I knew him. That thought makes it hard to breathe. As if he could sense my chest tightening, Elijah laces his fingers with mine, squeezing gently. It’s a subtle reassurance to let me know I am not alone. Elijah would always be there for me. If soulmates existed, he was mine.

I glance down to see Briar, her eyes red and puffy. She’s just old enough to understand what was happening but not old enough to know how to process her emotions about it. Phillip is more confused than anything. He doesn’t quite know what is happening, so he keeps tugging at his mother’s skirts and asking why his papa is sleeping on top of the sticks. Seeing them shatters my heart all over again, but I bite my cheek and hold it together. I have a job to do today. I can cry later. Maybe never.

I clear my throat, waiting for the last few voices to die down before I begin my eulogy. “Thank you all for joining us today to send Commander Nolan on to the next life,” I start, feeling awkward. Elijah squeezes my hand reassuringly and I squeeze back. “Nolan was more than just a commander, though. He was an essential part of the lives of everyone in this kingdom. He trained me and just about every other soldier and guard here. He loved his two babies more than anything, but he was also a father well before they were even born.” I glance at his wife and see a small smile on her lips as she nods in agreement .

“He was a teacher, a protector, a confidant, a friend, and so much more. Words truly cannot convey what he meant to me and many others here. This kingdom owes him many debts. If I can one day be half the warrior, teacher, and friend he was, I will consider that a success.” I pause to take a breath. By this point there are not many dry eyes left. “This world will not be the same without you.” My throat tightens as my eyes fill with tears. I raise my voice and speak with a confidence I do not feel. “From your first breath until your very last, may the gods grant you peace.” Everyone around me chants back the traditional Rimorian tiding.

I take a step back and nod to my mother. She calls forth her element of fire, and a bold flame dances in her palm. Six of my guards step forward, holding unlit torches. One by one she sends her flame to each. Once all six are lit, the guards step to the pyre and touch them to the wood holding Nolan’s body. It takes only moments for the fire to climb and envelop Nolan’s body. Then, I hear River let out a wail that turns into an ancient Rimorian death hymn. The language is long forgotten, except for the translation of this one song.

May the mother keep you close

And the father protect you now

The tears that once were shed

Make the flowers grow

When the night is darkest

And the sun has ceased its shining

May you remember

My love for you is eternal

From your first breath

Until your very last

May the gods grant you peace

River finishes the first round, and as she begins again more voices join. By the end of the third round, every voice can be heard. The medley of voices sends goosebumps down my spine until everything eventually quiets.

As the crowd dissipates, leaving only Nolan’s family, my own, and Elijah, I make my way to River. Finding words now is harder than giving the eulogy. “River, I just want you to know that I’ve arranged for Nolan’s salary to continue going to your account indefinitely. When I said this kingdom owes him a debt, I truly meant it. I can never repay him, but I can make sure you and your kids want for nothing. I’ve also arranged for an inheritance to be set up for each child to do with as they please once they come of age. If there is ever anything you need, do not hesitate to come straight to me.”

“Thank you,” is all the teary-eyed widow can manage. I turn to leave when I feel a soft hand grasp my wrist. “Nolan was an excellent father to Briar and Phillip, but you should know that he always considered you a daughter. In many ways, you were his child first. He loved you and was so incredibly proud of you. His bloodline may live on through our children, but his legacy lives on through you.”

The tears well up in my eyes as she turns to go, her somber children in hand. I lose the fight and feel the tears dance down my cheek. A warm, muscled arm wraps around my midsection and pulls me back. I’m greeted by the firm chest and rich spiced cocoa scent that is uniquely Elijah. I turn in his arms, burying my face in his neck. His dark, long golden waves are down today, so my tears are easily hidden. My arms wrap around to his back, my fingers clutching at his tunic. His grip tightens, giving me the security I crave to feel weak for a moment. Elijah weaves his fingers into my hair, softly playing with it in the way he knows soothes me. He grounds me. Like an anchor keeping a ship at bay, he keeps me from drifting off into the sorrow that threatens to drown me.

I don’t know how long we stand there before I feel eyes on us. I pull back, and Elijah kisses me softly on the forehead before releasing me. It doesn’t take long for me to find that the eyes I felt belong to Aurelius. He looks concerned, but also...something else. Is that jealousy? I shake that thought off because he has no room to feel that way. The crimson in his irises seem more prominent as they burn into me. He doesn’t move, so I break eye contact and move toward my mother.

Most of the crowd has thinned by the time I reach her side. “You spoke eloquently, my dear. I know your father would be proud.” I know it’s meant as praise, but it feels like a punch in the gut.

“There’s something I wish to discuss with you, mother,” I say, changing the subject to save myself.

“Drink up, assholes!” I shout as the coin I just bounced off the table lands in the goblet in the center of the table. I have many talents, and drinking games—specifically Remis and Goblets—are near the top of that list. We’re several hours into the celebration soldiers have to honor the dead. Where the formal funeral rites are a somber event, the soldiers always honor the fallen in a way that celebrates life. Mostly we drink and revel and get up to all manner of trouble. Several guards bet me I couldn’t make the coin in the cup ten times in a row. Honestly, it’s insulting. I excel at drinking games—it’s like they don’t know me at all.

I hear a few grumbles, but mostly laughs as they all drink when I make the tenth cup. I stopped counting my drinks somewhere in the third bottle of wine. That was about two hours ago, but I honestly couldn’t care. I would feel the hangover tomorrow, but tonight I would drown everything out. If I were lucky, maybe I could find someone to drown in. It wouldn’t be anyone here; sleeping with the guards or my soldiers was not an option.

“Tell us another story about Commander Nolan, General,” Jade prods. She’s probably heard them all, but telling stories is how we keep the memory of the deceased alive. Ryder and Zion sit on the other side of her, Ryder’s hand trailing up and down Jade’s curves as she leans back into him. The bonfire burns bright, reaching at least ten feet into the air. I sit down on a bench across from Jade and adjacent to the flames. Elijah is already sitting when I lean back into him to start my story.

“Have I told you about when he caught me with one of my father’s men?” I grin at her.

Elijah chuckles behind me, and Jade quirks an eyebrow at me. The other males and a few females gather around me to hear the story.

“I was sixteen, and at sixteen I was a...typical sixteen-year-old, let’s say.”

“She means horny,” Elijah interrupts with a mischievous grin on his face. I elbow him in the side to shut him up, but he continues, “Honestly, I think she was hornier than I was. Unbearable at times.”

I glare at him, “Are you telling this story, or am I?” He’s still wearing that shit-eating grin but doesn’t say anything else.

“Anyway, I was sixteen, horny all the time, but also training with my father’s men daily. Not a good combination if you ask me.” More people are gathering as I continue, “I hadn’t hit my full height and certainly not my full strength by this point, so my father and Nolan had me training with the newest recruits. They were boys, a lot of them orphans. They were all gangly, awkward, and had no clue what they were doing on the battlefield let alone the bedroom. But I managed to find one with pretty eyes that showed promise with a sword. At sixteen, what more could a girl ask for?” This elicits a laugh from them all.

Julian takes a seat quietly on the other side of Elijah and begins tracing swirls up and down Elijah’s bicep. I can feel the shivers that pebble Elijah’s skin at Julian’s touch. The firelight catches his hazel eyes, and I see desire swimming in them. Too bad Elijah is currently my cushion, and he will have to be patient.

I continue my story, “I had been forced to train with the recruits, and it was a particularly humid day, so all of them were shirtless before lunch. A girl can only take so much before she breaks, so naturally instead of sneaking him to my rooms, I cornered him in a storage closet after training and took him there. Nolan walked in on us with the poor kid mid thrust, and the look he gave him had him soft in seconds. It would have been funny if it weren’t quite so sad. Nolan looked at me and asked if it was worth it. I begrudgingly told him no. To which he responded, ‘Just because the kid can hold a weapon, doesn’t mean he knows how to handle his sword. That takes years of practice. Next time find someone who knows what they’re doing. And for gods' sake, take him to your room.’” This has everyone full belly laughing.

“I was mortified to say the least. What he said the next day, though, was something I learned from. He pulled me aside and told me to be careful who I take to my bed. Not because he cared that I fucked someone, or even who they were. But if I wanted to someday lead the armies of Rimor, I would need to ensure the soldiers could trust my judgment. If I showed them that I would let just anyone with a cock into my pants, then they would think I was easily influenced. He said if I wanted to command their respect, I should show them that anyone I let close had to earn their position there. I wanted their respect, so I never took another of my men to bed.”

“So that’s why you always shot me down; I’m too pretty to say no to,” Zion quips.

“No, I never took you because you take anything with a heartbeat to bed. You shut that door all on your own, cupcake.” This has everyone laughing even harder.

“Aye! That’s the damn truth,” Julian chimes in. I shoot a wink to Zion as I hear him grumble something about at least knowing how to use his sword well enough.

I hear a breathy sound come from behind me and turn my head to see Elijah’s head thrown back. Julian’s hand is fisted through Elijah’s hair and his lips are trailing down his stubbled jaw. I feel Elijah’s hand clench at my side, and something firm presses into my back.

Is that... Nope. “No, thank you!” I say as I jump to my feet. “Hard pass on feeling my best friend’s erection.”

They both smirk at me as I hear Elijah say, “Literally,” at the same time Julian tells me I can find somewhere else to be if I’m uncomfortable. I glance over to Jade and Ryder to see they are also...preoccupied. Zion has undoubtedly disappeared to find someone to bury his sorrows in.

The flames from the bonfire lick at my cheeks as I feel eyes on me again. Without turning I blurt, “How long have you been there?”

“Long enough to hear that charming story of yours,” Aurelius teases. “We need to talk, Princess.”

I’m not in the mood for his shit tonight. I know why he’s here, but I’m going to make him work for it. “Ask nicely,” I say with a sickly-sweet tone. By the tick in his jaw, I’d say he doesn’t appreciate my sass.

“All that wine has really gone to your head,” he says, making his way closer to me.

I turn away from him and start to walk away, throwing a flippant, “That wasn’t asking nicely,” over my shoulder as I go. I make it to the tree line behind the castle before he catches up, and my back is suddenly being pressed into the bark of an old oak tree. Damn wine, slowing my reflexes.

A grunt escapes my lips as I stare into Aurelius' dark eyes. The fire behind us really makes the crimson flecks of his eyes glow, almost unnaturally. He has both my wrists in one hand pinned above me on the tree while his other rests on the curve of my left hip. In any other situation this position would be hot, but the flames in his eyes tell me he is livid.

Even so, he leans in close and whispers, “Please,” so softly I barely hear it. I can tell it takes everything in him to utter that word. He’s pissed, so naturally I have to push him further.

“I like it when you beg,” I chuckle in his ear. He growls in response and abruptly pushes away from me. Instantly, I’m stone-cold sober and I know his Hemonia Gift is to thank for that.

“Hey! I worked hard for that buzz,” I pout.

“Too bad. You’ll thank me in the morning when you don’t wake up with a hangover.” This male is insufferable.

“Fine. Talk,” I spit out at him.

“You’re throwing a ball to celebrate your mother’s engagement.”

“I am, but that’s not what has you so worked up.”

“It’s a stupid idea, but you’re right. What has me fuming, Princess, is that you seem intent on inviting snakes into our home,” he seethes. I open my mouth to respond, but he isn’t done. “I specifically warned you against inviting Prince Ayden anywhere near here.”

“Near the palace or near me? ” I challenge. His insistence on keeping Prince Ayden away from the palace makes little sense. No one else has pushed back against the idea as much as Aurelius.

“Both.” His answer doesn’t clear anything up for me.

“Why?” It comes across as the demand it is, not a question.

“You know why.”

“You’re avoiding the question, Aurelius. Tell. Me. Why.” Now I’m just pissed. We’re supposed to be allies, but he’s keeping secrets .

“It’s not safe for you!” he bursts out.

“That’s bullshit! I’m the general of the fucking army, my shadows are the strongest in hundreds of years. I can protect myself, and you damn well know it!”

“Shadows that you currently have no control over,” he grinds out. I look down and see that his wrists are bound by my shadows, holding him taut, and even more are seeping out of my fingers. I didn’t even know I had called them. My jaw drops, then he says softly, “You can’t protect yourself from him, Princess. You’re just going to have to trust me on this.”

I hesitate at his sudden change in tone and the pleading look in his eyes. But his non-answer still has me pissed. “I only trust those who don’t keep secrets from me, Aurelius.” With that I release him from my shadows and walk away. The night ruined, I make my way back to my rooms in the castle. My bed is calling my name.