The Sorrow of Shadows (Crimson & Shadows #1)

Chapter 22

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

brEYLA

I t’s dark as I enter the cold, abandoned graveyard. The moon hangs low in the sky, mostly covered by thick clouds. There’s just enough light to make out the crumbling headstones and overgrown plant life that has overrun the graves. Burying our dead is something that hasn’t been done in centuries, the common practice now being a funeral pyre. Still, the bones of our ancestors sleep beneath my feet. A slight melancholy strikes me as I think about how neglected the resting place of our forefathers has become, forgotten by the world.

I’m not entirely sure what has called me here, but I know I must heed its summons. I feel it tugging in my gut; I can’t ignore this. My bare feet travel the crumbling stone path through the center of the cemetery. It should be painful, but weeds and moss have grown over most of the path, giving it a soft cushion. The hazy moonlight serves as a guide, and I quietly make my way to the back of the area. It’s the oldest section, the stones mostly crumbled to dust and completely unreadable. Yet, as I reach the corner, I find a freshly dug grave. The dirt is piled high with flowers thrown on top.

I glance around the pile to find a pristine tombstone marking the grave. A breeze smelling of fresh rain and hints of leather tosses my hair and causes goosebumps to pebble the flesh of my bare shoulders. There are no dates, no great epitaphs on the stone, just a name. Julian Tanda.

That can’t be right, I think. Running my hand through the loose dirt, I try to puzzle out why my second in command would be buried here. I fail to make sense of it as panic sets in. Julian must be under this dirt, but the last time I saw him he was leaving to gather intel on the movements of Lord Seamus. Has someone trapped him under this earth?

I dig my fingers into the cool soil, shifting the dirt aside to reach my suffocating friend. It cakes my fingers, nails ripping and tearing as I move quickly to save him. My heart rate increases as I move layers and layers, frantic to reach him. I’ve nearly hit the bottom when my fingers touch something hard.

Perplexed, I brush the dirt aside gently, revealing the white of bone. It’s a skull.

“Oh, there you are, Julian.” I smile with relief. “I was so worried about you, but I’m glad you’re safe.”

“Of course, I’m safe, B. Why wouldn’t I be?” Julian’s skull questions, amusement and curiosity thick in this tone.

“No reason, I guess. I just wasn’t sure what you were doing under this pile of dirt in an abandoned graveyard.”

“Seemed as good a place as any to finally get some rest,” Julian sighs. The skull in my hands starts to shimmer and shift. Flesh starts growing where it was once just bone, and after a moment Julian is standing before me.

He’s clad in the leathers I last saw him in, sword strapped to his side and a smile plastered on his face. What a beautiful face it is. The clouds must have shifted, because the moonlight now glows brightly against his mocha skin, and the gold in his hazel eyes sparkles.

“That’s better,” I giggle. “I like you much better in this form.”

“What form is that?”

I gesture to him, waving my hands up and down. “This one, the one where you look like my Julian. My fearless second.”

“Oh, my dear, Breyla.” His smile turns sad. “I’ll always be your Julian. Yours, and Elijah’s, and Jade’s. But I can’t be your second anymore.”

Confusion twists my face. “Why not? I need you. There’s something coming, I feel it.” Couldn’t he see how much I would need my second? How much I would need him?

“I know it feels that way now, but you don’t need me, General.” He steps closer to me and pulls me into his chest, wrapping me in his fresh rain and leather scent.

I relax into his hug, my heart calming. “What’s coming, Julian?”

“I don’t know how to answer that question.” It’s not really an answer.

“But you do know, don’t you?” Julian knew lots of things. His ability to acquire information was part of why I chose him as second.

He tilts my head back so I’m staring into his eyes. “Trust your heart, your gut , but not your eyes . Secrets surround you, some of which will be deadly.”

“Will be?”

“And some that already have been.” That sad smile reappears on his handsome face. Something ripples across his features, and the vague image of his skull shines through. Like I’m looking at Julian, but also his skeleton at the same time.

“Your non-answers will be the death of me,” I grumble.

His face stills. “No, they won’t.” His tone is deathly serious.

Frustratedly, I demand, “What aren’t you telling me?”

“I’m sorry, B. I don’t answer to you any longer. That’s all I can say.” His form wavers again, fading more into the skeleton form momentarily.

“I still don’t understand. Of course you answer to me. I am your general and your princess.”

“You are my friend and a wonderful general; someday you’ll be a fierce warrior queen. But no, I don’t answer to you. Death answers to no one. Not even you, Breyla.”

In that moment, it finally clicks. Death answers to no one. Julian is dead. The image of his skeleton showing through his skin becomes clearer as my heart shatters again.

“N-No...” I stutter, running my hands up his chest. My fingers run over his jaw, his cheeks, every part of his face as I try to convince myself it’s all a lie. Julian isn’t really dead; this is all a dream. It’s not real. It can’t be real.

“Shhh...” Julian soothes me, pulling me back into his chest. He’s firm beneath my hands, firm and warm. It’s not real.

“Just because it’s a dream, doesn’t make it any less real. Those aren’t mutually exclusive in this case. I am dead, Breyla.”

“Why?” I sob into his chest, refusing to let him go. If I hold him tight enough, maybe he’ll stay.

“I found something I wasn’t supposed to. It’s not what we believed, but so much worse. It’s okay, B. Everything will be okay in the end.”

“You’re not usually the optimistic twin.”

“Death does interesting things to your perspective.”

“When will I see you again?”

“Not for a very long time. You have far too much to do in this world. But we’ll all be here for you once you’ve accomplished it all.”

“We?”

“Yes, we. Nolan, me, your father. We’ll all be watching you do the impossible.”

My chest tightens at his words. The sorrow of their loss fills me. “Any other words of wisdom for doing impossible things? ”

“Nobody is who they seem. The next steps will be the hardest Jade has ever taken. I need you to be there for her. We’ve never lived without each other, but she must figure out how. Don’t let her do it on her own. It won’t be easy for anyone, but please...Don’t let her face it alone.”

“You have my word.” It was the easiest promise I had ever made.

He places a soft kiss on my forehead, then rests his head on top of mine. We stand there for a few minutes more, listening to the silence of the ancient graveyard.

“It’s time to wake up, B.”

“No,” I plead. I squeeze him tighter, refusing to let him slip through my fingers.

“It’s time to face the real world. I’ll be watching you kick its ass, so don’t let me down.”

“No!” I cry again, gripping him harder. I don’t want to leave this space. Everything is better here.

“Things are easier here, not better. You made me a promise, and I expect you to keep it. Now go live, Breyla.”

With those final words, his form starts to fade again, this time losing its solid state with it. My hands slip through the space where his chest was just moments ago. Tears stream down my cheeks and I shake my head as I look into his honey-green eyes one last time. He smiles at me one last time as his form fades completely and consciousness greets me.

When I awake my chest is heavy, cheeks wet with tears. I suck in a shaking breath, trying to calm my racing heart. There’s a heaviness in my center that feels like I’ll never breathe deeply again. Julian is dead.

The sun hasn’t yet appeared, and by my calculations we still have several hours before sunrise. Normally, I would be up at this hour. Most soldiers were early risers. But this isn’t a normal day, and I refuse to start it this way.

Julian’s words ring in my ears. “ Don’t let her face it alone. ”

Silently, I crawl out of bed, wrap a thick black robe around myself, and exit my chambers. It’s quiet in the palace halls, having reached the hour that finds only the kitchen staff awake, preparing for breakfast. I drift through the halls still half asleep until I finally reach Jade’s room.

I don’t bother knocking, knowing she’s alone and hoping she’s still asleep. The room feels heavy as I enter to hear Jade’s soft exhales. As I approach, I notice her cheeks are stained with mostly dried tears. Her deep breaths let me know she’s asleep now, so they must have come earlier or in her sleep. Either option has me fighting my own again.

I pull back the rich emerald-green covers on her bed and slide in beside her. Jade senses me in her sleep and rolls closer, curling into my side. My heavy eyelids droop lower as I nuzzle into her. I may not be ready to face the day, but I refuse to let her wake up to face it alone. She sighs softly as I drift back into sleep. This time, all I see are bright hazel eyes.

“I definitely think gold is the right accent color for the ball tomorrow.” I watch the servants busy themselves with hanging tapestries of crimson and wine in preparation for the engagement celebration. Guests have been slowly trickling in all day and there’s not a moment to spare.

Mother quirks a blonde eyebrow at me. “When did you start forming an opinion on accent colors?” she questions, placing the silver candelabra down and holding the gold against one of the deep-red table liners.

“Gold will compliment both your complexion and Aurelius' eyes.” I shrug like anyone could see that.

“Mhm,” she muses.

“You should also wear a gold dress. You’d look like more of a goddess than you already do,” I suggest.

“And what will you be wearing, daughter?”

“Haven’t decided yet. Probably something black.”

“No, I think not. There will be no hiding in dark corners, Breyla. You will help us show a united front to all those in attendance.” Her tone leaves no room for argument.

“Would you like to pick out my dress, too?” I snark.

“I don’t think you want me to go that far,” she challenges. “Why don’t you wear our house colors? They flatter you, and it sends a message.”

“And what message is that?”

“Strength. And confidence in your rightful place.”

“Is that rightful place as princess or general?” I question, not sure her meaning.

“Yes.”

Helpful non-answer, yet again.

“Have all the guests arrived?” I ask, changing the subject.

“I believe so.” She stops what she’s doing, setting the napkins on the table, and places her hand gently on my bicep.

“How is Jade?” she asks softly, as if that will make the topic easier to speak about.

“She’d be better if we actually had his body to burn. She didn’t say much this morning, but I left her with Ophelia and Elijah.”

“We’ll recover his body, Breyla. He will get his proper rights, I promise.”

“How can you be so sure of that? We don’t even know who is responsible for his murder. There’s too many moving pieces and not enough information all at once. We don’t even really know why someone would have done this...” I feel my chest tighten. I blink back the tears threatening to burst from me and shove the waves of grief and pain down. I lock it in the little black box that I keep all my pain in .

My mother squeezes my arm reassuringly and strokes my cheek. “Just trust your mother on this. I don’t have all the answers, but we will bring your second home.”

I sigh and drop the conversation. “So, have you decided what you’ll be wearing tomorrow? Something old? Something new?”

It’s then that I feel the atmosphere in the room shift, and I know Aurelius has entered. He says nothing, but I feel him watching us from the ballroom doorway.

“I have my seamstress putting the final touches on a new dress. Do I need to send her to you next?” She raises her eyebrow at me. She really isn’t going to let me get away with wearing black.

“Absolutely not,” I say, trying to protest.

“Very well, I’ll send her to your chambers tomorrow morning.” She completely ignores my protest.

I groan and roll my eyes. “What about you, Lord Aurelius? What will you be wearing?”

“I wasn’t aware you cared about my attire, Princess.” His tone is unamused.

“Just trying to make polite conversation.”

He scoffs, “You, polite? Unlikely.”

At this, my mother actually lets out a low chuckle, which she then tries to cover up by clearing her throat.

“Seriously? You’re agreeing with him?” I ask incredulously.

“Well, he’s not wrong, dear. Somewhere in your schooling your tutors gave up teaching you proper court etiquette and manners.”

“Battle strategy is much more useful,” I grumble.

“Breyla, may I speak with you?” Aurelius asks.

“You’re speaking with me now.”

“In private,” he clarifies.

“Very well,” I concede, following him out of the ballroom. We walk in silence for a while, passing servants bustling around the castle. It’s the busiest I’ve seen the palace staff in quite some years.

He leads me down the halls until we reach the private rooms the castle guards use to train new recruits. They aren’t fancy, but functional.

Once inside one of the rooms he shuts the door and uses magic to lock it. I look at him warily, trying to figure out what kind of conversation this will be. I cross the room and lean my back against the wall, folding my arms in front of my chest.

“What conversation was so important you had to drag me down to the empty training rooms? The twenty other empty rooms we passed weren’t good enough for you?”

Aurelius slides his hands casually into the pockets of his black slacks and leans against the wall opposite me. He levels me with a dark gaze. “I anticipate this conversation will get loud and I figured you didn’t want others overhearing what’s about to happen.”

His words would suggest a scandalous meaning, but his tone doesn’t. He’s being serious.

“That’s awfully presumptuous of you,” I snort.

He ignores my comment and continues, “When was the last time you were in this room?”

I know the answer, but I’m not playing his game, so I just shrug. “It’s been a while,” I say with all the nonchalance I can muster.

“How long, Breyla?” Aurelius pushes. “Because as long as I’ve been back you’ve trained exclusively outside.”

“Your point? I prefer training outside. It’s more realistic for battle scenarios and I like the outdoors,” I say in a bored tone.

“Liar.” He pushes off the wall and quickly strides across the room toward me.

“I’m not lying. You’d know if I was.” In my best attempt to ignore him, I inspect the nails of my right hand and refuse to meet his stare .

“That’s the problem, Breyla. I can tell you aren’t lying to me. But you are lying to yourself. You believe the reason you gave me for not training here, but that’s not the real reason you refuse to step foot in this room.”

“Excuse me?”

“You haven’t stepped foot in here since before your father’s death. Don’t play me for a fool, Princess. This specific training room was the one your father and Commander Nolan trained you in. Only this one. I know because they trained me here, too. The real reason you haven’t come here is because this room reminds you of what you lost— who you lost.”

My jaw drops, but I can’t find the words fighting to get out. My tongue feels like lead in my mouth.

Aurelius steps right up to me, leaving no space between us, and tilts my chin up so I’m looking him in the eyes. I could swear the red in his brown irises is dancing, brighter than normal, almost like live embers lived in his eyes.

“You’ve lost so much in so little time. You literally received your second’s head in a box yesterday?—”

“What. Is. Your. Fucking. Point.” I grit the words out, my teeth clenched so hard I might crack a tooth. Did he just bring me here to rub in everything I had lost?

“My point, Princess.” He leans closer to my face and tightens his grip on my chin. In any other situation this position would be erotic, but I’m just pissed. “Is that you should be grieving, but I found you planning a fucking ball instead.”

“How I choose to grieve is none of your business, Aurelius,” I seethe.

“That’s the problem, Breyla. It is my problem, because you aren’t fucking grieving at all. You’re ignoring, and avoiding, and shoving your feelings down to deal with another day. You push people you care about away, because you fear the pain of losing someone else. You’ve barely spoken to your mother since you arrived, and when you do it’s sarcastic, rude, and surface level. Did you ever once stop to think she was feeling the same pain you were?”

“How dare you—” I start, but I’m cut off before I can continue.

“No, Princess. How dare you. ” He’s glaring at me now. “How dare you refuse to face anything remotely real, refuse to fucking feel your completely normal emotions, and think of only yourself. Everyone else around you is grieving, yet you won’t let anyone in when they need you as much as you need them. I get that being General, being surrounded by death on the battlefield, requires you to compartmentalize your emotions so you can effectively lead. But you can’t do that here. You have to feel, Breyla.” His voice has softened a fraction by the end of his rant.

Hot tears line my eyes and fight to break free. I try to turn my head away so he can’t see me. Vulnerability is not my strong suit, and I refuse to look weak in front of anyone.

“No, Princess. Stop fighting it. Look at me and let it all go.”

“You want me to let it all go?” I whisper.

“Yes. I need you to let it out.”

“It’s your fault,” I spit at him.

To his credit, he doesn’t even flinch. “Come again?”

“It’s your fucking fault. Julian’s death is on you, Aurelius.” Shadows start seeping out my fingertips, but I don’t care about my lack of control right now. The fury building in my veins has my blood boiling.

His head tilts to the side slightly as if he is thinking before he speaks. “You need someone to blame? Fine. Blame me. You need someone to rage at? You’ve got it. I’m right here, I can take whatever you throw at me.”

“Julian wouldn’t have even been here if you hadn’t gone behind my back to bring him to the palace. There was no reason for him to be here. Now he’s gone because of you .” My voice rises the more I talk. The shadows have now begun flowing from every part of me, slowly filling the training room with darkness .

Aurelius releases my chin and steps back from me, throwing his arms open wide. “Come on, Princess. You can do better than that. I wasn’t the one who sent him on a scouting mission alone with so many unknown factors. No, that was all you.” His truthful words hurt more than I want to admit.

I let out a frustrated and desperate growl before throwing my shadows at him, letting them wrap around his arms and render him immobile. Before I know what I’m doing, my hand is around his throat. The room is growing even darker, but all I see is red.

“Bodies didn’t start dropping until you showed up to court, Aurelius. Why is that?” I whisper in his ear as I apply more pressure. The feeling of his racing pulse under my thumb is intoxicating. I squeeze harder, but he doesn’t flinch.

“Try again. The first death—your father’s death—was before me. Nobody else died until you arrived.” I could tell he was starting to struggle for breath, but I was having a hard time caring. He had wanted me to feel, and this was me feeling.

I scream, my rage boiling over, and drop my hand from his throat. “Why?” I half sob, half demand. “Why are you here? Why do people want you dead, Aurelius?” I’m grasping at straws now.

“I’ve told you before, I’m here to protect your mother and you. I don’t know why they’re coming for me, but that’s not really what you’re asking.” He is remarkably calm for just being nearly strangled.

I feel the small cracks in my chest widening, ripping themselves apart. My knees hit the floor as I scream again, my fury turning to sorrow. A wave of darkness explodes out of me, shadows covering every inch of the training room as every emotion I’ve kept bottled away comes to the surface.

They pour out of me, hitting me all at once. Sorrow, fear, guilt, desperation, heartbreak, love, and grief wage a war inside me as I continue to wail.

I sense, more than see, Aurelius hit his knees in front of me. He reaches a hand to my cheek and pushes me again. “Come on, little demon, I know you’ve got more in you. Let me have it all.”

My shadows become living extensions of the pain I feel, turning into sharp edges and whips that fly around me. I feel the crevice in my chest crack open wider still and more pour out of me. They tear through the room, slicing and cutting through whatever is in their path.

Soft grunts come from Aurelius, and my eyes fly open. I manage to pull back enough of the shadows to clearly see him. He’s still kneeling directly before me, his arms open wide and head thrown back. His clothes are in tatters and thin red lines cover his body, blood trickling down the cuts that my shadows created.

I gasp at the thought that I had caused him to bleed, and he looks up at me.

Giving me a wicked smile, he says calmly, “There she is—my little demon. We’re not done, give me more. I’ve tasted your anger and blame, now let me taste your sorrow and grief. Give me your pain.”

Who is this male?

I finally voice the question he wanted me to ask before. “Why, Aurelius? Why does everyone I love keep dying? When will it stop?”

A sob breaks free, and I slump as the anger is replaced with grief. I clench my stomach, trying to soothe the ache deep in my core. The pain I’ve been denying floods my system, and I feel my body crumble to the floor.

Before my head can hit the ground, Aurelius is there, cradling my trembling body. Sobs wrack my body as tears flow freely now.

“That’s it, my girl. Let it all out for me,” he says soothingly. His long fingers run through my tangled locks as he pulls me closer into his body.

I tremble and curl into his broad chest, soaking up his warmth. Breathing becomes difficult as I cry so hard I start to hyperventilate.

He rocks me gently, letting me feel whatever comes to the surface. After a few minutes, he looks me in the eyes. “I need you to take a deep breath for me, Breyla. You’re struggling to breathe, so either you calm down or I’ll be forced to intervene.”

“I-I ca-can’t...” I struggle to get the words out, letting him know I have no control over my body right now. I sob again, pleading with my eyes for him to make it stop.

“Shhhh, it’s okay. I’ve got you,” he whispers as I feel his power wrap around me, my heartbeat slowing to a manageable rate. The tension leaves my body, and I suck in a deep breath.

Tears still stream down my face, snot running out my nose, but I feel like I can finally breathe again.

“Thank you.” My voice is a whisper.

“You never have to thank me, Princess.”

I nod, but don’t say anything more. I curl back into his chest as tears continue dancing down my cheeks. It takes a few minutes more before I feel the last of the adrenaline leave my system, and my spent body slumps in his arms.

The shadows have cleared from the room, but I feel sleep calling me as blackness creeps around the edges of my vision. Aurelius senses the shift in me and moves to stand up, keeping me cradled in his arms as he does so.

Even if I wanted to protest, I lacked the strength to do anything, so I let him carry me out of the training room and through the castle. My eyes flutter shut, and when I open them again, we’re outside his quarters. I don’t say anything as he carries me through his door, lays me in his bed, and pulls the sheets up around me.

I hear him rustling around his room for a few minutes before I feel the bed dip behind me. His arm wraps around me, and he pulls me into his warm, bare chest.

I can’t help myself and ask, “Why are you naked, Aurelius? ”

“Because you destroyed my clothes, Breyla. And I’m not completely naked. Now go to sleep, little demon.” He chuckles and squeezes me tighter.

As if on cue, I yawn and snuggle closer to him.

“Little demon, I need you to stop moving,” Aurelius growls softly in my ear.

“I’m just trying to get comfortable; your bed is harder than mine,” I complain while adjusting slightly.

“It’s not the only thing. Now quit moving. My restraint can only be pushed so far,” he grumbles and pinches my side.

“Fine, fine,” I concede, and I still in his arms. I let out another deep sigh and yawn as my eyes flutter shut. Finally, the darkness claims me. I sleep peacefully and without any dreams.