The Way We Play (Bradford Boys #2)

Chapter 21

21

Zane

“ A re you a Buddhist?” Rachel’s cheek rests against my chest, and she traces her finger along the black and white lines of the Taijitu symbol on my sleeve.

We can’t seem to keep our hands off each other. We’ve had sex in almost every room in Miss Gina’s house. We had sex in the pool, on the massage table, in the library against the stacks. She offered to help me work on the elevator and ended up straddling my lap on the bench inside it.

Hanging out at Cooters & Shooters, I caught her making eyes at me from across the kitchen, and we ended up fucking in the bathroom with her bent over the sink. We’re like rabbits on steroids.

Tonight, I’m in her bed, and we’ve set an alarm for early tomorrow morning, Tuesday, before Edward wakes. We’re taking him for a horseback ride before I head to Miss Gina’s to fix that elevator.

She’s not allowed to come to the house today. I have to get at least one thing done before Miss G returns from visiting her family.

Frowning, I watch her slim finger tracing the circle tattoo on my arm. The taijitu is the yin-yang symbol. It expresses how there’s always a drop of dark in the good… but the reverse is also true. In all the darkness, there’s still light. She’s the light.

She asked if I was a Buddhist.

“A little.” I confess.

“How can you be a little Buddhist?” Her nose wrinkles, and she lifts her chin.

Gazing down into her pretty green eyes, I think about those dark days after my accident, how hard I spiraled. “When we lost Mom, then Dad so fast, it was like a hurricane came through, wiping out everything.” Her brow furrows, and her eyes fill with concern. “Then when it felt like we’d managed to rebuild, when things were getting better, I hurt Dylan.”

“It was an accident,” she whispers, circling her fingers around my forearm and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“I ended her career, something she’d worked for all her life.” My stomach twists, and I swallow the ache in my throat. “Football was the one thing I could control. I worked hard, I made every goal. I got a million-dollar contract, and I tried to hide from the pain by being the best on the field. Then in one bad play it was all over.”

The words settle around us. The soft click of the heating unit breaks the silence. I remember lying in that hospital bed alone.

“You were hurt so badly.” Her voice is quiet.

“I’d never felt physical pain like that.” My muscles are tight as I show her my truth. “I deserved it.” She starts to argue, but I continue. “Karma evened the score, but darkness was still attached to me. I brought tragedy, and I had to understand why and whether I could break it. If all I did was destroy, I had to stay away. ”

Quiet envelops us, and she continues sliding her fingers over my skin. I see her mind working, thinking, searching for a reply, but I’ve gone through all the options. I’ve watched the patterns play out over and over, and I know it’s only a matter of time before I break this, too.

“I could sage you.”

“You know I don’t like that woo-woo shit.”

“What you said was pretty woo woo.”

“What I said is real. It’s not energy or magic. I break things. People get hurt.”

She exhales slowly, and I push my emotions down again. I don’t talk about this with people, because they want to argue with me. They want to tell me it’s in my mind or I’m wrong or get therapy. Then they go on with their lives, and I’m left with the fallout.

Her lips tighten, and she reaches up to slide her thumb along the line of my jaw. “Accidents happen, Zee. Your parents’ deaths, your injury, even Dylan’s—it wasn’t your fault.”

“But it was.” In my worst nightmares, I still hear Dylan’s screams. I still wake up in a sweat feeling the crunch of her delicate bones beneath me.

Clenching my jaw, I force that echo away. “So I studied Buddhism, learned to meditate…”

“To ease your pain.” Her fingers trace along my skin, so soothing and loving.

So dangerous.

“It didn’t work. I still brace for the tragedy, for the other shoe to drop.”

“So you added it to your sleeve?”

I wrap my arms around her small body, pulling her into my chest. Lowering my face, I bury it in her hair. Her arms wrap around me, and she holds me just as tight.

So much comfort is here, so much hope, but my anxiety is fiercely waiting. I think about all the rules I’m breaking with her, daring to get attached .

I try to fight it. I tell myself it’s safe. We’re only fucking, it’s not a relationship. We can still walk away from this. She’ll go on and be fine without me. I’ll live without her.

Lies. They’re all lies, and it scares the hell out of me.

I’ve got to try and get a handle on this, put things back to where they were, keep her in the safe zone if it’s not too late.

Tightening my arms around her body one more time, I memorize the feeling, the scent, the warmth of her in my arms. Then I release her.

“Goodnight.” I step out of the bed, tucking the blankets into her side.

“You’re leaving?” She holds out her hand as I move away. “Stay with me.”

I shake my head. “We’re heading out early. Get some rest.”

Another pouty noise, but I force my feet to move.

Driving down to Second-Chance Farms, I lower the windows so the cool air can swirl around us. It’s not as intense as removing the doors, so Edward should be okay in the back.

I don’t want to talk.

Rachel bounced around this morning, making coffee, toasting pop-tarts for her and Edward. I nuked a sausage biscuit.

“I wonder which is worse for you—this or that.” She pointed from her crap to mine, and her happy taunting was like nails scratching my conflicted insides.

“One morning, I’ll make us a real breakfast.” The words came out automatically, and I winced.

My goal was to ease us back to the friend zone, not offer to make her breakfast.

“Just name the day, cowboy. I’ll wear my PJs.” She sidled up beside me, and my dick responded at once. “Or nothing at all.”

My jaw tightened, and I grunted. Fuck me . She wrinkled her nose, held my arm, and kissed my cheek, honeysuckle swirling around us.

Now, pulling up to the barn, we’re the only ones here. The therapy kids aren’t here this week because of the holiday, and Gloria and Sandra took a little road trip to Orange Beach for a romantic getaway.

“It’s been a while since I was on a horse.” Rachel walks ahead of us down the center of the barn.

Her ass taunts me in those faded jeans, and she’s cute as hell in cowboy boots and a long-sleeved maroon henley. It hugs her curves and enhances her tits in a way that’s not helping my resolve.

Shiloh and a few of the other horses hang their heads over the doors of their stalls, watching us with big brown eyes.

“We’d better put her on Nala.” Edward nods to the gentle old mare in the last stall.

“Good call.” I head to the tack room, with him right behind me.

When we emerge, I notice he’s wearing a new plaid shirt over his usual tee. I look down at myself and see we match.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you two were a team.” Rachel winks, holding the door as Edward enters the stall.

A team. The word tightens my shoulders, and the pressure in my mind increases. If something happened to Edward because of me…

I don’t answer, going instead to where Shiloh is waiting and saddling him up. Edward’s helping his sister, and I’ve got two horses ready to go by the time he’s giving her a leg-up.

“Nala will follow the other horses, but do you know how to command her just in case?”

“I’m pretty sure I remember.” She shakes her head, smiling in wonder. “It’s like you’ve been doing this all your life. ”

“Horses are easy to work with.” Edward walks over to Shiloh, placing his foot in the stirrup and swinging onto the horse’s back in one fluid move. “Zane taught me a lot.”

She looks over her shoulder giving me a warm smile. “He did.”

Shifting on Frodo’s back, I look down at the reins in my hand unable to shake this tension.

“Lead the way, Eddie!” Rachel calls, and he gives Shiloh a squeeze and a click.

The sleek, inky horse trots out of the barn, and he’s a beauty to watch with those long legs and shiny coat. He might not be able to race anymore, but he’s still a work of art.

The three of us take off down the pasture in the direction of the bluffs. Edward leads the way with Rachel between us, spurring the horses from a jolty trot to a gentle lope.

He really is doing great. I’ve been with him every day over the past several weeks, and still I’m impressed by his progress.

His confidence is through the roof, and I think he’s going to fit in seamlessly at his new school. Allie said several of the students already recognize him from the library, and he’s getting a reputation for being a pool shark.

Rachel is happy, and her happiness swells my chest with pride. It’s what I want to give her more than anything. Her blonde hair lifts in the breeze, and I think of her shining eyes, green as the meadow stretching before us. I want her to have a beautiful life, and after everything she’s been through, I’ll do whatever I can to make sure it happens.

We make our way to the wide walking path that leads up to the large pier. We turn when we get to the park that continues on the scenic drive north, where we stop to give the horses a rest. Edward slides off Shiloh’s back, and Rachel slides down to join him.

“I’m going to call you Roy Rogers.”

“Who’s that?” Edward frowns .

“He was the king of the cowboys. I’m surprised I know something you don’t.”

I slide off Frodo and stand beside him, watching as the two of them walk to the water’s edge.

“Cowboys herd cattle. I’m not a cowboy.” Logical as always.

“I’m still really proud of you.” She puts her hand on his shoulder lightly. “You’ve come a long way since we got here.”

He nods, looking out at the water. “I like it here. I wasn’t sure at first. It was really hot, and I didn’t know anybody. But perfect is the enemy of good.”

“That’s what Zane says.” Rachel glances at me, and I rub my neck, looking down. “I think you’ve done a really good job here. Zane has taught you a lot, and I’m so grateful for it.”

She’s looking at me, but I pull myself onto Frodo again. “We need to head on back now.”

I’ve got to get to Miss Gina’s, and we’ll need to feed and tack the horses. Edward goes immediately to where Shiloh and Nala are standing, waiting to give his sister a leg up.

The ride back is quicker, and when we get to the stables, we each take our horses to their stalls. Edward can help Rachel. It’s best if I keep my distance.

I carry my heavy leather saddle to the narrow tack room, and stop short when I see her inside, examining the different bridles and equipment. Without making eye contact, I pass her, dropping the blanket on the ground before sliding the saddle onto its horse.

“I’ve got this!” Her voice is bright, and she grabs the blanket before I have a chance. “Where does it go?”

Stepping up beside her, I take it. “It’ll hang on this rack to dry.”

She steps to the door, peeking out, then hops over to me, putting her hands on my chest. “I think he’s still in the stall brushing Shiloh. ”

Rising higher, she goes for a kiss, but I pull back, putting my hands over hers, and moving them down.

“Is something wrong?” The confusion in her eyes twists the pain in my stomach.

“I haven’t gotten much work done this week.”

“I know.” Her voice is naughty, and she waggles her eyebrows.

She reaches for my hand, but I avoid it, going to the shelf and picking up a brush instead. It makes no difference, she follows me into the barn, all the way to Frodo’s stall.

“You’re limping again.” Her voice is upbeat, and my chest is tight. “We need another massage session. The real, sports-medicine kind.”

“I’m okay.” I open the door and step into the stall, placing my hand on the horse’s shoulder.

“You’ve been doing a lot of hip work. It’s only natural your back is tired.”

“The pain helps me remember…” I don’t finish that sentence.

“Remember what?”

Shit . “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Who would?”

I don’t answer. I rub the brush across and down Frodo’s back in a few long moves, then bend down and check his hooves for rocks. Finding none, I start for the door again, where Rachel stands, her arms crossed, green eyes blazing.

I tell myself it’s better this way.

“Who do you talk to about your pain?”

“What are you doing, Rachel?” It’s a question from our early days of bickering.

“I’m trying to find out who you’ll let close to you. If not me, then who? The horses?”

My jaw tightens, and I exhale a growl as I pass her. She’s not letting me off the hook.

Taking a breath, she changes her tone to gentle urging. “I love that you have this connection with the animals. I see how beneficial it is to you and to Edward, but you need more. You need people. You need a person.”

She stands in the doorway, blocking my way out of this small room, forcing me to face her.

“We’ve had a good time, Rachel, but it’s time to get back to normal.”

“What’s normal? Pushing me away? Treating me like I don’t matter to you?”

Her words are knives in my chest, but I keep my tone firm. “I told you how it is with me. The pain reminds me not to get too close.”

“Are you saying you’ll never let me in? After everything we’ve shared?”

My eyes move from hers to the wooden floor. “It’s for the best.”

“No, it’s not, and if you think you’re getting away that easily, you’re wrong.” Exhaling a huff, she turns on her heel and walks away from me.

I tell myself I know what I’m doing.

I go to where Edward is finishing up feeding the other horses, and I hand him the key to my Jeep. “Give this to Rachel. I’ll take the truck up to Miss Gina’s.”

His brow furrows, and he looks around. “Okay.”

“I’ll see you later on tonight.” Reaching out, I pat him on the shoulder. “Good work today. You make a good trail leader.”

He looks up at me, and the confident expression on his face is enough.