The Way We Play (Bradford Boys #2)

Chapter 23

23

Zane

Z en Buddhism teaches that attachment is the source of suffering, and fuck if that isn’t the absolute truth. I’m so attached to Rachel, my muscles ache. Every molecule in my being wants her.

Being near her last night, watching Eddie bond with Austin and Kimmie, I wanted to wrap my arms around her like real parents. Our little guy has grown so much.

When the fuck did Edward become our little guy ?

I’m all fucked up, and I don’t know what’s right. I wake up in a sweat, my stomach tied up in knots worrying about what might happen to her. I said I’m keeping her safe, but is she right? Am I really running away to protect myself?

“Hey man, you’ve been looking really good lately.” Logan walks out, giving my back a slap. “Did you finally get it together with Rachel?”

We’re in the studio to pre-record the show for broadcast tomorrow, Thanksgiving Day. Garrett’s lined up to join us on the mic, and Jack is on his way .

Oliver Duck waits to record, watching us with interest. He’s still not happy with anything Logan does, but I get the feeling we’re good. At least he doesn’t give me shit, and his older sister seems to like me—a little too much for my taste.

I don’t want to lie to Logan, but I also don’t want to talk about it. “I’m ready for the show. Let’s do this.”

“Okay, then.” He turns his back to me, and I notice his thumbs flying over the screen of his phone.

Just as fast, my phone lights up.

Logan

He’ll neither confirm nor deny.

Garrett

We finally got you laid!!! High fives all around.

Hendrix

High fiving a million angels. Good work, bro.

I cut my eyes at Logan, who isn’t facing me.

I don’t know what you assholes are talking about.

Jack

Rachel’s a good girl. Two enthusiastic thumbs up.

You’d better not be texting and driving.

Jack

I’m at the restaurant, dickhead. Dylan’s watching Kimmie.

Garrett

Why are you still grumpy? You’re getting hot Rachel pussy.

Don’t ever talk about Rachel like that again.

Hendrix

Fuck me, bro’s in love.

I am not in love.

Lie . I am so fucking in love, I’m running scared.

Garrett

The only time I get pissed when someone talks about a lady is when I love her.

Logan

Rachel’s really sweet. It’s a good match.

I’m not in love with Rachel. We’re not a match. We’re not dating.

Garrett

Why the fuck not?

Jack

What?

Logan

Bruh, did she let you down easy?

She didn’t let me down. We were never together.

Logan

I call bullshit. You totally sexed her up.

Jack

Same.

Hendrix

Many men equate settling down with death.

Garrett

Are you looking in the mirror right now, H?

Hendrix

Again, nothing wrong with staying loose. He’s only 33?

Jack

He’s 35.

Hendrix

Dang, bro, it’s time to get serious.

Garrett

Just be still and let it happen.

Bye.

Garrett

I’m talking to you in one minute!

Not about this.

Jack arrives, and I cut my eyes at him and Logan as we pull on our headsets. Logan has a shit-eating grin on his face, and the two of them exhale a laugh at my expense .

I don’t engage. “Are we going to talk football or what?”

“Keep your shirt on,” Jack chuckles.

Oliver punches a button, and Garrett appears on the screen. Logan counts us in, and we start with the usual introduction, welcome back to football chat, and introducing our guests.

Sitting around the table, it feels good to put all my shit aside and talk about the game.

We discuss the season, last week’s games, strategy. Garrett and Logan talk about the Pirates and how that’s going, then break down the plays and make predictions. Jack fills us in on which young players to watch out for and where the local seniors are headed.

Football is family. It’s comfort. It’s sitting around the dinner table with Dad when we were kids, after we’d played hard, and he’d give us pointers on how we could improve our game.

We learned so much from him. I miss him every day, and hell, I could sure use his input right now.

When we’re finished recording, I’m restless. I repaired Miss Gina’s elevator, the kittens are fed, and without the old lady around finding a hundred little jobs for me to do, I’ve got an afternoon to kill.

If I go to the house, Rachel will probably be there. Hell, if I go to the restaurant, she’ll probably be there.

Jack follows me out, and I catch him. “Would you help me bring the truck back to Gloria’s?”

“Sure.” He hops into his red Ford step-side, and he follows me down the scenic road, all the way to the big white barn in the middle of a wide-open, grassy field bordered with a long white fence.

The sky is low, and it looks like rain is coming. The weather has been warm, so I expect it’ll rain tonight and be frigid tomorrow. I park the truck under the carport, thinking I’d check on the horses.

Jack parks his truck and steps out, walking with me into the barn. He knows what we need to do, and I’m glad I asked him for a ride. He can help me check their feed and make sure the barn is secure against the wind and rain.

Jack’s never been a big talker. We could do all of this in companionable silence, but he stops beside me at Shiloh’s stall, sliding his hand down the horse’s shiny dark-chocolate neck.

“What’s eating you, Zee?” He glances over at me.

“I thought y’all had decided I was all good. Ready to settle down.”

“I’ve known you a little longer than them.”

I huff a laugh, wondering if two years makes that much of a difference. Maybe it does. Hell, less than an hour ago, I was at the station wishing I could talk to my dad. Jack’s always been the next best thing.

“It’s not as simple as that for me.”

He pats the horse, turning to face me. “It’s not simple for anyone, but I will say I haven’t seen you so happy in a long time, definitely not since you’ve been back home.”

“It’s been a while.”

“Is this about her dad?”

“Nah, you were right about that. Rachel’s nothing like Jayden.”

“So what’s the problem?”

My gaze moves to the big, open door, where gray clouds gather like ghosts crowding closer to hide the blue sky.

Saying this out loud is difficult. “I haven’t been the same since my injury. I can’t shake it.”

“Are you in pain?” His dark brow furrows, and I shake my head.

“Not physically.” Rachel took care of that. “It’s more a sense that good things aren’t meant for me. They’re for you and Dylan and Rachel…” I exhale heavily. Saying her name makes me miss her. “Not me.”

“I get that.”

“You do?” I frown up at him.

We turn and walk slowly up the alley to the next stall .

“Sure.” He nods, reaching up to pat Frodo’s gray neck. “You lost everything in one bad play. You’re bound to feel disoriented, lost. Hell, I’m sure there’s trauma there.”

It’s the same thing the therapist said, the few times I talked to him. “Knowing it doesn’t make it go away.”

After a month of therapy, I couldn’t talk about it anymore. Nothing changed.

“Talk therapy didn’t work for me.”

“Okay, so what if you try something different?” He glances up at me. “What if you work on how you think about situations? Everything that happened, that was your path, but everyone has their own path. What if Rachel is here to help you heal?”

Groaning, I turn, clasping my hands behind my neck. “It sounds like wishful thinking.”

“It’s a real type of therapy, and it works.” His tone is firm. “You’ll never stop feeling bad if you don’t change your mindset. It’s called distorted thinking. Sure, a lot of bad shit happened to us. We all lost things, but flip it around. You front-loaded the bad, and now it’s time to let good into your life.”

My shoulders are tight. My chest is tight, and I know it’s going to take more than one conversation to fix what’s wrong with me. Still, I’m willing to give anything a try if it’ll stop this cycle. “It’s a nice idea.”

“Practice it. Every time you go dark, actively stop it. Change your mind. Come back.”

It feels too simple, but I hear what he’s saying. I see the work. “When did you get so wise?”

He reaches out to grip my shoulder. “Things get broken, but you know what happens when a bone breaks? It heals back stronger. You’ve had a lot of breaks, but you’re stronger than you think, brother.”

“I think Dylan might take that prize.”

“Dylan’s a fighter, and so are you. Dylan’s path led her to Logan. Let Rachel’s path heal your wounds. ”

The fist is still in my chest. “If I hurt her or let her be hurt, I wouldn’t get over it.”

“You would.” Blue eyes fix on mine. “We’re here for you, but you’ve got to own your strength. It’s in you, man. I see it every day. We all do.”

His fingers tighten on my shoulder, and he pulls me into a hug. We slap each other’s backs, and looking around, I think we’re done here. I think I’m ready to get my head out of my ass and track down my angry pixie.

I sure have given her a reason to be pissed at me this time.