& Then They Wed (Ampersand Love #2)

36. Respect

36

Respect

Aditi

S he had to keep going.

She had to keep moving, stay busy and do something , whether or not it was useful, she decided, throwing a random scarf into her suitcase. She turned, brushing past the man who’d been standing silently in her room for well over a half hour, waiting for her to give him a chance.

Waiting for her to acknowledge him.

But doing so would mean having to stop, and stopping would mean that the feelings she was running from would catch up to her.

She knew it was inevitable. After all, how could she escape a tidal wave that had been growing at her shore, the warning for which she had not heeded?

She pulled out two shirts from her closet, stepping around Rian, who’d followed her yet again.

“Can we please talk now?” she heard him request, possibly for the fifth time since they’d gotten home. Her response would be no different.

“No.”

The ferociousness with which she zipped her bag made Rian flinch.

“I don’t want you to leave Mumbai with this hanging over us, Aditi. I’ll follow you to Bangalore if I have to.”

“Then talk.”

“I can explain everything, but will you believe me? You can’t even look at my face.”

At that, Aditi thwacked her bag on the ground, her anger driving her sadness and vice-versa. She moved to the dresser, grabbing items at random.

“I have done nothing but believe you, Rian. Since the day I met you until today, I believed you. When you told me that you didn’t want a traditional relationship, I believed you. When you said you’d changed your mind and asked me to marry you, I believed you. I never inquired why because I thought it didn’t matter. But it does.” She stopped, feeling exhausted already, her voice trembling. “Why are you with me?”

It was a question as much to herself as it was to him. With everything she’d heard today, she no longer knew if she understood Rian as well as she’d once believed.

“I guess I really know how to pick guys,” she scoffed, shaking her head. “First Harish, then you.”

His lips thinned, knowing that Aditi was justified in her anger. He had been willing to let her speak her piece; lay her thoughts out so that her fury would abate. But he couldn’t remain silent at this.

“Don’t compare me to him. I never disrespected you.”

When she finally turned around, it was with a look Rian couldn’t read .

“Choosing me only because I’m useful to piss off your mother is giving me respect?” she asked emotionlessly. The lack of inflection in her tone spread a chill in the air.

The sinking feeling within him deepened when he realised that Aditi had been subjected to much more than just the end of his argument with Leela. He was horrified.

“You heard that?”

“Yes. I heard it. Along with anyone who was within earshot of you.”

He raised both palms up in a gesture of surrender, approaching her as slowly as one would a wild animal who lay injured in the woods.

“I said that to make my mother unhappy. You have to believe me. It meant nothing.”

He reached for her, stilling when she backed away quickly, rejecting his touch.

“You don’t get it, do you?” she asked, her features contorted with grief. Her eyes filled rapidly with tears she wished she could have hidden.

“Can you even imagine what it must’ve been like for me to hear you say those words?” she whispered, her throat closing as emotions flooded her. “I thought you accepted me for who I am. I loved that I never had to feel like I had to be someone different when I was with you. But, you made me sound like an idiot.” Hot tears spilled out of her, her features contorting in grief. “You made me feel like you'd have never picked me under different circumstances. All for what? To win an argument with your mother?”

With every broken question, Rian felt like he’d become unworthy of her. With every tremble of her lip or shaky breath she took, telling him without words that she was devastated, he felt like he’d somehow repeated his mistakes of the past.

He had done to Aditi what he had done to Kaya .

Unlike Kaya, however, he couldn’t let Aditi go. Not without a fight.

“I made a terrible mistake,” he admitted, trying to close the gap between them. He hated that he felt like he’d lost the right to touch her. “I know an explanation or a reason won’t make this okay, but please, you know how I feel about you.”

“Do I?” Aditi shook her head, resignation etched upon her features. Fear gripped him.

“You do!”

“What about Kaya?”

“What about her?” he repeated, confused with the unexpected detour in their conversation.

“I remembered meeting you in Velas earlier this year but I couldn’t recollect the woman I’d tended to that night. It only occurred to me today when I heard you with your mother.”

“Aditi. . .”

“That night,” she continued, as if he’d never spoken. “It was Kaya who’d been ill. She was the patient I’d attended to. You’d been so worried about her because you were in love with her. I thought I’d made it all up in my head after the way you’d gotten angry when I told you to move on, but I was right. Wasn’t I?”

Rian was at a loss for words. Giving her any answer right now felt like it would backfire on him.

“I met Kaya so many times and I never knew who she really was,” she accused, feeling deceived. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It wasn’t relevant to us.”

“Finding out that the man I’ve agreed to marry was previously in love with his best friend is not relevant?” she spat, her incredulity at his justification turning her voice shrill. “You know everything about my past. Did you not think I deserved the same consideration?”

“It was unintentional. I never meant to hide anything.”

“Do you love her? ”

He shook his head immediately. “No! And, she is married.”

“That doesn’t stop people,” she scornfully accused, her envy cloaking her capacity to be fair.

Rian’s lips tightened in a firm line. “Be careful of what you imply,” he chided her, soft but stern. “Kaya loves Arjun. She's not a cheater and neither am I.”

Shame swelled in her and she turned away, walking up to the window nearby. “You’re right. This isn’t about her at all, it's about you. Be honest with me. Did you love Kaya before?”

“Yes.”

“For how long?”

“A long time.”

“Years?” she asked, glancing at him. A single look was enough to confirm her suspicions.

A bone deep sadness took root in her at this realisation, feeling like her heart was being cut open with a scalpel.

Rian had loved Kaya. Not for a few days or weeks. For years.

He had loved her up until just a few months ago. How did one move on from that, especially when they were still very much a part of each other’s lives?

It had taken her quite a while to get over Harish, and he was a horrible man. Kaya, on the other hand, was wonderful. It would have been a momentous task to fall out of love with someone like her.

Then what was Rian doing with Aditi? Was she. . .god forbid, was she a rebound? Was Rian redirecting his need for companionship, something he had wanted from Kaya, into Aditi instead? What did that mean for their relationship and its longevity?

The noise in her brain grew louder, weighing her down and making it hard to breathe.

“Aditi? Speak to me. ”

What could she say? With everything she’d just learned, she was afraid that if she told him to really delve deep and confirm his feelings for her, she’d lose him.

After Nanamma’s entreaty for her to give Rian time, Aditi had chosen deliberately to focus on how he made her feel. How well he treated her. She had felt wanted, and cherished. Though he had not said it, she had felt loved. Had she just fooled herself into believing something because she wanted it to be true?

What if Nanamma was wrong? What if Rian really couldn’t come around to loving her like she loved him? She would always want more from him. And if he was unable to give her that, then what would become of her? A lifetime of compromise would rip her heart to shreds.

“Doc?”

Aditi stared at him with a heartbreakingly blank expression. The innumerable thoughts in her head created a furor of doubts that left her crippled with fear.

“I need to go to the airport,” she muttered, her feet carrying her aimlessly out of her room.

Alarmed, he gripped her by her wrist when she tried to pass him by.

“Stop!” she cried, angrily fighting his hold.

They stood facing each other, the air heavy with longing, fear, and disappointment. Her distress, her usually smiling face now twisted in pain, felt like a kick in the guts.

He took a careful step towards her, keeping his arms open, a request that was as much for him as it was for her. Little by little, he covered the space between them, giving her every opportunity to deny his touch, praying with everything he had that she wouldn’t.

As his arms closed about her, gentle still, it was as though Rian took his first breath since Aditi had uttered her safe word. It gave him hope that he’d be able to correct what had gone wrong.

“Let me go,” she sniffled, letting out a tiny whimper .

“Let me hold you. Please.”

He bent low, breathing in her scent. If she pushed him away now, he may not recover with any grace.

“Why are you with me, Rian?” Her question was interrupted by her soft sobs and gasping breaths.

“Because,” he answered, his voice cracking with emotion, “I love you.”

She shook her head against his chest, hating that what she had so wanted to hear had come now, in a moment that was not one she would want to remember.

“You can’t say that after saying hurtful things about me,” she choked out.

That she remained in his embrace and allowed him to comfort her did very little to reduce the intensity of his guilt. Self-loathing gripped him in a chokehold, each shuddering breath she drew tormenting him beyond any wound inflicted by his mother.

“This is not how I wanted to tell you. The timing leaves a lot to be desired, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I love you.” He drew back, gently wiping her tears. “I know I said some fucked up things today. Please don’t let that stop you from acknowledging my reality.”

Watery brown eyes met his, her anguish palpable.

“What is your reality?” she asked, her chin wobbling.

“You,” he breathed, devastated that he had made her question this. “I am not myself without you.” He brushed her hair back and held her face in both hands, gazing at her with such deep yearning that Aditi had to close her eyes to not feel affected.

He gathered her in his arms, holding her closer as his palm curved over the back of her skull. “I’m not telling you to forgive me now, or easily,” he said, his voice low enough to crack. “But don’t break up with me. Please. Don’t give up on me. I want you. I want a lifetime of us together. Give me a chance to fix my mistake.”

His request made her want to wail louder. She was torn between wanting to protect herself versus protecting him. The wretched reality of loving a good man was that it didn’t make him infallible. It didn’t preclude him from causing her pain. It simply limited how long she was able to remain genuinely furious, especially when his vulnerability was as heartbreaking as his request.

“We're having a fight. One fight doesn't mean a break up. It just means we have things to work through,” she finally answered, knowing that letting him believe differently would be cruel. She may be angry with him, but she did not want to wound him.

Rian released a trapped breath, one massive worry put to rest.

“I'm sorry,” he apologised again, the words sounding hollow even to his own ears. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Kaya. And for whatever I said to my mother. Hurting you is the farthest thing from my mind.”

She believed his apology. She even believed his confession. She simply couldn’t subdue the shred of resentment that his choices had left in their wake. She felt let down, and it was clear that he didn’t fully understand why. How could he, when she hadn’t been able to explain her biggest point of contention?

“What about next time?” she asked, gently drawing away. Rian didn’t let go of her hand however, and she didn’t ask him to.

“What do you mean?”

Aditi took a deep breath in, fortifying herself for what she had to say.

“Your mother came to visit a couple weeks ago, just after we’d gotten together. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to lose you to whatever anger she generates in you. She told me that you can’t disregard her. That she’d never make it easy for us to be together. I didn’t believe her until I heard you today. Every time she's in the picture, you change into someone I can’t recognise.”

“Please,” Rian begged, squeezing her hand. “Don’t let my mother come between us. She does this. She poisons things around me. ”

“She’s only between us because you’ve given her the power,” Aditi announced, unwilling to mince words any more. “I wish I could fix this for you, but I can’t. I can’t force you to move on. Not this time.”

“I know I hurt you today. It won’t happen again. I prom—”

“Don’t make promises you cannot keep,” she interrupted, her disappointment clear. “When you don’t respect yourself enough to ignore someone who is toxic for you, how will you remember to respect me enough to keep your promises? Last time, at the club, you took your anger out on me. This time, you insulted our relationship. Next time you face your mother, you might hurt me in a different way. How long before you break out of this cycle? Will I be expected to forgive you every time?”

Rian wondered how to respond to these questions, or if he had a solution to the problem she’d pointed out. He’d always wanted to cut his mother out of his life. For reasons unknown, he’d not succeeded. His failure had in turn damaged Aditi’s trust in him. How could he give her an answer when he didn’t understand it himself?

Throughout the drive to the airport, both Rian and Aditi remained immersed in their own thoughts. For two people who had never felt the slightest hesitation with each other before, neither one could find it in them to breach the disconcerting silence between them.

Rian parked in the busy drop off zone, stepping out to grab her suitcase. He clicked the button on the handle and extended it for her, needing to feel useful somehow. She accepted his help, stilling when his hand closed over hers. A warm finger slid under her chin, turning her face towards him. For a breathless moment, he said nothing. Remorse and regret had dampened his confidence.

“I’ll fix this, Aditi,” he promised her anyway.

“Okay,” she whispered, but the tension on her face remained.

“Okay?” he asked again, cupping her cheek. Before she could pull away, he leaned in and pressed a brief kiss onto her lips. “Come back to me,” he requested, his forehead resting on hers before he straightened. “I’ll be waiting here.”

She nodded quietly.

“I love you,” he confessed yet again, hoping she would say it back. She watched him with an indeterminable look, eventually stepping closer for a hug. His arms wrapped around her immediately, his chest tight with the fear that if he let go, she wouldn’t return. If he could, he would have taken her back home and held her until they both felt better. Until he figured out how to give her whatever it was that would make her trust him again.

That would make her look at him like she used to.

As though she’d heard his silent plea, she leaned back to glance up at him.

“Love me enough to heal yourself,” she told him, her tone muted in sadness. “There is a part of you your mother still controls. That’s not okay.”

She cupped his jaw, a gloomy tilt to her lips.

“I want all of you, Rian. I don’t think I can accept less.”

Without another word, Aditi walked away, leaving him stunned with her request. She’d told him, in no uncertain terms, what it would take to gain her forgiveness.

A complete and clear step in severing whatever hold his mother had on him.

He watched her approach the entrance, the stiffness in her movements a dead giveaway for her stress.

“Turn,” he whispered, observing her handing her ID card over for the guard to check.

“Turn.” He almost raised his hand partway to wave to her.

“Turn,” he wished quietly, his eyes glued on her person. He readied himself to smile at her, his gut twisting in disappointment when she walked through the guarded doors and faded into the crowds .

Aditi, the girl who never missed an opportunity to romanticise her life, had not turned back to wave at him.

He stood there, waiting, just in case she changed her mind, uncaring that the ushers around him were yelling at him to move his car. His feet remained grounded, wishing that she would come running out the doors, rush into his arms, and allow him to show her how much he loved her. That she would allow him to prove to her how sorry he was for having caused her smile to wane.

He waited, hoping that she would show.

She didn’t.